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Making amends
November 10, 2007
12:07 pm
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MsGuided
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The last week has been pretty hard in every way.

First of all, it's flu season here and since Sept it started. (early this year) I'm self employed, my son goes to school and my partner works in a large company. They both have gotten sick. The last few weeks I've felt run down and finally I got a cold the other day (not a bad one, but it was inevitable)

Second I found out my oldest sister ( who I have not talked to since last June, (she's always very critical and unsupportive of me) has been diagnosed with Lung Cancer.

I usually go to my parents for dinner on Fridays (my Dads diabetic, almost blind and my Mom has a degenerative spinal disease and lupus)They are both in their 80's and there really isn't a lot of time left for them.

So I've decided to take the high road and not dwell on the our past. My parents try their best (they are generally giving for all the mistakes they made, they came from worse situations than me: my mom was practically tortured by her dad, and my Dad fought in the WW2)

As for my sister I will contact her and offer support. My other sister I'm going to fix her garden (it needs pruning and cleanup)

The other night I sat at my Mom and Dad's and watched a video of when my son and I went to Florida. It was right after I split from his abusive Dad, was admitted into hospital for depression/exhaustion, Xmas 1992/3.
My parents used to be "Snow Birds" and they sent me a plane ticket for a Month sabaticle in Florida.
My son was 1 1/2 and we went to Disney, Epcot, stayed at a resort and had a wonderfull time. It was nice reminiscing and seeing myself back then and I was just talking to my son the other day about him going there. (One of his friends has pretty wealthy parents and they are going to Florida for 3 weeks today, so it brought up the memory)

This video he hasn't seen yet, so he will in the next few days.

Third. Yesterday I sat at my desk and called all my clients, settling up the season bills, and going into my winter contracts (snow removal) so I finally got that organized and behind me. I was procrastinating about asserting myself and solidifying the winter business. It all went pretty well!
I'm so glad my clients don't have a window into my inner conflicts!LOL

Yesterday I was almost Narcoleptic, something wasn't right, and when I got home after dinner the cold started comming on. It was such a weird night with everything going on in the family, Business, and health arena. I felt relieved by making a few decisions, dealing with issues I put on the back burner, seeing some good things from the past, YET i wasn't right physically.

I'm kinda sick today, feel tired, but I had a cathartic night last night and it led to me deciding to make peace with a few in my family, and see what happens.
I just have to continue working on my Biz, building and progressing, and strive for better in my family life. I don't want to dwell or allow the past to hinder my well being now.

As for my partner? That's still up in the air. At least he hasn't made any major screw ups lately (financially) isn't endulging in porn anymore, and he doesn't hassle me about anything. He has been giving me money fro bills on time, without me asking. It's pretty quiet around here with us working different shifts.
I just had to write this here and I hope everyone has a great weekend and can find answers and peace in their own journey.
Time for a big pot of TEA!

November 10, 2007
12:09 pm
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Codi202
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Piece, MsGuided. Blessings and good vibes to you.

November 17, 2007
11:28 am
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MsGuided
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Ty Codi for responding.
I was sick with a cold since Nov.10 and I wasn't able to see my sister in Hosp.

I bumped into her husband in the hallway and he updated me (we always got along well, and he was kindoff emotionally abusive with her, and she was jealous with me, UGH{past crap that drove a wedge]..I don't want all this to come up while her illness plays out)

I went last night, finally, and here's the news. My oldest sister ( G.,54) has apparently been suffering swelling, a cough, chronic fatigue and finally joint and leg pains the last year. Her Doctor wasn't taking her seriously and didn't send her for bloodwork, an MRI or any tests. Last week she coould hardly breath and had chest pains so went to hospitol.
They found a tumour and fluid around her heart so admitted her. When they drained the fluid they found cancer cells in it and did more tests.
She has full blown cancer everywhere, spleen, lungs, liver, now in her bones, and is basically going to die within a year.

So it takes this to rally the family together. My other sister(M) went to see her and apparently they got all emotional together (they are 1 1/2 years apart so were close through childhood) and made a pact about my niece and nefew, My other sister promised she would be there for them and sounds like my sick sister is relying on her to be a support after their gone.

It takes a terminal illness to bring things together, for them to get emotional and sort a few things out......but as for me..not much emotion. I just feel me and my son are left out. But it isn't about us now.

What will it take? My demise in the health department?

This situation is going to bring unresolved issues out and i hope i don't get slammed,and my concerns are ignored or labelled as 'grandstanding' ( I don't really cause drama like yelling crying etc, that's G , and M goes on ignore even if you just bring something up calmly!I don't plan on bringing things up with her, but hopefull my other sister (M) will see how cold and incommunicative she is, just see what her negative behaviour is and change) I'll just have to see how things play out now.

Well I'm off to pick up my son and get some slippers for G and get away from My "partner" (he's woken up grumpy and i don't need his childish shit now.)

This is so hard and I am feeling really disconnected from G,( I was torn as to what to take her, what wouldn't set her off emotionally , Xmas Mags, craf mags, so I bought her an Orchid which she really likes) I'm just trying to do whats right. Showing support.

November 17, 2007
12:17 pm
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Randomwomen2
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((((MsGuided))) I am so sorry about your sister and your family Issues. I hope you are taking care of yourself hunny.

November 17, 2007
12:40 pm
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Sorry to hear what you are going thru, MsGuided.

Last year my mom contracted a fatal and rare condition and died within a few months of showing symptoms that couldn't be diagnosed. She was on her deathbed and so I did what I felt was my duty and went to visit her repeatedly in the hospital even though she had no idea I was there.

I had to interact with my homeless sister, who I hadn't seen in at least 10 years. To say the whole process was stressful would be an understatement.

But I did what I needed to do (I thought) and its over.

There is no way when something like this comes up that all past hurts will be reolved. All you can do is to do what you feel is right for you. Its horrible to be faced with something like that and it makes you face all the past hurts. Tendency is to want to do something to make it all better. Unfortunately, it can't be done.

Just try and be supportive at whatever level is appropriate- you don't have to go overboard or fake anything. I really wanted to rip into my sister last year but I didn't. I stuck to what was happening, did what I needed to do and didn't let it become an avenue to do further damage to anyone else, including me. You have to protect yourself and be true to yourself also when faced with these potentially explosive situations.

I don't know if you were following the forgiveness thread- but at a time like this it might be helpful to you. Means different things to dif people. I still have a hard time with it.

thinking of you....

SD

November 18, 2007
1:26 pm
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MsGuided
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Ty Randomwoman and SD

SD you are right about unresolved issues. I also have put it all in a box that is put away.

When i went to the hospitol the other day, and took my son, my parents and G's husband and daughter were there. My niece i never saw much but yesterday when she was leaving she broke down sobbing in my arms. She held onto me so tight for 30 seconds. The tears are more than sadness, but come from guilt and remorse for everything. The abusive way my sister was treated by them and the distance between us. So much regret turns into a desperate attempt to make my sister's last days comfortable.

So much is welling up in all of us. Broken family brought together with this impending death.
After everyone left my sister said my son looked miserable, tired, asked whats wrong and how my relationship was with my "partner"......not good.

What she misses is that all the years of her critisism and putdowns, the way she treated me, was being reflected on my sons face there. He was going through the motions of decency being there. He showed up with me because he's a good person, but he also has a hard time feeling connected to her positively. It's not something I or him will tell her now.
I don't think she is in a place to take responsibility for any of that.

It's better for her to focus on us and our problems at home, dredge all that up.

After many years of struggle my son is finally connected with some friends, is doing better in school and she is still stuck in the bad shit. It's EASIER for her to feel pity, and think we need help. I HATE IT.

Help would have been comming to my house when I invited her, going for walks when I asked her, telling me i was doing good in school , in my biz, raising my son, fighting lifes battles instead of critisizing us or making malinformed judgements, or jealous accusations. What i needed was a compliment and maybe, "what can i do to help?" instead of "send your son to a school for kids with sepcial needs" when he was being bullied art school....shit, she'll NEVER say she's sorry!

( I at least didn't abuse my son emotionally , and make him feel inadequate compared to his angel sister..she projects her sons problems on mine, I didn't have to put mine on ridalin, and my kid wasn't the one who was violent)
She said we need a social worker, a counseller, blah blah....No I need my codep partner, who has contributed very little to building a good life to leave, is all. We need to be free of him.

I really don't want to go through this at all. I feel once again my family is pushing me down into a bad place because it makes them feel better to look at me as failing.

I don't bring it up, all of her family blemishes, her shortfallings etc, and i NEVER did in the past either. I at least have enough respect not to, and maybe I'm a coward to not speak up. It will only fall on deaf ears and is another reason to critisize me. I'm the trouble maker (because I'm the only honest one of the bunch)
You have to choose your battles, and if the other side isn't ready to hear, or be responsible for their part, it really isn't worth the effort. I really don't like drama without a positive outcome.

The only thing she said that was helpfull was that I need to find some friends that I can have fun with. I need to get back the carefree outgoing person I used to be. I need to start living again!

I intend to do just that as soon as "he' moves out. He's not leaving of his own free will so i may have to do something drastic and mean.;0(

November 18, 2007
1:50 pm
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sdesigns
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Ms Guided: The title of this thread "making amends", is what is hard.

Why is it that we who have been harmed feel pressure to make amends when we aren't the ones who did the harm? THAT is where the pressure comes from. We want things to be better, but it isn't in our power to do that. We can only take care of ourselves and do what we think is right, and not fall into the path of those who want to harm us.

I am reading "Toxic Parents" and it talks about forgiveness. The author (Susan Forward) says there are 2 parts to forgiveness- the need to give up the feelings of revenge, and absolving the guilty party of responsibility. The second part is what was a key point- that absolving them would be like pardoning them and was really a form of denial, pretending that what happened wasn't so terrible.

It sounds like you've got a lot on your plate. Not just the illness of your sister, but the partner who needs to move along. Try to keep the issues separate if you can. ther's alot there that can get muddled up when emotions are high.

When my mom was lying on her deathbed and basically a vegetable, I felt so desperate to confront her about every mean thing she did to me, but I knew it was no use. I told her that I will never understand why she did the things she did, and that I forgave her. But I really didn't. Now I know that. so I am still trying to work thru understanding why she did what she did, and how it has affected me, and how I move on from that and out it to bed.

Your sister has no reason at all NOW to be mean to you. But she may still do it because thats how she is. No need to think a major transformation will happen , even at this time in her life. Sad, very sad. But there's nothing you can do about it.

I wouldn't let them know your troubles at home just because they will use it as ammunition against you, even if it doesn't make sense for them to do that. Take care if yourself and your son as best you can because you are the important ones here. Don't LET your family push you down. Let them know your buttons can't be pushed.

SD

November 18, 2007
2:50 pm
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MsGuided
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Thanks SD

I don't have anyone to talk to about my home stuff.
When she brought it up and asked questions I let it out. She told me I should take over his finances, take his check, and give him allowance.LMAO.
I don't think so! I'm not that codep. I don't want to control him.I want an equal partner, who is responsible and has something to offer! I am so done and I have little respect for him..mainly because he has been no example to my kid too. I feel guilt for letting this all happen.

I know my family isn't genetically strong, so I take care of myself by buying healthy food, take suppliments, exercise.I have a partner who is self abusing by smoking, doesn't eat healthy ( likes greasy, salty, sugary food, goes through a kg of suger for tea every month, doesn't go to the dentist[even though he has a plan] goes most of the day without eating then eats befor he goes to bed)....When i got home from the hospitol the other day he had bought a bucket of greasy coated wings for dinner. He's sabotaging me in every way! I open the cupboard and there is a bag of my favourite chocolate!LOL I had a little self distructive evening with him, eating greasy food, candy and drinking pop...SO unlike me. I gave in to the weakness!

All week I cook healthy, eat fruit, salads, drink soya Milk, Organic vegatable drinks, then he's home for the weekend and buy's a bunch of CRAP!.then has no money for real groceries. Everything healthy in this home is due to me. WTF? Sur ewould be nice to have a man on the same page. OR to be FREE!

Great, I had a huge argument with him today, how negative and self abusing he is. That I'm tired of it and he needs to leave.
He thinks I'm blaming.LOL again.
Well I'm not the one with brown stains on my rotting teeth, cause I smoke, eat junk, drink tea, coffee galore and don't go to the dentist for 4 years.HOW GROSS!
So he went to see his Mommy and Daddy....hopefully to say how cruel I am, and he needs to move in with them, cause he's so "abused"(has no credit or money or ability to take care of himself) Like I'm supposed to cut his hair, and get some dental tools and pick at his teeth.......or give him money so he can go (when if he had good credit, could put the $100 cleaning fee on his card and get the 80% returned by insurance, He can't afford $20 for the dentist ??? Nope gotta support his cigarette and dope habit first)
Blame.HA!

Well thats what you get when you treat your partner like a lifelong life presurver and serogate mommy.
I'm tired of answering his lost queries. I say "there's the computer, there's the library, theres the map, do it yourself"....and I'm so cruel. Sorry if I expect you to grow up at 44 years old!

Yea.I'm supposed to be happy about that and being lied to, manipulated and used.

BACK TO MY FAMILY..I was trained to set these low standards. I allowed him into my life.

You're right about not allowing the focus to be on my weakness's. I will be ready next time and try to divert the topic.( where was she when I showed my portfolio to people at my dads birthday, I had pics of some gardens I built, and she seethed in envy, didn't even look!)

As for my family. I don't expect a transformation. She's dieing, and I'm there for possible healing and support. All of this is dredging up the past, causing friction at home.....and I really have to stop drifting in this dead end relationship. My relationship is my cancer ironically !

You're right about everything you said and I'm really grateful you take the time to post.
We have to pat ourselves on the back because despite the cards that were dealt we rose above enough to start a biz and take risks to make life better!
We're doing it SD!
I just need to make the final cut and free myself from one last thing. Start over again as a free person.

November 20, 2007
10:57 am
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MsGuided
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My Mom and Dad came by yesterday because they went to Walmart ( I have a huge store nearby)
My Dad brought me flowers and i was really out of it. Really depressed since all the family stuff is being dredged up, a bad weekend and guilt galore.
Winter is comming and days are shorter so the SAD is here ( i get affected by that if i don't get enough exercise or light)
I have to try and keep my head up and focus on the future. It's so hard when you've been abused, and let down by too many people who where close.

It's strange because I don't ask for much, tend to appear self supporting....it's all my codep tendencies where I have a hard time recieving from others.
I have changed that somewhat, I just need to find more social outlets that are positive.

Note to self: Take compliments and small gifts graciously, say "Thank You I appreciate that..."

November 20, 2007
11:51 am
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"I have to try and keep my head up and focus on the future. It's so hard when you've been abused, and let down by too many people who where close.

It's strange because I don't ask for much, tend to appear self supporting....it's all my codep tendencies where I have a hard time recieving from others. I have changed that somewhat, I just need to find more social outlets that are positive. "

Sounds familiar. Did I write that or did you? LOL.

(((MsGuided)))
Note to self: Take compliments and small gifts graciously, say "Thank You I appreciate that..."

Thanks, MsGuided, good advise.

November 20, 2007
12:08 pm
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MsGuided
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Codi
I'm going nuts here..slacking on work BUT i can afford to since I only have about 3 days cleanup left (the leaves aren't all down yet) until I go into the winter snow removal season.
I'm cleaning my office, getting rid of old clothes, and doing some admin stuff .
I really need to go away. A holiday that releases me from everything around here so tomorrow is Passport day.
Thanks for answering.I'm taking the dog for a big walk in the woods to clear my head, 'cause it's all NUTS in there ( my head), LOL.

November 20, 2007
12:46 pm
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Codi202
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Have a good one.

November 20, 2007
5:13 pm
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Hi MsGuided:

You are absolutely right- we need to pat ourselves on the back for our accomplishments!! ( cuz nobody else if going to- boo hoo). Anyhow I had an appt with a past client this morning and it reminds me what our jbs are all about- we DO improve other people's lives and they DO appreciate it. We help to create an environment at their home that enriches their lives- and that in itself is satisfying. And I really do enjoy most of the people/ clients that I meet.

Work is dead as a doornail for me too now, and I've been doing the same things- going thru closets and drawers and cupboards getting rid of things. Feels good, I must say.

I want to go on a vacation too. this has been such a stressful year and it looks like the big problem I had is finally going away- so time to find a nice warm place, the biggest pina colada I can find and just gel for awhile.

SD

You point blank told your partner to leave? Woohoo! Is he going to?

November 20, 2007
7:51 pm
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MsGuided
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SD
you are so much in a better place. I'm trying to get there biz wise.
Since i do the ground work( laboureous mule i am) this autumn the leaves cling to the trees, and it is going to snow apparently this Thurs....Ok try and go with the flow but this just pisses me off. I haven't gotten my winter equipment set up yet.Oh well.

As for the BF?I've been asking him to leave for months now and he just acts like I'm having a lapse. It is going to get very dramatic since he isn't budging on his own vocation.

If you have a chance to chill in Pina Colada Ville go for it! Whoop it up, lay on a beach, get a massage (whatever suits you) For now i have to live through others joy 'cause I'm yo-yo-ma lately.( i need a string quartet playing in the background nevermind a violin)

I have 2 days of rain here so I should get lots of household sorting done at least!LOL

May 12, 2008
10:40 am
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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Hello MsG, Pulled this thread up and wowie it is back from November......time has really been marching on. I am checking on you and hope you are doing alright..........Your Friend, horsefly

May 12, 2008
10:57 am
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wrong thread ((horsefly)))
By coincidence i had some scenarios that happened this weekend......so I just finished writing a bit.

There ya go! My belly hurts. ;0(

July 10, 2008
11:02 pm
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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Dear MsG, I have missed you and wondered about you and your life. I am doing ok , but it is a matter of time for me to be here or not around the computer. I wish you well, I hope the best for us both. I am kinda around for now....but My time is limited here....I know it because I am moving soon. Love to You, horsefly

July 11, 2008
12:00 am
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MsGuided
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U keep pulling me out when i want to hide !((pegasus))
It's the old demons of feeling unwanted for me.

I guess we're both at an age where we expected to have more comfort and security, and we are fighting our damndist to get it!

I hope somehow you can find a way to keep communicating here because it is a great comfort and outlet for you and you have a lot of connections here.
I wish you the best and much love also ;0)

Peace!

July 11, 2008
12:09 am
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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MsG, Thank You for being here right now. I am about to sprout my wings and really be (pegasus). I am scared though. I have my family figured out...I am the outcast . But I knew that. I am just having a hard time here .....I will be back of course. But I always think of you because I respect you so much and all of the support you have given me.....Once I get my own place with my own wings I will be much better off. Love Always, horsefly

July 11, 2008
12:23 am
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MsGuided
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Yea.well I'ld rather be a black Horse than a white horse anyway,hehe.

You're a black pegasus!LOL
(pertaining to being a misfit in the form of my favourite animal,and we aint no sheep!)

You know what Freesian Horses look like!? LOVE those beasts!
You keep your HP (hewlett packard) close cause your ok in my books and we all need somethin to get us through, whatever that may be ;0)
(From a non-beleiver but a lover!)

I need to go to bed, have to work tomorrow.

((((Horsefly)))

July 11, 2008
12:33 am
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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Goodnight MsG, White horses never stay clean ....even grays....show up shit all over them. Dark and bays, easy to clean. Love, horsefly

July 11, 2008
12:48 am
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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MsG, I honestly do not care if someone believes a goat will save them from hell. Everything is a personally belief. That is not the issue. I just think on this site.....whenever possible.....when things are positive or unity......someone makes a huge point to make us all unhappy. I have seem a pattern here for a long time. horsefly

July 14, 2008
10:13 pm
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MsGuided
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This is codependent me.

I'm not a rescuer, a martyr, or a control freak..but I feel safest when I am giving.

I may give but it may not always be appropriate.

I have a hard time taking, things, compliments but I am now learning to accept them graciously.

I struggle with self worth. Although I am very self sufficient i seem to go half way, then i let my fears get in the way.

Some things i have managed to complete, others I am in the same old halfwayedness.( This, i feel is the largest obstacle for me to overcome)

I am somewhat repressed.

I have dependency issues that stem from feeling unloved as a child, and i reject when i should accept.

My Poor communication comes from provoking others at times and have a hard time talking about my problems. Even though i do at times the way i express them seem "off"( to me , to others, I don't know?)

I used to let people hurt me all the time, would deny that hurt, but now that i have stopepd this I blame more than I should.

I don't trust other people as much as I should. But this is improving.

I feel more anger then i want to.

I've lost my interest in sex and it's a struggle to encorporate it into my life.

I behave extremely responsible, and find it difficult to get close to people.

I feel lethergic and struggle to keep active and fit.It doesn't come as easy as it should.

When all the negative aspects of my codependent nature, and life gets overwhelming i want to escape. Leave everything and everyone behind.

This is my confession, since there is no meeting to go to nearby.

I make mistakes.
I may not be totally aware of what blocks or guides me.
For the most part i feel 75% authentic. The disauthenticity stems from not being able to tap into my strengths as well as I should.

I am codependent.

July 14, 2008
10:15 pm
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MsG

When did your sister die? Isn't some depression to be expected after the death of a loved one?

July 14, 2008
10:17 pm
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You are not alone. You are strong. You are capable of anything and everything. You are loved. You are human. You are a shinning light to so many ( esp me right this moment )
Reeses

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