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Loverbee back after quite a trip
July 14, 2007
10:30 pm
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loverbee
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Ok, so I went to europe with my best friend who is my ex and actually it was a good way to get closure. The trip first started out after us not seeing eachother for a month because he moved to NY and I didn't (yet). The more I listened to him talk, the more I felt like I had lost him even as a friend and I was preparing to say goodbye. So I started to pull away a little. He asked me why and I finally said it. "all you talk about is your workout regimine and I can tell you are obsessing over the dating scene and it seems to me that you are just pretty boring now. You barely talk about the one thing you were passionate about which is guitar and you gossip and talk about people behind their backs. I just don't know if I want to be friends with this new you." And he broke down and said that I am the one person who expects more out of him and that he needed help getting back to himself. So We had a great talk and he has been much more real now. I realize that once I move to NY and I am not so lonely and I have my new roommate as a friend and have activities that I am going to be doing, I won't feel as stuck but I totally hate that a lot of my friends have become totally different people since they took on jobs that they hate and are just totally becoming boring miserable people. A lot of my friends have gotten stuck with crappy jobs because they can't afford to live in NY and I am fortunate enough that I won't need to worry, but the people I knew are now just completely superficial. My ex and I vowed that we would hold eachother to higher standards than that but I am going to need to make some better friends.

July 15, 2007
12:10 am
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loverbee
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I can't wait to have a life in NY but does anyone know any good ways to meet people in NY.

July 15, 2007
10:55 am
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Tiger Trainer
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How exciting to live in New York.

July 15, 2007
11:08 am
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loverbee
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Yes, its frustrating to be in this in between stage but I am sure it will all be over very soon. Only like two more weeks really. I feel like I have been in this in between stage forever though and my friends have all really been changing before my eyes. So I am going to have to get to know some new people but it has been a really sad realization for me.

July 15, 2007
11:42 am
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Anonymous
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NY seems to do that to people. I've been encouraged to move there many times by friends and acquaintances and work relations alike, since from a career point of view, it's the logical place for me to be, but I just don't want to be in that pressure cooker and forced to live a lifestyle which I know won't bring me satisfaction anymore.

And besides, I see what living in NYC has done to some of my friends and... either it's changed them or it's brought out that superficial part of them, or made them more paranoid and mistrusting, but whichever way you look at it, I don't very much like the people they've become anymore.

I used to want to prove myself to everyone and material gains and posessions really did matter a whole lot to me, and informed so many of my choices, in terms of the career I chose and the people I wanted as friends and the kinds of men I dated, but since I've been on burnout and forced to slow down, I'm seeing the choices I've made for what they are - i.e. not following my heart's desire, but rather doing the things I thought I had to do to be "succesful" by materialistic standards.

I've decided that living in a city where everyone is obsessed with their career and MAKING It (i.e. proving themselves) would probably have a negative impatct on me at the moment, considering I'm on a spiritual journey and learning to take things slower and making choices and acting from a place of integrity.

All that being said, I'm only sharing my own very personal point of view as it relates to my personal journey, and I'm not saying NYC per se is a bad place or that you won't find wonderful people in there - just like everywhere else, there are quality people to be found there too, but I would suggest you choose your friends wisely.

A general tip for meeting people: join groups and activities you like doing. There is so much going on in NY that you can find a group for just about any hobby or "special interest" under the sun. Be wary of people you meet in bars and clubs. That's pretty basic advice really. Also, it's really easy meeting people in NY since there are a lot of houseparties which usually attract a wide variety of folks, and people tend to be very outgoing and friendly there, since everyone is wanting to make new acquaintances. Again, be careful though, because a lot of the time, they are more interested in "networking" than actually being your friend, but you can and will find good people there too.

Like everything else... exercise good judgment, and just be yourself! And good luck to you! There's plenty of great stuff going on there and I'm sure you'll enjoy it.

July 15, 2007
12:30 pm
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loverbee
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I checked out some things last night on craiglist and I think when I get to NYC I am going to join a creative writing club that meets weekly. Also, there is tons of volunteer activities to do so I am going to do some of that as well. I just hate that my friends are unhappy. When I try to talk to them about it they just sound defeated. Like they have given up on trying to be happy. Its sad. I hope i find some cool people.

July 15, 2007
12:46 pm
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You will. Just trust in the universe and keep putting out a good vibe and you WILL meet good people. They're out there. 🙂

July 15, 2007
12:50 pm
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hello loverbee-

The thing about living somewhere is that it is a personal experience that you will have to have for yourself. You might actually really like New York. The city is so big and complex that there is something for everyone, and though I don't know what your intrests are- I am sure you will find a slice of life here that reflects them.

Right now I am going through a lot of personal problems and depression that effect the way I live, but that is me- not the city I live in. One of the reasons that I want to get better is because there's so much here to enjoy that I wish I could start FEELING the enjoyment of being in a place where you can take a vacation in your own town every weekend. It truly is great, travel between the burroughs to enjoy friends, restaurants or cultural institutions/activities is cheap and fast.

The friends thing isn't easy thought. I felt it was easier when I was less depressed, so I have a weird perspective right now. One thing though, there are endless classes, organizations, clubs, etc that you can join- some of them for free.

It is true that a lot of people here seem overly concerned about being successful and other superficial things. Well, actually, that is only part of the city. I've been here going on 14 years and I've come across many varieties of people. Right now I live in Midtown which is very conservative and corporate- completely the opposite of me! (It's a long story, but I needed to move fast). My apartment is nice, dog friendly (a must), and my neighbors are polite. But it's not me. I always say "It's a nice place to live, but I wouldn't want to work or visit there." It's like a permanent hotel. It's kind of antiseptic.

But the thing about NY is that you are hardly home and spend your time in other neighborhoods. At first glance if you came here and were working in certain environments, or living in places like I do, you might think everyone is ambitious and superficial. The truth is, there are many kinds of people here. I noticed that the native New Yorker who probably isn't as flamboyant as the career-minded new and shiny yuppie or hipster, is more down to earth and less phased by a lot of the superficial crap. Most of my coworkers and the patrons I serve in my library are FROM New York and they are very down to earth. You can't make gross generalizations of course, but the Girlfriend is right about there being that other rat-race element that is so hard to take.

Sometimes I think about moving only because of problems I've had here (unrelated to location) and then I realize there is nowhere else I want to be. I have fantasies about moving to Italy, but that is not possible. I grew up in the suburbs not far from here, and in my town people were very small minded, and often ignorant (despite their educations and their privelege which COULD have exposed them to more). There were nice things about it there, but I wouldn't go back. I feel I outgrew it by my teens.

People here are overly obsessed with dating. Maybe because it IS difficult. However, it is MUCH easier for men (especially straight men) than women, because of the population ratio. That is my observation and my experience. It gives men an edge that allows some of them to feel that they have endless women at their disposal. But maybe that's anywhere. It's certainly anywhere men are in the minority. Not to say men are awful in general, but things get weird under certain social dynamics. If things were reversed, I wonder if women would be the same way? It's just a supply and demand thing that even often ends up making women very competitive with each other, which is sad since we need eachother as friends. Often I have decided to drop female freinds that are so desperate to get male attention or approval (not even for dates mind you, just for little affirmations of some sad part of their ego) that not only do they become bores- they will step all over each other, or lose their integrety. So maybe your friend is changing because he is realizing that he is a rarer commodity here (for lack of better explaination). It is probably going to his head a little. Maybe he'll get over it if he finds someone that he really respects. People go through that dating-obsessed phase and it DOES make them boring! My sister is in it right now. I miss the old her!

Stay here a while before you make any decisions about leaving. It may take you a while to find your niche, but when you do you may love it. I am starting over from when I started recovery in '02 and I'm still working on it. If you are not handicapped by depression, you might find it a whole lot easier- and even very exciting!

I wish you the best future neighbor!

Welcome!!!

-ella

July 15, 2007
1:03 pm
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loverbee
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Thanks ella. Most of my friends are male and that may be part of the problem but I am feeling stuck because I haven't actually moved to the city yet and I am in the process of it right now. So that is the deal with me. I am sure I am going to do fine because I am a very outgoing person I just feel stuck right now.

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