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Loving marriage with problems
July 12, 2000
3:15 pm
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JP1234
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My wife and I love each other very much but have major problems that keeps tearing at us.
We have known each other going on 2 years. She is from England and is 27. I am American
and am 41. She is a very private girl and likes to keep to herself. She calls herself a
house-hatcher and likes to stay at home a lot. We come from very different worlds. I have a
college education and am a software engineer and she never finished high school. She
doesn't work and isn't qualified to do anything other than basic "mall jobs", which she doesn't
like the idea of. She has taken a couple of courses at a local community college, but doesn't
have enough skills to get a good job yet. She is very good at home and very productive around
the house. She is an excellent homemaker. I don’t think she wants to work and I don’t care either way.

We met in a horrible fashion, but I realize now that I would have never met her any other
way, because she is so private. I went over to England to work for a month and through listening to some friends called a local brothel for some fun. I had never done anything like that before. She worked part time on a Saturday there for her mother and answered the phones. She hated the job, but needed the money. We talked and finally agreed to go out on a date. My wife was a virgin when I married her. We dated that whole month and decided to pursue the relationship when I got back to America.

I was separated from my 1st wife at the time but never divorced for financial reasons. My
1st wife lived in a nursing home at the time in California. When my present wife and I decided
to get married I divorced my 1st wife and transferred her to a nursing home in Ohio near her
parents. Everything is fine in that respect.

Ever since we've been married a major problem has plagued us. It's a combination a
paranoia on my wife's part and distrust on my part. I sometimes think my wife is using me just
to get ahead in life, and that she doesn't really care about me. She on the other hand is
constantly accusing me of things and really believes them. The major things she accuses
me of are:
1) She thinks I have been using brothels long before I met her and believes that I am still
using them now. If I am late or in a meeting etc... she accuses me a paying to be with a
women, even though she controls the household money.
2) She thinks I am in secret regular contact with my ex-wife in Ohio, of which I am not and that
I am still in love with her.
3) She thinks I am having affairs with women at work, and am going out to lunches with them.

It has gotten to the point where I feel that I am living in a small cardboard box and cant
make a mistake with her getting upset. I don't know how to convince her that the things she believes aren't
true. We talked about having me take a lie-detector test on these three areas, but she
backed out realizing that it would put our marriage on the line, concerning gray areas. I have
always been faithful to my wife. We are generally happy with our lives together in every other area. But these problems cause a lot of arguments and I believe are stunting the growth of our marriage. I have had no children in my life, and might want to one day with her, but I do not want to bring them into this environment.

Thanks ahead of time

John

July 12, 2000
6:16 pm
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heartfelt
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John.going to a brothel somehow does'nt go along with being faithful to your wife. Dating for a WHOLE month and making life decisions seems maybe somewhat impulsive.....what where and are your motives, desires, and intentions? You should care about how she feels regarding work or anything for honest communication rather than manipulative control works in a relationship the way it was meant to be. Maybe you can help by just listening about what's inside her and she may do the same as long as it is'nt to decieve to cover ones tracks.

July 12, 2000
8:26 pm
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janes
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The two of you need to seek a third party to help you sort this all out. Added to the problems is the age difference...which if you were both trusting and supportive would not matter so much.

The two of you have many issues that could be solved if you will both open up and trust and be honest.

July 12, 2000
8:43 pm
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Spirit
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John: Let's see if I have this right: You and your wife love each other, yet you don't trust each other. Correct? Your wife sounds as if she suffers from the dreaded low self esteem. She has talents, but no job skills? She could do many things with the skills she has, she just needs to know she is a valuable individual in this world. You have been through a crisis yourself, don't know what happened to your first wife, but I'll bet it still hangs in your heart. That is only human. Take Janes' advice and seek a thrid party marriage type therapist so you two can get on track. There is a promising future, if you both want it. Support her, emotionally. She is in a different country and away from familiar things. Bring peace into your marriage through understanding each other...

July 13, 2000
10:09 am
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Cici
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Jealousy can stem from low self esteem and I think this is a prime example of it. I must take issue with heartfelt's response. I met my fiancee is a very weird way and he pretty much has lived at my apartment since we first met almost a year ago, yet we have a very stable, happy relationship, although thatis mostly due to my getting a degree in psychology and applying all the stuff I learned.

Enough about me. Now, your wife. She has nothing to be confident about. She lives at home, doesn't go out so she probably has few friends right now, has no job to feel like she accomplished something. This is a recipie for low self esteem, not to mention the fact that her mother ran a brothel.

Take it from me, you don't need a college degree to get certain jobs. That's how I support myself now, as a secretary, because I have no college degree yet. She obvously has no personal motivation. So here's my suggestions about what to do.

Go see a marriage counselor. This will help youwork out the kinks that didn't get worked out before you were married. You know what they say. You never really know someone until you live with them.

Encourage her to get her GED. It's a very easy exam, one of my friends took it so he could get better work and he is definately not collegiate material. Then, baby steps. Encourage her to try a part time job. It will help her make new friends and feel a sense of accomplishment with her day. Then, she won't be so obsessively focused on you.

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