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LOVERBEE MADE A HUGE DECISION AND TOOK A HUGE STEP--I NEED SUPPORT
May 23, 2007
6:05 pm
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loverbee
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Oh my god, I actually did it, I asked my father to take a paternity test. I haven't spoken to him in almost seven years now and I am terrified. I vowed never to talk to him ever again because he was horrifically abusive but this is just too important to let go. So I did it. Wow I can't believe it. I emailed him to ask him and I am having my sister check the email account for me because she is much better at dealing with him.

May 23, 2007
6:37 pm
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loverbee
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Need to bump this up cause I need support

May 23, 2007
6:50 pm
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loverbee
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seems to be getting bumped down further and further and i need support. everyone i know is busy right now.

May 23, 2007
6:55 pm
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fantas
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((((Loverbee))) Good for you!!! I am so proud of you. I hope that your father responds and takes the paternity test. Perhaps this is the beginning of healing these wounds. Reagardless of the outcome, you should be so proud of yourself for the steps you have taken this week. Talking to your mom and now you father. I hope that this gives you courage to step out each time you want to do something without fear. All the best to you!!!

May 23, 2007
6:59 pm
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loverbee
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I am on a roll here yes but so far he won't respond. I hope he does but i can't make him. If not there are a few other routes I can take but I would rather see the proof. I am so antsy waiting for his response.

May 23, 2007
7:20 pm
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At_it_Again
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That is brave loverbee! I hope he responds with a positive answer!

May 23, 2007
7:30 pm
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loverbee
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This year has been a year of revealing. My family's secrets that they have kept for the last fifty years are ALL coming out. My uncle got caught having an affair. Then he went to a theraputic camp type thing where it was revealed he has been doing it since the beginning of his marriage and that he has been diagnosed as a sex addict. Then it came out that my grandfather had affairs. It also came out that my grandmother was so lonely that she began having what is called a covert incestual relationship with my uncle. my mother had an affair and I am the result of it. My whole family has known the entire time that there were doubts about the paternity which I thought they had no clue. My uncle may very well have been my father because the sexual addiction may have driven him to have an affair with my mother. Otherwise I have no clue who it is and that is going to be an issue I am going to have to reasearch on my own because of the fact that my mother is now mentally ill and has convinced herself that this didn't happen. The only reason my dad raised me was because he didn't want to split my sister and I up because we became close the moment I exited the womb and when the possiblitiy came up she became a very depressed little three year old so he took me home. The possible affair was the reason my parents divorced. And apparently there is a lot more but my aunt wants to tell me in person because she feels its just too painful to talk about over the phone and since I don't live in my home town anymore i will have to fly to chicago to find out the rest. What a nightmare.

May 23, 2007
7:47 pm
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atalose
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(((loverbee)))

Wow, what big steps you are taking, I am proud of you for finding all that courage.

You are dealing with so many hugh issues right now I wish there was something we all could do for you.

I think talking to your aunt is going to be your best insight into all those things with your family and mother. I'm sure this is why your mother drinks. I was going to ask you if you have ever attended an al-anon or adult children of alcoholics meetings. Al-anon helped me deal with my dad when he was drinking and taugh me how to detach and not ingage him. When you mentioned the fighting on the phone with your mom it reminded me so much of the fights I had with my dad. When they are drunk there is no reasoning with them and when they are not drunk there still is no reasoning with them, the alcohol just rots there minds. If you can try and detach emotionaly from your mom especialy when you know she is drunk. Keep it short and simple and you'll find yourself not engaging as much and feeling less anxiety and stress.

Is there a possibility your Aunt can come visit you in your place after you move?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

May 23, 2007
7:55 pm
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lovinglife
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Loverbee~ that is a HUGE step. I wish you all the blessings you hope to get out of your decision.

If there is one piece of wisdom - in all my learning of this last year ; ) that I could pass on…is that while you anxiously wait for a response from him that your request may take him some time to digest or may very well fall on death ears. You’ve put your thoughts/request out there (all you can do)…and if you don’t receive the response you are hoping for - remember YOU just did something for your growth- for your healing. And THAT is huge. Good for you : )

May 23, 2007
7:59 pm
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loverbee
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The problem is, that she is in school so she has to work around her schedule. As for going to al-anon programs, I got one better. I went to a theraputic boarding school for high school. we are talking group therapy sessions three times a week for two years and every two months we did workshops. there were a series of them and they had an order. IT was amazing. I have never learned to love myself the way I did going through all that and I gained a family that has stuck with me through thick and thin even after we all graduated. The workshops were with 26 other kids that were at the same emotional point as I was so we all went through everything together. They were called my family there and they really are. So now I get into fights with my drunk mother maybe once a year but no more. I slip up but for the most part, I keep the contact to a minimum. It has just been increased because I have been trying ot find out about my father.

May 23, 2007
11:03 pm
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loverbee
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My sister and aunt pointed out some interesting ideas. My father is the proudest human being ever to walk the face of the earth and there is a good chance that he won't want the paternity test because the fact that my mother cheated is a threat to his manhood and therefore, I am preparing himself to not respond to my request at all. That will be hard and frustrating and painful to be perfectly honest but it is a very real possibility.

May 23, 2007
11:33 pm
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loverbee
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I feel like not getting response from my "father" would be a huge loss for me. It would be saying goodbye to any chance i have of finding out for sure and it would be a serious goodbye between us. I always plan on going to his deathbed if I ever found out he was sick, but this may mean he doesn't even want me there.

May 24, 2007
12:11 am
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lovinglife
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on my way to hit the pillow for the night...

Loverbee...don't let it get you down or discourage you in any way since you haven't heard back from him. He may not have even received the email yet. AND TRY not to be the writer to the end of this chapter in your life...its just beginning. Has it even been 24 hrs??!! Also hon, remember you are not the author here : ) leave that to your HP - Its his/her job to finish writing this chapter. Your job was just to get the ball rolling. Something was layed on your heart, you followed through with it - your job here has been done.

If you are in any ways like myself - I've always expected immediate answers when my mind is on something and when I don't get them when expected (for myself that means INSTANTLY) - then it always means to me the worst. I'm learning that its not always the case (bad news)... but first it took me to let go and let whatever is on my mind unfold on its own (without my unfounded input).

Think positive on this...whatever the outcome there will be positives – and in the meantime start looking for them.

(((((Loverbee))))

May 24, 2007
12:21 am
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loverbee
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Its not the untimely response that makes me think that he won't respond. Its his past behavior. HE avoids things he doesn't like and pounces on any chance to defend himself. A paternity test is something he would be unable to deny so he would probably avoid it. I don't know. I just want to get this whole thing resolved so that I can just forget about it.

May 24, 2007
12:59 am
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loverbee
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I'm going to get some z's now and them maybe my father will have written to me by the time I wake up. Not likely and if he even responds, he will probably need a week or two to think about it, but I need to check because if he does, I need peace of mind. Goodnight all......

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

May 24, 2007
1:03 am
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Can you find out some other way besides a response that depends on him?

May 24, 2007
9:48 am
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loverbee
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my dad said he would take the test.

May 24, 2007
9:48 am
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loverbee
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my dad said he would take the test.

May 24, 2007
10:01 am
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Isis
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Well that's good news- this is most definitely a start.

Hang in there (((loverbee))).

Isis

May 24, 2007
10:38 am
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smarterone
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Good luck loverbee, that was a huge step

May 24, 2007
10:51 am
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lovinglife
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well Loverbee that is great news to hear however am I picking up that maybe your not all that excited about it now.... Yes?. No.?

May 24, 2007
10:54 am
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mj
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Hooray for YOU Loverbee!

I am glad that you are on your way in discovering who your biological father is. This is Huge!

May 24, 2007
11:49 am
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loverbee
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I am excited, but I am nervous because either way the results are going to cause quite a rucous in my family. i am not looking forward to all the fighting that is going to occur and all because it seems that my parents are having a very hard time making this about what I need and more about who they can point the finger at. It caused a divorce so either way I feel like 24 years ago when I was born, then it could have been about them but they never got a paternity test. IT was up to me and so therefore I feel they have lost the right to start fights with eachother. I just feel they are both so selfish.

May 24, 2007
12:03 pm
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mj
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I think everyone has the right to their medical genetic history. There were times in the past that when someone was adopted and it was sealed forever. I had a father-in-law who tried to get information on his biological parents before he died. All he knew was that his parents met when they worked together in a candy factory.

I am glad that your "father" has agreed to test for paternity so that you will clearly know that he is not your biological father. You can't force your mom to divulge what she won't but I am hoping that she will for your medical benefit. If she never does then itmay not be life threatening and you will grow to accept it.

May 24, 2007
12:11 pm
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loverbee
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The whole thing with my mother is that I don't want to find out for the medical history aspect, its just that she is such a liar about everything and it PISSES ME OFF TO NO END!!! So I just want to catch her in a lie. Chances are he isn't my father because I have a hereditary disease (epilepsy--not caused by hormones) that no one has and I don't look like anyone I am related to. Plus my blood type is questionable as well. That is why the doctors told my dad the day I was born that they thought that I wasn't his. I just want the truth to come out.

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