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love no more
September 27, 2009
8:22 pm
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change time
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I have found myself in a relationship that I just can't "fix" or get out of. I have been with this man almost 13 yrs and we have 4 wonderful kids together. In a nut shell: he calls me names, ignores me, has been physical a few times, has tried to force me to have sex 2 times, and the list goes on. For some reason I keep trying to be the perfect person that he will love, but in trying to be his perfect person I have lost who I am. I have few friends, I rarely talk to my family, and am sad a lot. I could use some help with what to do next. Thanks

September 27, 2009
11:02 pm
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chelonia mydas
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(((Change time)))

Welcome to AAC. I'm sorry you are in this situation. You deserve so much better than this.

Have you considered counseling? I was in an unhappy marriage with many complications too and sought counseling. I ended up divorcing because we just couldn't work it out, but at least by the time it got to that point, I knew I had given it every chance of making it that I could.

After the divorce I have rediscovered myself and am so much happier. Not saying that it can't happen in a marriage too, but both of you have to be ready to grow and change together. My ex wasn't, he had a good thing going with a wife who took care of things and molded to his wishes. When I asked for change, I was asking him to consider me in the equation and that was just too much for him. If he had been someone I would have been happy with for the rest of my life, I would still be married. But once I discovered that he was selfish and not willing to have a marriage that factored both of our needs and wants I got out. Looking back two years late, it was the best thing I could have done.

Some books that helped me alot are Codependent No More by Melody Beattie and Women who love too much by Robin Norwood.

This site has been a huge support for me throughout the process. I hope you find it to be as helpful. I'm here to listen and support you on your healing journey.

September 28, 2009
9:09 am
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change time
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Thanks for the support. I feel strong enough some days to end it then I wimp out and try to fix everything… I know I’m not in a good relationship, I would tell anyone else to get out, but I’m in a cycle than I don’t know how to break. What kind of counselor should I go to?

Thanks for the book ideas, I'm going to the store on my lunch hour :o)

September 28, 2009
10:35 am
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Anonymous
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Hello Change Time,

And welcome. I am sorry you are in pain, but pain is also a great motivating factor for change 🙂

Along with the books Chelonia Mydas mentioned, I found "The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships" by Patrick Carnes to be very helpful.

Also, take a look at http://www.drirene.com Her website on abusive relationships is excellent. She has a section on resources, online stories, and "the catbox" is a discussion area.

Getting out of an abusive relationshp is really challenging and takes time. Abuse causes a person to doubt him/herself.

This site is wonderful for support and for gathering informed advice.

Take good care of yourself. You do deserve to be treated with kindness, consideration and respect ALWAYS!

Moon & Stars

September 28, 2009
9:51 pm
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truthBtold
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((((change time))))

So sorry that you are going thru this right now.

My thoughts are with you.

September 29, 2009
9:27 am
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atalose
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September 24, 2010
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change,

Sorry to hear of the circumstances that have brought you here to ACC, but I am glad you are here. There is so much support, experience and knowledge from many who have gone through similar type marriages and relationships.

I hope you stick around so you will begin to have MORE STRONG DAYS and less wimpy ones!!!!! Believe me when I say, we’ve all been there!!!!!

((change))

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

September 29, 2009
10:17 am
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mamacinnamon
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Change time:

I'm sorry to hear of this. Honestly, sounds just like me awhile back. I truly do feel for ya.

I finally stood up and said counseling or I'm out the door. He actually went. Totally surprised me. I think he did it coz he thought it would appease me and I'd stay. We went to counseling for a bit over a year and yes, he made some changes but not in the one area I needed the change and that was in having a relationship. I have since left home but we are still married. I am away working on my health but it was made known under no uncertain terms that when I do come home I'll not stay if I cannot have what I need in our marriage. Time will tell that one.

My point to you is this. Until I started standing up for myself, until I said no more, until I said enough things didn't change.

It was not until my daughter, 13 then, asked me if we could divorce dad coz her friends won't come over coz he's mean to me and I'm always sad. That was my wakeup call.

It didn't come easy. It has taken since then to get to where I am now, 3 years, and I had some true help from a lady I met teaching me what real marriage is all about and that I don't have to put up w/ what I was living. I'm a bit slower at getting things than others, but I got it.

I won't lie to you on this. At any point he could have just walked away but he didn't.

You have to decide what you are willing to do and live w/ before you do anything. For me, my child asking to move into her aunt's home (who she is not fond of anyway) was enough to make me sit down and think. Also, I stayed in this marriage because I had myself convinced I had no other options. I cannot work or drive coz of an illess so how could I support myself. I have learned there are ALWAYS options even if you don't like them.

I think a good place for you to start is to check things out here. Please remember tho to take the parts you can use and leave the rest. Also, get the book Codependcency No More by Melodie Beattie and read it; all of it.

I do wish you the very best and hope to speak to you again.

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