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Love with no future
September 27, 2001
11:00 am
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Ladeska
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September 27, 2010
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What you "believe" - is the actions you "see". He's doing the old "push and pull" technique of manipulating someone. He gives you something you want, gets you used to it and then withdraws it, you come closer, he pushes it away, you respond like he wants, he comes closer, then for no apparent reason, he backs up and becomes distant again.

It's all about control and zero about him being "emotionally available" for you for whatever reason. So, you don't believe either - the push or the pull - but the combination of them together and what that means....

People want their cake and eat it, too. It's rather simple. And you have to decide if you want to be someone's cake and be depleted like Suds said.

Indecision about boundaries concerning your wellbeing can be extremely dangerous. People seen to think being fuzzy about erecting boundaries about what you will or will not tolerate in your life from other people - isn't all that bad. But, I say to you - read history. Whole civilizations get wiped out because - no one was guarding the door.

More than anything you need to ask yourself some questions regarding why it is okay for you to go chasing after someone who is clearly giving you signals of not being emotionally available for you. No man or woman will "respect" a person who doesn't have boundaries and allows themselves to be pulled around by the hair. In fact, over time, most people learn to despise this weakness in someone and will abuse you greatly in one way or another and feel like you deserve it and have it coming.

Write down what you want in a man and look at it often, changing it from time to time. Put down absolutes about what you want and you don't want and stick to it. Look at the list the minute you meet someone and become interested. It will help keep you straight before you start getting fuzzy and driven by hormones. (smile)

September 27, 2001
10:43 pm
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suds
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When you say, "I am doing just that"...i don't know what that is.What does wallace want? Are you gonna allow yourself and your EMOTIONS to be jerked around all the time? you get excited because you're with him but if he's distant and cold, you get hurt.
My priest friend shared this with me: I have control of my thoughts. Nothing (or Nobody)can upset me today unless I choose to let it(or him).This is very important. Wallace, i am madly in love with my exboyfriend and i was (and still tend to be) like this. Because he is the one married, I am at his schedule's mercy. He may be distant because of some pressures from the wife and kids and get affected. Do I want this? Love him! Yes! but
dont (never!) make your world revolve around him. you cannot be at his mercy. submitting to his whims. And Wallace, who is making the decision here? who is saying the YES or NO? it's you, right? then why will your decision depend on what or how he will react? My ex boyfriend is a loveand relationship addict and I'm (and his wife) his codependent. But I must take care of ME. What is best for me? ask yourself that.

September 27, 2001
11:03 pm
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suds
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Gingerleigh your tips, by the way, for taking one day at a time is so true. "do something nice for yourself!" exactly!
Ladeska---i agree with your push and pull, etc. I'll be reading on after this. 🙂

wallace, love is a decision. please remember that. you are in pain and if this guy loves you, he wont allow you to suffer. me and the man i love parted ways because of our love for each other. we cannot just stand there and see each other deplete, deteriorate before our eyes.True love is never having to force things...it will just flow.If it's meant...then well and good.

I have not let go of him in my heart because he will remain a part of me BUT that fact will not and should not put my life on hold, waiting for him and hoping for the right time. I love him BUT i love ME too. And he is the same way. He loves me but he needs to love himself too by getting better and getting sober.Otherwise, we will be two selfish people. Cuz you see, if you force things...and say, you end up together, the guilt feelings, the frustrations and disappointments will come out and sooner or later, you will be taking that out on each other. be realistic.

It is still early. and besides, he hasn't shown what he really feels for you right? has he? are you both so deep into it already? are you already physically, mentally and emotionally intimate?

September 28, 2001
4:51 am
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wallace
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Suds, we are not physically intimate. He has never tried to make it so. He says he misses me after I asked him directly. Then he said he couldn't understand why I was asking. He has never said whether I am important to him or not. When I have said how much I miss him when we are apart, he didn't reciprocate. I don't know when I will be seeing him again, now. He said that he will be in touch, but every time he says that, I get overwhelmed by the fear that I have lost him and end up contacting him. His ego must be so inflated.

September 28, 2001
11:18 am
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wallace
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He said that he'd call in a couple of weeks, but I'm happier with something definite. But he seems to like arranging things last moment. So I am on edge waiting for him to call all the time, never knowing wether he will. Then I end up calling him. I worry about smothering him.

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