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LOVERBEE MADE A HUGE DECISION AND TOOK A HUGE STEP--I NEED SUPPORT
May 24, 2007
12:55 pm
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loverbee
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apparently now, my fathers brothers and sisters are wanting me to wait to find out the paternity results because they want to make sure that I am secure financially. Because I have trust funds in my name, they are concerned that if the paternity shows he isn't my father, because he is such an ass, he may try to cut me out of the family financially so now we have to hire a lawyer to look over everything and make sure that its all in order to find out the results. It shows how much they care about me but it sux because it is delaying the test.

May 24, 2007
2:50 pm
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fantas
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Loverbee, I am so glad that your dad will take the paternity test. I think it should be between you and him and rest of the family needs to stay out. Perhaps you and him should try and talk to each other before going through with the blood test. If you found out he wasn't your real father, would you still want the trust fund he set uo for you? Do you know why you wish to catch your mom in a lie even if you know that she lies a lot? Why is this so important to you? Send you lots of positive energy....

May 24, 2007
3:06 pm
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loverbee
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he didn't set up the trust my grandmother did and he has continuously stolen the money from it so that I couldn't use it to go to college. They are only worried about him trying to sabotage the trust because he doesn't have a job and is constantly trying to manipulate people into giving him money. He is an ass.I want to catch her because this is something that she can't deny so that if I told her it had to be a lie, maybe it would be a wake up call of how much she lies.

May 24, 2007
3:18 pm
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Pom 34
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Wow! Yes, you have a lot going on so lets do try and keep this one up top.

Good for you for being brave enough to start this thing off. Remember, you are not responsible for how OTHERS choose to react to something. Maybe you can picture yourself as the calm eye in the middle of their fierce storm. Perhaps you can try and trust that you will find out what you need to know, when you need to know it. This is a higher power thing, but from my experience in situations beyond my control, this has always worked for me!

Let them all stew in their lies! They can either choose to recover from the wreckage of the past or not. Its up to them. Sounds like you have done your part for what YOU need to do to take care of yourself. Don't forget to keep doing what you need to do to take care of you! 🙂

All will be revealed! -Pom 34

May 24, 2007
3:21 pm
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loverbee
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I hope so but I am glad that the rest of my fam is lookin out for my best interests. Its nice to have someone who cares. its going to be complicated though.

May 24, 2007
3:29 pm
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Pom 34
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I understand about getting pissed about a mother's lies! Boy do I ever! My situation was different, though and my mother has since passed away. My friend who also happens to be an excellent drug and alcohol councelor, and I, coming from an alcoholic mother like yourself, used to tell me "I hope you are charging your mother rent for the space she is taking up in your head!" Meaning, that when I got so angry at her and this anger consumed me, it meant that I was participating in the insanity of her disease. Well, that was a hard truth to hear, but it was, in fact, true. I didn't want anything more to do with her disease; I had enough of that as her child, so this helped me change my perspective and find peace -eventually- about all the crap she never did fess up to. It took time, though. I empathize with you. Hang in there. Find peace -somewhere--anywhere!-- for yourself right now. I'll be thinking on you, sending peace!
-Pom 34

May 24, 2007
3:36 pm
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fantas
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Loverbee...I'd say that this is a good time to start rereading the book codependent no more and redo the steps. If you haven't read it yet, it would be a great one for this time. I find that everytime I start to get sucked into any type of people drama I go through the steps and ground myself. Families are really intense and it sounds like you are getting ready to deal with a lot of family issues. Just try to remember the reason you wanted this information was for you and noone else. You have no control of how anyone will react. It's okay for the family to have their reactions because they haven't had the time to think about this and prepare for it like you have so they are probably still in shock and they may have their own fears. Listen to them but keep yourself at the front of it all. All the best to you...stay strong.

May 24, 2007
3:42 pm
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Pom 34
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Yup, Fantas good call!

I am in the middle of that book for the first time right now.

My therapist told me to highlight whatever applies to me. My highlighter is running out of ink! 🙂 We go over what is applicable in our sessions.

It is a great rock to hold onto during a storm.
Has something for everyone, I think...

-Pom 34

May 24, 2007
4:24 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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((loverbee))

May 24, 2007
4:52 pm
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loverbee
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I do have a ton going on. I had to show my apartment today which was stressful cause I had to clean a ton too.

May 24, 2007
8:46 pm
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loverbee
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I am trying to just relax tonight. I did get a lot of cleaning done so I feel good about that. Now I just have to figure out how to keep it clean. I talked with my sis who says that she thinks that my trusts are safe because my dads father is the one who started the trusts and he knew I wasn't my dads biological father. So... Thats good news I guess. But we still have to hire a lawyer to make sure.

May 25, 2007
9:33 am
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risingfromtheashes
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loverbee....I wonder if you are doing this for the right reasons?

I mean - if you DO catch your mom in a lie...do you REALLY think she is going to step up and get help?

Sometimes making someone's issue public knowledge only makes it worse and may make your mom more angry and totally alienate you - instead of getting help, which I suppose is what you really want to happen.

And if he isn't your father, then that opens up the door for "who is".

I have a sister who was given up for adoption when my mom was young - prior to meeting/marrying my dad.

She gave up the baby to friends of her step dad. She always knew how the baby was doing.

When I was 11, I found out I had a sister. I was 21 when we made contact and decided to meet.

She had to arrange to meet me while her husband was on ship duty in the navy, because he didn't support the meeting. Said she should leave the skeletons in the closet.

It didn't solve anything. And I suspect it was painful for her. My mom couldn't give her honest answers surrounding her birth and adoption because my sister was close to my step grandfather, and he was a mean, ugly bitter man who abused my mom in EVERY way imaginable...it was horrible.

So, she was left without many answers.

She never contacted me after our meeting...it wasn't the happily ever after that we all hoped it would be.

The only good that came out of it was my sister got a family medical history that explained her depression and the depression in her young daughters. Beyond that, she gained nothing.

I guess I wonder if you are just trying to make a point to your parents and hope that it doesn't backfire and blow up in your face.

I always was told my dad wasn't my biological...in fact, HE always jokes that I am not his. I don't think he believes I am.

I would LOVE to find out he isn't. But it wouldn't accomplish anything.

I don't like my dad and that's all there is to it....he is mean and abusive...and the ONLY thing I can change is ME...so I am miles away from him and won't communicate with him...and in time, my wounds are healing and I am in a better place.

Remember, you can't change people...and even IF the test prove mom lied...she may still not acknowledge her problem.

And there is also the possibility that mom DIDN"T lie and really did believe dad was your father.

Anyway, be careful...this could open up a can of worms that may be hard to shut.

May 25, 2007
9:36 am
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loverbee
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My mom would never alienate me because she needs me too much. I guess I just want to know one way or the other. I told my father that regardless of what the results are I don't want him to be a part of my life because he is way too abusive. I just want to shut this doorr and move on.

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