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Mad as hell and I'm not taking it !
January 30, 2007
12:46 pm
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jon668
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Okay. Two years ago I was on top of the world. I was throwing parties, a side adventure. My job was great-I had just been made a partner. I met someone new and wanted to build a relationship.
Today: I had to walk away from my job because my partner was not supportive and was spiralling out of control with drinking. My mother died of cancer. My new relationship was lying and cheating on me. I had to move out of the mountains and start all over again.
I feel myself being angry more and more now. I feel like i've already exhausted my friends and am starting to isolate myself. I have done 'coke' again. And feel like my life is running me over.
I feel that i had the golden touch just two years ago...what happened? I am more scared because I feel myself getting more out of control with my anger.
I have decided to not drink and no more drugs but what am I suppose to do about my heart?

January 30, 2007
1:10 pm
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dustpuff
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Treat it tenderly and with care. It sounds like you have been hit with an amazing amount of grief. I would start by finding a counselor and deal with your grief, betrayl and everything else that is going on. It is easy to wear out your friends. A counselor is there to give you tools to let go of the anger.

I know you said that you aren't going to drink or do drugs but seriously think about it if you get the urge. That can only complicate and make your life worse. I have seen people lose everything because of drugs, houses, cars, families, lives.

I am sorry! I know that doesn't help much but I hope you find the help you need. It is difficult when everything seems to come down on you are once.

January 30, 2007
1:38 pm
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CAMER
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life does has its ups and downs, and now things are looking down....so why not try to get some counseling, and you are taking the rights steps with quitting drugs/drinking....that is good....and anger is an emotion, and try not to let that emotion get the best of you.

Take time now to nurture yourself, keep coming back here, and in time your heart will heal.

(((camer)))

January 31, 2007
10:48 am
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jon668
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Thanks for your input Dustpuff & Camer. I will keep coming back and will keep my chin up.

January 31, 2007
12:56 pm
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nappy
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Hello Jon668,

Your question? what am I suppose to do about my heart?
Well I hope that your heart is hurting because of your mother death with cancer, not the other stuff that I read. I know that this is hard because my mother died from that also. Sorry for your lost.

By question to you is. Why did you have to walk away from a job because of your partner drinking? What did he have to do with your job?

And what are you angry about?

February 1, 2007
9:16 am
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Matteo
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"I hope that your heart is hurting because of your mother death with cancer, not the other stuff". Why not, nappy? Don't you think a betrayal of people jon668 trusted: a loved one and a business partner is a valid reason to hurt and be angry about?

Jon668, you have plenty to be angry about, and anger is a part of grieving process as well. You are very fragile now - make sure that you will not go back to drugs or drinking, and allow yourself to grief. You can start all over again; it is hard but it is not impossible. It is up to you to take your life back, and only you can do it. It's OK to be angry, but for you own benefit you will have to change this anger into something positive, not destructive. Take care of yourself, you deserve it. Take it slowly and look and ask for help if you need it. Look for friends who will be there for you when you are down, not only when your life is going great; those are the true friends, and hard to find. Grieving process after someone abandons or betrays you can take a very long time, and in your case it happened three times recently. Be gentle with yourself.

February 1, 2007
12:52 pm
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nappy
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Matteo, I didn't mean for that to sound the way it did. What I was saying was that. All of the above does hurt and you do get angry about the betrayal of people. But it just seem like this person plate is full and it seem like a lot to take at this moment and if this person was close to there mother and she died, then that is a bigger hurt and pain that is hard to get over.Then you look behind you and there is more hurt and pain.
I'm not saying to not grieve because you have to in order to go through the process but losing someone that is never coming back is a true pain that you have to learn to deal with.
I wouldn't put that pain first to the person that cheated on me or even lied to me first then my mother.
The mother is gone, but that other person who they loved is still going to lie and cheat, so I would be gentle with myself and work on the grieving that is most important and that is losing my mother.

February 1, 2007
1:06 pm
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Matteo
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nappy ~ I cannot even imagine putting the priorities on pain; you feel what you feel, not what you should be feeling according to whatever standards. We don't know what hurts him/her the most, and it really doesn't matter; the fact that it hurts does. My mother cheated me and lied to me many times and I don't know how I even feel about her. I am quite positive though that grieving her departure wouldn't be the hardest thing for me to do since she did it so many times in the past already. I think it is very individual how people might feel in that kind of situation, and that should be accepted whatever they feel.

February 1, 2007
1:29 pm
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nappy
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Yes Matteo, you are right! Didn't mean to make it sound like I was saying to put priorites on pain. Please forgive me on that one.
I guess sometimes with all of us in so pain, I just wish sometimes that it would just go away.
Maybe I just feeling like that because I do miss my mother and it is still hard for me sometimes because she is not here.

February 1, 2007
1:39 pm
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atalose
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jon,
I am so sorry for your hurt and pain. I am glad to hear you say no more drink or drugs, because that's just going to continue making things in your life spiral down. I know it's an easy and quick way we attempt to make ourselves feel better at that moment but in the long run it does more harm then good.
It's going to take you some time to process all of what has gone on in your life these past years, be kind to yourself, if possible seek out the help of a therapist. Anger can be crusing and getting it out in productive ways with the help of someone is always best.
Anger lingers, it rears it little head at the strangest times, how we react when it rises is what makes the difference in our lives.

You do have a right to be angry, you just don't want that anger to take over your and run your life.
Have patience, this(anger) too shall pass if you work it through.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

February 1, 2007
1:54 pm
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Matteo
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(((nappy)))

February 1, 2007
2:40 pm
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nappy
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(((((MATTEO)))))

Thank you!

Nappy

February 1, 2007
2:56 pm
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jon668
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Matteo, Nappy, Atalose,

Well, I have made the decision to NOT do any more drugs or drink. I know it won't help but I must admit it felt GREAT to do a "line" again. I felt like crap the next day. So, I keep reminding myself of that.
As for my partner, he began drinking away the business. I had placed a lot of hope and belief my business partner, als, to find out he was lying and only thinking of himself.

As for my new relationship, with Dominic,I was STUNNED. He flew me home to meet his family right before catching him on-line picking up guys off craigslist. He could have given me HIV, Herpes, anything! I feel as though absolutley no thought was given to me, yet , he blames me for his infidelity still. He states that I contributed to making him feel insecure and that's why he cheated on me. I dumped him. BUt He came back after joining AA and getting us enrolled in couples counceling. Now, I think who is this person. Suddenly I mean so much when I meant so little before. I feel everything that was expressed to me was a lie. What am I to believe?

I feel, professionally and personally, I've been kicked in the groin. I am struggling to not lash out at everyone and be just as selfish and self-centered as them but that is not me. Maybe I should be just as hard and cruel as them...is that what the world is now? I thought it wasn't but now that's what I see everywhere.

Input?

February 2, 2007
1:18 pm
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HI:
yes I feel you!!! i felt once like that. ANd i did have to become self centered until i began to built everything that was destroyed. But im not sure that it was the right choice , for me it was but it might not work for every one. I just can tell you not to lose it be string as hard as it is the grass is always greener on the other side. IT is and this will pass even if it looks like it wont. Im very sorry u are going thru this i will keep u in my prayers!! Soledad

February 2, 2007
1:34 pm
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gracenotes
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jon,

I have had so many losses in my life, even since the beginning of the year. I went through a lot of sadness, crying, some anger, and pain, but I allowed myself to feel all of this, I found a great therapist I saw for awhile, and I am starting to find new support and a new life for myself, a life that I create built on my own personal dreams that I finally feel capable of reaching.

So, I wanted to say something about loss. Maybe these things and people who are gone are supposed to be gone. Maybe you have a higher vision for yourself inside that is wanting to express itself in a new and better way. Yes, it is difficult, it is up and down, there is pain, but maybe this is all an invitation to reinvent yourself and be a greater expression of you.

I am glad you are saying no to coke. I really believe drugs totally stunt one's emotional growth and it sounds like you need to grieve, to feel, to find sources of suppport. WIth every line of coke, you will be prolonging your development at the expense of a quick high. I tried coke once or twice decades ago, so I know what that can do to one's mind and body.

Are you in or approaching midlife? If so, this is a grand chance to get things right. That's what I am doing, and this site has been a wonderful source of support for me. Its a long process for me, much longer than expected, and I sure have had my dark nights of the soul, so to speak, but I have never been healthier or more excited about life. Even with all my losses, that's the amazing thing.

(((((Jon)))))

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