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Made to be the Perfect One
April 7, 2001
2:04 pm
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janes
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Is your dad going to the gym and particiating in sports too?

Is his living out his fantasies through you?

Being involved, being on committees and so forth will not Harm you unless...like you say it's too much pressure.

Where is your mom in all of this?

You may need to stop worrying about your dad calling you a baby. Next time he screams and yells that you are baby can you be really brave and stand up tall and look him straight in the eye and say" Dad I love you but I am NOT a baby....I need to decide WHAT sports I am in with out you screaming at me...If YOU want to be watching basball...go on....I am dropping that sport." "Here';s a team YOU can join Dad"

Lose the emotioanl stuff attached..if you can...be honest and start being open with BOTH your parents...."I'm doing to much" I need more time" "I'm not a baby but I need time to relax too"

Be a broken record about YOUR NEEDS..they can't read your mind and there may be fireworks....but...do what you need to do BEFORE you either implode or explode....

Never mind mean people who post. IT happened to me a couple weeks ago too.

Each of us in an individual and...sometimes it really shows.

April 7, 2001
3:42 pm
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eve
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Hi locked up, I don't think that being forced to be perfect is the core of your problem. It's more like you don't know what you want to be perfect in.
I confess that I like quite a lot of 'perfect' bits and pieces in my life. e.g. at work, some things just have to be done right. So I don't really think that perfectionism is the problem. But the perfectionism that bothers you seems to be a huge obstacle in finding out what you want. Yet from your posts I can tell that you seem to know some very solid facts about how you want to live:

- you want to find out who you are
- you want to be respected
- you care for your family and you want to be loved by them
- you want to be good at what you are doing.

This is quite a lot of important things that you know, even if you claim not to know what you want. I guess that you know what you want, but you are afraid of failing to reach it. But you don't have to treat yourself the same way that your dad seems to treat you: as soon as you even think about failure you are given a hard time. You can be more gentle whith yourself and more patient. Maybe it is just important to watch yourself and to try to find out more details about the different situations that you find yourself in. Try not to loathe every aspect of it - break it down to pieces and select things you want to keep and thigs that you want to change. And then start negotiating whith yourself.

PS: I had a good book that I read in my holyday, I'll try to find the english title.

April 10, 2001
11:20 am
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Locked Up Inside
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I guess I will post again as long as people stop picking me apart here. I am not as strong inside as I make the impression and little stuff like that just ruin me. So I have a track meet today I am so NERVOUS but I can't let my dad see that he has the confidence that I am going to do perfect. I wish I had that confidence in myself. I am doing a couple events I DON'T want to do my coach is making me. But I guess there is nothing I can do.

April 10, 2001
11:48 am
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Ladeska
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It would be nice if a little "sensitivity" could be used here. Like Locked Up said....she's not that strong right now and knocking her up side the head with your opinion without any sensitivity attached to it - only wounds more. I think that's why Locked Up is here.......because this very thing has already caused major lock down.

Please do continue to post Locked Up....

April 10, 2001
12:46 pm
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eve
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Hi Locked up,

Ladeska thinks you're female? I thought you were a guy (aren't jocks male?). Funny, this internet aquantancies :-).

Please, look at everything that is said here whith a grain of salt. You see, we can't even read something as simple as your gender out of your posts. So every reaction that you get is filtered through a lot of sieves: your ability to express yourself, our mode of perception (everybody has their own load they carry, therefore we sometimes react in a stange way), our ability to express ourselfs and your ability to understand what we're saying. I bet that you know yourself better than all of us together (and I bet that you will know yourself a lot better, in a time to come). Use what you can use of our posts to help yourself and discard the rest.

Peace, Eve

April 10, 2001
1:06 pm
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azza
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locked up....my dad is also a perfectionist....but the difference is that youve done really good in watever u do..while i am here still trying to fulfill wat he wants....
...i think u have been such a 'successful' person...ur parents should be proud of you while they're not....look locked up..there's nothing wrong about what uve been going through...i am so much quite like you...but when i come to think it in a way that can force me to be strong....i take it as a challenge for me to deal with my life....
be back againn locked up..all the best

April 10, 2001
1:24 pm
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Ladeska
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Eve....LOL! How true!!! Well said!

April 10, 2001
2:58 pm
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grass
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Hey welcome back! I was hoping that you wern't gone forever. I know what you mean about your nervousness for the meet, I used to be there. Relax, let your body flow, think of it as a place away from your parents, or you can think of the race as "temporarily running away from all the expectations on you" leave them all behind you as you make meters on the track...it's all that kept me sane at times. Good luck! Don't try TOO hard.

April 10, 2001
8:15 pm
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encinoguy
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Oh, she's not gone forever. When she was "Gothic Girl" she had Molly believing her stuff. Now she's perfect with mean parents. In her first post to Gothic Girl, (on 3-28)"Locked up" said she had a year and a half to go before college. Now she says she is a Freshman. Mean ole me won't keep her away, she's having a fine time putting all you people on. If she goes away, she'll just come back as someone else with a NEW problem. Read the 2 threads.

April 10, 2001
9:52 pm
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Locked Up Inside
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Ok so the track meet has come and gone and I am so stressed I am scared to tell my dad my marks for him to say thats not fast enough or far enough. Thanks for all the advice you guys. And for encinoguy I am not Gothic Girl I don't even know who the person is. And the college thing was a type-O again QUIT picking a part my life!!!!!! Oh and by the way you were wrong in thinking I am guy I am a girl.

April 11, 2001
6:46 pm
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Ladeska
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Locked Up....so what's the worst that could happen if you tell your Dad? What if you told him everything? I think you need to go see a school counselor and your coach and your parents and sit everyone down and say - I can't do this anymore people. It's not what I want to to do, it's not who I am, it's who everyone is pushing me to be and I'm Done! I need for everyone to lay off of me so I can figure out who the heck I am and stop stressing out or I'm going to explode! Adults need to have their chain jerked when they live out their own lives through their children. He may have wished he did this or that or whatever - but you're an individual with wants and desires that may not be his! Novel idea. So, if it were me, I'd take a good long look at the stress you're already putting up with and what could come out of you doing what I'm suggesting and see if it is really all that worse. If it helps - write a letter here to them all, just for practice. Maybe you want to write a letter anyways, call them all into an office together and give it to them....will be glad to help you write that if you want to. You're in alot of pain now......I don't think the pain of doing this is going to be more. In fact, in the long run, will probably be less.

April 14, 2001
3:41 pm
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janes
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What? He wasn't even there to see you run? Is that right?

forget him. If he can push you so hard and stress you out to the max and not be there....forget it.

I don't care if he is working 10 jobs. There is no excuse no excuse noexcuse to place h igh expectations on someone else and then not be there to support the expectations.

YOu are right...sometimes there is nothingyou can do. But remember. If someone MAKES you....and you have expressed that it isn't YOUR choice..and they STILL make you...then you try your hardest and if it isn't good enough for them...to bad.

Make sure you tell others...Dad, coach, friends when something is not what YOU want. Then the responsibility for success changes.

Someday ... when you older (?)... your NO NO NO will have to be good enough for all of these people.

YOu do have tolose the guilt over telling people NO tho. doing things you don't want to just because it makes THEM happy is a terrible habit of codependents. and living life as a cocependent is not happy. (I know) (I am one)

You are great...even if you are not making others happy. You are even greater if you are making YOU HAPPY.

xxooxxooxxoo

Love and hugs and I don't care where you placed in the track meet or how many committee meetings you made it to or even what your GPA is.....

April 19, 2001
7:21 pm
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Locked Up Inside
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SOrry it's been awhile I have been really busy. So today I had a track meet and it was a varsity meet well I was supposed to run te 100m and my dad was going to come watch me run but because I tied with a senior in the varsity deciding meet the senior got to go instead of me. MY dad said that until I am on varsity for that race he won't watch me run. He said he won't come until I am on varsity for all my events and well that is my only event holding me back. Then my grades have been slowly sliding and my mom found out and totally flipped on me. I just don't have the time though. I don't know what to do. Well I better go before my mom finds me wasting time online.

April 19, 2001
7:56 pm
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grass
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WHAT!! He won't watch you unless you are on the varsity for ALL of the events you are in. (fume) and at the same time they expect you to keep your marks up. That makes me mad...I'm surprise that you aren't raging too. It's unfair, selfish and mean what they are expecting of you. And I know that you see it is, or else you wouldn't need help with it.

Please read the last two postings againg by Ladeska and Janes, they gave you some great advice.
Locked up inside...we can give you advice, support you, listen to you, but you have to be the one on the otherside that decides that something has to change. I know you want to change things...whats holding you back hun?

April 20, 2001
6:11 pm
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janes
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I agree....You are the only one TRULY in control of your life.

You want change....make it happen.

April 20, 2001
10:27 pm
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Locked Up Inside
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I want to change I am just scared of change at the same time I just am so confused and worried and I fear what it will be like once I stand up to my dad what will I do with all the time I have when I am not in sports. Just so many questions.

April 21, 2001
9:42 pm
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malaikau
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Hello Locked,
I read your posts and I feel so deeply for you. It must feel terrible to be under so much pressure all of the time. It's even harder when you're a minor, under the control of your parents because it's harder for you to reclaim your power and take your life back.

I liked reading that you are interested in entering a helping profession like social work. The world needs good social workers. Sometimes they are few and far between. It sounds to me like you can be a great asset to many disadvantaged people. I also liked hearing you talk about this because it shows me that you are thinking about your future, and that's a good sign for a person who is so exhausted and pressured to the point of collapse.

Thank you very much for being so open and sharing yourself with everyone here. I think your perseverence is going to pay off for you big time. I can't help but think about the way diamonds are made--lots of heat and pressure!!! You are sure to be one precious, beautiful, firey, strong, valuable piece of work!!!

Sincerely,

Mal

April 22, 2001
7:40 pm
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Ladeska
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Just like it's hard to continue in what you've been doing, it's going to be hard to change the tide, that's true. But, isn't it time that you stopped being your own victim here? You have the power to stop all of this, but for some reason - you won't do it, at least not yet. You can do that though.... all that freedom is laying on the table.

True, your parents won't like it, but the way I see it, they don't like much of anything now, so what's the difference? You're not a puppet, but even puppets need to realize at some point that "they have a choice" and if they don't exercise that choice - they are agreeing with - the same thing that they are complaining about.

It's time now - for "you to be you". You'll figure out what to do with your time....it's called "discovery" and that was a wonderful suggestion from Mal about volunteering with disabled people. It's time to change the scenery and it really doesn't matter if anyone else - doesn't understand.

For the first time in your life - this is about "you". And it's okay to study your navel to have your head in the clouds wondering what to do, thinking about all this space you have. That's to be expected. But, you must do....is Act and keep acting, even if it's feable or awkward - that's okay.

You've got to get out of this rut of - I can't do anything about my situation. If this continues - you will become the disabled person and it will be with your blessings and by your own hand after a point.

This is when the victim crosses the line of being victimizer. We become what we hate, we become what hurt us because we would not break away from it and turn the car around and go in the other direction.

You've got the balls. I know you do. You just have to use them. You've got the brains, you know that this isn't what you need - so get up off your butt and break out of it. You owe no one anything except a simple explanation of - this is slowly killing me - your demands to be what "you" want. I'm a person and not a possession.

I may be hard on you here, but it's what's necessary to hopefully help you to realize that you are not helpless here and that you have rights as a person to be heard and understood. And if your Dad does not respect this side of you - well, there you have it. There you have where he's coming from and anyone like him and I got news for you - this isn't love, isn't even close.

So claim your personhood, however you can and if you need to vent here, that's fine - but be about action. Can you start writing that letter here yet? Would be good therapy for you, even if you never sent it....think about it.

April 23, 2001
12:56 am
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malaikau
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Dear Locked,

I went back and reviewed some more of the posts and I want to say that I feel it's very wrong for anyone in here to criticize someone else's spelling, grammar, or whatever. It's not appropriate, and it certainly isn't conducive to a trusting and sharing atmosphere. I'm really sorry that happened to you. I know that lots of people think that you should talk to your parents about how you're feeling. And that might be a good thing to do, WHEN YOU ARE READY! I think you know your parents better than anyone. You know how they will respond, you know how you feel inside, and you know what's best for you from one day to the next.

I understand what it's like to feel that everyone is judging you, but no one really knows you. It's painful, and it feels unfair. I think you have done a beautiful job of coming in here and being honest, real, and sincere. Those of us who have read your posts are blessed to know who you are, not just what you are. Your parents may see a gifted athlete, student, and "the perfect child". I see a strong, intelligent, sensitive, and caring young person who wants to make everyone happy. No matter how you spell, how many points you score, how fast you run, or what your GPA is, you are perfect just the way you are! That's the beauty of how we were all created!

Keep hanging in there! I think you're doing an awesome job!

Sincerely,

Mal

April 23, 2001
1:59 pm
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Ladeska
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DITTO, DITTO!!! Mal - I second that.

April 23, 2001
3:38 pm
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eve
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locked up,

I can understand your distress. My advice for you is not to force things, but to keep thinking about things. Slowly, but steadily.

You propably feel like throwing everything away and shouting loudly at everybody who usually is yelling at you. Maybe you should. No, really shout. I used to do this sometimes. I'd go jogging somewhere in the woods where nobody else was listening, and I'd shout out all the things that I'd never dare to say people in their faces. Some of those trees must have been quite frightened :-0. Of course it didn't change the others :-). But it cleared my head of all this steam and clouds that were hindering all constructive thoughts. Sometimes I was able to see things more clearly after that. In any case: it made me feel better.

Keep hanging in there. Seeing your fear is the first - and most important step.

cu, eve

April 24, 2001
8:26 pm
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Locked Up Inside
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So today I guess I took a step towards the right direction. I went and talked to my school counselor about it and she is helping me along with seeing that I tell my parents that I am gonna burst soon. I hope it helps thanks so much all of those of you who have given me advie.

April 25, 2001
12:48 am
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malaikau
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Locked,

Congratulations! Going to see your school counselor was definitely a step in the right direction! Keep on talking to people who are willing to truly listen to you! Please keep in touch and let us know how things are going. And don't forget to look in the mirror, right into your own eyes, and tell yourself how proud you are for being so strong and brave. It took a lot of courage to go see the counselor. You deserve to recognize yourself for that!

Your friend,

Mal

April 25, 2001
1:03 pm
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Ladeska
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You bet you deserve to recognize your own strength!!!! I know how hard this was.....I really do. Been down some very similar roads growing up, only mine big day was down the barrel of a gun - literally. So, yes, I undestand the courage factor.

Just one step at a time, sweetheart. One step, one day, it will take time to really get to know who you are apart from everyone expects from you. But, you have rights and I am so glad you are starting to claim them and to take care of you. I'm sure your parents love you, but sometimes we get things awfully twisted in our perceptions about how to - do things.

Just stick to your guns, be very honest and please don't feel anything but pride from all of us!!!! We are VERY Proud of you and please keep in contact. We're here.

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