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Lost/Confused
June 11, 2006
5:48 am
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asc9
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Im 26 and for over a year was seeing a 40 yr old, who was seperated from her husband. They have a 10 yr old boy. She had been in a rotten marriage and we got on really well. However deep down i felt that in the long run the age gap was too big (she agreed), so we just lived for the moment.

I then met someone my own age through work. I explained to her about the older woman and also explained to the to the older woman that our relationship had to stop & why. Me and the older woman already had some tickets for a couple of gigs, so i said to her that i would still keep to my commitments and we would go. However this caused huge arguemsnt with my girlfriend as she accused me of putting my ex before her. Me and the older woman agreed we would still be friends.

As the months went on me and my girlfriend kept having rows about the older woman. Whilst she was just a friend I don't think my girlfriend got over me keeping those couple of initial commitments with my ex. I ended my relationship with my girlfiend after 6 months as couldn't take the rows anymore. 4 months have since passed.

I am still currently single. I get on so well with the older woman, but know due to the age gap it can never be. My ex (the girl my age) and me start to get on really well and almost get back together, then she brings up the older woman. I still love her and want to be with her, but don't want to lose the older woman out of my life as we are such great friends.

Am i trying to have my cake and eat it? Should i just put my ex first & tell the older woman to get out of my life (which would break my heart)?

My heart says the older woman and me should be together because we get on so well, etc. However my head says, because i want to get married, have kids, etc one day, that i should be with the girl my age.

Me and the older woman never row, whereas me and the younger girl do. However it is mainly because she is insecure. If the older woman wasnt there, would the rows stop, or would it be about something else?

I don't want to hurt anyone, and i don't treat people badly. I have never cheated on anyone in my life. I am just so stuck in this situation and don't know the way out!

Please can someone help me?

June 11, 2006
8:48 am
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Rasputin
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Hey asc9 - Welcome to this site!

The answer to your confusion and perplexity is found in your post. "Am i trying to have my cake and eat it?" To which I will answer: YES you are!

You have to make a decision which woman you want to spend the rest of your life with. Your heart canNot be in love with the 2 women at the same time! No wonder you're confused and baffled.

I would suggest to you to take a break from dating and just be on your own for a while and let your heart heal and recover and do some soul-searching. During this time, purchase the book "Codependent no more" by Melody Beattie and start reading it. Another book is "Love is a choice" by Robert Hemfelt and "Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood - written for both men & women, BTW!

After this period of retreat which should help you to decide which woman you want; you need to confront each one and tell them honestly how you feel toward them. The bottom line is: One woman only!

Do not play with women' feelings. Be resolute and choose to be in love with only 1/ONE woman at the same time. NOT more!

Blessings, Ras~

June 11, 2006
8:50 am
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Mordrin
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September 27, 2010
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Seems your trying to mix fire with gasoline.

First of all, confessions about former or current relationship with you new girlfriend is not very wise.
Seemingly, you are attracted to older wommen and do feel more comfortable with them. Unfortunately, you do have the insight to view the future with them as not in your best interest.

You can continue to play both ends againt the middle, but may likely end up with neither relationship.
At this point, try to determind which is most important to you and make a clean break of the other.
Any pervious arraingements should be considered as moot and they will be counter productive.

Let's not kid ourselves, your arguments with your girlfriend are perhaps just a period of adjustment and your relationship with the other woman if consumated into a lasting relationship (other than a sexual one) will also realize personal conflict later on.
I believe that you did answer you own question on this issue.

Continuing a non-viable relationship just because of not wishing to hurt someone is short-sighted, I think.

I believe that if you follow your long term goals you will make the correct decision and continuing in the same rut will not help you get there.

June 11, 2006
10:50 am
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asc9
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Thank you both for your replies.

In short, there are two women, one who i get on with perfectly, but can offer me no future, and then one who can offer me a future, but i don't get on so well with because of insecurites about the other (older) woman.

In my heart i know the older woman is the wrong choice in the long term. I am going to have to hurt somebody, and my concern is that if i end my friendship with the older woman, and then the arguements continue with the girlfriend, then i lose a friend and girlfriend.

The question i have to ask myself is would any other girls put up with me being good friends with the older woman or will i end up hurting them too.

Maybe the best answer is just to have time away from them both and try ssingle life for a while?

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