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Love with no future
September 18, 2001
8:14 pm
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wallace
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Hello. I'm new to this. I have met and fallen for a guy who I have found out is with someone else. We have dinner together about once every 2 weeks, nothing else. I want more than this but I am afraid to push for it in case he rejects me. Do you think there is a future for us? Why would he see me regularly and not tell his partner if he didn't like me in that way? If he loved her, he wouldn't be seeing me, would he? Do you think he cares and respects me? I'm confused about what he wants. Could anyone offer some advice please.

September 18, 2001
8:31 pm
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gingerleigh
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Do you want a relationship with this man, or just someone to have dinner with every once in a while? If it's just dinner, no issue. But, you said you want something more. You won't get it from this one, and if you do, do you really want to be with someone who is a two-timer?

Does he have feelings for you?

September 18, 2001
9:32 pm
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Molly
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Good advice Gingerleigh.

September 19, 2001
1:38 pm
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wallace
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I want to have something with this guy. I don't know if he has feelings for me. How can I tell. I can't ask him outright as I don't think I could stand the rejection.

September 19, 2001
1:54 pm
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Ladeska
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Wallace....why would you choose/select someone that is obviously unavailable for you, who is obviously untrustworthy? Why would you put yourself in that kind of position with very plain and obvious scenario already drawn - that reeks of pain down the road?

Is this all your worth?

September 19, 2001
2:08 pm
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gingerleigh
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So from what it sounds like, this man hasn't tried to "busta move" on you, just being friends with you, but you are developing feelings for him. (Let's not even get back into the can men and women be friends discussion...)

I would recommend that you stay away. If he has no feelings for you and you blurt out your heart, that will put him in a pretty uncomfortable spot. If he does have feelings for you, then he has to choose between you. If he doesn't have feelings for you, then he has to try to figure out if he can still be friends with you without leading you on. And you will always be waiting and wondering if there is a chance.

Plus, thinking about the other girl, if you are knowingly entertaining thoughts about him, I have to say that that's a pretty sh*tty thing to do on your part. YOU KNOW BETTER. Imagine how you would feel if you were her and got left for another woman who was "just a friend". I've had it happen to me, and it sucks.

And then, the eternal question... what about you? All my questions have been "what about him? what about her?" What about you? As Ladeska poses, aren't you worth more than that?

September 19, 2001
5:41 pm
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wallace
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Gingerleigh, Ladeska, Thankyou for you replies. Gingerleigh, I cried when I read your reply. It hurts like hell when he talks about her. I have cried about it more than once. I really like this guy. I don't feel strong enough to let him go. Please help me to let go.

September 19, 2001
6:06 pm
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Molly
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So, why not start with a list of what your dream man would look like?
This guy knows you know he is seeing some one so he most likely knows your going to put up with just about anything. You are falling into a trap. Who knows why we do these things sometimes, but its easier to jump off the horse while your still in the stable, before your out in the pasture. Time and emotions are a very precious thing, neither should be wasted, but heck its your life. The main thing for you to know that as you continue, or choose to pick a path of pain, you have no idea what the consequences are going to be, depression, weight gain, confusion, aging, and baggage, lots and lots of baggage.
There is a flame, we told you it will burn you, are you willing to accept that as truth, or do you really have to touch it and get burned????

September 19, 2001
6:56 pm
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Ladeska
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Wallace....more likely the deal is - you don't want to look at why this would be okay to accept a man like this into your life - rather than - you're not strong enough to let him go.... If you're going to expend energy and strength - might as well put it to good use, right?

So when you do come up with a good huge puff of that - why not dwell on the answer to the question - why is this all you're worth? I mean there's an over abundance of men out there who will use you, toy with you, date 5 women at once and tell each one of them - you are my only...but uh...why choose - that guy?

Does it reinforce something you believe to be true about you? And if so - where did that come from?

September 20, 2001
1:53 am
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Same
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Hi,

I know I am not suitable to give comment here because I am the wife of a husband who is seeing another woman. However, I just need to let you know I have been hurt deeply just because there is another woman having the same thinking as yours. You think you can develop a future with a married man without caring what you have done to another woman. Just put yourself in her position and think what would you feel if you were her. Would you like another woman to do this to you, your sister or your loved one? If he is a divoirced man, I would have encourage your to go ahead, but pls remember, he is a married man and he belongs to another woman. I hope you can understand because you are a woman too. Why hurt another fellow sister for your own pleasure.

September 20, 2001
2:27 am
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gypsygirl
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same, I believe that you are suitable to give comment. It is not your fault that he is seeing another woman.
wallace, give him up. he is just not the one. I have been the other woman, have come between the bond of marriage. It will cause you pain for the rest of your life if you do not give him up now. even if he is not married to this girl, he still has the bond of a relationship. sometimes that is stronger than marriage. it is just not worth it. you are better than that. you deserve to be the one and only girl in a mans heart.

September 20, 2001
3:06 am
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Same
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Hi Gypsygirl,
Thanks for your comforting words. However, I believe I do have fault that contribute problem to the relationship. I have given him too much freedom without mixing into his circle of friends. Now what I want is for him to give our relationship a chance to work on. I will not drag on my problem as this thread belongs to wallace's. I had started a thread named, "Would a marriage be blessed ..." and I welcome any comments there.

Hi Wallace,
I am sorry that my previous comment may seem too harsh on you. However, I just want you to know that getting involved in a married man's life will not only cause pain to his wife, but also to yourself. So pull yourself out of the mess before you sink too deep into it.

September 20, 2001
8:08 am
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sue2001
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Wallace I am the "wife" also and I have been there I know what it feels like for there to be another woman. I also know what it is like after everything has run its course and trust me you and him will most likely never have more than eight or nine months if he was to ever have any thing with you. Let me see from that affair there were 10 people that have been directly hurt by that affair.... me and our kids, her and their child, him, my parents were there to support me.. His mother there to help me... the other womans mother introduced my husband to her because she was already seeing my husbands best friend behind her husbands back so her husband... her husband and the other two of thier children the other wife of the friend that was cheating with the mother.... all of it was to much for one mother to deal with and she had a heart attack.... do you see the web the mess it is not worth it... see there is so much to lose and so many people to hurt, just leave him alone... I don't think there is enough of anything in the world worth causing all that much pain.....

September 20, 2001
11:16 am
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pam g fu
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Wallace,

Is this what you really want? To be second? Remember you are in control of your life and if you choose to be second you can't complain. There is a big world out there and there is someone out there who will be number one in your life, but you need to open that door and shut the other one first.

Good luck

September 20, 2001
2:37 pm
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gingerleigh
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Hi Wallace,

I didn't mean to make you cry, but I am glad that you are aware of the effects that this can have on other people and especially on YOU.

I can give you some practical advice on how to "let go". You do it one day at a time (jeeeezus I hate that phrase). And you reward yourself for sticking to it each day. For instance, pick something that you really like that is small enough that you could do every day. I don't recommend food or alcohol on this, but maybe something like a phone call to a best friend who lives far away or a long hot bath or a manicure... and also think of a couple of bigger things like a new sweater or a quick weekend trip or night out with the girls to look forward to once a week. So for every day that you do not call him or contact him, do something small that is nice for yourself. And when you make it an entire week, do the extra nice thing. You also might try... whenever the urge to talk to him strikes, write in a journal or go for a run or something. Just distract yourself. Preferaby do something physical. Go for a walk, or hit the gym. 🙂 Just do something to distract yourself.

Heck, maybe just join a class or a club that would meet during the nights that you usually have dinner with your friend. Maybe distracting yourself with another pretty face would help, and what better way to get out and meet other potential candidates than through a common interest?

September 20, 2001
2:44 pm
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Ladeska
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Good website you guys might enjoy:

http://www.passiveaggressive.h.....ndWhy.html

September 24, 2001
12:13 pm
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wallace
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Thanks everyone for your replies. They are all deeply appreciated. I have just read the thread " Loneliness is eating me alive". I'm beginning to realise that the reason I am taking all this S**t off this guy is not becasue I love him but because deep down I'm lonely too. I guess that he is distracting me from my own life (or lack of it) and that despite all the heartache he is causing, its better than what I had before. He leads a full life, that's probably why he doesn't mind not seeing me for ages, whereas I don't so I notice the time from when we last met. I've tried different things, gone down the gym but nothing seems to fulfil me. Any suggestions?

September 24, 2001
1:37 pm
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Molly
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Self love, self respect, goal oriented behavior. Do something , for your self, where you can see the results. Take a class and finish it, make a garden and watch it grow. Visit old people, and make their day, mentor a child, do something that makes a difference, you will reap rewards that will help you discover you, while eliminating that bordom,that causes you to seek distraction. It really does work.

September 24, 2001
5:46 pm
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Ladeska
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If you can't be alone with yourself and enjoy your own company and know what you like to do just on your own - then you can Forget ever being in a healthy relationship with someone else. You're obviously looking to the other person to be the one that "fills you up til your cup overfloweth".....um, nope - won't work. They'll get tired of it, you'll never get what you want from them and eventually you'll blow up and go do it somewhere else, with someone else.

It's a vicious circle. The only way to opt out of it - is to get to "know you". Learn how to be with yourself instead of being in the frame of mind that - life won't be fulfilled until you find that perfect person. Well....perfect people - don't exist and the person that fills all your needs - really, really doesn't exist and if he does - he's a charmer and a good actor - temporarily - Run.

People don't belong on pedestals. It's too big of a responsibility for mortal men or women. And when they fall off - we hate them for it and hate ourselves for picking them. Isn't fair, is it? Not to anyone involved. Do yourself a favor - be complete Before - you involve someone in your life. Then...you'll come closer to picking someone that compliments and stands beside you as an equal.

September 26, 2001
1:38 am
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suds
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Hi Wallace. just think of what is best for yourself. Do you deserve to have less or more? A few minutes ago, me and the man i love had our last conversation. He is married and not only that, he is also an addict (which makes the situation more difficult). I have a thread, incidentally. If you love each other, you will both let go...for if it is meant...you don't even have to exert too much effort for you to be finally together.
As for Same, what you're feeling is normal for a wife whose husband went astray. It may or may not be your fault but definitely there's something lacking in the relationship, and most often it is not necessarily sex. whatever it is, in the final analysis, we have no control of another person's emotions. what we can control is ourselves. So maybe the guy saw something in Wallace that filled his emotional need. whatever.
But Wallace, do what is best for you...for this moment in your life and in the long run.And is it worth it? is it worth fighting for?

September 26, 2001
5:16 am
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wallace
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Thanks Suds. Thanks Ladeska & Molly. I find it really difficult to talk to people about my feelings and what is deeply bothering me. I am a very private person inside. Until I found this site, I carried all this around within, unable to share it with anyone. Whenever I have tried to share it, my trust has not been there or I can't find the words. I have experienced such great support from this site. I don't think you guys can appreciate what its like to finally be able to share this and have your opinions and advice. Its like a great weight shared. Thanks.

September 26, 2001
8:37 am
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shades
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I would stay away from this man period. He is obviously lying to his girlfriend and will lye to you if you were is girlfriend. He wants his cake and eat it too. He doesn't sound like much of a man to me.

September 26, 2001
10:04 pm
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suds
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Wallace, not getting what you really deserve---the undivided love,attention, care, security, etc.--will deplete you especially if you are giving your all and you have expectations for that relationship. if you want to compromise and settle for what he CAN give you in his capacity and present status, well...that is your choice. really. it will always be your call. Wallace alone will know what is best for Wallace. The setup might/ may cause you to deteriorate. You may have painted a perfect picture of the two of you together (no longer sharing him with anybody)in the future and you are holding on to this picture....until you just deplete.What if it will not become a reality? think of the NOW...

September 27, 2001
6:00 am
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wallace
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Suds, I am doing just that. I saw him the other day. He called me the day before & like a fool, I jumped at the opportunity to see him. He was cool towards me. Complete opposite to the last time we met. I'm so confused. He seemed distant, and when I tried to arrange another date, he was really vague. I almost thought he was trying to phase me out. Yet when I ask if he wants to end it, he says no. His words and his actions give different messages. His words are saying yes, his actions are saying no. Which do I believe?

September 27, 2001
10:41 am
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Alena
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Choose not to believe either. Choose to believe in yourself and YOU make the decisions in your life. Choose to stay away from him, be prepared when he calls to say "no thanks", "see ya" you will feel better, in the long run. YOu will feel a great release, a great sense of control. Right now, you're letting him control your feelings and that's why you are so confused. It's not what you want to feel. Don't even take his calls, let the machine or voice mail pick up and just let it go. Go back and read this whole thread again and see how he is playing you. He is with someone else, where the heck does he get off controling and playing with your mind and heart like he is??? Do all the things Molly has suggested and get him off of your mind, get focused on helping yourself and someone else who needs your friendly smile to brighten their day. There's much more worth in you than you know. This guy is not worth one more tear, or one more worry.

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