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Lying about his age, and not admitting it.
October 18, 2006
11:36 am
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MissNhimnotWantN2
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he didnt really care about me...and Im realizing that.....he really didnt care at all......

October 18, 2006
2:06 pm
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MissNhimnotWantN2
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I'm wondering if he was a Love Avoidant.

October 18, 2006
10:00 pm
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Devon
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MissNhimnotWantN2,

It doesn't really matter what he is. He has suddenly removed himself from you...and that hurts YOU. You are the only one right now that matters.

Just remember there was a time when he was not in your life...and you were fine then. You will be fine again. It just hurts.

Take extra good care of YOU.

D

October 20, 2006
5:42 pm
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MissNhimnotWantN2
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It's been almost 3 weeks since he ignored me online. And just a few days over 3 weeks since we talked on the phone. I have not called, nor has he. I realize this is good on my part that I have not called him. But because I made that attempt to communicate online, and did not get a response, only to be shut out, I feel somehow that my 'not callin' doesnt make a difference since I made an attempt with no response....does that make any sense? I am just moody about it today..like everday.....still hurting I guess.....just cant believe that he couldnt just tell the truth....I had thought we established trust......I know this is obvioulsy he issue with lying...but I cant seem to get over feeling like if he really liked me and wanted to be friends he'd tell the truth.....

October 21, 2006
2:59 pm
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Devon
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You assume too many good things about this guy.

Just remember, you have no idea who this man really is because he showed you that you cannot trust what little he has already told you.

My conjecture/analysis of this situation: I bet he is married with children and a gay-wanna-be in the closet but not in real life. Your exposure of his lies made you a real person with which to contend...which made it too much for him. You were a fantasy before that...and fantasies are safely and totally within one's own control. When the imaginary lover starts changing the picture with reality, then it is time to check out for someone like him. He may even be much older or younger than 43! He obviously was not an A student in math...!

You are hurting because your own fantasy has been broken. That fantasy being that he is the man of your dreams. He gave you temperary hope of his being The One and then skinned your heart with his lies and then his abrupt departure. Perhaps you feel expendable and discarded.... Unworthy of love because this "great guy" with whom you have built up in your mind to be so great and wonderful is actually really a flake.

The only sin you are guilty of is overzealous expectation...and, given your youth, this sin is highly forgivable.

Give yourself a big hug and dress to kill and attend an arts event...and meet as many people as you can tonight. Flash that handsome young smile of yours on everyone in your sight...gay or straight and tell everyone around you without using words "here I am! I am wonderul! You want to know me! I am sensitive and loving and a hell of a lot of FUN!" Mr Right will see you...and say to himself..."I want some more of him in my life!" Before you know it, you'll be meeting for coffee at the House of Guys...er um...I mean the House of Pies...for a coffee at 2am....

Now...make haste and hop to it, young man!!!

October 21, 2006
6:46 pm
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taj64
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Hi. If you are going to date online, meet people online, you have to be able to be prepared to accept some rejection. There are simply dishonest people all over the place both in the internet world and also people you meet in person. It really takes time to get to know someone and that involved meeting face to face. I think if you are going to be this disappointed over someone who lies and still after many weeks of not hearing from the person, a person that is clearly not interested, that your feelings are really about something else, something that is within you. Getting hurt over someone you have not met and still hurting after 3 weeks, is in my opinion, is simply a problem with handling rejection. The only person that can reject you is you. Meeting a person and talking on the phone are entiredly two different scenarios. You can be attracted to their personality by conversation but the real test is actually having a relationship with the person in real life. It is quite possible you might not have been attracted to this person once you actually meet. It has happened to me a few times. Be glad he showed his true colors BEFORE you met him.

October 24, 2006
8:23 am
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MissNhimnotWantN2
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I do admit I have a problem with rejection. I realize I could not have truly loved this person without meeting them in person, and the reason I had such a hard time dealing with it is in me. I felt as though if our friendship was important enought he would tell the truth...and he didnt, which because of codependance, I somehow believe I must not be "Worthy enough" of his friendship, which I know is total bullshit....but you know how codependance is........that's how the disease works.

I do wonder though.....in his mind, how does me see me now? I konw it doesnt matter but im interested because he obviously has issues..I I wonder if he's twisted thing around in his head to make me out to be a bad person...

October 24, 2006
11:08 am
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taj64
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I think your relationship was superficial. You feel you loved this person because of what he could do for you. Your feelings of not being worthy of enough for someone who clearly is not even worthy himself of a decent relationship and presents himself other than what he was. Low self esteem is a symptom of codependence but being codependent should not excuse you from moving on from this. You are still taking blame for this person. Why do you do this to yourself? Is this worth the torture of someone you have not even met? I think it might be a good idea to seek counseling because this person told a lie quite a while ago and yet you are still feeling humiliated by this person. This is not your fault he is liar. there is not a darn thing you can do but move on and stop focusing on why he lied, what he thinks of you now as opposed to then. People like this do not give a crap what you think of them that is my feeling on this person. He simply does not care. There is no action on his part. There are no words. Please let go of the hurt so that you can find a person that does care for you and not lie. You are indeed worth it.

October 24, 2006
11:14 am
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taj64
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By the way, I just saw a thread on feeling worthless, go check it out, it might be good for you to vent over there for a bit. Believe me i know what it is like to totally depend on what someone thinks of you even after the relationship is long gone and to have that nasty feeling no worth feeling. I struggled a long time with it, and it is not worth it. Feeling better about yourself and caring what you think about yourself is way better. When you do that, this other person seems very small in your eyes and not on any pedestal.

October 25, 2006
8:19 am
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MissNhimnotWantN2
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taj64-

thanks for all your advice thruought my posts.

I can say I am honestly doing better,
and I AM in counseling. I come to this site to vent mainly and get advice from some of you good people. I never said that I LOVED this person. What I said was, "I know I could NOT HAVE truly LOVED this person....."

When I have some thoughts ...I come here to get it out of my head.....it somehow makes me feel better......

October 26, 2006
5:12 pm
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taj64
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You could have loved this person at that time. Sometimes love does fade and is hard to remember if you really did. I hope I did not downplay your feelings just because you did not meet the person. It was a loss for you either way and that is disappointing in life. We have to accept disappointments as they come in life. Some really hurt our egos and worthiness. I think if you allow yourself some time, you will get past this event in your life. It does make me feel better to vent too and I find if I post on other's threads that I am actually speaking of my own feelings and take on other's advice as well. It really is a two way street here. Giving is good. Sometimes you have to learn to give and not expect anything in return, that way you don't set yourself up for major disappointments. I wish you luck for next time and that the next time around, the guy will treat you better and be honest and supportive of you.

October 26, 2006
10:06 pm
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MissNhimnotWantN2
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Ok, I admit I did feel love for this person...whether it was true love or infatuation.....probably the latter.

Sometimes I still catch myself thinking......that..... that someday he's goin to realize he was wrong and I'll here from him again. But I know I cannot think like this, because in reality I dont think I will.

It's only my positive or wishful thinking that people are good at heart and are capable of realizing their wrongs, and making amends for them.

It past experiences when my heart had been broken by someone who was emotionally unavailable.....I usually heard from them again after a couple months the inital heart break.

But in this instance, since we never met in person, and wont, reality is that I wont hear from them.

I have to accept it. And I am trying.
This site helps me. Reading about codependance helps me. My counselor helps me.

It's a gradual process.

October 27, 2006
12:20 pm
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MissNhimnotWantN2
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why cant I just be happy? I realize this issue of his lying is not the true issue.

my problems are seem so small compared to some.....I shouldnt carry on so...

October 27, 2006
12:37 pm
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taj64
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You CAN be happy. YOu are not allowing yourself to be happy. Focusing on the issue of lying is stopping you from coming to terms with other things that might be going on. You are mostly upset because he did not choose you and that hurts and stinks. Maybe you have some unresolved grief from a past relationship, maybe someone lied and disappointed you before and now you have triggered by this one person that came along. It is something to think about. The good news is now is a time to find other things in life. Try something new.

October 27, 2006
12:53 pm
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MissNhimnotWantN2
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did u read the other post before my last one? do u have any comments to that?

October 27, 2006
1:04 pm
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taj64
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Yes I did read it. It is good to want to think the best of others or wish they could be. But the reality is that people will lie to others. I bet this person does know he lied. He probably lies to others. He knows he lies. But to expect him to come clean to you is unrealistic. It is HIS responsibility, not yours. Expecting them, especially ones that are not available, to return to you because they have in the past is not the way to go though. You have to get to a point where you don't WANT that person to call you or be in touch. My last post was addressing your previous post. Yes it is a gradual process, no matter what your situation is, no matter how small others may view it, it is your pain. This is all temporary. You will move past it. You will learn not to fall into the trap again.

October 27, 2006
1:14 pm
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atalose
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Miss,
from your posts it sounds like you have a history of falling for emotionaly unavailable people.
I would try and learn the red flags with people to avoid this happening again.
You are hurt and it is going to take time. Give yourself that time.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

October 27, 2006
2:23 pm
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MissNhimnotWantN2
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its true. this is the third time I've gotten involved with emotionally unavailable people and have gotten hurt. and all of them had similar characteristics: not out. closeted.

the only good thing this time around is that I have not contacted him because I know it only prolongs healing when contact is made after being hurt. I truly have learned lessons here. I just want to be happy without him.

October 27, 2006
2:27 pm
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atalose
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and you will be happy, it's just going to take some time.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

October 27, 2006
2:36 pm
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MissNhimnotWantN2
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its just so messed up that I thought thi person was so real, great, ggodhearted, but what he showed me was totlly inconsistent with what I thought about him. oh well. that's life I guess.

October 30, 2006
12:53 pm
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MissNhimnotWantN2
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I am really feeling the need to start a totally new thread, without the title about someone who lied to me. I am taking the focus off this person, and on me. I'm sure I may still mention this person, or others that I have had experiences with but the new thread will have the title of:

Taking the focus off them (liars, emotionaly unavailable people), and putting it on ME.

October 31, 2006
9:13 am
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MissNhimnotWantN2
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Ok, so I thought this thread was over, but I have something to say.

This person who lied to me....when we used to talk his number always showed up as "private call". NO ONE ever has called me with a "private call" since then. Once while we were still talking someone called me real late one nite, and I just heard music in the background, and I thought it was him. then they called again a few hours later, and just heard the tv..then they hung up. I asked him the next day if it was him, and he said no, I aint no psycho. Then a couple days later he asked if I ever found out who it was, and I said, no. and he said, "well it wasnt me, unless someone had my phone......" so anyway.....I just had the feeling it was him....maybe that he was just playin around or drunk or whatever.....

Yesterday, when I was getting off work my phone rang with "private call"

I know I cannot be sure if it was him, but he knows when I get off work....and no one EVER calls me with private number, and I just have the feeling it was him. It has been one months since NO CONTACT.....I just kinda feel like it was him. But they didnt leave a message either....which he rarely did. He used to just call, and Id see it was Private Call and I would call back.

Anyway......I didnt answer. Nor did I call back to see if it was him. (why the hell would I do that?)

If it was him, he's going to have to do more than that to get me to talk to him!

October 31, 2006
12:40 pm
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taj64
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At this point why would you want him to do more than to be immature and do hang ups or mark calls private which in my book is being secretive? As long as you have hope for this person, you will be playing this game for long time. You're not going to heal as long as you have continued hope he will contact you. I hope you find strength to not WANT him to contact you. Otherwise exposing yourself to a known liar will keep you trapped for a very long time. Is this what you want? I don't think so. You deserve better and know that you deserve better. You're wasting time by hoping he will call. He is toxic for you.

October 31, 2006
12:43 pm
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taj64
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oops I read my first sentence and did not complete it. What I meant was that why would you want him to do more than you suspect what he is doing lately? He is not the right person for you. You should not want him to do more for you. You should be wanting him to stay away and be strong with it.

October 31, 2006
12:47 pm
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MissNhimnotWantN2
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Thanks TAJ,

I know your right. But hey....gimme some credit! I didnt answer! Granted, I dont know for certain it was him, but I got a strong feeling.

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