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Made to be the Perfect One
March 28, 2001
10:20 pm
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Locked Up Inside
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Hello everyone This is my first time posting and I am not sure really where to start. I will start with saying I came to this sight looking for help because lately thoughts of death and such have been going through my head and picturing how people would react if I did die have been going through and through over and over again and also thoughts of how I could hurt myself. Well now that I have said that I guess I will explain why I came to a board looking for help. My parents are the kind who teach you to bottle you emotions be hard show no pain or hurting. At school and at home I am seen as the star athlete the perfect student the one involved in all the clubs. Everyone sees me as the happy one that is just an outstanding person. But that is not e and I am hurting so bad inside and jsut all the pressure of having to be what everyone expects its so hard sometimes I feel like I could burst I just don't know what to do I am so scared of my thoughts but no one knows since I have locked them up inside but now I don't know how to let them out I can't let them out I don't know what to do sometimes I just want to leave run away or something jsut get as far far away from my current life as possible and start all over as a totally different person that no one knows as perfect. Someone please help I don't know what to do anymore!!!!

March 29, 2001
1:06 am
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time4change
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Hi Locked I think you have made a start just by telling us how you feel, just by writting it down is a start. Every night write down your feels keep a feeling journal. Its only for you to read but it dose help to get them out. We are here to help each other. I hope you are doing ok.t4c

March 29, 2001
11:20 am
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eve
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hi,
I can relate a lot, I used to be routinely the best pupil in the class, the model daughter, the good sport in the basketball team that everybody else could rely on. What I found is that the worst 'enemy' is in our own mind. It is mainly in our own thinking that we feel that we are only valuable to other people because we are perfect. In other words: we do not value ourselfs for what we are - and just keep pushing harder for external achievments. All this perfectionism is really inside - and we are kind of 'afraid to disappoint ourselfs'. But since it would feel silly, to be afraid of ourselfs we feel afraid of rejection by the others.

I finally just did it. Stopped being perfect - and guess what: the relationship to my family wasn't even strained, but they helped me through bad times, because they genuinely seem to care more for me, than for this imaginary model daughter that I thought I should be. And some of my better friends didn't even notice what I thought was such a huge mess in my life, they maybe just stopped wondering why I was so much of a perfectionist. Some not so good friends got lost on the way.

I wish you the best. Take your time, dare to have some faults and flaws. Good luck!

March 29, 2001
2:49 pm
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Ladeska
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You do need to write here....time to break open Pandora's Box and let the poison ooze out. Another thing is - you need to sit down and make yourself a projection.....a timeline of what time you have left in this household and what you are going to do - once you are not in that household. You may be under a certain influence now.....but that's not going to last forever. So, what do you want to do? What do you want to accomplish? Who are you? What are "your" dreams? What are your talents? This is your life, not theirs, so talk to me....I'm listening.

March 29, 2001
9:25 pm
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Hello everyone thank you to those who responded I really appreciate it.
First off I wanted to say to eve that I am sorry you have tried to go through this too because it is so hard. I tried to be not perfect for a couple weeks and tried to be who I thought might be myself but I got yelled at by my parents and questioned by my friends. I often wonder if I have any true friends it's a question I have always contemplated.
Then for Ladeska really I have no idea what I want to be I have never thought about it I have never had to make descions and stuff like that for myeslf I have no idea who I really am or what my dreams are I just know my talent is to be perfect and to have to keep pushing and keep everything inside well I am so confused and so hating this I don't know what to do so I am gonna go

March 30, 2001
11:41 am
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Ladeska
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C'mon Locked Up.....you can do better than that.....get over here....pull up a chair and let's talk about this. Do you want to get out of this hole that you are in or do you want to sit and spin some more? That's fine if you do......I've spun so much before that I almost drilled a hole to China with it. And you can do that for as long as you need to......sometimes we need to.

However, what would really be beneficial and a beginning of the "answer process" is to stay with me here....so take a pen and paper and write down some thoughts about what you want...all the questions I asked you. This is vital....IF....you really want answers here and are ready to make a definite step out of this darkness and void you find yourself in. But, it takes "action" on your part. I'm here. I'll be more than glad to coach you - but you gotta be the athelete. So, are you game? Do you want to beat the bullies of your life or not? If you DO - then let's get to work here. Very much....in "your" corner.

March 30, 2001
1:05 pm
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eve
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hey Ladeska, finding out what you want is one of the most difficult and most frightening things to do. So you've set quite a challenge here. Once you find out what you want - the rest is easy. At least I think that is how it should be. And all the 'good' decisions that I made seem to prove me right. But I can still be found fretting over 'simple' decisions.

Locked up: don't think too *perfect* in shaping your plans. Just make a rough first draft of a plan and go from there. It is easier for me to keep my plans vague and thereby open than to make a straightforward, well formed action plan including steps one, two and three. Just keep going in a direction that looks roughly right. And stop forcing yourself in directions that you feel are all wrong. (But that's a big plan in itself, isn't it).

Keep us posted (I'll be away skiing for a week, but will come back!)

March 30, 2001
2:01 pm
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Ladeska
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Eve....oh, believe me - I do know it's hard. But, I think sometimes we don't realize the energy that's involved in going the other route. It actually takes less energy to do what I'm talking about. And you're right - it needs to be a rough draft and can be fuzzy around the edges, just sort of a blackboard where you throw things up on and rearrange as you go kind of thing. But, the exercise in and of itself is freeing because it brings you in ear shot of "you" and that heartbeat that you've got going on in - your own chest, not anyone else's. It also blazes a trail out of the tunnel. And who gives a rip if we keep changing our mind about what we want? We will do that, we're living and breathing, change is a part of life and it's okay. The bottomline is - we have a voice, we have rights, we have the freedom to create, to rearrange, to blow things up and start over! We have ENERGY and FORCE in this world that is looking for a way out there on the canvas. When we are so disabled by what everyone else has been pouring down our throats - yeah, to get a dose of something healthy and original makes us want to spit up because it feels so nasty to us. We've been used to swallowing something else instead. You have a most awesome time skiing and watch out for those trees that move!

March 30, 2001
3:35 pm
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Ladeska
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Locked Up....here's an excellent website for you - http://drirene.com/1_nar.htm

March 30, 2001
10:33 pm
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So anywaz I just got back from softball try outs which were AFTER track practice. Again I feel pushed. And just the thought of try outs it just makes me have to be perfect inorder to go anywhere I feel like I have to be perfect otherwise people won't even look at me. I am so stressed now. I have taken awhile to try to think of what I want to do and I know I want to work helping people maybe a social worker or something I am not sure. But then I think will I be good enough will it be a good enough job to get the approval from my peers and parents. Will I actually be able to help the people I am gonna work with. Well I really don't know what else to say and my parents want me to get off the computer and do something "productive with my life not sitting on my butt it won't get me anywhere" so I will come back later.

March 30, 2001
11:05 pm
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Ladeska
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Locked Up....and what about "You"? What about the approval of you that comes from.....you? Can you sit down and really think about trying to put a piece of paper between you and your parents and see what's there - apart from what they want you to be. Apart from all these other people that you want to perform for? Who are you sweetheart, when you're all alone with yourself? Can you sketch yourself for me.....and no, do not just do a negative sketch either, of all your shortcomings...make it balanced as any picture has to be in order to be "realistic". You do want to see the real you, right? Then the real you is made up of many things, many sides, many talents, faults, quirks, funny things....sketch yourself....

April 4, 2001
7:45 pm
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Hey everyone so I am not getting a break from this perfect thing at ALL. Ifound out that over my spring break and the monday afterwards i have track and softball practice and lets not forget like a take home test or project for every class pretty much. Well me I don't know how to describe me but the one who has to be perfect in everything. I mean inside I am quiet and shy and feel like hurting myself everytime I think I say something stupid. I wish I knew who I really was but I haven't been given the opprituinty to do that. Well I g2g work on homework so I will post again later.

April 4, 2001
8:59 pm
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encinoguy
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So how exactly does having practice during spring break and having homework make you perfect? Doesn't the rest of the team have it also? Did you go out for these sports or were you forced? Doesn't anything make you feel happy? Everyone today is under ALOT of stress to succeed. Probably your parents too. They have jobs they need to be good at and keep?
Maybe they just want you to be a good responsible adult and not buckle under the pressure of the real world out there. It's not easy being a parent. Kids aren't the only ones who think they have to be perfect. Wait till you have a boss breathing down your neck and bills to pay and you hate what you do.

Maybe a job would be a better challenge for you instead of sports?

April 4, 2001
10:16 pm
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My parents make me participate in sports plus I am the leader of the teams and I am only a freshman. I have to do perfect in school if i don't I get chewed out and grounded for anythign less then perfect. For sports I get yelled at if I don't do something perfect both by my dad and my coaches. I don't have time for a job I have track then after track I have softball most nights I don't get home till about 9 then I still have homework. I am involved in all the advanced classes and still have to be PERFECT.

April 4, 2001
10:42 pm
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encinoguy
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Your parents "make" you? Do they beat you into submission? So what if you get chewed out, they'll get over it. And your coach expects you to be "perfect"? Coaces don't demand perfection from Freshmen. How can you possibly run track and play softball at the same time? Now that would take magic.
If they don't beat you, don't do it.
Period. If they punish you, so what?
At least you can take a stand. You have a computer, so they must give you a pretty good life. And so what if you're grounded? You said you don't think you have any friends anyway, how much does a Freshman have to go out? If you're grounded, you can't go to practice. If you're so unhappy with your sports and your grades, refuse to play the sports and concentrate on your schoolwork, then the grades wont be so hard to get and your parents will have to cut get off your back about them.
Screw the sports, quit.

April 5, 2001
9:05 am
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I am on school's track team and the city's traveling softball team thats how I am on both and no it's not magic. My coaches know me and my dad and my dad makes me be in sports if I' not I am a baby and my whole relationship with my father is sports this sports that. Our main conversations are at the gym. If I hurt I am a baby and again Pain is Just the Weakness Leaving the Body. This is how I have been raised I mean I don't like being perfect but I don't know who I really am with out be the All Star Athlete and the straight A student. Thats all I have ever had in my life thats all I know. I am not unhappy with it I just don't know what to do because I feel like I am going to burst one of these days.

April 5, 2001
11:25 am
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Ladeska
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Locked Up.....if I were you - I'd start focusing on the future - without - what your Dad wants you to do. Once you turn 18 - your life is your life. I'm sure it would probably do no good at al to talk to him. People like this - are usually one way streets. They are using you as an extension of themselves. Sad....that he doesn't even recognize the pain his own child is going through emotionally.... What a rigid person. Guess he doesn't allow himself to be imperfect either, huh? Must be torture to live inside his world. My bet is - his father was just like him. Glad you see past this. Just hoping that you will see all the way past it..... I used to live in a prison an awful lot like this one, except mine had alot of other abuse in it. And I concentrated alot on my other interests. I was musical, artistic, a writer and all that kept me sane I think. And, I focused on the future and the minute I could - I left and never lived under that again. Talk here all you want to. I think it's good for you to have an outlet. Parents need to realize how much they push their kids and that it's not the end of the world if their prodigy - is human afterall.

April 5, 2001
6:11 pm
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See I have NOTHING to focus on my life has been nothing but sports outside of school. From being on teams to attending camps in teh summer one thing after another and during and downtime it's always conditioning with my dad at the gym. I don't know if it has to do with his father being a marine or the fact my dad was a college all star athlete. Right now the only thing besides school work I have going for me is sports. Who am I without them?? Cause I have not a clue. If I quit just one team I would suddenly have this big gap with nothing to fill it. And there is no way I will get a full ride on jsut academics and my family doesn't have the money to send me without a full ride.

April 5, 2001
11:25 pm
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Ladeska
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Locked up....well, what I see here is you are stuck....but, not really. What do "you" want? This is the core question here. And it's something you will eventually have to ask yourself and get an answer. You're going to have to stand up to your parents about not wanting to do this anymore and at least tell them. Then, you're going to have to figure out who you are within the gap. No one can do this for you. You will have to step out on your own and "do it" and stop allowing them to push you into something you really don't want to do. You can do something here and you need to just do it.

April 5, 2001
11:32 pm
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grass
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Locked up inside, I hear your cry. It was only a few years ago that I was the same as you... involved in 12 different committees, wrestling, track & feild team captain, soccer... I felt that I needed to be perfect to be both accepted from my peers and my family. It seemed to work for awhile, until I did break down...down into an anxiety disorder, blacking out into unconsciousness in the middle of the day and needing medication to get by... you are going to be the same until you make a change. And I sense that you do want to change or else you would not be asking for advice. I think that you NEED to figure out what you are really happy doing and continue doing that and drop everything else. Make a list of priorities and put YOUR mental health at the top.

Another thing I would to point out is your name: locked up inside. It says alot about you. All of your emotions are locked up and that too (not only being involved in too much)is going to eat you alive and make you break down sooner and later. So many people wrongly beleive that their emotions and feelings are wrong, bad, and make them weak. NO. God gave us emotions for a reason, they tell you when things are good and when things are wrong. Right now your emotions are telling you that things are wrong and you need to change it, your parents are not going to. Question: have you tried talking to them about the way you feel? I sense that your parents are not emotional people, break the cycle and show them that YOU ARE A PERSON!

April 6, 2001
6:12 pm
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Ladeska
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Tell it like it is, Grass! What do you have to lose - their grip on you maybe..... You've been a willing puppet until now, so just say - No - I'm a person and these things that I'm doing should be things - I want - to do. And if they don't approve of that - then not much difference, huh - except you'd be striking out into your own personhood. You'll probably never get "their" approval about anything. I'm sure they don't approve of themselves - therein the REAL problem. So, at least out of this - you'd get your own inner freedom and start finding out for the first time "who am I?" You are someone - away from all this, you know? So, start getting your feet wet and introduce yourself to other things, other arenas of interest. You don't have to eat hotdogs all your life - you can have other food, you know? (smile) Just because they live their life this way - doesn't mean you have to and certainly not the way you have to live it in your own head. Start now - breaking free of it - willfully. I'm reminded of Dead Poet's Society (the movie) talking to you right now. Have you seen that? The teacher - portrayed by Robin Williams has alot to say to you.....watch it this weekend.....time to break out of the mold and be "you"!

April 6, 2001
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I want to stop and I have tried when I was layed up in a cast for 19 weeks(thats a hooror story in itself of not showing pain and the whole no pain no gain thing) I told my dad I was never going to set foot on a basketball court or track or in a pool again and he just yelled that thats not the way to go through life and that if thats the way I am now giving up when the going get tough then how am I going to keep a job and get anywhere in this world. I want to break free but then there is my mind telling me you are no one without being the all out sports star and the one with all the anwsers in class. Then I also feel that I have something to prove that not all jocks are stupid that its my ob to prove that theorey wrong and then the reverse of it to that not all "brainiacs" if you will have absolutely no athletisim. I just have no idea who I am without it and I am so incredibly scared. I mean what if I am nobody and my only chances of succeding were in sports then what do I do. And I can't just go up to my dad and burst out crying about it or even my mom cause then I get yelled at and told I am a baby and I don't know how to handle things and as long as I am emotionaly unwell I put to much stress on the family and if I keep it up I am out of the house. So I have been raised to keep it ALL inside if ou hurt emotionaly or mentally tell no one no one wants to hear your problems and thats why its hard for me to post here.

April 6, 2001
9:44 pm
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encinoguy
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Actually, I think most brainiacs can spell "emotionally" and "horror" and athleticism. Dad doesn't care if you can't spell?

See my point? You aren't perfect. Nobody is.

Oh, and think about this...how far are these sports going to take you? Once you GET INTO college, are you going to have a career or just a sport? Gonna join the WNBA? ONE OF THESE days the sports are going to end, so it's either find out who you are now or later.

Sounds like alot of people have told you some good stuff and you don't want to buy it.So you've been raised to keep it inside, so what? What's the worst that can happen if you don't? If you don't let it out and face the consequences finally, then you don't mind it the way it is.

I don't have a Leave it To Beaver family either but I keep telling myself at least I have one. You don't get beat up do you? Consider yourself
lucky. How hard is it for you to post?
So far you've done it seven times. I wish I had a Dad who gave a crap about what I did with my life.

April 7, 2001
12:40 pm
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Ok number one I can spell but my typing is on the weak side notice how the boards don't have spell check to check up on typing mistakes. And it is not just my dad my mother is mostly in on the academics side of my life. But maybe your right I will stop coming to this sight and you wanna know the reason here everyone is picking me a part and giving me the same impression that I need to be perfect I mean the whole picking apart every spelling error I have. All I did was look for a place where I could talk and not be completely locked up but looks like I can't even get that from a board thats supposed to be not judgmental.

April 7, 2001
1:45 pm
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grass
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man! encinoguy. I'm not sure but it seems like you are using this service to throw bitterness and pain onto other pl. The problem that Locked up inside is bigger than you see. The comments you gave her made me sick to my stomache and the reply she had to them made me even sicker. Are you aware that emotional and mental abuse IS real, just as real as a punch in the head or any other physical abuse. It is just harder to process b/c it is not so concrete to notice.
Man! This service (as I see it) is to encourage and support, not tear down and Judge.

Locked up inside, I'm sorry that you feel like you can not post here. I just want you to know that there are pl. on here that do want to listen to your cry for help and to help you..I for one. I do understand the pressure you are under and the terror you feel towards your parents, if you do not meet their standards and if you are thinking about standing up for yourself. You end up living in a world that is not of you own and you don't feel like it is not worth living.

Please, if it helps you ignore the one's who are useing this site to vent and blame the world for their pain and focus on those who are real and want to help you to a point that you won't need to post, b/c you will get to a point that you will unlock your self and you will find what you want from the time you have in YOUR LIFE.

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