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LOVER: THE THINGS I ADORE IN YOU
July 19, 2005
10:50 am
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littlebutterfly
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I needed to express the positive aspects of my husband, the things I love so that I would not feel it necessary to either succumb to contacting him just to have his momentary attention. I also need to stop berating him or emailing him about everything he has done to hurt me just to be heard and feel that “maybe he’ll love me if he will only just see how much pain he is causing me…” blah blah unhealthy blah… This thread is to express the love, not sexual feelings but genuine love I (and hopefully you) feel toward the abuser (or addict) in my live. It is meant to allow me and everyone else to express the positive feelings in a safe environment to people who are in as much need of love as I am (or we would not be clinging to and smother someone who repeatedly deems us unworthy of reciprocated love). I want everyone who is hurting and in pain to read what I write as though I am speaking to you of the things I love about YOU. I will read yours the same way. So that each of us can finally know our love is being gratefully received and felt another human being WITHOUT the need to make contact with the other person.

July 19, 2005
11:02 am
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littlebutterfly
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You make me laugh with your silly jokes. There are moments when I am with you that I feel so special and proud. You are so tall and handsome. Your eyes are beautiful and when they are focus on me and you smile I feel as though we can conquer the world together. I feel safe when you hold me and tell me you love me. I never want those moments to end. I felt as though nobody in the world understood me until I met you and you saw me for who I truly am. I felt no one in the world would ever accept me, until you said I was the one for you. It felt as though the world was against me, but that I could stand strong with you by my side. I want to be with you, I miss every moment we are apart. I wish you could hold me close forever while we share our deepest thoughts. I love it when you hear me and see me and still accept me. I love it when we know what the other is thinking. I love just being with you, just having your presence there. You are so strong. I love having your side pressed into mine as we look up at a billion stars in a black night sky: you warm me warm and the air cold. I remember seeing my first shooting star with you. Thank you for loving me, for hearing me for seeing me. Every moment of good you have given me has made me a better person. I want to grow old with you. I love it when you tell me I am beautiful; it makes my heart beat faster and I feel it, really feel it in my soul. Your good opinion of me makes me feel like nothing will ever be truly bad in my life, as though I can overcome any obstacle. I love you.

July 19, 2005
2:55 pm
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kathygy
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I'm sorry to say this but it sounds a little codependent. 'Your good opinion about me makes me feel...'
'I felt that no one in the world would ever accept me, until you said...' You can feel these good things without a man. You can give yourself everything you need. Its already within you. You don't need a man to feel like you can 'overcome any obstacle'. I'm not saying it doesn't feel great to be loved and be with the man you love but that's different from needing him to feel good about yourself and life.

love,
kathy

July 19, 2005
10:00 pm
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littlebutterfly
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First why are you apologizing for what you are saying? You are invalidating your own opinion.

You’re missing the point I think. The point is that that is exactly why I need to post my thoughts. My thoughts are valid, not to be dismissed, just as every other person’s positive thoughts about the abuser are valid. But I feel like you are dismissing this point and invalidating what I am trying to accomplish by not first seeking to understand me but rather to explain to me why I should not feel the way I do. I found it very helpful I think to see what I really am feeling about it in writing for all to read. In addition, I think it is best to say this here than to say it to him. That way it is said...

Funny thing is it was very freeing to write this. It made me cry and now... it is like I no longer have that bit of anger I did whenever I thought about the good things I want from him. Just like writing the mean things he did to me down gets them out of my head, writing the good ones down does too. It is amazing but it works. I found it very releasing.

Guess what? After writing that and facing the things I “missed” I have not thought about him all day! How freeing; you are welcome to try it if you wish. I also at some level think the anger comes from knowing that the good is what the abuser withholds as punishment. So to put it down here takes that power away. Does that make sense?

Anyway, I had no desire whatsoever to call him today and that is what posting this did for me. Well not until I found out he changed an important schedule behind my back without my consent and that yet another of his family members made a “secret” nasty comment to my three year old about me behind my back… that did make me give him a call to clarify my expectations and boundaries.

I also am well aware that no one else can give me these things. I am also well aware of the difference. What I am not aware of is that you are seeing me with the slightest bit of compassion or understanding. Instead I feel as though your first response is to judge me as in need of your help or being stupid or sadly ignorant by stating the obvious and treating what I stated I am trying to accomplish as though it is unnecessary.

July 19, 2005
10:26 pm
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starkist1956
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September 24, 2010
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The writing is good about how we feel ...I have written my ex so many letters of how I feel ...some are what I miss so much about him some are the anger and hurt I carry around in my heart..some of how things could be if only....it helps me sometimes ..I feel like I am going crazy ....he stopped listening to me long ago I just never gave up on him ...even now I havent let go ...so I write letters then burn them ,it helps at the time .....

July 20, 2005
12:07 am
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littlebutterfly
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Well starkist, I think telling everyone how you see the good things would help others who are codependent to see themselves. It sure would help me to not feel like I am the only one feeling these things. It is entirely up to you. I will hear you if you chose to post though.

July 20, 2005
9:57 am
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kathygy
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littlebutterfly,

"I'm sorry" is just an expression. I am not sorry for what I said. I was not invalidating my opinion. The codependency I saw in your letter stood out to me like a sore thumb. I just gave my honest reaction to your letter. I never said you are in need of my help. You are reading into what I said and what my intention was. I have no idea what your relationship was really like so I am not commenting on that. But I do have the right to express my honest opinion. You have the right not to like it.

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