Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In
Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
The forums are currently locked and only available for read only access
sp_TopicIcon
Lying about his age, and not admitting it.
October 12, 2006
9:53 am
Avatar
MissNhimnotWantN2
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I have been having a hard time with getting over this "relationship" (if you want to call it that) with a guy I met online. Let me give you the background. I had a profile on an online dating site. (I am gay, btw....) This person contacted me. He introduced himself as 36, 180lb....said he was pretty much in the closet, and he was a few thousand miles away to boot......so I knew this was a deadend. However, we got a long really well.....and I told him that we should just be friends. And we continued to talk for about 3.5 months, everday. I admit I got more emotionally tied to this person that I should have to have not met them in person. I sent him many pictures of me...and he sent a few of him.....and we both agreed we definately wanted to meet at some point. We both had some things goin on during the summer, and vaguely discussed him coming to visit me in the fall. During our time talking I became aware that he may be lying about his age. There where some discrepancies with when he said he gradutated college, and how old he was. (36). So anyway..I found out that he was really 43....and I was just waiting for the right time to bring it up. One nite we were talking and I mentioned when were we goin to meet, and instead of focusing on when/how...it was more about how awkard it might be now....and that he feels like he knows me.....but not sure if we'd really get along in person...yadda yadda.....so obvioulsy that was not goin well...so then I brought up that his numbers did not add up about his age.....he basically said, "dont loose sleep over it..." and "You're making to big a deal over it, "and " I never intentionally lied to you about anything".."and sometime you just forget how old you are...."..and "your gonna believe what you want to..."....so I asked again, "so your 38..." he said, "no, I'm 37....."...so I was speechless that he was still lying. and we havent talked since.....I saw him online once and said, "hey' and he ignored me and signed off....So now I feel hurt and let down that we spent 3.5 months getting to know each other....and he just stops talking to me based on a lie. I sent him the IM on the computer just to let him know I was not so mad at him that I didnt want to talk to him, if he'd just be honest....I feel hurt that our friendship didnt mean more to him than to just tell the truth......and really dissapointed that we never got to meet. I really felt I knew him too.....how I can I let this go...I still miss talking to him......

October 12, 2006
10:05 am
Avatar
taj64
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

It is hard lesson to learn but unfortunately you have learned the lesson about online dating and it is important to meet the person, get to know them as they are in real life. There is no way to judge how a person is when typing is involved or even phone. Everything is misleading. I think if you had met this person in real life, your expectations might have been very different, in fact, you might have been the one to call it off. Friends do not lie to each other. I would look at it as a blessing in disguise that you did not meet, then your heart would be broken for real. You are mourning rejection and not really a love. It hurts to be rejected because it is what we hurt about ourself more than what the hurt represents. You can NOT really know a person over the computer. It is not realistic. Im sorry you are hurting but there is love out there for you. Don't give up hope. And don't put all your eggs in one basket. You now have learned that honesty is an important quality for you. Look for an honest person. Give yourself some time. A few weeks you might feel better. Get out there for yourself. Wait to try online dating again when you feel better.

October 12, 2006
10:14 am
Avatar
MissNhimnotWantN2
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Well, we didnt talk on the computer...we just met that way...our conversations where all on the phone. I even told him that I dint care about his age...that I liked older guys......and tried to get him to just admit it...and he still wouldnt.......I knew that if I sent him a IM on the computer that I would feel hurt if he didnt respond. and I did. I cried all day...and have been an emotional wreck since......I am trying to get past it...but I get angry and sad thinking about how much I liked this person, enjoyed talking to them.....looked forwad to meeting them......and no I feel loss.

October 12, 2006
10:57 am
Avatar
taj64
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Well I met potential people on line. Quite a few seemed like I hit off very well on line and on phone. This has happened many times. But after I spent time with them, I learned I didn't like them as much or there were red flags in person that was not there on phone. People that are too eager, too many issues, too this or too that. You know when you meet them, spend time with them that they are the person for you. And if they are not, then you have to learn to move on a lot quicker. It is a loss, all people you grow onto is a loss but really what is underneath is the loss of what you gave out. And you did not get it returned or returned in a way that you had wanted. Rejection hurts deeply for some. And maybe related to something else, maybe something in your past or childhood. Try reading the codependency book by Melody Beattie. It was eye opener for me in the beginning stages of my breakup with my last breakup. It was very hard for me to read but it pinpointed how I was feeling. I am highly codependnent. I value too much what others can give me and live my life too much through others. I have to love myself before I can love again. And it is a process for that.

October 12, 2006
11:00 am
Avatar
MissNhimnotWantN2
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I already know I am very codependant....and I feel like I'm goin crazy sometimes. Always having to get over something, and do things to not think about it.....

October 15, 2006
3:13 pm
Avatar
MissNhimnotWantN2
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

It's hard to accept that he obviously just wanted the fantasy, and when I brought reality and honesty into the picture...he ran. I ask myself, what the heck was the past 3.5 months all about. I felt such a strong connection with him. And I believe he did as well. I realize he was in no position to be in a relationship, being closeted and all......but i did think we had a friendship. But it could not have been that important to him. All he had to do was say, "ok man...I'm 43....sorry I lied."

October 15, 2006
4:43 pm
Avatar
atalose
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 18
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I think taj said it best, you learned a hard lesson about on line dating. Even if it was on the phone, you never met in those 3.5 months because I don't believe he ever had any intention of meeting you face to face. It's so easy to lie and be un-real over the phone just as it is over the internet. It sounds like you put way more emotions into all this then he ever was going to. I think you had expectations of where this phone relationship was going and that's where our hurt usualy stems from. The things we wanted to happen, we expected or assumed and then they don't and we get hurt. It's like falling for a man's potention instead of falling for who he actualy is.
You have already wasted 3.5 months of your life for a phone relationship, please don't continue to waiste anymore on someone who really wasn't there and doesn't seem to care.
I don't want to sound mean, but it is what it is.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

October 15, 2006
7:57 pm
Avatar
Matteo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 2
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I agree there is a lot of deception online. However, there are lies and lies. He didn't lie to you that he is single while he had wife and kids, and many do, trust me; he lied about his chronological age. Yes it is a lie. Why it was so important to you? You had a chance to get to know him quite a bit, and if I was in his position, I would be upset if my age was an issue. After all his biological age might be very different from the number attached to his birth certificate. That's my subjective opinion, and I lie about my age too. Not always but sometimes I do. Why? Because I don't want to be boxed, categorized and excluded strictly on that basis.

October 15, 2006
11:11 pm
Avatar
MissNhimnotWantN2
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I told him I didnt care about his age! I just wanted him to tell the truth! that is what I'm upset about.

October 16, 2006
8:52 am
Avatar
Devon
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Be careful.... This man may be married...have a wife and kids...and just having some fun with you. You could have been his diversion from what he may perceive to be his droll lifestyle. This means that he never made the emotional investment at all, while you did. This could be why you were so easy to discard for him.

You deserve better than this. Just keep telling yourself this until you believe it.

The right man for you is out there...waiting for you.... And it is not him.

October 16, 2006
9:07 am
Avatar
mamac
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

in a few words,,, if a man will lie about one thing , he will lie about everything. He is just saying what you want to hear, he senses vulnerability and plays on it. Be very aware, and beware!!!!!

October 16, 2006
12:41 pm
Avatar
taj64
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Don't accept lies again. If you catch a lie, then move more quickly that this last time. It soudns as if you put too much emotions into someone you had not met and the lie, grants a lie about age and also you taking it so hard that he would not tell the truth, is something that you must overcome for the next time. Be careful not to put all your emotions into a relationship that is done over the internet and in such a short time. Be glad that if he is a liar, especially if one lie, there are more, lies that you did not know about, that you had not committed even more of your heart to this relationship. Look for real people, real relationships, a person that return love, trustworthy and genuine person altogether. I would take the time to learn why you invested so much of yourself to this person on phone/internet, gave away your heart/emotions rather freely this way. Love does take risks and you do have to put yourself out there in order to feel it, find out, but you also have to learn to pull yourself together quicker so that you can move on faster if the next one doesn't work out either. My grandmother always says you have to go through the weeds to get to the flower and weeding is tedious work.

October 16, 2006
1:22 pm
Avatar
newmoon
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I can really relate. I started an email and phone relationship with a guy online because we live almost two hours from each other and due to his work (teaching/firefighting), arranging a meeting wasn't easy.

We wrote and/or called daily for a month, and I really fell head-over-heals with the guy who wrote those lovely letters! He seemed articulate, intelligent, warm and sensitive.

Then - finally - we met. And suddenly, he turned from romance-guy to all-about-sex-guy! He gave off a completely different vibe in person.

I still don't know how to reconcile the 2 of him! But I finally had to let go of letter guy, because he was a fantasy; an illusion.

Good luck to you!

October 16, 2006
1:37 pm
Avatar
MissNhimnotWantN2
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

this experience has definately made me look closer as to why I allowed myself to fall for this guy. I am realizing how serious my codependance is, and how I really did have emotional truama as a child. It is hard to find the way to start to recover from it. I dont know how to heal my inner child. I did set myself up for this...but it still does not take a way from the fact the he did lie..and he did shut me out as if I was the bad guy.

October 16, 2006
1:44 pm
Avatar
newmoon
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

He shut you out because he is the "bad guy" and doesn't want to face up to it. There may be other lies as well that he doesn't want to reveal.

Be good to yourself. I know I feel like I set myself up, too, believing what I wanted to believe. And it isn't easy to let go of our longing for a dream...

But reality has its merits, too (or so I'm told - ;))

The child inside you deserves your love and attention much more than the lying guy!

October 16, 2006
3:33 pm
Avatar
Devon
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

MissNhimnotWantN2: YOU are not a bad person. You and he just went into this with different values and expectations. He played you...but you were too smart to keep going with the game, though you got your feelings hurt.

We all play the Fool sometimes. It's OK. You are just FINE. Give yourself a hug and move on.

I think what you miss most about this guy is the POSSIBILITY of him fitting your dreams.

He disappointed you. Now, embrace yourself and imagine the possibility of actually meeting someone BETTER.

You are no loser. You know what you want and you are direct and honest.

Losers are not direct or honest about what they need to live...so they don't get what they need...because they twist it all up.

Imagine the possibility of YOU meeting a man who is just adorable and just wants YOU. He is out there. Never stop believing this.

D

October 16, 2006
9:29 pm
Avatar
MissNhimnotWantN2
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

thanks you all so much. You're words do help. I will be glad when I am not sitting here in front of the computer...wondering what he's doing....thinking about calling..but knowing I cant.....havent seen him online in weeks....he must be using a different screenname to avoid me.....and want to stop this sitting here watching to see if he signs on......it's obsessive and I know it..and does me no good.

October 17, 2006
8:40 am
Avatar
MissNhimnotWantN2
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Why do I feel so sad about it this morning? Why is this not gettin better. I feel better when I read responses from you guys.....but after time my emotions overshadow any encouragement I've gotten, so I come back and re-read the posts.

October 17, 2006
11:44 am
Avatar
MissNhimnotWantN2
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I have made a little progress with the obsessive actions, like monitoring if he's online. But I still check when I go home, and when I sign on...I add him to my bud list to see if he's on.....I havent seen him on in 2 weeks...and I feel it's becuaes he wants to avoid me. I keep re-reading these posts to make me feel better...but today i'm having a harder time....

October 17, 2006
11:58 am
Avatar
atalose
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 18
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hang in there, changing old habits die hard and we tend to revert back to what we know. If your emotions are riding high, then do things to move in a more positive direction. Like, delete him completed from your buddy list, take that temptation away from yourself.
Keep posting and keep reading, do what ever is going to make you feel better and avoid those things that you know will make you feel worse.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

October 17, 2006
12:03 pm
Avatar
MissNhimnotWantN2
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I have deleted him but I end up adding him again when I sign on to see if he's there.....I guess I just don't want to believe that he actually weant that far as to use another screennae to avoid me. it makes me feel like what the hell is so wrong with me?

October 17, 2006
12:37 pm
Avatar
taj64
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi. try not to focus on this person. It only makes you feel worse to see his screen name. It makes you think about how he was to you. If you take his name off, you will get used to not seeing him. Having him on your buddy list leaves the door open when you should close it on him. I doubt he is putting as much focus on you or what he did. He moved on. It is time for you to move on and focus on something else, something that will bring joy to your life, not misery. There is nothing wrong with you other that a small part of you still has hope and as long as you keep his name and contact available there is hope. This kind of hope is disaster for the future. Focus on yourself, take it off him and you will see progress. He will fade away a lot faster if you let it.

October 17, 2006
10:49 pm
Avatar
Devon
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

It is natural to feel this with a sudden loss such as what you have experienced. Go easy on yourself. Do get away from the computer for a while. Get your hands on a local newspaper and find an arts or sports event that you enjoy and just go. Get involved with your community...somewhere where other gay men hang out that share the same values that you do. Take a vacation somewhere and heal yourself...cry out loud and let it go. Give yourself a big hug and don't forget the lesson. You can have what you need...you just have to be the kind of person that would attract the kind of person that you want and need. Do you have contact with a community...go there and just have some fun. If you do not, consider taking a short trip somewhere that you will like...and push the re-set button in your head for a while. Leave the computer at home. LOVE yourself. You are such a wonderful person...I can just sense this in you.

October 17, 2006
10:54 pm
Avatar
Devon
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Clarifying this: "You can have what you need...you just have to be the kind of person that would attract the kind of person that you want and need."

I mean that you ARE that person...except you are grieving the loss of the possibility that the other man was this individual that you need. The Universe votes that he is not...and thus he has saved you a longer term hard lesson with his early exit. One way to look at it is to be grateful that he left you when he did instead of dragging your feelings through the muck even more.

October 18, 2006
9:15 am
Avatar
MissNhimnotWantN2
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I realize that, and I realize that it has to be this way..that it could have never worked out for us. I say that I would have liked to have him as a friend because we got along so well. But the fact of the matter is, he could not have been a goood friend. First of all because he is so far away..and he is closeted...and I could never visit him in his town...
But I still am so dissapointed that he could not just tell the truth about his age. Granted- I brought that up AFTER we discussed meeting in person. I asked where we goin to meet soon? and he said, "well, yeh, id like to meet ya...but it'd be kinda awkward now wouldn't it? I said, "well yeh, it might be a little awkward, but I still want to meet if you do." and he continued rambling, saying, "well..I feel like I know you...and I know we get along good on the phone, but I just dont know if it be the same in person..and I think your probably a quality guy..and I KNOW I am...and I'm pretty much a loner and I think you probably are too...and there just aint alot of people i like being around....dont take it personally...I aint got no ill feelings towards you or anything." I said, "well I've thought about if we dont meet are we goin to continure talking on the phone...and if we do meet..will we still talk after that..." and he said, "I've thought about all that too...."

thats when I said, "well another thing..I want to bring up..but dont get mad at me for brining it up...." then I explainied his descrepancies in when he said he graduated college and how old he was. This had been bothering me for a few weeks now, and I said it all real fast to get it out. I was like..."you said when we fisrt startet talking you graduated in 86..then you said 80 something..I said if you graduated in 86 you'd have to be 43..if you gradutated in 89 youd have to be 39..."..and he said, " you dont know when I started college..." and I said, 'well your numbers just dont add up....."...then he started rambling on again...saying..."well dont loose sleep over it...." and I never intentionally lied to you about anything...and your makin to big a deal out of it...and sometimes you just forget how old you are...and your gonna believe what you want to." so then I asked again...."so your 38? he said, "no I'm 37....im not 38 yet...."

he basically admitted lying in a round about way..but still lied when I asked him again....then he changed the subject...and that was the last tiem we talked. 3 weeks today..except for the next sunday when he ignored me online and signed off. Im just mad that I can be so easily discarded. and I dont understand why he mess things up by lying...he knew I didnt care how old he was....I told him I liked older guys......I know I have been writing about this for a while now...but it still bothers me...and I appreciate all the support and words from you guys. it really does help.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
27
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 111148
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38716
Posts: 714574
Newest Members:
gegeger, mamahanisha, joachimfreunde, Deressamble, Neakey, ronaldcarter
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2021 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information