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lying and cheating
September 4, 2000
10:49 pm
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fish27
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I am currently having relationship problems with my boyfriend. I have discovered within the last month that he's been lying to me about a lot of things. Even about his brother getting killed in a car crash recently. He has kept me from his mother and his friends. Although when we first got together his mother was out of town for quite a while. He never really associated with his friends very much since we've been together. Since his mother has been back in town she was sick and has been in the hospital for surgery. This was true, however he was using this as an excuse to get out of the house. He claimed that he, his sister and his uncle were taking turns looking after his mother until she gets well, so lately he'd been going over his mothers about 3 or 4 times every week to take care of her. Well recently I found out that all of this was a lie. He told me his mother didn't even have a phone. That was a lie too. So, of course, all the signs of cheating is there. However, when I finally got a chance to talk to his mother personally she told me that he has had a problem all his life with lying. She said he lies about things he doesn't even have to lie about. And that's true because a few things he lied to me about his lies weren't even necessary he could've just told me the truth. He even lied about being married recently. He was married in May 1999 and was married all of two months maybe. (I was not aware of this marriage, he never told me about it.) Then I met him in August and we got together and started dating in September 1999. I have not seen him for 4 days now since I found out about the lies, however I have talked to him. He has called me several times to apologize and his mother told him how upset and hurt I was. He stated that that was never his intention and admitted that he has a problem and he just doesn't know why he does the things he does. I told him that he needed help and he agreed and he said he's willing to do whatever it takes. He admitted that he hasn't been home because he doesn't know how to face me. I told him to stop running and to be a man and if he gets come help maybe we can work it out. I told him I would be in his corner. He told me I was a good woman and he wants to marry me and he knows that he loves me and he apologized again and again. But he has not come to see me yet. Should I try to help him? I was going to go to his job and make him face me tomorrow, should I? Or is this another case of a truly unfaithful man? Should I just drop him? Part of me wants to stay with him and try to help him, then if that doesn't work we can call it all off. What should I do?

September 4, 2000
11:36 pm
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cd
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I don't want to be harsh but I think you have 2 choices, leave him now or wait until your married with 2 kids then leave him and he'll have all kinds of new reasons to lie, like why he can't pay support this week.

September 5, 2000
12:47 pm
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Molly
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Honey, you need to wash this man right out of your hair. So like when will the trust ever be there again? The games with liars, is like the thrill of stealing, if they can get away with it, it won't stop, and we are to fradgile to live like this, it will make you crazy, and you will make him crazy with your questions of trust. Pack his things up in a box, and leave it on the front porch, change the lock and maybe the phone number. Tell him you need time and don't communicate with him. Get a life, keep busy, go to classes, exercise, but stay far far away. Do you really need this, and the one that always slaps us into reality, if you were a friend or daughter what you you advise. We always know the answers, it is just so hard to follow through.

September 6, 2000
10:52 am
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Cici
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I think your choice depends on whether he takes action to correct his problem. Compulsive lying is a real psychological problem that some people do suffer from. I think it stems mainly from strained parental relationships. Lying becomes a coping mechanism to help you build a reality to your own liking.

Karen Horneye, the first respected female psychological researcher and practitioner, theorized that the source of neurosis comes from an idealized self that we create in our heads. The stronger your neuroses, the more you rely on this idealized image to bolster your self-esteem. When people criticize your ideal or try to remind you of reality, you will react violently and either regress more into the fantasy world or act out violently.

With vigorous behavioral therapy and talk therapy, commpulsive lying can be successfully curbed. Sometimes, though, the problem is a symptom of a greater psychological disorder that may need extensive treatment.

Not everyone is a care-taker. Not everyone can deal with mental problems or physical problems. It's your choice as to whether youthink you can deal with him in the meantime.

September 7, 2000
11:48 am
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fish27
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Thank you all for your advice. All of you make a valid point. Cici, thanks for your logical and unbiased support. You make a lot of sense. I'm still not sure what I'm going to do, but we have chosen to separate for a while. If he comes back with himself together then I still don't know what I'm going to do, but it also depends on how long it takes for him to get it together. Too many men let a good thing pass them by! It's really sad to me. Oh, and I am keeping myself very busy and inaccessible. We'll see if he truly starts feeling the absence of my presence.

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