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****MA STRONG****
November 5, 2006
10:42 am
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needtoheal
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I am going to report the cell phone as lost/ stolen... and if I do indeed find it I am going to throw it in the river.. symbolically letting it go..

Before last night I probably would have panicked... felt like I misplaced my "lifeline" to him.

Now I am healing...

November 5, 2006
12:50 pm
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needtoheal
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well found the cell phone... but i read somewhere that a person can write down their fears like on a stone and throw them away...

By the way, all my friends love the name "POND SCUM" and I do give you all the credit...

That's it.. I can throw all those stones down at the river by my house where there is POND SCUM!!!!!!!

November 5, 2006
2:12 pm
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StronginHim77
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That was kinda cool, losing your cell phone. I am almost sorry that you found it. Might not be a bad idea to change your phone number, though. Are you considering that?

At first, it was very hard for me to "block" my ex. VERY hard. I would block him online, so that he could not see me. Then, I would unblock him for a few days. Somehow, just seeing him sign on & off was something I needed. But then, he would send me a stupid email that would make me feel lousy (these guys are experts are transferring their misery to their partners) and I would realize I needed to BLOCK him, if I wanted to feel better. So, I would reblock him...for a few weeks...then unblock him again. And the cycle would begin. I have finally got him blocked and am keeping him blocked.

So, I understand how it comes and goes in waves. We can feel strong one hour, then want to cave in and have contact with them, the next.

Do everything you can to protect yourself from caving in during those weak moments. They WILL come, especially when you are tired, ill or lonely.

I really believe you are set on a path to a healthier, happier YOU. You are showing so much courage and determination.

Don't give up. No matter what.

- Ma Strong

November 5, 2006
2:25 pm
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needtoheal
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thanks MA

Yeah I was a little disappointed in finding it

I am thinking about blocking his number for the house phone

and I can change the cell number again--did it once before back in may when he told me that if i could not accept that he still talks to the heroin girl (that is now supposedly in rehab for marijuana usage but claimed she was clean!) that I can stay out of his life..so i changed the cell number -- and he was absolutely shocked..

then i caved in.. and the cycle continued

He does not have a computer so I don't have to take that in consideration at all...

Ma--

I don't know if you read this at the no contact thread but someone mentioned the HALT method from AA

H=hunger
A=angry
L=lonely
T=tired

but I think I have to include BOREDOM

or I can just cluster it with lonely..

I think that I will definitely throw some rocks in the river....

By the way, did you read the posts about Mandy? I was upstairs and she was downstairs and barking (boys were in school at the time).. and I went downstairs to see what was the matter and she had her water bowl in her mouth ...looking up at me with those small dark-colored eyes?

I did well Friday night after work too.. And I did not have access to my computer... did not realize i turned off the wireless switch..on the laptop.. but that is ok because it took 3 people to figure out that the laptop had a switch...

So, even without the access to my friends and having no outlet, I was still able to enjoy being alone...
pretty proud of myself...

November 5, 2006
2:38 pm
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needtoheal
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don't know if you read horoscopes but here is one for today (it's my dad's birthday)

The sun transitioning through the realm of Scorpio has a stinging nature. Its stinger is the brutal truth. Maybe it comes through your best friend, boss or mother-in-law. Maybe it comes from a dream or a glance in the bathroom mirror. But it comes, the plain truth. At first it may feel like a punishment, but it is really a gift. The Scorpio sun feels personally responsible for our transformation, and therefore urges us to look at the thing that is blocking our change. A glorious Taurus full moon at the top of the week helps us employ all of our senses to accept what we learn.

This jumped out at me...

The TRUTH came from you, MA

You are the person who made me see

the truth.. and understand that I do

have the choice......

Thanks again Ma

November 5, 2006
8:26 pm
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needtoheal
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bump

November 6, 2006
8:47 am
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StronginHim77
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How many days of No Contact have you gotten through now? I want to keep count because every day of NC is a victory.

And YES - block him from your home phone, immediately. If you can change your cell phone number, do so.

Love,

Ma Strong

November 6, 2006
9:02 am
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needtoheal
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Hi Ma---

the last time he called was Saturday November 4.. he let the phone ring once and I called him back and said "are you trying to F--K with my head?" he said "you know I am not like that"
I told him "well, telling me that you do not want any type of relationship with me that means you do not want me in your life anymore." he said that is not what he ever said..
He said that he would call me later

and I hung up the phone..

so, this afternoon will be Day 2

Lovinglife-- my big sister if you have been following the afghan thread-- sent me BEauty of No COntact on the NO CONtact thread...
that was helpful..

I do not wish to speak to him ever again Ma.....

I am in the anger stage of grief and I do not want him to be able to speak to me at all,,,

I thought that I should NOT change the cell number because I thought that by letting him call and me not answering was more of a blow to his ego?????

maybe then I will call right now and change the cell number

and I will block the house phone

November 6, 2006
3:24 pm
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needtoheal
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Ma--
I have to admit that I was going to wait for him to call or text me -- and of course not respond -- and then change the number

BUT I am making the decision to do it now...

I do not want to have any more anxiety over whether or not he is going to call or text me ...

Maybe that is a sign that I am in a weakened state .. but I want to close the door as much as possible because I do not feel weak.. I feel strong and I know that NO CONTACT is what is absolutely best for me and my life ahead...

November 6, 2006
4:59 pm
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needtoheal
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DID IT< MA changed the cell phone number and now in the process of changing the house number. I do not want this man to be able to call me ever again.. EVER!!!! I am so done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I no longer want or need him in my life...

November 6, 2006
6:40 pm
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lovingmom
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Need - I hate to butt in on this thread, but I just wanted to say I've been reading some of your posts today and am very proud of you for changing your numbers. What a huge step for you.

November 6, 2006
8:12 pm
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needtoheal
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NO MORE POND SCUM...

NO MORE POND SCUM...

NO MORE POND SCUM....

I am sure that he will get the message now that I changed the cell phone..

Ma-- it is true that this man sucked the life out of me...

but I am strong now and I am on my way to recovery...

THANK YOU

November 6, 2006
8:30 pm
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StronginHim77
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need -

Changing those phone numbers was a very brave move. It took alot of courage. I know how hard it is to do that. (I struggled with it, too.)

Believe me, when he tries calling you (and he WILL try), he is going to receive the most sincere "wake up call" of his LIFE!! Changing your numbers will deliver a profound and clear message.

I am really proud of you. Remember that "No Contact" is a DAILY choice for all of us. Each day, we wrestle with anger, fear, doubt, anxiety, pain, shame, loneliness...but -- in time -- those feelings yield to peace, faith, confidence, contentment, happiness and HOPE.

Yes. You are on your way to recovery. Expect some "down" days and some "up" days. Let the anger help you through it. (Anger DOES help. I still have flashes of it from time to time.)

Love,

Ma Strong

November 6, 2006
10:02 pm
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needtoheal
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thanks Ma... and I do expect to have some down days..

could not get to block his phone number from the house line.. telephone company no longer provides call blocking..
but i did get in touch with the phone company and they all of a sudden said that they can TRY to have the call blocking option for me.. have to wait until tomorrow morning..
It will be a wake up call for him.. I don't know if he will try to contact me anymore..

He may show up at my work and I already told my supervisors that they will have to take over my work while I excuse myself to the ladies room while someone takes over for me if he is there... so I did plan ahead already in anticipation..

He may show up when I am bowling on the weekend but I already have people there that already know the situation and they assured me that I can go to them if I feel uncomfortable and they can ask him to leave.. so I already covered myself there as well in anticipation...

I know that there will be good and bad days... I went through that when i separated and through the divorce of my ex-husband..
But with POND SCUM we never had children together so by letting him go I do not have to see him anymore like I do with the kid's father.. (but with all do respect the ex-h is their father and now I only look at him as such.. and he is responsible for his own actions )

thanks for your support and guidance once again...

That book that I was reading about How to Break YOur ADDiction to A Person by Howard Halpern, Ph.D was enlightening.. He also gave me some insight about the situation and said that after such a break up there will be a strong feel of liberation afterwards.. And that is truly how I do feel...

I want my mornings to be free of the anxiety that I had felt this morning. I want to continue to concentrate on myself -- for me and my children that depend on me.

It is also a lesson for them because even though they see me as being alone, it is okay for someone to be alone and not in a relationship..

I would rather them see that I am healthy being alone than to be unhappy and have someone --even at arms length..

thanks for reading and posting

love ya,

ON MY WAY-- to healing

November 7, 2006
8:03 pm
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needtoheal
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Day 3--

Only thing that I was thinking about

today was the fact that it takes

two to tango and I no longer

want to dance.....

Ma-- I am feeling strong...

I did, however, think about the past

and the longest amount of time over

the past 4 years that HE went without

contacting ME is 5 days....

I want him out of my head...but I guess

I will have to be prepared, right?

thanks

and you are right-- every day at

NO CONTaCT is a VICTORY

November 7, 2006
8:15 pm
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doubleloss
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how long now need?

yes, NC is good, and having Ma as a couch is amazing

November 7, 2006
8:22 pm
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clownface
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Hey Ma & Need!

I'm back from my trip. It went very well and I'm okay. Interesting enough , we had a very good time. He hemmed hauled around about wanting to work things out. Heck, i'd want to work things out with me too! We'll see how it goes. Hope everyone is doing well. 🙂

November 7, 2006
9:50 pm
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needtoheal
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Hi clownface...

Glad to hear that you are okay from the trip.. We were all thinking about you...

I am doing fine.. Getting stronger and stronger every day..

I made the decision to change my cell phone number,... my ties to the pond scum (as Ma Strong named him.. love it)

It is a day at a time though...

I don't think that HE will contact me but then again the longest time that he has gone without contacting ME is 5 days and so far it has only been 3...

but I am mentally prepared...

Love to you

NEED

November 7, 2006
11:21 pm
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Hi Need~

I'm glad you are mentally prepared. Are you more prepared for the event that he may contact you or the event that he MAY not contact you? I ask this b/c I have traveled down this journey before. I would hit rock bottom IF I didn't hear from him. I think you are to the point though that you will be healthier IF you DON"T hear from him. That's were I admire you! You can and are 'doing' the no contact thing so well. I just never was strong enough to let go.

I will have to tell you that I had a very nice trip. As Ma Strong named your ex "POND SCUM", my ex will be fondly referred to here as "CLUNK HEAD!" (Nickname that my friends came up with b/c he was always clunking on me)

We had a very nice time together. Of course, now is the Prince Charming time, I'm just wondering how long he's gonna stick around.

I'm so glad that you are happy with your decision to change your cell number. It sounds like you are really ready to move on with your life.

How are your boys doing? And the new puppy?

November 8, 2006
8:43 am
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needtoheal
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Clownface---

I am ready in case he does try to contact me... and believe it or not I am prepared if he DOES NOT contact me...
I look at it this way... If he DOES NOT contact me then that is great for me because that is what I WANT.. BUt i do understand what you mean when you say that you were down if he did not contact at all.. I am so done.. I used to feel down when he would not call or he would say like he did last saturday, i will call you later, and then not call... i gave up on that hope and no longer am living my life around HIM....

The boys are good, thanks for asking.. They are doing well.. My youngest is turning 7 on Friday.. THey do not have school tomorrow or Friday for teacher's convention .. I will have time on Friday to celebrate but then they are going with their dad this weekend..

Mandy, the puppy, is doing great.. She is a pistol, though.. I have to keep on top of her.. NOw she is interested in getting anything that she can get her teeth on....

I have been in your position with the Prince CHarming Phase..

I no longer want that opportunity.. I realize that this pond scum will never change.. He did not do it when I handed back the engagement ring after only a few DAYS.. and that was back on Valentine's Day.. so he had not even changed at all since then and that is no longer MY PROBLEM>..

He had managed to humiliate me, brow beat me, put me down, call me nasty names, emotional blackmail me, etc..

I do NOT want to give him the opportunity to HURT me ever again..

I realize that he was projecting his MISERY onto me.. and now I feel like I have escaped the prison walls of his anger, manipulation and control...

Like I said, it takes two to tango..... and I wish not to ever dance with him again...

Day 4--- going strong

love ya

thinking of you

NEED

November 8, 2006
9:05 am
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Need -

You are on Day #4...I would predict that tomorrow & Friday (Days 5 & 6) will be the toughest ones...IF he does not call. I remember feeling very depressed and rejected because my ex stopped trying to contact me. Even though his efforts at contacting me were very accusatory and generally horrible in tone, I knew he was trying to connect with me again...translation: he still wanted me. And in those early days, I was very fragile and welcomed any sign that he still wanted me.

Then, the silence began and it was SOOO hard for me. It was as if it triggered another, deeper wave of grief on my part. That's when I KNEW it was really over (unless I broke No Contact and reached out to him, as I had always done in the past). So, I went through some painful days (and nights). But it passed and I feel so much better today, five months later.

You are definitely doing the right thing and it is going to have a great outcome for you. Keep posting. We are here for you.

Love,

Ma Strong

November 8, 2006
9:15 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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Ma Strong...

Sorry to intrude on your thread here Need, I just needed Ma for a minute. Will you please pray for me? With me? Something? I am so sad, so scared, and so confused. I don't want to live like this anymore. I need some serious help Ma. I can't keep doing this.

Mandy

November 8, 2006
10:22 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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Ma, are you still around? ANYWHERE?

November 9, 2006
8:30 am
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needtoheal
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Good morning Ma

ready on day 5

I had been thinking that I should not even be counting but I think you are right with this suggestion because each day of NO CONTACT is a VICTORY and I would much rather focus on something positive than negative ....

November 9, 2006
12:49 pm
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Mich -

I am here. Talk to me. What's wrong, honey?

Love,

Ma

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