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low self esteem
October 13, 2002
4:41 pm
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jimsmum
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Ive always had a problem making myself believe I am a nice/clever/good person (since before I was a teenager) and now I am in my mid twenties, am married with one child and have a full time job. I have struggled with depression and self doubts but just recently I am really having a lot of problems, but I just cant face telling my doctor about them (cant tell anyone how I feel without breaking up). My son has been having problems for at least 18mths (behaviourial) and has not been diagnosed with anything specific (still undergoing tests). We both work full time and I feel that this has had a negative influence on my son. When I come from work I feel mentally drained and do not always play with my son and pay him enough attention in my opinion. My job is quite stressful and as I work in a male dominated environment I feel I cant make any requests for time off/ 'priveliges' as it wouldnt be right. I rely on my mum for many things and although she is very good and nice she is quite old and has health problems herself so I shouldnt be relying on her so much. At home I feel I am a badmother and a bad wife as I spend so much time feeling bad and miserable. My hubby thinks I need help but I dare not ask for it asI feel like a bad person and am scared that they will take my son away or that they will think I am crazy. I feel like I am never good enough at home,at work or as a mum. I tend to do most things to please others or to try to make them happy but its not working all the time as I am starting to resent not doing things for myself. What I would really like is to spend more time with my son. I want my son to feel that his mummy cares ( which I do,very much) and to not be snappy and miserable but I cant afford to give up work yet as I am the main wage earner and we cannot afford to live on one wage. My hubby has applied for a better job but it will be at least 4 - 6 months before he knows if he has it. How can I cope in the meantime??? Thanks for your advice and comments

October 13, 2002
6:34 pm
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gypsygirl
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Low self esteem is more common than you might think. If you can bring yourself to talk to your Dr. about it maybe he can refer you to a good therapist. Therapy does wonders for some pople. It might just be that you took on too much and need a break.

October 13, 2002
9:48 pm
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Squeezles
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What about 'post-natal' depression? I know it has been a while since your son was born, but it may be possible that you are still suffering from it. I don't think that you are a bad mother - You seem too concerned about your son's health and welfare to be worthy of such a negative label. I sincerely doubt (and would in fact be horrified) if anyone thought that being depressed was worthy of you having your child taken away! No way! Worthy of having your child taken away from you are offences such as physical abuse, sexual abuse or plain neglect ie malnutrition. Your post doesn't suggest he is suffering from any of those.

Everyone falls in a heap occassionally. That's not bad. It's only bad if you recognise there is a problem but you do nothing about it. There are resources available. Look in a phone book for a crisis telephone counselling helpline - they may be able to help with your immediate problem and often they have resources for 'self-esteem' courses, depression, post natal depression specifically etc. Ask them or have a flick through the phone book for any 'depression' organisations that might be able to send you information or could arrange an appointment with a counsellor for you (That is of course if you are truly uncomfortable with discussing your feelings with your GP face to face).

How is your husband? Is he supportive? Does he help with the baby? The housework etc? Do you feel that you have to do it all? Maybe if you arranged it so that all the pressure wasn't on you to be a 'good mum' he could start focusing on also being a 'good dad'. Perhaps you could designate say Monday, Wednesday and Friday will be 'Dad's turn to immediately take care of your son after work' while you cook dinner or have a shower or ring one of your friends for a chat, while Tuesday and Thursday will be Dad's turn to cook or have some time off while you spend time with your son (or whatever fits in best with your schedule). That way your son gets plenty of attention, but you also get a 'breather' when you get home straight after work. What about his parents? Can they help out?

Maybe you could talk to your boss or find out from the Human Resource department in your company about what 'rights' you are entitled to as a mother. I'm pretty sure that employers can't discriminate against mothers who need to take time off occassionally for child-related purposes. Certainly when fathers do the same they seem to be treated as heros for taking an interest in their kids. Don't view it as being about being 'unable to cope with a job and being a mother' it's about getting what usually you are legally entitled to.

Speak up. Look around for some help. There's nothing to be ashamed of.

October 14, 2002
7:18 am
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Tinkerbe11
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Oh my god.I just walked in,and I read this.I feel for you.Although I do not have so much weight on my shoulders like you,I had a problem.I am cutting myself a lot.I needed to see the doctor to get the help I need,but like you, was scared that he would lock me up, think i'm crazy etc etc.I plucked up enough courage to go.I just got back, and was one of the best things I could have done. Go on. It will help you.If you don't feel strong enough to tell him everything,just outline the problems.He/she WILL NOT think you are a bad mother.It is understandable for you to feel like that.Gosh, that is a lot to handle.Oh, and about the male colleaugues......stick 2 fingers up at them if they cause you problems with asking for time off.You are entitled to it, just go for it.

Get the help you deserve.All the best,Tink

October 14, 2002
8:45 am
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beenthruthat
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Hi.

It does sound like you're depressed. If you felt strong enough to post this thread, then you should discuss this with your doctor. Some of the newer drugs for depression work so well!

This could get you over the hump. And, you could also be burning the candle at both ends. Or, as previously mentioned, your hormones may still be out of whack. It took me almost 3 years to get everything back to pre-baby status.

Good suggestions all the way around here. It would be worse if you don't say anything, because you will continue to not give those around you appropriate attention. Not to mention you will short change yourself.

I am also in a very male dominated industry (in the US). My daughter had asthma and I had to take Family Medical Leave to protect my employment status due to having to take days off (without notice) to treat her asthma. The FMLA has helped me tremendously. I don't have anyone else to care for my daughter when she is ill. You are very lucky to have your mother!

Go tell your doctor about what is happening to you. And cry if you must to get it out.

October 14, 2002
3:50 pm
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jimsmum
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Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply. I appreciate it, as I know that everyone has their own issues to deal with as well, some of them much more serious than mine. Am trying to pluck up courage to phone the doctor and make an appointment. Think about it all the time but havent quite got there yet. Had some positive news today in that I am meeting with an ealry years special needs teacher at my sons school in a couple of weeks and arranging what help he will need in school - am happy about this as he really enjoys going to school and benefits from it a lot - was just worried that he would be expelled before long! My hubby is quite supportive of me, but doesnt really understand the emotional side (hes not as open as me but he has had a totally different upbringing. His mum and stepdad live quite far away and we do not see them very often. We have quite a large family locally but they all have their own lives, but they do help out if I need it. I dont ask as I feel that we ought to be looking after him as we are his parents and its our responsibility.
I wish all of you the best and will continue to read the postings in this forum (and maybe contribute if I feel that I have something positive to contribute) Someone once told me that you only have one life and you should try and ensure that you enjoy it. I try and keep that in mind. Take care all.

October 14, 2002
4:13 pm
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Ladeska
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I've heard alot of people rave about Wellbutrin helping them. Might ask your doctor about it.

October 16, 2002
4:11 pm
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jimsmum
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Just to keep you informed. Yesterday I plucked up courage to phone my doctor and book an appointment (i thought that I have to do it for my son so that I dont drive him mad). Anyway it wasnt much help -she didnt listen to me and gave me the std 2 mins, wrote me a prescripton and ushered me out. Have decided that I must help myself and try to keep a rein on my bad moods and depression. Thanks again for your advice.

October 16, 2002
5:02 pm
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claudiadavies
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Hi I am a single mom with a 6 year old daughter, my daughter and I live on our own, I work in a professional environment, my goal is to be like a best friend to my child..I tell her how much I love her everyday, like you, I do not feel to energetic in the evenings and I deal with the guilt of not feeling like going going to the park and swimming and stuff and I do not have a husband to deal with but I have to make sure she gets to school on time, gets everything she needs in her little life and make sure that I am still at the office when I need to be and not taking my home problems to the office, you should just ask your doctor about taking Paxil, I have taken it before and it really does help get you over something...Things will work out and I am sure your husband and child know you love them...Take care.

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