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****MA STRONG****
November 12, 2006
1:40 am
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needtoheal
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Ma--

I have found that nothing has changed in keeping contact with him Thurday-FRiday-Saturday..

Thursday night-- he did not have much to say other than he has mixed feelings about US... YES/NO
YES-because he loves me
NO- because does not want to argue anymore

Friday night-- I called and we talked about the day.. my son's birthday and he talked about work.. not much information and very brief --20 minutes.

Saturday morning-- i called. he did not answer. he called back said that he was listening to the music in his car and sorry he missed my call.. but I did not hear the phone.. so I called back and he did not answer. he called back and left message that it is a cat/mouse chase..
he said that he was on the road and could talk if I wanted to call back.
so i did.. talked briefly.. he ended it with telling me to call him after I got home from work. I did and he did not answer and I did not leave a message.. then I called before I left to go bowling. when i got home few hours later he did not call. I called him and he did not answer.. tried again and he did not answer and I did not leave a message...

Then came here to talk with my sister about it..

and now I feel better.

I just do not understand my behavior. I know that letting go is a process and I am making progress-- changing my cell phone number (which he was mad) he can no longer call me during the day at work or text me anymore. and it helps me to control my impulsivity of calling him.

Then during the weekends he is not charged minutes so i called him from the house phone (do not want to give him cell number even though he said that he would not take it again because he said that I have now done this twice with him)..

I felt rejected tonight when he was not available to answer my call or return my phone call hours later..

Anyway, my point is this: I think that I made a few steps backwards and I did get to see my reaction to his behavior which is very unhealthy. I am not angry with myself because I have improved from a month ago when he did not answer and I drove past his house and the bar that he was at -the night that i had the funeral for my dad's best friend..

I also think that by him saying to me that he no longer wants to argue means to me that he does not want to be responsible or accountable for his actions of hurting me..
I do not believe that he has a girlfriend right now.. but that should not matter to me.

Maybe I opened the door a crack in and in doing so I did get to see that things will not improve .. and that i do feel hurt and rejected.. and by someone who is incapable of loving me the way in which I should feel loved..

do you agree or understand?

I want to be healthy ma.. I really do.. I did make progress today though. After I talked to him this morning I cleaned the house .. a form of exercise for me.. and then went to work 10am-5pm.. and even after calling him after work I still took the puppy for a much needed walk and I did get ready for bowling and went.. I had a good time at bowling.. I was interacting with others and smiling.. had a good time.
and i did not leave a message for him

I want to close the door to this agony and by taking a few steps back it reminds me that I can go forward (makes sense??) ..

tomorrow i am going to walk the puppy.
A new friend at bowling gave me a free
pass to a gym which i would like to check out in the morning before work. and then go to work 12pm -6pm .. filling up the emptiness.. and boys return from their fathers at 7:30pm.. plan on coming here after work until kids come home now that the house is spotless -- well, i do admit that it is never spotless!!!
so i am making these plans so I can take care of myself alone...

thanks for listening.. posting does help Ma./ and I feel safe here knowing others like yourself understand.
I appreciate your suggestions,advice and all the support you have given me

love,
NEED

November 12, 2006
9:16 am
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StronginHim77
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Need -

He is punishing you for initiating No Contact, for changing your cell phone number, for taking steps to protect yourself from his control of your life. All abusers PUNISH their victims for any attempt to stop the abuse or break free of their control. Get it? And it will always be this way. If you were to go back with him, the punishment would continue and escalate because you have demonstrated that you want to a better life, you see through him and you want to break free. He will nail you for that, for sure. Count on it.

Ok...so you have opened the door to contact with him. You see that he has NOT changed,nor is he going to change. He hoovered you in with a little bit of niceness...and you responded. Voila! There you have it. Now, he's got you calling, but is refusing to take your calls. This is Elementary Punishment of Victim 101. These guys could teach a class on it, ya know?

Stop calling him. Shut the door. End the abuse. Give up the false hope that he will change. He will NEVER change. He is sick and doing nothing about it.

The sooner you break free of his control and sever all contact with him, the sooner you will begin to heal and recover your joy, peace and happiness.

- Ma

November 12, 2006
9:21 am
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StronginHim77
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Simondo -

You have gone to your ex-wife's workplace. You have called her and taken her calls. You know what she is doing, and yet you continue to "hope against hope" for some miraculous change to take place. That she will suddenly "see the light" and become the faithful, repentent, devoted woman you long for. Ain't gonna happen. She is a very sick woman. My guess: narcissist. She will drain you dry, then move on for fresh prey. She will keep coming back, as long as she can get something from you: comfort, money, companionship (inbetween lovers)...in short, narcissistic supply. She will drain you dry, and leave you to die on the wayside of the road of life, if you allow it.

Initiate No contact. Until you do, you will continue to suffer. You are addicted to this sort of abuse. Time to break free. Are you in therapy for this codependency? It would help you alot. She is like a "drug" for you. The chaos. The pain. The terrible up's and down's.

It's toxic. It's unhealthy. And you are the only person who can face Reality (she is a very sick woman) and close the door to this suffering and move on.

Not trying to be mean to you. But only the Truth will help you.

- Ma

November 12, 2006
9:29 am
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needtoheal
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Ma-- you are correct...

I know that he was angry about me changing my cell phone..

You are right about punishment.. and I also think that the reason why he started to reject me is because I did not want to tolerate his abuse anymore... that I did see through him and uncovered his mask... He had pulled away ever since that night that he pushed me out of the way and then I slightly slapped him for calling me a C--T and he said to me that if I were to get my brother he would stab the as-hole in the heart in front of me.... then two weeks later he tried reaching out to me by coming to see me bowl before he went to the bar to help his friends and I did not want anything to do with him.. and yet he did stay with me... and since then he has been gone.. That was Septmember 16....
I just do not understand myself sometimes. I am not trying to be hard on myself because I do see progress and I am feeling better. Last night I had a good time at bowling and was interacting with new friends that I have made.
I am ready Ma....to detach...
thanks for responding with your words of wisdom..

November 12, 2006
12:55 pm
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Oh Mastrong I am listning I know what you is saying has to be true. I came across e-mails over the past years when this has happened. They could of been from today. Got one email today from her full of stuff I want to reply to asking questions I want to reply to. I think it was you who also pointed out that by staying in contact I am enabling her to continue with her ways. She too has to not have me in her life in order to know there is no longer any safety net to fall into. But I am not replying. I start again first full day with N/C Have ordered a new book 'How to break your addiction to a person' looking foreward to getting it and hoping it will help. Thanks Mastrong and keep with it needtoheal

November 12, 2006
1:48 pm
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StronginHim77
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Need and Simondo -

You are both set on the path to recovery. You have taken the HUGE First Step: No More Denial. You are in a day-by-day struggle to resist making any contact with a toxic human being who will bring you NOTHING but more heartache, more suffering, more anguish.

Simondo -

I did the same thing months ago...pulled out some emails which flew back & forth between me and my ex. The dialogue, the pain, the "blaming/projection and cruelty" was the same. Only the dates were different from what was going on when we finally split last Spring. It just went on and on and on...until (as Need noted) I began to SEE the abuse, call him on the carpet about it and start standing up for myself. Then, he began vicously rejecting me. Why? Because the mask was off and I was beginning to come out of denial and then TAKE ACTION. He dumped me BEFORE I could dump HIM. He knew it was coming.

Today, I have been away from my abusive ex for 5-1/2 months. I would not go back to him, even if his psychiatrist pronounced him "Cured" and the minister of my church pronounced him a repentent, reformed "saint." That's how serious I am about severing from him. I will never give him another shot at hurting me. That's not the same as being unforgiving. I have forgiven him. He is mentally ill. I got in his path and refused to look at the "red flags" and get out of his way. So, I got hurt. But I have forgiven him. However, I do not -- and will not -- expose myself to him anymore. He is always going to be that damaged, destructive, wounded and needy soul who nearly destroyed me.

This is what we must keep before us during the difficult early days of No Contact. We must remember WHO we are doing it for: ourselves AND them. Remember that they will never seek help for themselves, unless we cut them off and leave them to bottom out and face themselves. Few do, but it is still their only hope. And we do it FOR OURSELVES. It is the only path to recovery, peace and a happy future. We have to break our addiction to life in a lane of chaos, upheaval and emotional turmoil. That was not love we were drawn to...it was ADDICTION to a chaotic, painful, adrenaline-producing relationship.

Now, we have to break the addiction. You will (literally) experience "withdrawal," as you break contact with these people, refuse their emails, block their phone calls and delete their text messages (unread). Do not return their calls. The more overwhelming your panic-driven urge to speak to them, the greater your addiction. Break the addiction. Face the pain and take it on an hour-by-hour basis, if you have to. When you feel like caving, come to these threads and post. We will be here for you.

I want to see all of you FREE and healed in your hearts, so that you can move on to healthy, fulfilling relationships in your future. First, you have to kick the addiction.

Love,

Ma Strong

November 12, 2006
7:00 pm
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clownface
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Hey friends~

Ma is exactly right, Need. This is elementary Punishment 101. So you took a few steps backwards...that is part of the healing. Three steps forward and two steps backwards, but the key is to make the increments between the contact to get bigger. So instead of it being one week, it's two,then it's a month and so forth. That's what my counselor tells me. Too bad, I haven't heeded her advice.

But today is my first day of NC. This time last week we were at the Steelers game in Pittsburgh. I paid for almost everything. Now here I sit watching the Steelers on TV......Gee, you think maybe I might have been taken advantage of???

Don't best yourself up about contacting him. Just remember, it's painful to start over again.

November 12, 2006
7:21 pm
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Clownface~ Another Steelers Fan!!! Yeah!!!

Ma Strong (aka Wise One)~ The path of No Contact isn't easy at first but it does get easier. Thank you for showing me that. I feel much better about not reading messages and e-mails.

Cyndra

November 12, 2006
7:25 pm
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clownface
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Opps, that should've have been BEAT yourself up!!! (on my last post)

Cyn, are you watching the Steelers game now? Geez, that a game. Last week I was in section 115, 10 yard line, 12 rows from the field!! Take a guess what I paid for those tickets!!!

November 12, 2006
11:17 pm
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needtoheal
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Simondo---

I bought the book you mentioned and it is a very good book.. I hope you get it soon... When you do, contact me and maybe we can help each other with it ok?

congratulations on going back to no contact...

I am doing the same. THis week it will be a lot easier because he cannot call or text me anymore....
He could call the house phone but I doubt that he will be doing it.. He seems to be holding onto a grudge-- pouting that I called his friends losers a long time ago and that I do not even know his one friend enough to say that about her.. he is right but I do not like her lifestyle and i did not want her calling my house to get in touch with him.. she is a heroin addict and she is going through a tough time because last year she lost her husband and child .. i even went to the funeral in another state while my parents watched my kids .. did this out of respect for him..
I just have a different lifestyle than him and he seems to want to go out and drink (whereas before he would sit home or hang at a friend's house and smoke pot)..
He stopped all that when he met me but now I am not interested in going to a bar every weekend.. I would much rather be home alone with either the kids or even by myself than to go to a bar...

He even referred to me as his mother when after he mentioned all the negatives about me and all I said was that if I mention anything about him, he says "oh god..and i am too sensitive"-- that means he does not want to be responsible or accountable for hurting me.. and he said that his mother says that to him..

take care simondo

hope you get the book soon

we both deserve a much more peaceful life

November 13, 2006
2:59 am
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Simondo3573
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Thanks needtoheal have woken wanting to reply to the hurtfull things my wife said in yesterdays email. Things such as "You are going to be snapped up, be cautious though there are loads of predatory woman looking to lick your wounds" GROW UP I want to shout. Right now I need to get the kids to school Day 2 N/C

November 13, 2006
11:18 am
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StronginHim77
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Simondo -

Block her so that she cannot email you. If you continue reading her emails, you are breaking "No Contact." NC means NC. BLOCK HER. And begin No Contact.

- Ma

November 13, 2006
11:31 am
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You aint called Ma Strong for nothing. We all need you. Thanks

November 14, 2006
3:48 pm
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StronginHim77
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Simondo...

I know how hard it is to block them. Right now, you are like an addict in withdrawal from this relationship. Probably feeling panic at the thought of NO FURTHER CONTACT. Keep posting. We are here for you and we have all been in your shoes. But it DOES get better. Take it an hour at a time.

- Ma

November 14, 2006
10:00 pm
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needtoheal
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YOU

November 14, 2006
10:01 pm
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needtoheal
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oops.. clicked to soon....

ARE AMAZING...

THANK YOU FOR BEING YOU!!
the wise and wonderful Ma to us all

November 14, 2006
11:10 pm
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StronginHim77
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Major hugs to all of you. God bless, strengthen and protect each of you, as you break free of the manipulation, control and cruelty which has bound you for so long.

- Ma

November 14, 2006
11:32 pm
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needtoheal
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YOU are TRULY a BLESSING< MA

November 15, 2006
9:27 am
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StronginHim77
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Pacing in circles here, waiting to hear if Simondo had the strength to block the ex's emails.

- Ma

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