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Loverbee needing to vent
January 18, 2007
11:51 pm
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loverbee
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So, my ex moved out when I was in hawaii and that was fine cause it is nice still having him right down the street so we can hang out. But it was still hard coming back to an empty place pretty much and my mother is making it even harder. She won't stop asking me about him and I think its cause she wants to keep him as a financial resource because last month he paid half of her rent out of the kindness of his heart and she seems so eager to make sure that can still happen if she gets fired for being drunk on the job (which she has been and runs the risk of her job being terminated) and I am very hurt and angry that she is being so selfish and making this breakup so much harder. It is very hard to talk to her now and I am having a lot of mixed feelings when I talk to her. Any advice? By the way I already mentioned how I feel about the whole thing but she is being very guilt trippy and stupid about it all. playing dumb but then doing it again. It is annoying and hurtful,

January 18, 2007
11:58 pm
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loverbee
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Bumping a little.

January 19, 2007
1:26 am
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Shaney
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I'm having mother issues myself. It's very hard for me to say anything to her as well. It's really frustrating, I know.

When I broke up with my ex, I told every person that I knew not to mention him. I didn't want to know if they saw him, heard from him, or heard OF him. I wanted him in the past, and everyone actually did what I asked. I also let everyone know, that if they wanted to maintain a relationship with him, that it was fine with me... I just didn't want to know or hear about it. Everyone really respected my request, and it was much easier for me.

Now, I know that you don't want your mom asking you about him, but are you really going to be okay with hanging out with him? It seems like a little bit of a contradiction to me... maybe i don't know the whole story.... but if hearing about him is hard for you, i would think that seeing him would be even harder. Am I missing something?

January 19, 2007
2:02 am
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wannabe
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I agree with Shaney, its like setting oduble standards and its like the issue here is not really your EX or getting over him but your mom expecting financial assistance.

if your mum had no expectation would you be comfrotable discussing him??

what do you really want? if you wnat him in your life then appreciate the fact that others in your life my be concerned too (like your mum) if you want him out of your life, then get him out and the others even your mum will soon accept that he is history

January 19, 2007
3:24 am
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Shaney
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You know, lately when I've been crazed at my mom... I thought it was because she was wearing out her welcome at my house. I just wanted her to go home so I could have my space. I was SOOOO annoyed with her just being here. But now that I think about it, it's not that I mind her staying here so much, it's the reason that she's staying here that tortures me. She stays because she's barely making it financially, and it's a way of taking the easy road and not having to put forth the effort to find a job. She sponges off of this one easy client that lives close to me, instead of putting the energy into the home business that she has been trying (hardly trying, actually) to get going for 2 years already. I get fired up just typing this out.

So, in reading your post, I can see more anger and resentment for your mother because of her inability to hold a job due to her alcoholism. That's probably closer to the core of what you feel. If she was more responsible and less selfish, she wouldn't need your ex-boyfriend. I can definitely see how you would be hurt by this, for many reasons. And maybe embarassed by your mom's behavior, as well. Yours is a hard situation to be in. Confronting your mother about her irresponsibility would probably help to relieve some of the anxiety you feel about the breakup. I know you hate to cnfront her because of the guilt trip she heaps on you (my mom does the same thing)... but you can't suffer in order to spare the feelings of your mom, or the fallout of her reaction to what you say. As long as it's done tactfully, and carefully, there's nothing for you to feel guilty about.

I feel for you. I'm in the same situation of not being able to say how i feel without some emotional fallout. So I end up suffering while everyone else gets to use me to wipe their feet on. I haven't been to therapy in 10 years, but am making an appointment on Friday, for this very reason. If I come up with some magic remedy for this, I'll let you know. :o) Good luck

January 19, 2007
7:05 am
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nothelpless
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I agree that is important to address our feelings of pain rather than avoid them for others's sake. The problem with holding the feelings in is that it not only drives us up on the wall and snowballs into an even larger resentment towards the other person and towards ourselves for not speaking up is that the other person sometimes has no idea the effect her behavior is having on us. I suggest setting a time aside to speak with your mother about the topic that is bothering you -- making this appointment with her will set this up for a productive conversation. I suggest being humble and kind but at the same time expressing how her behavior is making you feel. I can almost guarantee you will feel relief from this. I know that this has helped with my relationship with my mother. Once I tell her how her behavior is making me feel, she really does try to change and most of the time she had no clue what effect she was having on me. I also end up realizing (most times) that my behavior had a role in it too.

January 19, 2007
9:57 am
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loverbee
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I think the problem is that our conversations have gotten to the point that she never asks about how I am doing only about how he is doing. I am fine discussing him with everyone else just not her cause its like when he is the topic of conversation, I don't exist. Its not my idea of supporting your daughter although she never has known how to be supportive. I have said these exact words to her and she tells me I am being selfish and weak for being "so unreasonable" and then goes on talking about him or herself. She has even been doing it with my sister. Its rude.

January 19, 2007
7:38 pm
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loverbee
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My sister yelled at my mother and told her to leave me alone if she couldn't be supportive and told her not to call me again and she agreed. Then she hung up the phone and called me. I can't believe how obnoxious she is.

January 20, 2007
11:26 pm
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loverbee
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It is wierd reaching the point that I know that I just don't really care if my mother gets fired or has a happy life or whatever cause she doesn't want to. She never works to make things better but she whines all the time about how awful life is, and if she isn't going to fix her own life then it isn't my responsibility. I am not angry or mad or hurt or sad....I just don't care.

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