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Lostagain27 Friday night alone
September 16, 2008
9:03 pm
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PreciousG
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You are welcome. I know! This is how I deal with mine. I just try to be still and ask myself these questions to refocus and calm down.

What I think anxiety is...is repressed feels that build up and have nowhere to go and finaly you just have a physical/cognitive reaction to keeping everything bottled up. When you have a physical reaction to the emmotions being bottled up now you have the physical symptoms to focus on still not the emotions that you are experiencing. Sort of like being co-dependent, yes. You focus on everyone else but you, avoidance if you will.

OK I am going to leaave you this for now. This not really coming out to great. I am going to have to think a little more before I continue.

I am glad that you are feeling better.

Also you said: I wish i could say or do something to bring him back. But I know in reality that things wouldn't be the same or change. 🙁

The part that I am struggling with is the part where you things wouldn't be the same. I do not know if you were aware of what you typed or not. Would you really want things to be the same?

((((Lost)))

Precious

September 16, 2008
9:16 pm
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lostagain27
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Thanks Precious I will remember this and next time I will do the same.

I get what you were saying so far. But will let you think on it some more before continueing.

Yes I didn't realize what i had written. No I wouldn't want things to be the same by any means. I would want them to be different and much better. More respect towards my feelings, him actually caring about my feelings and us comunicating better are to name a few. I know that those things would not be there. So i have no idea really why i would want that back. Sometimes i think it is b/c I don't want to be going through what i am now, I don't want to be alone, feel like i missed my last chance to get married, or see him with someone else. Sort of as a ease of the pain type thing but In reality i would still be miserable. I hope i made sense there.

Thanks again my friend. YOu are truly wonderful!

(((Precious)))

September 16, 2008
10:07 pm
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You are very welcome. I am glad that you found it helpful. It just helps to catch myself before I get carried away and focus on what I am realy feeling.

Thanks for being patient.

Umm, Lost aren't you 20 something?

((((Lost))))

Precious

September 17, 2008
8:41 am
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lostagain27
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Precious

Morning! are you on your way home? if so I hope you are havinga safe trip back and will talk to you once you get settled in.

Yes I am 27. Why?

Lost

September 17, 2008
3:48 pm
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Hi lost,

That is what I thought. Girl, you are so silly sometimes! I swear! :)You have more than enough time to get married and have a family. I am 40. I refuse to think that my time has past.

I have n ot left for home yet. I have been working on a spreadsheet all day for my lawyer. Iam glad that is over. WheW. It took for ever.

Now I have to go help my neice with her hoework. FUn Fun! Yuk! FIrst grade sucks! 🙂

I hope that you have a good day and I will talk to you later my friend.

You really make me laugh! 🙂 You think that your time has past! Whatever! HEHEHE

((((Lost)))))

Precious

September 17, 2008
8:23 pm
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Hey LOST!!! You walkin? 😉

September 17, 2008
9:27 pm
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lostagain27
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Hi Precious!

I make a lot of people laugh with that statement. I told my therapist that and he said ok i might agree with you if you were eighty years old! lol... i guess he is right.

Did you get all of your stuff done for hte lawyer?

How was that awful first grade homework? 😉

Yes I went walking. I actually walked a little farther tonight. I was feeling good this afternoon and it was so pretty outside. I even went and got myself a decent dinner instead of going to bed on an empty stomach which i have been doing lately. Then i took a nice long bath in this bubble bath i bought today from bath and body works. It is supposed to help you sleep. Armothearpy. I even bought the pillow mist. we will see how it works. So i had a very productive day and evening. It might not sounds like much to others but to me it is since I haven't felt like doing much in the evenings after work. Now if every day could be like this one I would be good to go.

Hope you are having a good night.

Have you gone home yet? I know you must be tired of me asking ya.

(((Precious)))

September 17, 2008
9:46 pm
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Hey!

Hooray!! You had a good day! I am so happy for you!

It sounds like a big day to me. You were doing a lot of self-care. That is a big deal when you are not used to that. I know that I am, how do I say, sometimes a little anxious maybe, when I have days like that. Other times I feel so empowered and energized and just grerat. Which you seem to be feeling the latter.

I love the Sundried Rassberries fragarance from Bath & Bodyworks!

I am not all tired of you asking if I have gone home, cuz, well I keep saying that I am going and then I don't. I think I might have a litte bit of detachment issue, whada ya think? HEHEHE. I am stil workingon the lawyer stuff too. UGH!!!! Never ends.

Oh and the first grade homework, well lets see...We made a colored worm, and then I got of it cuz my sister came home and took over. YES!!! I know that must sound awful, but I am so not into doing homework. I had rather take them on walk or play outside or something.

Well, heres to you for a very productive and happy daay!

When do you see your counselor again?

((((Lost))))

Precious

September 17, 2008
10:14 pm
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lostagain27
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I actually did have a good day and it feels great! 🙂 I think that i was just tired of being tired and today jsut felt like being normal. What normal is I dunno but it seemed normal. lol

lol... i never liked helping my neices with homework either. lol... Good thing your sister came home.

Detachment i would say maybe if you had been there for over a month but i think it might be a good thing to be around family right now. Sometimes it is just nice to have them there and around!

Yuck on the lawyer stuff. I hope at some point it ends for you and you get it all done!!!

I see my counselor next Firday. I was supposed to go tomorrow but I had a work obligation so i had to reschedule. The only thing he had was friday next week but i was put on a list for if people cancel. so i might go earlier.

what about you?

(((precious)))

September 17, 2008
11:02 pm
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Lost,

Tired of being tired. That reminds me.. I asked a therapist once when will things change and he replied when you get tired of bieng tired. Ya know he was right. He also told me that my Ex would never change. Ya know what he was right. Wow!

Things started to change for me when I finaly got sicken tired of being sicken tired. Talk about a moment of clarity. WOW!

Anyway, I go to see my counselor on Tuesday. I will not miss this appointment. I have missed 3 weeks maybe 4 I have lost count. I really need to go to. So much has happened.

Have you read that book Co-Dependent nomore? My counselor suggested that I read it while I was away. But, for some reason I am ressiting buying the book and reading it. I have had ample opportunity to buy the book I just wont do it. Have you done the workbook that accompanies the book?

Yeah this lawyer stuff sucks. Hopefully it will all be over with in early oct.

Oh yeah, normal! What is that? Ya know I often think how do poeple who don't have codie issues deal with a break-up. I mean really is their anyone out there that can just walk clean? without any drama and mayhem ensuing? I sure would like to meet these poeple. I mean more power to them. I happy for them. I would just like to know if it is really possible? Know what I mean?

I hope that you get some restful sleep tonight. I especially hope that tomorrow is as good or better than today! Hug Yourself!

((((Lost))))

Precious

September 18, 2008
9:28 am
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lostagain27
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Precious

I hope you are having a good morning.

Yes I bought the book "Codependent No more" I read some of it but have a hard time with it. It is like i am refusing to really read it and grasp all the concepts. It's like i am scared of really finding out who i truly am in that book. I made it to chapter 3 and then just put it down and haven't had the urge to pick it up. Sounds like i am resisting the book as well.
I didn't know there was a workbook that came with the book. I will have to check into that.

There are so many others on here that swear by the book. I can't because I can't make it through it. It's hard to look at yourself sometimes. Maybe eventually we will get to the point where we can actually read it.

I wonder that all the time. Can you have a break up without all this pain and agony going on for months at a time? Is it possible? I am not sure really but i would like to know how you get some of that. Ha ha ha.
I have seen plenty of friends go through heart ache and after a couple of weeks say screw that person, brush themselves off and on they go with their lives. Why can't that be me???

(((Precious)))

September 18, 2008
12:11 pm
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Lost,

Morning Sunshine!:) Thanks my morning is going pretty good! No complaints!

That is exactly it! I am having hard time finding out who I truly am! Spot on! You are right it is scary. I mean I have faced some truths and that has been rather liberating but I can only take some at a time. Ya know? UGH!

I know there are others out there that end relationships and go on but it seems that they usaully charge head long into a new relationship. I am just not made that way. It;s as if they do not give themselves time to grieve the last relationship or maybe there is nothing to grieve?

Ah ya know what? It's time to edit my rule book! See it just accured to me that I have a rule that says you are healthy if you can just say "Oh ok you don't love me anymore alright then I am ok with that. Bye it was nice knowin ya." SERIOUSLY? What a rule. Ok forget editing I am just deleting that real rule.

I do not know why this is bothering me so muc lately but it is. I am just at the point of, enough already!

Oh man my next therapy session is going to be tough. I can feel it. She will probably give me somthing else to read. Thats fine with me but last time she did that I felt she tried to slip one past me and boy was I angry!

Anyway, now I rambling for sure. I have alot on my mind this morning I guess. Thanks for listening.

I hope tht you have a good day. Hug yourself!

(((Lost))))

Precious

September 18, 2008
2:08 pm
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Hi Precious!

Yes I too can only take on so much. I have to think about it process it and let it sink in. Too much can be an overload for me at times and it gets me down.

I have tried to reach out to a friend of mine to describe what is going on with me. It seems that they just don't get and can relate and move on to something else. It sucks really. Why can't i find someone i can talk to face to face that understands me? It makes it so lonely at times. This site helps but i would like a friend that could support me and understand.

I have been researching love and relatinship addiction and I believe i fit those roles as well. How much more am i going to find out! this is maddening to me!

Yes please do edit that rule book ! That rule should even be in their! I am not sure i would want to be someone who didn't grieve a relationship though. Just think about all that we have learned and what all they haven't. Makes you wonder about a whole mess of things.

I am anxious today. I have had that urge to email my X and say hey. I am not sure why. I think it is b/c i am lonely and want and need someone there. I want to get rid of that need!

I think all therapy sessions are goign to be tough from here until the point we get stuff more and think differently. I know it will really help you to see her. I am trying to prepare in advance for mine questions things i want to know about. I want to make the most out of all of this so i can get better for myself. I keep telling myself I want to get better so that my children will not go through this stuff.

(((Precious)))

September 18, 2008
2:13 pm
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Longshot
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Not trying to interrupt, just want to say Hi:)

((Precious)) ((Lost))

September 18, 2008
2:16 pm
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lostagain27
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(((Longshot)))

How is it going? you can interupt anytime!!!

September 18, 2008
2:36 pm
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Precious and Lost is wish I could give you a magic pill. Heck I even still wish I could take a magic pill. I have been going through this for over a year, but recently something just snapped in me and I FEEL different.
As recently as a month ago I was on here crying and hating myself, then suddenly I wasn't. I don't want to hold myself up as the end all be all but I want you to know there is hope. And if I am only happy today...that is today that I am happy. One thing that worked for me also is my Scarlett O'Hara mode. Anytime he would pop in my brain I would consciously refuse to think about him. "I can't think about that right now; I will think about it tomorrow." Sometimes denial isn't a bad thing.

Bitsy

September 18, 2008
2:39 pm
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lostagain27
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Hi Bitsy!
I have read your thread and you are right you have made great improvements over the past month and I want what you have ! 🙂

I wish there were a magic pill but something tells me you have to go through this stuff to figure it all out and too be happy.

I am glad that you are happy and I hope you remain happy.

I might try the Scarlet O' Hara approach to get him out of there. I just pray that i can find something someday to make me be okay with everything.

Thanks for posting Bitsy you have given me strength and i thank you!

(((Bitsy)))

September 18, 2008
2:48 pm
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Longshot
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I think for me it's king of like digging myself out of a hole. I have a tool/shovel, and I work on it very diligently for a while, make progress and start climbing. Then if I have a day I feel tired/weary/fatigue from the whole situation, I tend to slide backwards. I so understand what Bitsy said about even if it's just today then that's good!!!

I have had more good days...but I know and see that I'm in denial in my marriage. I thought if he joined me in counseling that somehow it would open his heart/mind. It appears all that's happened is he feels he has an ally in the therapist because he's a man. There's just not much hope and I feel I'm putting off the inevitable and it hurts like heck. It's just plain stupid to me that he and I could have such a great marriage...there's so much that could be, but it takes two. He blames me for everything. I'm weary of all the work I've done to try and save this marriage-I'm wearing so thin on this. Even my therapist-in my individual sessions-agrees that I'm doing a tremendous amount of work, and that the progress if any is miniscule. My husband just can't or won't see his responsiblity in our marriage and all the problems. In his mind they are all mine. If I'd do this, that, and then some, we'd be o.k. He's literally said that before.

Ok, I'm venting and rambling-my apologies. I'm going to eat some dark chocolate and just be for a while.

((Bitsy))((Lost))((Precious))

September 18, 2008
3:25 pm
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(((Longshot)))

I am glad you are having good days but sorry your husband isn't working on his issues. Has he gone to therapy just by himself and not with you like you are doing?

I wonder if this might help.

It does take two to make a relationship work and if you are putting in all the work then it isn't goign to get much better or make you any happier.

Don't apologize for venting. you need too. Keep goig if you would like. It helps too!

September 18, 2008
3:48 pm
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Thanks Lost.

No, he does not have individual sessions because "I'm secure in myself and my manhood, I don't need to talk to anyone."

Here's one of the examples: he got angry with me about our anniversary and said he did not want to celebrate it. After a day or two I mentioned about giving him a card and he said what for.

Now he's had some time to calm down, and wants to celebrate-go out to dinner. The problem is he treated me like crap and made sure I knew "we weren't going to celebrate-why should we." So I am letting him live with his decision not to celebrate-dinner, and it's making him angry at me again. I spoke with my therapist about it this morning, and he encouraged me to stand my ground. (I have generally always given in when he calms down and done whatever he wants.)

Stupid example, but that's pretty much how our whole life goes. He wants it his way or the highway.

I'm rambling again, and my crazy story/life is so bleepity bleep complicated right now that I can't even make sense of it. YOU ALL ARE GREAT FOR LISTENING!!!!!

Thank you thank you thank you!!!!

September 18, 2008
3:58 pm
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Good for you for standing your ground. You need too. How will things ever change if you don't. He probably can't believe he isn't getting his way and doesn't know what to do about it.

I am proud of you. Keep working on it you are going to do great.

Sounds like he is really stubburn about therapy but you go and do your thing. He might just regret it later.

(((Longshot)))

September 18, 2008
4:05 pm
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Lost, you are an angel! I truly am thankful-I really needed someone to listen today and I didn't realize it until I was reading through this thread and popped in to say Hi!

This journey WE are on is a difficult one...it's good to know we can talk and and share and get through it:)

Now back to the Magic Pill idea!!!!
🙂

September 18, 2008
4:16 pm
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lostagain27
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We all need someone to listen to us at times and Truly listen.
Anytime you need to talk just hop right on here I might not be able to give you all the answers or agree with everything but some here might have better advice and if anything it helps just to get it out of your head and onto something.

So please keep talking. I want to listen and help. We all need support!

I agree I want that magic pill! If you find it please share it with me! 🙂

(((Longshot)))

September 18, 2008
4:38 pm
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Longshot-

Kudos to you for standing your ground w/ the anniversary dinner!! I know it may seem small to you, but it is proving to him that you have a backbone.

Men can be very immature sometimes and we have to let them know what is unacceptable behavior. If not, it continues and you will lose yourself in him.

BE STRONG. ((long))

((lost))My thoughts are w/ you as well:)

September 18, 2008
9:18 pm
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Hi! (((Lost)))) Hi! (((Bitsy))))

So nice of you both to interupt!:) Yeah a magic pill, magic wand, magic
anything! Make a deal with you. When I find one you will be first person I tell and visa versa! Deal? HEHEHEHE!

Hope everyone is having a good night! hug yourselves often!

Precious

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