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Lostagain27 One Year Mark
January 13, 2011
3:54 pm
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lostagain27
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Hello everyone... Its been awhile since I have been on. I found myself sucked in and had to walk away for a bit. I have missed you all.

PreciousG

Billy

Camar

Atalose

Mama

But I came back today to celebrate my one year mark wth all of you. I have been going through this relationships ups and downs for over three years... here is my past year

love to all

 

Today’s the day. The day I thought my World came to an end one year ago.

 

Hearing the words…

“ I don’t feel the same anymore” , “ I feel as if I am settling”, “ I am not happy”, “ you are strong and will make it”, “ I will always love you” , “you deserve so much more”’ “I’m not sure I could ever marry anyone or be a father”

 

Those phrases still linger. Those are the only things I was told as he walked out of my house and life that night. Fake tears and a hug and kiss on the forehead. Telling me how hard it was for him. Handing me my house key back signifying that it was truly over, our life together.

 

I was completely dumbfounded. Really, Seriously? Is all I could think. This is not happening to me again. For the second time you are going to leave me with no clue as to why?

 

Thanks to everyone on here for your support , love, hugs…

Turning 30 this year, all our friends married and now having kids… and you are leaving me to deal with all this shit alone and by myself… How cruel could you be? Acting like it is no big deal .Being so cold to me!

 

 I never saw it coming. He had just taken me on a surprise weekend trip to Atlanta the weekend before where he told me how lucky of a person he was to have me and how much he loved and adored me but three days later he tells me the opposite.

 

We were together for 4 years and I have known him since I was 15 years old. So not only was I losing my love relationship but I was losing my Childhood friend and who I thought was my best friend.

 

Yes and that is how it all went down. How my journey through heartbreak began.

 

I remember lying in the bathroom floor sobbing and feeling so completely ripped to shreds. My mother came over and pulled me out and into bed. Where I stayed for two whole days staring out the window in complete shock. I cried a river those two days. My father came and sat next to me the next night and held me while I cried and cried. I remember telling him. “I am so sorry Dad I wanted to have grandkids for you to know and enjoy” … He started to sob… Telling me it was okay and he didn’t need them right now or ever. For me to let him go. That he was not worth it and God had someone better for me. He was so hurt to see me go through this yet again over someone who was not worth my tears or pain.

 

At that point when my father was crying with me, I swore I would never let that asshole back in my life to destroy me again and to make my own father cry with me.

 

I had many people come over after they heard the news. My sister and her boyfriend, My best friend Allison and her husband, My best friend Deven… I told them I didn’t want to see them or talk about it but they took it on their own to come to my house with beer, champagne, flowers and cards, CD’s… They invaded my home when I didn’t want them too but it was the best thing they could have done for me.

 

My mom left that night so I could have time with them to talk all that I wanted too. I cried and cried, and we all talked the night away and drank tons!  All baffled. All sorts of theories, Cheating? Drinking again? Wtf was it? Sex addict?  No one knew and I still don’t know. My best friend Deven dated him years ago, went through many of break ups with him. I should have known then right? She just held my hand and said “this time you have to let him go! And I mean it damn it let him go!”  “This time you have to walk away. I know how much you love him and I have been there before. But until I let go and walked away I could not live my life”

  

I took her words to heart.

 

His Best friend Tim even called me to tell me he loved me and didn’t understand why Andy did what he did. That he was just fucked up in the head. And he was on my side if he had to take one. He would be there for me whenever I needed him. That made me feel tons better! Whose best friends say that about them? Ya know… and I believe him now. I didn’t then but I do now.

 

I was going to do this. I was going to get up and walk away. I was not going to be “that girl”…

The one who made any excuse to contact him, beg him back or try and figure out what he was up too. I was going to have dignity and grace and walk with my head held high because that is the least I could do for myself.  Since that day I kept my promise.That was the easy part. Making up my mind to give that to myself, dignity and grace.

 

I did do it with dignity … I never contacted him, never asked about him. Swore myself off of facebook and from Mutual friends, never spoke ill of him to his mom who still contacts me weekly or monthly. I would not talk about him to anyone but the people in my home that Friday night and my friends on DS.  I told myself he is not worth it. And turns out he wasn’t and never was.

 

Like I said that was the easy part. The hardest was the grief process… The worst part for me was denial. I lived in it for a very long long long time.

 

The next few months were a huge blur to me. I couldn’t sleep, eat, and function. Cried a Nile… Blamed myself, ran things over and over and over in my head.

 

I tried to figure him out. Was he drinking again? Searched all sorts of articles and threads on sober recovering alcoholics, dry drunks, sex and pron addicts.  How alcoholics operate. Still couldn’t figure it out.

 

Even though I said I would walk away I was still trying to figure him out. I focused all my time and energy on him and not the person I should have. That was ME! It should have been on ME from day one. This was something very hard for me to do. I never focused solely on myself. Or loved myself enough to know I deserved better or had choices in life. Like my attitude and how I wanted my life to be.

 

I was a people pleaser. Never made sure I was happy or doing things in life for me and not others.

 

The first 5 months are a blur really. My work was slipping, my counseling was going nowhere. I was gaining weight at this point. Eating myself into happiness. I didn’t know wtf happened or wtf was going to happen to me in the future.

 

I had no life outside of my home, dogs and work. I closed off the whole world from me. Old mutual friends. Most of them I didn’t want in my life anymore as it was. I was slipping away from my family as well.

 

I lived in my own little world. I had DS and myself and dogs and cat. I figured it was all I needed and wanted from now on. I would never love again and I was worthless. How could I make it after someone I entrusted my whole life too just upped and walked away like that? As If I were nothing???

 

I was there for him through all of his problems. Stood by him and held his hand as he got sober. When no one was there for him but me and his parents. NO one believed he could do it. I did and I was there. I made sure he always had food, a place over his head. I did so much over 4 years and even went through 7 months of a break up with him before this. My list of what I did and endured goes on for miles. It’s really sad to think about all that I put up with just to have him in my life. I was sick. I was addicted to him and his actions. I felt I deserved this treatment. Why? Not sure. But I believed in commitment and sticking it out through the good and the bad. When he got sober it was the good times. Before that not so much.

 

But things changed… I got sick and tired of being lonely, sad, depressed and slowly becoming overweight all because this one person stomped my heart. Wasn’t I supposed to be letting go and moving on with my life? All I was doing was suffering and making myself turn into a hermit. He wasn’t worth that and my life wasn’t either. I was doing the opposite of what I was supposed to be doing. Damn it I was going to change things. But how still was a mystery to me…

 

I had tons of friends on DS that were positive and that were there for me. I finally realized I wasn’t the only one in the world who had a squished and run over heart. They were others out there like me. I believe if it were not for the support and love of so many on here I would not have made it. I would still be a sad little girl in a wounded shell with a wall as big as the Great Wall…

 

Changing my attitude was the key and still continuing no contact.

 

The next 6 months were a different story. It wasn’t easy but with time and lots of trail and error I slowly started getting my life back and a life that I wanted and that I could create for myself. This excited me.

 

I opened up more. Talked more about what happened to me with others. This was a huge step for me, to talk about my feelings. I talked about things I wanted to change and do for myself.

 

I turned the negative into the positive. Don’t get me wrong I still have my bad days. But my bad days now are just of loneliness and have nothing to do with my ex.

 

I saw him at a funeral. He pulled me aside outside to talk. I just stood there with my arms crossed so not wanting to talk to him and also giving him that vibe. Because I was so over him and his shit. I knew him and what he was up too. He asked about me and I just went on and on about traveling, new friends, the gym and how work was. It was great to say all of it to his face. He stood there and just said “wow and all I am doing is trying to stay happy”

 

I laughed and said “you are not happy”? He said no. He said “some days but isn’t and couldn’t find away to be”. I laughed my ass off in my head. Here is the person who wasn’t happy when he left me and is still not happy. At that point I knew it was not me. It was his punk ass that was not happy and I think he finally understood that it wasn’t me who made him unhappy. Nor should I blame myself for being the person I was.

 

I was so overjoyed to hear he was miserable. At that point I knew that asshole would never be happy, no one or anything would ever make him happy. He needed some serious help and would never be happy until he did. I could have been Betty Fucking Crocker and he would have not been happy.  He told me he had to go to a counselor for his sleeping issues. They told him he had anxiety issues and slight PTSD from the war in Iraq where he spent 16 months in fear. He told me he would not go to get help… I was like really? They tell you need the help that this could be why you drink and you won’t ?

 

Damn I felt lucky that he left after him saying that. I was blessed… this was the best thing that ever happened to me. I now believed everyone after months of them telling me this. After seeing him and the little info he shared. And his lil 10 min pity party he tried to have with me.  It put a major fire under my ass to make my life wonderful and leave him eating dust and I still am. I know for a fact I did everything I could have to make that relationship work and gave it my all.

I walked away from him that night. Without a thought of missing him or wanting him back in my life. I needed that satisfaction to help propel me forward.

 

He emailed me on my birthday a month later. I deleted it and never once thought about returning a simple thanks to it. He deserved no part of me again. He had his chance TWICE… not again. HA I love it now…

 

Before that funeral I started doing the following or some it thereafter:

 

I joined a Crossfit gym. I made tons of friends there and I began doing workouts and achieving personal goals that I never believed I could have. I amazed myself. I believe this boosted my confidence and my emotional state. My mood was better and I felt like a person again and not a walking zombie. I had something positive to focus on.

 

Started traveling, with family, just me or to meet up with DS friends I have made.

 

I dove into work and have now taken on new responsibilities.

 

I started to date again and explore the possibility of a new relationship.

 

I made it a point to make new friends at the gym and at work. I started going out and doing things with people when they asked me too. I started loving all the moments I had with my family and cherishing them. Stopped feeling sorry for myself and started to embrace life again.

 

Slowly it became easy to have fun again, laugh again and to stop crying. I can’t remember the last time I cried b/c of him. HA and it is a wonderful feeling.

 

I started sharing my dreams, making new ones and celebrating my life again. Exploring who I was and what I wanted out of life. This is exciting and still is. Makes me smile.

 

I was blessed with this heartbreak. I feel as if I was given a new chance in life. To be happy and find someone who did love me for who I was who did want to be with me b/c they wanted too and didn’t think they were settling with me.

 

I had a chance to be selfish and do everything I put aside b/c I was in a committed relationship and couldn’t do things for me. So I thought! I will never go back to not having a life for myself.

 

I still have things I want to do.

I feel so much better now. I have hope for myself and my life.

 

This is my story and where I am now. I am only hopeful for my future…

 

I told myself I would give it one year to grieve and find my life. I feel like after today opens more doors for me. To explore the world again and the possibility of a new relationship. I feel I have done my time and I am ready. Everything I have endured and gone through over a year allows me to be who I am and a much stronger person.

 

I still have things to work on and will continue to do so.

 

My world did not end this day one year ago. It only began … I just had to sort through the pain and all the muck in between.

 

 

January 13, 2011
4:05 pm
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Congrats Lost. I am proud of you.Cool

January 13, 2011
4:08 pm
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lostagain27
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Thank you Billy... I've missed you!

January 13, 2011
4:22 pm
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razor
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Wow!

What an inspirational story, thank you for sharing it.

January 14, 2011
6:45 am
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It No Longer Matters
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Thank you for sharing your journey.  We can all learn a little from you.  Congratulations on finding your own life.

Bitsy

January 16, 2011
12:34 am
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andii
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This is inspirational.  Thank you for sharing this, truly.

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