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Loving the addict not the addiction
January 23, 2009
12:15 pm
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SugarPie
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Let me start off by telling you a little bit about me. I am 27 years old and have been married almost 4 years now. We a 2 year old son. I work fulltime and dont make a lot of money.

My husband is an addict. He has recently went through detox for herion,coke, and opids. It has only been 23 days and he has relapsed and I am so tired. I love the man I married and the drugs have taken him away. He had been clean for 21 days and 2 days ago he relapsed and used. I am at a lose for what I should do next. He told me he was going to go try to see a counsler today but can you believe an addict. I need some advice.

I am so lost. The first 21 days were so nice. I saw the man I married and we were a family. We did things together and my son was in hog heaven. My son adores his dad and I love him so much. I just some words of wisdom.

January 23, 2009
12:40 pm
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_anonymous
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With addicts the relapse rate is huge. They will not quit doing drugs until they decide they dont want to do them any more and if a person is serious they dont need rehab or anyone forcing them into it.

Part of dealing with an addict is the roller coaster life style. Heaven one minute, toxic hell the next.

With addicts you dont trust what they say only what they don.

Sorry but someone who is relapsing is not someone that is showing you he wants to quit. Addicts are extremly manipulative and will tell you all the words you want to hear and will even go so far as making the appearance they will get counceling, etc. They are famous for making promises they dont intend to keep.

You cannot have a relationship with any one who is in active addiction much less live in one.

You also run the risk of getting arrested or having your kids taken from you for having an addict live in your house with their drugs and being under the influence around your kids even if they are a parent.

You are in the land of decisions. Do you stay and enable your husband to be comfortable in his addictions and place you and your sons life in jeopardy or do you leave and put your life back in order and allow your husband to decide if he wants drugs or a family. Right now you are giving him both and he has no motivation to change. The odds are not in your favor on this one. On a good day an addict only has a 20% chance of recovery.

January 23, 2009
1:06 pm
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CAMER
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hi Sugar, yes, Destiny knows what she is talking about.

I can agree, i have been with alcoholics, gamblers, drug addicts, and none of them ever cleaned up their act, they tried, but always went back to thier addiction.

Maybe now is the time to go to some Nar Anon meetings for yourself, to get some more insight.

I wish you the best.

((((camer)))

January 23, 2009
1:24 pm
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Zebra
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Hi Sugar,

Destinystar is so right and she knows it all first hand as well as some of the others. I too was married to an addict of cocain, meth, alochol ect. for 10 years and went through countless rehabs and counseling and meetings and he ALWAYS relasped within the first 30 days. He is still in active addiction and WE are no longer married. I had to walk away for me and my kids sake.

It was the hardest thing to do but now I am in couseling, recovery and moving forward and my life is peaceful and I am becoming stronger every day.

You need to make serious decisions and soon. Best of luck and we are here to support you..

Z

January 23, 2009
1:35 pm
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bblue
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Glad you started the thread

sugarp - just remember you are not responsible for the addiction - it is all his demon and his to deal with.

I am new at this and just accepted that re my spouses "demon" - you have to take care of you and your son.

Alot of these girls and guys have gone thru it all and have alot of good advice and info to share

But I know (I haven't left yet either) - its hard to accept that even though you love them you can't help them...

Take care

BBlue

January 23, 2009
2:08 pm
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SugarPie
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I really appreciate all the fast responses. I understand that it is his demons and not mine. My addiction is him. I established that right after x-mas when he went into detox. That is why I orginially left the house. I moved back in after a week when he returned home from detox. I needed the time for me and my parents were there is help me. I think what is eating me so hard is the fact that the past 21 days had been good for him. He rejected the riff-raff that had brought about the subject and had been working (the first time really in over a year), and he was happy. He would sit and talk about how he couldnt believe what he had done and was serious (atleast so I thought) about wanting to say sober. Then last night it all hit the fan. This morning is when he came to me and told me about it. I am so confused. It just hurts to think that something is more powerful then the love of your significant other.

January 23, 2009
2:29 pm
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Zebra
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oh sugarpie. I know that feeling all to well of loving someone so much and want so much for them to stop and they don't or won't.

Honey I send you this big fat HUG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (((Sugar)))

Z

January 23, 2009
2:41 pm
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fantas
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I'm sharing this information that I fing so sobering... Are you attending naranon?

atalose
25-Apr-08

What Addicts/alcoholic Do
I have posted this before but see a lot of new people here dealing with a loved ones addiction to drugs and or alcohol. This was a response from an addict/alcoholic to the many questions of "why" when asked by those who love them.

What Addicts Do

My name's ----. I'm an addict/alcoholic. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decision to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decision, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

January 23, 2009
2:49 pm
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atalose
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((fantas))

I was just getting ready to post this very truthful letter.

Thanks for remembering it and sharing it.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

January 23, 2009
3:06 pm
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fantas
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(((Atalose))), You are welcome! This is just a gem. It says it all very directly and simply.

January 23, 2009
4:07 pm
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Zebra
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Wow I had no idea that saying has been around. I have heard it only once before.

It is true and hits home. Z

January 23, 2009
11:12 pm
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_anonymous
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((fantas))
((Zebra))
((Camer))

January 23, 2009
11:29 pm
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_anonymous
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Sugar Pie- I can understand the shock you are in. But when you work through the shock and denial you will learn to accept the fact that he is an addict.

Addicts do drugs because they want to do drugs, it makes them feel good. If their is one thing about a human being and that is you cant make them do anything they dont want to do.

He came and told you that he does drugs. And he did it cause he expects you to accept what he considers a minor flaw in his character.

With addicts drugs are their whole life, it is a priority. Love doesnt even come into the picture. So put away that trump card for someone who doesnt have their brain soaked in drugs that could actually understand what that word means.

If he is back in action in active addiction dont waste your time talking to him about anything. There is no point. His thinking is clouded and irrational. All he cares about is where his next high is coming from.

The fact is you are in an impossible situation. Nothing you say or do will have any effect on this man.

The only thing I have EVER heard of that might work as in a 20% chance is if their partner abandonds them completely and totally and lets them hit rock bottom.

You need to detach from him. Please dont be hurt and confused. Telling this man not to do drugs makes about as much sense as telling a baby not to poop in its diaper. This is what addicts do....DRUGS. He doesnt do it because of you. He does it cause thats what he wants to do. He isnt trying to deliberatly hurt you. But he is destroying him self. And believe me this is going to have nothing but a negative effect on your life not to mention your beautiful young sons life.

If you stay with him then well be here for you to offer you support. Please take some of these responces to your thread as signs that are trying to point you in the right direction.

January 24, 2009
12:21 pm
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SugarPie
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Today is a bad day. Everything guys say I know in my heart. I just love him somuch. I am lost. I am not sure what to think or do right now. He has relapsed and all I care about is my son haveing a father. He loves his daddy so much. I can get over the pain of heartache but my 2yo dosent deserve it.

January 24, 2009
12:55 pm
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fantas
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((((Sugarpie))), I know this is hard. An addict of any sort isn't a good father in any way, shape, or form. These boards are filled with people whose parents were addicts and caused them a lot of grief. Unfortunately, your son is experiencing his first heart break at such a young age, courtesy of his father, but you cannot protect him from this. All you can do is teach him how to keep loving his father from a healthy distance. You can explain to him that daddy is very sick and needs medicine, but because he is big, you cannot make him go to the hospital. This is all you can do. Your husband will have to make his amends to his son, when he finally sobers up. It's between the two of them.

By continuing to expose your son to this emotionally unavailable, self-centered, and sick individual, you are teaching your son to tolerate hurt and pain on the off chance that he might receive a little love. This is the example you are showing him by continuing to tolerate an addict in your life. It's okay to love anyone and everyone, but honoring our own worth and dignity, is much more important. Drawing healthy boundaries and demanding that people in our lives honor their commitments to us is the foundation of love. Anything short of that is martyrdom and ends in resentments.

If you are in pain over your husband, your son is in more pain. Perhaps his intense love for his father is an attempt to make everything all better for daddy so daddy can stay around and not hurt his mommy anymore. Children have a way of making everything about them. He must sense that all is not well in the house. All kinds of things may be happening to his emotional and psychological psyche at this point. So while you struggle to let go of your attachment to your husband, be careful not to teach your child the same loving habits as yours.

I hope this is not too tough sounding or critical. This wasn't my intention if it comes off this way.

Keep posting

January 25, 2009
1:23 am
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_anonymous
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sugar Pie- You cannot even think about re- building a relationship with this man or having him in your sons life until HE IS CLEAN AND SOBER AND STAYS THAT WAY.

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