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Make the pain go away
December 27, 2000
4:07 am
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Tweety
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Hi everyone. I wrote awhile with a topic called "please give me your point of view". Well, my husband decided to leave. He just told me just now. He is sleeping on the couch as I am writing this. I thought things were going good for awhile but when he came home from work tonight he told me he was moving out tommorrow. It felt like a big slap in the face. I love him so much. He said he wants to see me and especially the kids everyday. I guess he is just tired of marriage. There isn't another woman. He just doesn't want to be married anymore. All I could do is cry. All I ever wanted was to make him happy. I just want this pain to go away. Please, someone, tell me what I can do to ease the pain of someone leaving. Someone I love so dear.

December 27, 2000
9:25 am
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janes
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You won't believe this but the pain will go away. But it will take time.

You are allowed to be sad about this.

Now ... instead of only wanting to make HIM happy you are going to work on ONLY making you happy.

You are the most important part of your life..not him. You can go on forever without him but not without your self.

Stay in touch..

December 27, 2000
12:10 pm
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Molly
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This too could be a phase, ease the pain by letting him have his space, start with taking a hard line, he can't just walk out with out some sort of cost, and he will begin to discover the cost once he is out, especially if there is not another woman. Be strong, be tough, be focused. This is not the time for a pity party. Get angry, and focus the energy on you and the kids. he thinks that he can just change his mind huh, let him know the heavy cost of his decision, he has broken the circle of trust, and for that life will never be the same. No sex, no lovey dovey, when he starts to come around on his daily "visit" protect your assetts, and make sure if he appears serious, that he has an attourney for your attourney to contact, he will never expect these words to come from you. Start by not fixing his breakfast, or tossing his stuff out the door before he wakes up, some reality checks for mr. I just discovered I want to break my committment. What ever you do, do not appear weak. This is war for your marriage, husband and father of your children

December 27, 2000
7:22 pm
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Tweety
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Thank you, Molly and Janes for your words of encouragement. I will try to stand tough and be strong. I'll let you know what happens.

December 27, 2000
7:22 pm
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Tweety
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Thank you, Molly and Janes for your words of encouragement. I will try to stand tough and be strong. I'll let you know what happens.

December 27, 2000
10:04 pm
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counslr336
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Ido not know about yuor other request for advise,but what I read on this one, is that your husband is not very serious about moving out. If he wants to see you and the children, what is the reason for leaving?.What i suggest is that both of you talk some more and maybe visit a marriage counselor.You both need tolook at the REASONABLE solutions and try to apply them to your problems.A good counslor can help you on this.

December 28, 2000
2:33 pm
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Tweety
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I am taking your advice and seeing a counselor next week. I will keep you all posted.

December 30, 2000
11:59 pm
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BESL
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i KNOW ABOUT THE PAIN. iITS WILL GO AWAY , BUT IT'S IMPORTANT TO WORK THROUGH THE PAIN. IT'S LETTING YOU KNOW THAT SOMTHING IS THERE TO WORK ON. tAKE A LOOK AT YOURSELF. iT'S THE BEST PLACE TO START. wE CAN'T FIX THE OTHER PERSON, YOUR HUSBAND, HE OWNS HIS OWN MISERY AND FEEKLINGS. wHEN HE SEES THAT YOU ARE GETTING CONTROL OF YOURSELF AND DOING ALRIGHT, HE MAY FEEL LIKE HE BETTER DO A TURN-A-BOUT QUICK. lEARN TO LIKE YOURSELF.

January 8, 2001
6:56 pm
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Tweety
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Well, my husband did move out. It has been two weeks now. It has been a hard two weeks but he has been coming by and visiting the kids and trying to spend some time with them. He even took us all out over the weekend. I made an appointment with a counselor but when the day came, I called and cancelled the session. I chickened out. I didn't know what to expect. I don't even know if I should see a male or female therapist. Does it matter? Should I go to a man so I can get a man's point of view? We finally sat and talked one night and now I have a clearer view of what's bothering him about me. The first problem is that I cannot balance a check book. I was responsible for half the bills at one time and I kept bouncing checks. He got fed up and took over paying the bills. He feels now that I should take the initiative and handle some of it. When I say paying bills, I mean actually writing out the checks and paying them on time. We both work and put money in the checking account. The second problem is that I don't keep house very well. I am some-what not very organized. I have toys on the floors and my closet, well, I haven't seen my closet floor in weeks. I know I do need to improve on that. The third problem is that he wishes I would take care of myself more. I don't work out anymore and don't wear makeup anymore. All these things really frusrated him. It may seem small but it has gone on for years and he's tired of telling me what to do like he's my father or something. Since he left, I have been working on it. My closet is now spotless, I've been trying to keep the house picked up. I even lost a few pounds,not from trying but just from all the stress. I know I'm rambling on but I can I get some feed back?

January 8, 2001
7:20 pm
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Molly
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Hmmmmm well maybe you are depressed, and maybe just because of the dynamics you fell into a child role, and he the parent, and now he is tired of it. doesn't sound like much of a reason to leave a marriage and children for, perhaps he was lost in his efforts to be clear, and manipulated you into the changes by leaving. It doesn't matter if it is a male or female counselor just as long as you feel comfortable and feel like you are getting some where. Some times we just get stuck with habits, and roles, and don't think anything of it until it all explodes. Don't starve your self, eat right! Good job on the closet, wanna do mine, every day I try to keep it up, just to much stuff, such a complaint eh?

January 8, 2001
7:51 pm
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janes
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What were his household responsibilities? Since you BOTH work what were the things he did around the house?

I understand that he doesn't feel YOU kept a clean enough house but who did the meals and who did the kid stuff at night.

And...since you have been married has his physical state changed at all? Or is he still the same size? And if he is...how has he done it? (and his makeup?) Who did he marry you or your makeup?

How many children do you have? Who makes and keeps the dr/dent. appts?

I am not trying to blame anyone just trying to get a clearer picture.

Listen to Molly...get to a cousnelor. the first time will tell you what to sort of expect.

January 9, 2001
12:26 am
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lost soul
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The reasons he gave is too "minor" to just move out of the house.

January 9, 2001
12:07 pm
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Cici
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I agree. In all honesty, with a good counselor it shouldn't matter whether they are male or female. Their job isn't to give you advice. It's to guide you to the point where you are internally strong enough to make your own choices. Counselors are sounding boards for ideas. They can give poiners on how to change your behavior and outlook.

go to counselling. Go a few times, invite your husband to a session. The reasons he gave were too minor. If hehad a problem, he should have talked it out with you. I am similar in that I don't wear makeup often and I tend to be a bit messy, but after we argued a few times my fiance and I worked out a "deal" - whenever I cook (every day), he does the dishes. We do laundry together on weekends, and clean up together as well. It ends up being a bonding experience.

Your husband was unfair to not talk to you about an issue that was bothering him.

January 10, 2001
2:45 pm
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Tweety
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Thank you all for your responses. To Janes reply, I do all the household stuff, kids, cleaning, doctor's appointments, cooking. The only thing he does around the house is the lawn which is about once every two weeks. Now that I think about it, I guess I really do quite a bit. What the hell is he complaining about? Does he want Wonder Woman? As far as his physical attributes, no, he doesn't look the same as he does when we first met. Although he doesn't look too bad now because he still goes to the gym and works out about twice a week and plays basketball and softball. He has always been active. When we met was a bodybuilder and I got into the routine of working out with him looked fabulous. Well, after gaining 55 pounds, I don't look fabulous anymore. I will attempt to make an appointment with a counselor again and this time I will go. I don't know if my husband will join me because he needs one just as much as I do. I'll let you know what happens.

January 18, 2001
7:38 pm
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pg lova
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Tweety,

I am a minister and I'm going to tell you what I know to be true according to God's word. You need not let your heart be troubled because God is in control and He'll work it out. I understand that you took a pretty hard blow, but maybe it's for the best, He seems like a jerk for doing that to you> So, there's really no need to keep him around. What I suggest is that you allow your friends to set you up on some blind dates and begin dating again. Believe me, I know, I had a 2 year relationship fail recently. But, I'm glad to say that I have now started dating and I feel great. True, your life is going to feel empty at first because you love him. But, the love seems one sided to me. One day true love will find you and when it does, you will never be forced to let go.

God bless and take care of yourself.

January 18, 2001
8:34 pm
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gingerleigh
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PG Lova has some good advice there, about getting out with people. I personally don't think I would be ready for dating though. Rebounding is a very real occurrence, and even though your relationship has been dying for a while, you haven't had a whole lot of time to experience life standing completely on your own.

Good for you on deciding to make the counseling appointment! Don't worry about your husband, just focus on your own healing for now. It's up to your husband to follow your lead, whether he chooses to or not is out of your control.

BUT, getting together with your friends and their friends is a GREAT idea. Being alone and enjoying your own company is really refreshing too, don't knock the candlelit bathroom and bubblebath until you've sat in the tub for at least 5 minutes.

And, I AM practicing what I preach. I'm going through a separation myself now. I constantly feel waves of hurt, angry, scared, defensiveness, shame, confrontation, self-righteousness... and then I feel at peace. The emotions come and go and it IS hard. But the waves come less and less frequently. It will all be worth it in the end.

Take a breather, you will be much much happier down the road for it. Good luck, keep us posted!

January 20, 2001
7:50 am
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janes
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Get back to exercising too. It is amazing what those natural endorphins do for your soul.

REad...give your self treats (not cany)

Seek that counselor and remember...

You are special and unique andGod has a plan for you.

sometimes when we go through "the fire" we emerge stronger.

Paying bills...take a class...start being organized...go to your bank and aske for help in this area.

There are many systems of budgeting that you can master.

Prove this guy wrong...take hold of your life.

Make a list of your responsibilities..
EVERY SINGLE ONE LEAVE NOTHING OUT.

As women we often poo-poo those mundane every day jobs we do....without us the world would grind to a halt.

You go girl!!!

January 22, 2001
2:00 pm
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tweety, u and him have communication problems.

January 23, 2001
1:31 am
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yea i forgot to mention, the car needs an oil change too.
j/k ...

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