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lovinglife, answer to your question from rising
May 24, 2007
8:42 am
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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LL -

thank you for de-lurking and posting to me...it's nice to see you.

what has changed?

I have a career that I adore. The stress of having a job I didn't enjoy was a huge part of my problem...cuz it left me looking to fill a void in other ways...like with men.

So, my career keeps me happy and fufilled.

My finances are better - again, taking away a stress that had me looking at others to relieve.

Men - I don't need chaos and drama...I broke that addiction. Safe and boring feels good now.

My relationship with 26 is pretty stable (NOW)...but as many would point out, it's early in the game and he may just be putting on a good act. Personally, I don't think it's the case...only time will tell.

Trust - I have learned to trust - trust myself, trust others.

Patience - I have learned that "my agenda" is not everyone else's agenda...that I can't have everything I want NOW NOW NOW.

Childhood wounds - being away from my toxic father has helped ENOURMOUSLY...my wounds are healing...I don't have to deal with the abuse...my taste for the chaos and drama has been eliminated, and I think in part because my dad is not here to feed that craving. In fact, when I go to Florida to get my daughter in summer break, I actually asked my mom to have dad take a mini vacation north to see his friends...she didn't take me seriously...but knowing the potential for conflict (he's not happy about baby)...I think she may give it some thought.

I pay attention to my gut now. I know that when the radar goes off, it's for a good reason. But I also don't obsess over what it means.

Back in March/April...26 started acting weird. I suspected something was up, had some theories but really just let it go...and the truth DID come out...and it wasn't what I suspected. But I didn't get so caught up in it that I lost myself in the process.

I still have a ways to go...we are still working on building trust...we are still working on building our commitment and future.

But in the end, I learned to back off and let him do what he needs to do...I can't be his mom, his keeper or his guide...he has to learn from his own mistakes and decisions.

Right now he wants to quit smoking...I support him...but know that it's hard. He has tried and failed a billion times so far.

I helped him get info on the quit assist (his request)...but let it go from there...it is sitting in the car untouched...he still smokes.

In the past, I would have nagged - you said you wanted to quit, why you still smoking? I would have counted cigarettes, I would have grilled him to find out what he is doing to try and quit...the list goes on.

It's not mine...hands off.

Also - I have learned to ask for what I need. I realize that he is not a mind reader...so when I need something, I ask...it's easier that way...and good chance I get what i need, without all the fuss.

I have learned to take care of me...if I have to sit down and rest, I do (even before baby)...if I want to skip doing dishes...I don't beat myself up with "shoulda done them tonight"...I get to it when I get to it.

I also did a very NON codep. thing last nite...my daughter waited until the last minute to complete an assigment, which required a trip to the grocery store. I had a ton of stuff I needed to do and this last minute trip would have thrown everything off...cuz the nearest grocery is a 35 minute drive. She has plenty of notice and we were in the grocery all day on sunday. She simply FORGOT.

So, I told her she would have to tell the teacher she is unprepared. I was not going to fix it..not going to give her a bogus excuse note...same with her concert she missed...she simply "forgot"...tho she practiced for it earlier that day.

I won't give her a note saying she was sick or there was a family emergency...she faces the consequences for not paying attention.

She's not happy...cuz in the past, I would have lied for her...but the reality is, she is "forgetting" an awful lot these days and I can't keep bailing her out.

Her grades WILL be affected, and that hurts, cuz of course, I want her on honor roll...but, she has to earn it...I can't cover for her.

So yeah, I have come a little distance since moving here.

May 24, 2007
9:00 am
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risingfromtheashes
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one other thing that has changed....someone said "when he's up, you are up, when he's down, you are down".

And that's not entirely true.

His depression HAS lifted...so that's a good thing. And when you are living with someone that is uptight and depressed ALL the time, it's hard NOT to have it bring you down. It's hard to stay "up" when your loved one is always down.

However...the depression and negativity have lifted...but there are still moments of him being grouchy, irritable and unhappy.

And when that happens, I ask what's wrong, listen...and let it go.

We work together...he has complaints about things...I listen...and only give advice carefully...and that is rarely. I could EASILY try to get involved and be a go between and try adn fix it (cuz the guy he complains about is a pain in the ass and should be fired)...but I bite my tongue.

I just listen...I don't let his grumpiness get me down...I don't try to fix it...I listen, then do my own thing...and let him find his way out of it.

Usually once it's off his chest, he feels better and his mood improves.

Working together is hard...cuz I have to be management and keep my relationship separate...but it's teaching me alot too.

May 24, 2007
12:27 pm
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lovinglife
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Rising~ Thanks for your response to my questions. ALOT has changed for you - here's to your continued path towards your dreams and growth!!

A few comments...

26: I personally think it's wonderful that he is excited about the baby (thinking about what you stated from others statements about that it may just be an act). IMO...The fact of the matter is- 26 IS showing excitement regardless, as you could be dealing with someone who got pissed, someone who didn't want a thing to do with having a baby, someone who ran, etc. Today life could be having a different tone to it.

Childhood wounds: I can relate to what you are saying about being away from a toxic relationship and how much it helps a person to be able to grow, to help a person’s mind calm down and become clearer in thinking. Its truly amazing the connection there.

I'm happy for you Rising. I am pulling for you that what you dream of regarding building a life together with 26 becomes all that and then some. Somehow I see that it will be happening for you: You knew from day 1 that something was different with 26, also something pulled you strongly toward the area you have been starting a new life in... I also remember reading your post about the peaceful feeling - or feeling your HP during the time leading up to your move...huh. The picture doesn't always need to be perfect for it to be 'whats right' for us.

Good luck...say when is the cyber baby shower?!! Just thinking of a few AAC baby's that have been born during my journey here ...RW's ‘Isaiah’ and Michy's ‘Austin’- and soon to be Rising’s ‘????!!’

May 24, 2007
1:31 pm
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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dunno...we are leaning towards sarah for a girl...but need a middle name...I keep coming up with Sarah Jane. It's his grandma's name and my great grandma was Sadie, which is a variant of Sarah.

I like Jacob for a boy, but he hasn't given me input...we talked about using our dad's names (which is also my bro's name)...not really to honor my dad...but I like the name.

Yeah, things HAVE changed...I still have that peaceful feeling up here. I go to church when I am up to it...I have a new family growing here...I have friends...and my career is doing well.

I think it was the right decision and like everything in my life, it was a snap decision and one I don't regret...I KNEW in my gut it was right.

And I feel the same about the baby.

Tonight is laundry night...UGH...but we also play pool/billiards while we are there (redneck thing I guess)...and it's nice...cuz 26 joins me, where before he would make me do laundry alone...it's like our date night...might night be much of a date for some...but it's fun for us.

We are heading to CT for the weekend, for picnic with my friends...looking forward to that...26 will be joining us and it's the first time he will be in CT for a social event. We will also be going to the drive in to see Pirates 3 and Wild hogs...it's going to be fun.

Sometimes you just KNOW you are doing the right thing.

If asked the difference between then and now...I am SURE that I am making the right decisions right now...in the past, with the exes...I really did talk myself into believing it was the right thing. I remember talking to friends, and people here...and explaining explaining explaining why I think I am doing the right thing...trying to justify it.

And honestly, I don't feel I have to justify it now.

Yeah, I justified myself when confronted...but not while making the decision or after making it...only when asked.

So, it wasn't me needing convincing.

Anyway...I feel good...and alot has changed.

I SERIOUSLY think alot has to do with me finally breaking away from my dad and all the toxic relationships I left behind in CT. Sometimes you just need a clean start.

I really don't want to see my dad and hoping my higher power does something to make him "not home" when I am due down there...I really just want to see my mom and grandma. My dad already stated how he felt about the baby....so I know that it's just going to be four days of hell and arguments about how I am hurting my daughter and fucking up...I don't want to deal with it.

If nothing else, I will arrange for another way to get my daughter home and not go....maybe I can pay for my mom to fly her up here, take a mini vacation up here...to see me.

Dunno...cross that bridge in August.

Getting away from the drama and chaos helped...healing childhood wounds helped. Getting a life I can be proud of went a long way.

it's all good!

May 24, 2007
1:55 pm
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taj64
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You don't need to feel like you are explaining. It is up to you to decide and feel what is right for you. ALso my comment to you about feeling happy when he is ahppy was just a observation about your high moods when things are right in a relationship. It had only been a very short time since well he had cheated on you. I was not trying to make you feel bad, just making an observation. That is all. It is exciting time for you and now is the time to just sit back and enjoy it. YOu deserve it after your trials and tribulations. I have enjoyed hearing your story. And it has worked out better than you thought it would. Congratuations on these joys. Take care rising.

May 24, 2007
6:40 pm
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courage to change
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Rising.

You sound amazing. You looked at every aspect of your relationship.

You sound like a gutsy lady. Enjoy and have fun. xx

May 24, 2007
7:00 pm
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ggfred4
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Rising, I was so proud of you when I read your post. Your self-confidence bellows from your words.

Congratulations and I have to say that I just love the name Sadie! Sorry, just had to put my input even though it wasn't asked; that is how much I liked that name.

Take care of you and your precious one.....gg

May 25, 2007
8:22 am
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risingfromtheashes
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gg - I LOVE sadie...but he doesn't.

So, we'll see.

May 25, 2007
8:26 am
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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taj, don't worry...you hit a nerve...but that is a good thing in my mind, cuz it makes me examine what's left to fix.

I "explain alot"...a defense mechanism...but also my way of talking myself into dealing with a situation that my gut says to get out of.

But as I said, lately that hasn't been the issue.

I am glad you guys brought up the timeline...it is important. Tho, I have to say, it FEELS like longer...It seems like a distant memory. When my ex cheated on me...that memory was ALWAYS at the front of my mind...ALWAYS coming back to haunt me. It's different this time.

I know I have learned to put mistakes behind me...but also that he is a different sort of guy than my ex. So I have more trust in him.

IE - may sound stupid...but went to CT a few weeks ago...he offered to let me use his cell...I asked if I should take any calls he gets...he asked "why wouldn't you?"....my question stemmed from ex who wouldn't want me to answer his calls, let alone use his phone at all.

So, that showed me that he has no secrets...cuz if he was still doing something wrong, he never would have offered. My ex used to keep a password on his phone, even when it was sitting around the house...same with computer...mail, etc.

So, his actions have shown me that he is for real.

Anyway, we all need a reality check...they are good for you.

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