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Love, Marriage and Adultery
June 19, 2007
3:41 pm
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Time4Me
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I haven’t been on here in a while but am in need of some most helpful advice from all of my friends here.

I don’t know where to begin with this; it’s still very difficult for me to talk about. I have recently started seeing a man whom I’ve fallen deeply in love with. We have so much in common from our children to our childhood up bringing. We both have been in and left our abusive spouses only to return to them again and again. I strongly believe that he feels the same for me as I do him even though we don’t discuss it. We talk everyday and see each other at least 3-4 times a week. There’s two problems that I have though; the first being that we are both co-dependent on our abusive spouses and are afraid to leave our marriage and the second one being that my job has offered me a promotion to a new location in another state. Is it at all possible to be in love and be happy with someone that is and probably always will be in a marriage that they themselves are miserable in and want out of? Or am I just dreaming and wishing for the impossible? Don’t get me wrong, I would never split up a home where there was happiness and love, but in both of our situations there hasn’t been either of those in years.

Please be honest with your responses, I am able to handle all criticisms.

Time4Me

June 19, 2007
3:50 pm
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StronginHim77
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I really believe that you need to learn to be alone and comfortable with yourself, while doing the work of recovery from codependency (this includes therapy, as well as joining a support group, such as CODA) for at least a year or more, before jumping into another relationship. What you are doing is trading one "addiction" to a toxic partner for -- yet another -- fix (translation: another man).

Having faced similar choices in my own life, I can honestly say from experience that such a scenario is bad news. I would suggest that each of you EXIT YOUR TOXIC MARRIAGES, learn to live independently, seeking treatment for your codependency issues, sustain a friendship, then see how it goes in a year or so. Right now, you are (1) committing adultery (which never benefits ANYONE involved, in the long haul) and grabbing onto a "fix" (i.e., another man), rather than facing yourself and getting the help you need.

- Ma Strong

June 19, 2007
3:51 pm
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brownie
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Hi time4me,

This is kind of difficult for me to answer because i am into spirituality.The reason is that i would have said that you both should get a divorce but that is not for me to say that so i think the best way is to stay in the marriage unless there is physical abuse?is there?because that is a different story.If you and this person that your in love with is going thru that then your should depart from the marriage but otherwise if its just verbal then its best to stay in the marriage and see if your can get therapy for your marriage.THis is why i say this is very difficult to say cuz i also have been in a verbal abuse marriage.At one time my husband had physically abused me years ago but verbally abusive ever since then and i could not get a divorce at the time till now since he has committed adultery.Over the years though we have went to therapy but stopped going.So why don't you tell us more about the situation with the abuse.Then i can definitely be able to tell you something or maybe someone else can.EIther way i do wish you well and keep me posted.

June 19, 2007
4:00 pm
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atalose
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Time,

I think you have been handed an opportunity to move away from an unhappy loveless marriage, co-dependency and being in love with a man who will never fully be available to you. Take this opportunity and accept this promotion, move to a new start in life.

Ma is right, you need to learn how to be happy alone before you can ever be happy with someone else.

Think about this second chance at life you are being offered.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

June 19, 2007
4:05 pm
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fantas
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Time, Since you asked for honesty, I will start with that. There are so many red flags in this situation that I am not sure where to begin, the codependency with the spouses you are still both married to is a huge one, seeking companionship outside of your marriage, you both have very dysfunctional backgrounds, you are dealing with abuse and staying in these relationships out of fear, neither one of you sounds happy at the moment. If you pursue this relationship at this point, you are definitely headed for trouble. I think you both should first find the courage to leave the abusive marriages you are in, seek counselling to heal from the trauma from the abuse and learn how to love yourself and if after all that you still feel you are in still deeply in love, you should start a relationship. Neither one of you is ready for a new relationship. I think that your affair is your inner child crying for help... Please keep posting. We will definitely be here for you 🙂

June 19, 2007
4:13 pm
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Zinnie
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Well if you go to be with this guy - he is cheating on his wife with you. What makes you think he would be "true" to you - after all, how did you meet him?

June 19, 2007
4:14 pm
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fantas
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I think we all posted at the same time...Brownie, I have to very respectfully disaagree with what you said about only leaving a marriage if there is physical abuse. Verbal abuse is just as hurtful, demeaning, demoralizing as physical abuse if not more so. Those partners who have learned the repurcussions of physical abuse to their professional and social life result to verbal abuse because they know there is nothing anyone can do to them legally. Often times, verbal abuse is a precursor to physical abuse. Noone has the right to abuse another and more importantly, noone should take it from anyone.

June 19, 2007
4:24 pm
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bevdee
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My opinion is that any time there is abuse- even verbal - that negates the "vows" that the abuser swore to uphold. The abuser is the one who violated any sanctity of marriage.

June 19, 2007
4:56 pm
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jv63
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bevdee
2 wrongs don't make a right and 2 halves don't make a whole

June 19, 2007
4:56 pm
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courage to change
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I dont really know any specific answers to any of this really, but I do wish you luck.
Best wishes x

June 19, 2007
5:03 pm
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glittered when he walked
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hmm..seems to me no matter which path you choose it should always be the one that makes things healthier.

so if you choose to stay married...work on your marriage and your codependency.

alternatively, if you choose to get divorced, then get divorced and work on your codependency.

I think the paths to avoid are "stay married and do nothing about making it better" and "get divorced and do nothing about making yourself wiser."

The question is so intensely subjective and personal it can only be fully answered by you, and you alone.

Just know that whichever path you choose, as long as it on the path to healthy you have made the right choice.

June 19, 2007
5:26 pm
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bevdee
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JVC

"2 wrongs don't make a right" That's profound. Does one wrong make the marriage less wrong? Is seeking happiness outside a situation that has been unhappy wrong if it implies going against some morality?

Time4me- The only caution I would offer is that if this man is still married and you continue to see him, he will be unavailable to you emotionally. And that's not healthy either. It's gonna hurt, eventually, and you will probably have some healing to do from the abusive marriage. Long- distance relationships are difficult too, because he would be physically unavailable.

I wish you luck, too.

June 19, 2007
6:55 pm
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Time4Me
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I want to thank everyone for their responses. They are all being taken to heart. I know this is going to be a difficult decision for me to make either way and I do need to worry about my health.

I will keep everyone updated as to what happens. My heart tells me to hold on to the one I truely love while my head is telling me to move.

Time4Me

June 19, 2007
9:26 pm
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taj64
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Hello. I was the other woman in a relationship. I too fell for him pretty hard. He said the same. he ended up staying with his wife as he made the commitment to her. It does not matter that their relationship was abusive at times. He still stayed with her. What I am sensing is that maybe this man does have feelings for you but he is not making plans with you. My health started to suffer the longer I went on with this situation. I really have never been the same since. I still hold strong feelings for him even though it was over 2 years ago that I even saw him. Once ingrained in the heart, it is there. But I also made a commitment to my own self since then. I do not regret it at all, meeting him, getting involved because take away all of it, I still love him for who he was and all levels. But as hard as it all was, when you get married and have kids the commitment you make is there, through thick and think. Marriage is for two people and it is up to the two to decide to end or continue. Let it be would be my suggestion. Let him work it out. let her work it out and you just go on and work on your own self and your own marriage. If it is meant to be, it will but I honestly do not sense this man planning a life with you. If he did, he would do it and he is not. Actions speak louder than words. All the talking and cuddling etc might seem like it is just right but you must deal with the real first and not focus on fantasy.Until you actually live with the guy you don't really know what he is like. There is a reason why his marriage is bad and also yours. Doesn't mean yours will be any better. things always seem rosier on the other side especially since things have been so bad for years. Fix one problem at a time. Don't jump from one fire to another. Get out of this marriage if you are that unhappy. Be alone for awhile then make a decision. I don't see this guy as being active, just trying to enjoy something outside of his terrible marriage. And just because he said it is bad doesnt mean it is really that bad or else he would have left right? If is really bad, you just leave. Anyway, i think you need to think a lot. Gain perspective. Fantasy isn't going to last. Take the focus of all this and put it on yourself.

June 28, 2007
3:15 pm
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Time4Me
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I promised I would keep everyone updated as to what was going on in my life, so here it is in a nut shell.

I have decided not to take the job out of state, I'm a little nervous about starting over in a new city all alone. If this would have came into my life 6 months ago I would have jumped at it in a heart beat.

As for the man I am seeing that is married, I have almost come to the conclusion that it would be in my best interest not to have him in my life anymore. The only thing stopping me is the love that I hold for him. I did meet someone new who is a bit younger than I am, I should say 20 years to be exact, that I could easily spend my time with and hopefully be able to pull away from the man I'm seeing. The only problem is that I do not want to hurt him in any way just so that I can gain freedom from a situation that I'm not strong enough to walk away from.

I really could use some advice right now, I feel so lost and scared.

June 28, 2007
5:39 pm
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glittered when he walked
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You don't want to hurt who? the new guy? Why would you hurt him necessarily? Are you only using him? Why do you need someone else to breakfree of this married man? If you must see one man to break with another, then I think you would do well to inform the new guy that your relationship with him is one day at a time and you aren't looking for an LTR.
I'm not asking these questions as judgments, but to get you thinking about what is good for you. perhaps don't use anyone? One trick might be to tell yourself..it's not that I'm severing all contact with the married man for the rest of my life, but just for today. perhaps focus on today alone. then do the same thing the next day. Granted it's not as easy as it sounds, but no one will judge you harshly for trying...rather I think you will find people will support you eagerly.

June 28, 2007
6:04 pm
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nappy
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Question:

Have you put your life on hold for this married man?

See the married man is just that, married. He has someone else. He has that person that he can go to with his problems, or share a laugh with or even just wanting a hug from. She is right there in that house with him. Her name is THE WIFE.

You on the other hand is wasting your life with this married man.
Find you someone that will love you.
Nappy!

June 28, 2007
6:33 pm
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Shaney
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Hey time -

I broke up with my boyfriend of over five years... not because I wanted to or because I didn't still love him... but because the relationship was toxic and going nowhere. I was wasting my life.

I had a chance to relocate for a job, and I took it without a second thought. That move was the best thing that I had ever done for myself. I left a very small town, and with it, I left my very small-minded sense of what I thought was important. Once I moved, sure, there were times that I was lonely, because I moved knowing only a couple of people that I worked with. But the blessing was that I HAD to rely on myself. No more crutches. I actually discovered who I really was. I became secure and independent. And as I became a happier, more content person, I began to make more friends and I began to date. I felt strong.

It's been 8 years since I moved from that town, and although I've had my ups and downs, I'm glad I took that leap of faith. It was worth it. I'm married now, and have never looked back.

My hope is that you seize the opportunities that are presented to you, so you never look back on your life regretfully, wishing that you had taken a chance, or made better decisions. Men are plentiful - it would be a shame to put your life on hold for one that is already taken. Take control of your life while you still have time to live it. :o)

June 28, 2007
7:37 pm
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ebonylibra
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Take care of yourself. meaning you have to start seeing yourself outside of him. It's said I know, but think of it like a funeral - you have to write a nice letter, placing the fun times, and then end with the sad times, say your good byes to the person and then bury the letter. Don't go back to get it and don't go back to get him. I know because I am the married woman. Most of the time - they never leave us - too many things tied up like (financial) etc. So we make it harder for them to go. Then you become the release valve, but then where is your freedom and release. Set your self free and find some thing to volunteer for, help someone else get free. You don't deserve to share, you neer get the full end of the stick - and he will deny you like Peter die Jesus if he is caught.

June 29, 2007
6:54 am
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taj64
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Hi. I was in love with a married man. It has been over for more than 2 years now. I still think about him everyday. I still love him but it was a very painful experience. He is still with his wife. I agree with the above post because that is it wife. He cheated on her a few times before me. He loves her too. He loved me for different reason. Yes most of the time they do not leave. There is a reason why there is that statement Married men like their cake and eat it too. As long as you take the focus and put it on you, you can stay on ground. I do still think of my ex all the time but I also put myself first and realize if he cheats on his wife this way, he is probably cheating with someone else and also would end up cheating on you. The odds are fairly high. You don't really want this man. And this wife, you would end up like her, holding on and not caring about your own needs or self respect. This guy isn't anything to love, it is just the dream of love. Find yourself a guy that will return it. But make sure you are not just settling. And you mentioned you not wanting to hurt him, what about all the hurt he causes YOU and HER. Oh please, wake up because you are so too valuable and have love to give but giving it to someone who is NOT AVAILABLE. You deserve better. IF that man wanted to be with you, he would, nothing would stop him, including that wife. And then if she kicked him out, you would get him out of default. I'd look into why you want to keep on with it. You CAN do better and dating and comparing might help you to realize he is not all that.

July 6, 2007
11:41 am
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Time4Me
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I did it…I told the wife that I was still seeing her husband and that he just wanted to be friends for right now with me because he didn’t know what he wanted. I knew that the only way to end the roller coaster relationship that he and I were on was to confront her with everything, make him hate me for it to the point that he would not want to talk to me or see me ever again and it worked. Now I’m sitting here all alone hurt wondering if I did the right thing or not. I didn’t want to hurt him the way I did and I’m so worried about how he’s doing. Now comes the crazy shit though, the more I know that he’s working it out with her the more I want to hurt him still because he’s not thinking of me at all. He told me the night I did all of this that he didn’t love me nor did he love his wife, if that’s the case then why is he trying to make it work with her? Is it his own codependency issues that he’s fighting with there? I have yahoo instant messages between him and I where he said that he didn’t love his wife and I want to send them to her so bad just so she can see the real him and not get used the way I did. Would that be the right thing for me to do or not? If not, how do I walk away without ever looking back at him or our relationship? I’m hurting so bad right now, I just wish he knew and understood what it was exactly that he did to me. He say’s he feels betrayed and that I did this all out of revenge, I didn’t though…I did it out of love and respect for myself…I knew I needed to get away from him for good and this was the only way I knew how to do it and make it work for good.

Thanks for listening everyone, this site has really helped me out a lot.
Time4Me

July 6, 2007
12:41 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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time4me,

I think you outed him enough.

Whatever goes on with him from here on out is out of your hands and really none of your place to be involved in.

he may have convinced her that it was not true, who knows.

but if he doesn't love her, she will figure it out in time...it's hard to "hide" that, and now that she suspects he has been unfaithful, she will be more careful and watchful.

focus on you and your healing...getting revenge is a waste of time and ends up blowing up in your face more times than not...makes you look like the crazy one, makes you look like you may ahve started it.

so, steer clear of them and focus on your healing.

July 6, 2007
12:47 pm
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CAMER
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see, you even mentioned getting away from him...you stepped up to the plate and told the truth, yeah, his wife or him may not have liked hearing what they did, but you spoke the truth.

Now its time to work on yourself, and yes, you will miss him, but what parts do you miss??? he cheated, he lied, that doesn't say alot about his
character.

Hug yourself, and leave him and his wife alone now, words may have been said by him, cuz he was pissed off, and was caught...let things settle, try to get a clear head & keep posting......(((camer))))

July 6, 2007
1:11 pm
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atalose
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What's been said has been said, what's been done has been done its all in the past now and nothing can change that.

So what if he's working it out with his wife? I know that hurts you but revenge is not your answer it will only continue the hurt.

If you truely did this out of love and respect for yourself then just walk away with that respect.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 6, 2007
1:26 pm
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lettingo
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Did you by chance she the Oprah show yesterday. It was on the other women in adultry. And they ALWAYS say they don't love their wives. But the truth is, they do and are just using you. It sounds like you are angry and hurt and are trying to lash out at the wife. She didn't DO ANYTHING. Just because he choses to stay with her. That is the gamble you take when you entered into this relationship. I was the other women in a three year relationship. Actually one of the biggest regrets of my life. He said the same thing, he didn't love his wife, blah, blah, blah. It maybe hard, but brush yourself off and walk away. I don't understand your comment " I just wish he knew and understood what it was exactly that he did to me". You KNEW he was married and YOU CHOSE to play with fire. Time will heal this. Just step away and do the right thing for yourself. The doctor on the Oprah show said you should feel insulted when a married man pursues you. SO TRUE! And are you sure you told his wife out of "love and respect" for yourself. Maybe you did it so he would make a choice and choose you and now that that didn't happen you are angry and hurt. Personally, I think you could have found the "strength" without having to hurt the wife.

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