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Loverbee back from hawaii
January 12, 2007
1:42 pm
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loverbee
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Well, got back from my sis' place in hawaii and it was a rough couple of weeks. Although I love her very much, she is hard to handle. She is eight mos along which was cool to see but it is very hard because, well lets just go through the rundown.

1.) her husband told me I was disgusting because I was not tan enough to which I responded "good thing I don't give a sh** what you think of me."
2. She repeatedly told me I was weak and that although she would love to have me help her she thought i was just too weak. I did the job anyway to prove her wrong.
3.) She told me that I needed to be less sensative and let more things roll off my shoulders when her husband was rude and threw temper tantrums. I told him that I thought that people shouldn't always have to change to accomodate him and that he should learn to be less of a dick. hat shut them up but didn't resolve anything. My mother has been so wasted the last week that she forgot what day of the week it was and refused to go to work on tuesday because she kept saying " I am not scheduled today." Two days later she realized that it was tuesday and that she may be getting fired over that stunt. I told her that I would not pay for her anymore. It has been a rough couple of weeks.

January 12, 2007
2:31 pm
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garfield9547
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Loverbee

I thought going to Hawaii would be fantastic. I realise however going to family has its own sets of problems.

Your sister seems to think she is better than you.

" 1.) her husband told me I was disgusting because I was not tan enough to which I responded "good thing I don't give a sh** what you think of me."

Gosh he is meen!!!

Looks like he has to belittle somebody to feel better about himself. Low self esteem??

" 2. She repeatedly told me I was weak and that although she would love to have me help her she thought i was just too weak. I did the job anyway to prove her wrong"

Looks like your sister has a low self esteem aswell.

Have you asked yourself the question as to why you desided to go to Hawaii??

Do you think that maybe you have a fantasy of your sister treating you diverent?

Just asking. Looks like to me she will never change and sees you as weak to protect her own insecurities.

".) She told me that I needed to be less sensative and let more things roll off my shoulders when her husband was rude and threw temper tantrums."

"Less Sensitive" So she is taking his abuse and expects you to also. All in the name of being "less sensitive"

I think your sister is brainwashed by her husband and just excepts bad behaviour from him. She does not see him for who he really is.

"I told her that I would not pay for her anymore. "

You do just that Loverbee. You mother is surpose to be your mother. Not hte other way around. Stop enabling her. She needs to learn that she has responcibilities in life.

Love

Garfield

January 12, 2007
2:52 pm
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gracenotes
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Loverbee,

Welcome back home. I am sorry this was such a mess, but, you did stand up for yourself and stated your truth. That's what matters. Of course, its not going to change their situation, but at least you walked out of there saying what you meant.

Excuse me...weak??? That sounds like someone afraid of the fact that you are a growing, evolving person getting things together, capable to speaking some truths, and they just cannot handle it. Oh, and the "too sensitive" stuff is just another ploy. I've had that run all over me, but never by the healthy people in my life.

And, Good For You. Not paying for mother anymore!! Garfield's statement is right on. She's supposed to be your mother. These are your mother's choices and you cannot be responsible for your mother's choices.

Welcome Back!!

January 12, 2007
3:00 pm
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garfield9547
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gracenotes

"Excuse me...weak??? That sounds like someone afraid of the fact that you are a growing, evolving person getting things together, capable to speaking some truths, and they just cannot handle it. Oh, and the "too sensitive" stuff is just another ploy. I've had that run all over me, but never by the healthy people in my life. "

THAT SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE AFRAID OF THE FACT THAT YOU ARE GROWING!!

Well said Gracenotes. This is excactly what happened. Loverbee is standing up for herself and her sister is not used to it. Defending herself.

Garfield

January 12, 2007
5:14 pm
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loverbee
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Hi all. I had asked why I went their and here is what I have come up with. She is all alone in HI and has no family or friends and she is eight months pregnant so I felt she needed help. Her husband works twelve hour days and she doesn't have anyone to help her. So I went. I also got to throw her a baby shower and all that jazz. As for why she treats me this way, the worst part is that she has not always been this way. It was after my father disowned her that she became like this. I didn't speak to her for about six years after she was disowned because my father wouldn't let me and I still lived with him. The damage of not having any family really screwed her up and then by the time I found her again she had become a totally different person. She had no self respect anymore and she was convinced she needed to be treated like crap. Before all that, we were best friends. always together, always knew when something was wrong and the only person who really knew me. Then my dad went nuts and kicked her out and then he kicked me out. So now, neiither of us have a relationship with him and I went to therapy to deal with it and she didn't and now this is what has happened. She didn't go because my dad told her that she needed to be in a nut house and that she was weak and pathetic right before she left so she wants to prove him wrong. As for my mother, I talked to my sis about it and I think that the biggest problem is that I broke up with my bf a few months ago and we are still friends and all but at one point, he had paid her rent because he is a very generous guy and all that and now she won't leave me alone about him because she is needing money again. So she doesn't do a whole lot that really pisses me off, but this is one of them. I can't believe that she would sink this low but I am dealing with this one step at a time.

January 12, 2007
6:35 pm
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loverbee
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It was kind of nie bonding with my sis when she was alone. I think her husband brings out the worst in her and I have told her that I was skeptical about the whole marriage but that I would support her. I also told her that I would not tolerate her treating her like crap though and I call her on it every time. I told her I know she may not listen but on the other hand, she needs to know what I am thinking. When she tried to explain his behavior away, I always say, you don't need to make excuses to convince me that he is a good guy, it depends all on what you allow yourself to be treated like.

January 13, 2007
12:40 am
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loverbee
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I kind of felt like in some ways, I was able to take myself back because of the way she treated me. It was an opportunity for me to demand respect for myself and it has changed my friendships in general. It has made me begin to demand a higher standard from all my friendships because when it is so blatant that she was disrespecting me, it made me take a closer look at myself and my life and who I wanted to be. I don't want to be like my sister and I am so unique and interesting and fun and I have so many aspirations. I even decided that I am getting a tattoo next month with my friend. I made a lot of new years resolutions. Anyone else make any?

January 13, 2007
5:23 am
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garfield9547
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loverbee

'As for why she treats me this way, the worst part is that she has not always been this way. It was after my father disowned her that she became like this. I didn't speak to her for about six years after she was disowned because my father wouldn't let me and I still lived with him"

This is a big piece in the puzzle as to why your sister reacted the way she did.

Not only was she disowned by her father, but you were also forced to reject her as you stayed with your father.

This must of been terrible. Its so discusting to see how many parents play psycological games with there children regarding inheritance.

I have seen this with my grand mother who disowned my mother and aunt and gave everything to my uncle.

This has caused sooooo much sh..t in the family.

I think you sister went through hell emotionally when your father disowned her. She did not only loose a father, but she lost you as a sister as well.

All this anger is projected now.

Its going to take time to heal the friendship you once had. Still no excuse to take abusive behaviour from her

Time heals

Love

Garfield

January 13, 2007
2:33 pm
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loverbee
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Thanks garfield. When we sat down at one point and I told her that in actuality, not speaking to her because my dad wouldn't let me was when the suicide attempts started. I became totally depressed. She told me she wasn't angry, she said she understood that I was only 14 and had to obey my dad at least until I turned 18. She said she was just so lonely when it happened. I told her that I thought she had become completely embittered since she left and that she had a lot of anger. I also told her that I thought that she should seek therapy to help her deal with the anger and all. I also told her that she didn't have to be so thick skinned anymore and that she didn't always have to be strong. She cried but then tried to make it seem like she wasn't. Either way, I got to her. So anyway, I am sure that to a certain degree my sister will never be the same but I hope she at least develops a sense of respect.

January 13, 2007
3:50 pm
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Loverbee

So you were only 14 years old when this happened. This is VERY young. You had no option. It must have been terrible. Torn between your father and your sister.

Why did you dad refuse for you to have contact with your sister?

This was cruel of him to do to you. I mean you were on 14 and caught in the middle of all this drama.

" I am sure that to a certain degree my sister will never be the same but I hope she at least develops a sense of respect. "

I agree with you. She needs to learn to respect you and others. I think her disrespect comes from not having respect for her own parents. I meen she could not respect her own father, because he does not deserve to be respected. SO why respect anybody else?

She needs to deal with this.

You have not mentioned anything about your mother. This could also be a key to some answers.

Love
Garfield

January 13, 2007
4:03 pm
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loverbee
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My mother is an alcoholic schitzophrenic paranoid person (she has been diagnosed) and we have always had to mother her instead of the other way around. My father suffers from BPD according to most therapists and has cut his two daughters out of his life and refuses to be civil or speak with them as well as his mother, father, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, friends (except for one) and he is bankrupt and living off my brothers trust fund. I am sure at some point he will disown my brother cause that is usually how it works. As soon as we want to go to college, he gives us completely irrational ultimatums. Mine was that either I quit my job, break up with my bf, stop going to school and start spending time "being part of the family on a daily basis" or I get out of his house and never look back. For my sister, he said that he thought she was crazy for wanting to go to college so he said either she commit herself to a mental institution or get out and never look back. He doesn't like us to be normal. I ended up in a theraputic boarding school once my sister left after a year of cutting and then finally I slit my wrists. I am fine now ( eight and a half years free from cutting) and now that I have been kicked out I am much happier without him. I am being financially supported by my grandmother and my fathers brothers and sisters and it gets hard at times to not be able to speak to my brother (he is in the same situation I was in when I was 14 and not able to speak to my sister) but I am ok and I am getting stronger everyday. I wish my sister could have learned the things I learned about at the boarding school in dealing with my emotions but she is lost and I am not sure how to show her her way back. It is very confusing and my mother is getting worse every day. I am dealing with a break up after a six year relationship right now. Although it may be temporary, it has been very hard but good for me at the same time. So I don't even know what is going to happen and I am trying to take it one day at a time.

January 13, 2007
4:44 pm
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garfield9547
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Loverbee

"My mother is an alcoholic schitzophrenic paranoid person (she has been diagnosed) and we have always had to mother her instead of the other way around"

i know what you mean. My mother is emotionally immature and i feel like I never had a mother at all.

As the mother is the first primal caretaker we often get involved with people that resemblem them emotionally to a certain extend.

You father seems like a control freak to me. Either his way or the high way.

"As soon as we want to go to college, he gives us completely irrational ultimatums."

My guess here is that your father does not have a college education and as soon as one of his children wants to go to college he feel inferior.?

"Mine was that either I quit my job, break up with my bf, stop going to school and start spending time "being part of the family on a daily basis" or I get out of his house and never look back. "

Quit you job??? This is terrible, really. Stop going to school, vreak up with your bf. So he wants you ALL to himself. How selfish and immature.

You will be much better off without your father and mother in your life. This is the only way you can heal emotionally.

You learned allot at boarding school and I am glad for you. It is however impossible for you to change your sister. i know what you feel like. After being in therapy I wanted my sister and mother and brothers to also see what I see.

I realized that this is not possible. I had to focus on myself as i could not get them to change.

You are also dealing with a break up from your bf. Although these are hard times its also good. i think the fact that you broke contact with your father is one of the reason you might have broken up in this relationship.

You are seeing things for what they are. You have grown emotionally and i take my hat for you on achieving so much.

Will catch up tomorrow again

Sleep tight

Love

Garfield

January 13, 2007
11:16 pm
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loverbee
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Thanks garfield. Although it was a wonderful relationship, and I was so happy with my bf, I also know that there is more growning that needs to be done. That is why we are taking this time apart. I am happy with myself and i have hope that everything will work out in the end. As for my sister, I feel as though she is a lost cause. I am n ot holding my breath for her to change. I had fun hanging out with friends today. It was definitely different but I am glad that it happened the way that it did. NEway, I am really glad that my dad is out of my life now. I feel strong and I ook forward to a bright future.

January 14, 2007
9:00 am
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Loverbee

You sister has to find her own path to healing herself from her emotional abuse.

You have done sooo much to find things out, read and work on yourself.

I am glad your father is our of your life. This will give you mental space to heal.

The best for you

Garfield

January 14, 2007
12:52 pm
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loverbee
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I am doing better now that I am home. I have realized that I wouldn't have rediscovered myself had it not been for the time I spent having to defend myself. Because normally I don't defend myself at all I just let people walk all over me and try to please them. But I didn't do that this time. I stood up for myself every single time and now I feel even more worthy of love. It was wonderful. Also, my ex said that he is falling in love with me all over again. I told him that I still loved him very much too but needed to be on my own for a little while just to make sure that I have learned to make myself important and not caretake. It was nice to know though that in the end it may actually work out between us. I am not expecting anything though I am just using this time to grow.

January 14, 2007
3:04 pm
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garfield9547
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loverbee

on another thread you said this

" I have always been the type of girl that doesn't get along with other girls. I mostly have the mindset of a guy and therefore almost all of my friends except two are girls."

GOSH this struck me right between my eyes.

This is ME. no wonder I can connect with you.

I do not know why I am like this.

Do you think that maybe bc
I had no father figure and had to be the FATHER figure i turned out the way i am?

Just a thought.

In my relationship emotionally i am more of a man and my husband is more of a women.

This is tooo complicated for even me to understand, but I know what you are talking about

Love

Garfield

January 14, 2007
3:12 pm
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loverbee
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Ha garfield, I totally know what you are talking about when you say that you are more of the man. I think it is strange though because I am a very feminine girl like I like pink and dressing up and all but my mindset is much more laid back than anyone I know of the girls that I have met. I find that I am not petty the way that most girls are and I don't have a jealous bone in my body. I think that comes from a confidence that I found at boarding school but I have never found it necessary to gossip the way that most girls do and I find it annoying to listen to. Anyway, that is why I love my guy friends. They are real.

January 17, 2007
4:11 pm
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garfield9547
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Loverbee

If you see me you would think ALL girl.

My looks are very feminin, but my mind is different,

Strange that I also do not have a bone of jealousy in me. Tez is the same. Wonder why?

I had to be my mothers husband in some ways.

Thanks for the reply
Garfield

January 17, 2007
4:16 pm
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loverbee
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Yes and it is wierd because when I am not jealous, many of my guy friends are like "how could you not be jealous of her?" and I always tell them that it is because I am confident. I know I am beautiful and intelligent and incredibly unique. So if you are going to be with me, that is because you saw the light so to speak.

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