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loving someone as a friend or more???
October 13, 2006
2:15 am
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stardj0
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i have been hanging out with a really good friend of mine for the last few months and he has a significant other..my problem is that he tells me everything about them when they fight etc.. i know his other half..but not as long as i have known him.. i just wonder where that FINE LINE is that..separates loving someone as a friend..and being IN LOVE with that person.. i am haveing a hard time trying to deal with these feelings... im trying to be the best friend for him that i can..but yet i am finding my self more and more attracted to him as we hang out with each other.. i dont want to act out on these feelings because i DONT want to lose the wonderful friendship that we already have and besides he is seeing someone and i dont want to come in between them i like them both..but god it is so hard for me..i am praying that my higher power will help me on this one....any suggestions???? he told me he loves talking with me and that i am one of the best friends anyone could ever have..

October 13, 2006
3:17 am
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doubleloss
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hi stardj0. mmh.

a friend is a friend, if he's attached remove yourself from the temptation. i've been there a couple of times. I managed to keep the friendships, but i had to back off for a while until my feelings got sorted out. the closeness is so nice, but it can be confusing. I hate (OK, hate is a strong word) cheaters, I don't want to be one, ever. And I belive in karma, what goes around comes around. Imagine if he was YOUR special someone, with a "special" friend. Let's all walk in the shoes of the girfriends, wives, lovers, we've all been one, don't forget.

Having said that, if it's only you that has those feelings, it will be very ackward to say anything, specially because you say you like them both. And if he has feelings for you, and you are meant to be together it will happen, trust your higher power on that one.

It is hard though, and it's also normal, it is very nice to feel and be close to someone, to feel needed, appreciated, etc. Maybe it's just an innocent crush, a platonic thing.

I had a friend like that for years, and years. I am so glad we never crossed the line (we kissed once), years later we are still friends. He's happily married, but I know it was just a crush, platonic and really, we would have never worked out as a couple, and hey, we still talk a lot!

anyway, there is a song for this dilemma, Carolyn Dawn Johnson, "so complicated" are you familiar with it?

October 13, 2006
6:19 am
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revelation
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Hi Star,

I think your friend is being terribly unfair to both of you. He is crossing bounderies for both of you. He's telling you private details about his relationship with his partner? Can you see if you were in her shoes how terribly unfair that is? Even if she's a complete b*tch, its still not fair to tell you EVERYTHING! Sure, if you are a friend, then tell you how he's feeling, but not all the details!

And as for you...its not fair of him to dump all of this on you...and I can sense a dangerous situation here...because, he's confiding in you...obviously looking for advice, but any advice you give would be tainted because of your feelings for him.

In a way, neither of you are being fair to this other woman, there is a lot of secrecy and dishonesty going on here which she is obviously not aware of, and thats terribly cruel and unkind. I'm not sure who is going to get hurt here...but somebody is eventually.

My advice to you would be to distance yourself from this man so that you can figure out what your feelings are for him, you cannot possibly figure this out for sure if you are constantly in contact...he may just be sweeping you up in the drama, and it could be that drama which you are confusing with real feelings.

So step away, take some time for yourself, let this man sort out his issues with his other half (Perhaps if he doesn't have you to communicate with, he'll actually do what he should have done in the first place and communicate with his partner!). If you find that the feelings you have for him are real....well, thats another issue isn't it? Thats tricky, he's involved with someone else...he's emotionally unavailable to you...not sure what the right thing to do would be.

Rev.

October 13, 2006
6:40 am
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taj64
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Hi. If it becomes too hard on you with your feelings for your friend, then I would put a distance there, for all the reasons you mentioned. He should be communicating his feelings about his relationship to his girlfriend and not you. This is reason many men go out and cheat because they cannot communicate with their partner so they seek a good listener and usually ends up being a woman. It is awfully hard to be close friends with a man, because the line can be crossed and attractions sometimes develop by either person. If you are already starting to have strong feelings, it is best to keep distance so to protect yourself and your heart. You don't want to end up in a place with a broken heart. Maybe you could start dating yourself. Could help distract you away from developing feelings for someone who is taken and find someone who can communicate with you and is available.

October 13, 2006
10:09 am
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talibia
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i feelfeel you i love someone more than being a friend also

October 13, 2006
11:56 am
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prosperine06
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There is the high likelihood that he is using the friendship to emotionally cheat on his girlfriend. If his problems with his own girlfriend were that horrible, he could always break up with her. Instead, he relies on your sympathy since he knows you will always listen and be there for him.

I believe my boyfriend does this same thing with his exs and female friends that he had thought about dating in the past. Every time I do not behave in the way my bf wants me to, he is on the IM or the phone with some friend (usually a single ex since his male friends are all married and he doesn't seem to have any married female friends who talk to him unless they need something.)

October 13, 2006
2:27 pm
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stardj0
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hey doubleloss i listened to that song it is a very good song and i kind of feel like that in some ways..i failed to mentiont that im gay and it is two guys..but im sure the same thing applies to a gay relationship as well as a straight one..and i thank you all for your advise and i will use a lot of it..i have tried dateling myself..but if i am looking i never seem to find..so i dont look.. you never know, maybe that one person will walk into my life.. i do a lot of praying to my high power.. i attend two N/A meetings a week and two alaon meetings a week also they sure do help me spiritually....thank you all...keep in touch.. i will also..

October 13, 2006
2:54 pm
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doubleloss
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hi stardj0. i like that song too. i have many gay friends and from what i know, relationship messes are the same gay or straight. broken hearts ache the same and love feels the same. so, take care, OK?

October 13, 2006
6:31 pm
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shyshy
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My ex bf had a good friend like that that he used to like to talk to and I had a really hard time with it. Such a hard time with it that I told him he had to cut all ties with her if he wanted to be with me.

I agree with Revelation. He's not being fair to either one of you and he needs to express all these feeling to her, not you.

October 13, 2006
8:09 pm
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Rasputin
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Star -

I understand what you're talking about and it happened with me several times, crushes, love, passion right on the spot. I believe that temptations are all around us everywhere and the best thing you can do to protect yourself is to set boundaries by stopping yourself from hanging out with your male friend/male buddy.

No matter how strong your character is, we are ALL vulnerable and as they say "Satan is clever." So, beware of the fire and do Not let it scold you by staying away from it.

My best to you sweetie, Ras~

October 14, 2006
1:35 am
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stardj0
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thanks for all the suggestions.. i have decided that when i hang out with him it will be when he is with his bf.. we hung out tonight( he his bf and i) and had a great time.. i just have to realize that he is with someone he loves i could see it in both of their eyes and i would never do anything to get in between them and ruin what they have going for them..i surely wouldnt want it done to me...but it is so nice to have friends like you guys in here that i can talk to and to help me see some situations that i wasnt seeing..thanks again.. huggz to all..

October 14, 2006
4:12 am
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doubleloss
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stardjO, you sound like a cool guy. someone special will come your way, and you know, i think karma really works so, he'll be awesome!!

October 14, 2006
4:45 pm
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stardj0
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Thanks Doubleloss..that was so sweet..

October 16, 2006
8:26 am
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revelation
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star, thats a great attitude, and vert nobel of you too. You deserve someone great and that will happen for you if you believe in yourself. If it gets too hard to hang out with them, then go take some time for yourself ok?

Rev.

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