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Lostagain27 Friday night alone
September 14, 2008
2:57 am
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PreciousG
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Oh WOW!!! ROLL TIDE ROLLL!!! What a night! I was afraid that you would bail on th game with your sister. I am soooooo glad that you didn't! I am sooooo proud of you! I know that it had to be tough but you did it! You are really a strong women Lost.

WTH!!!!? Is right! I went to MSU!!!! This gives me hope! Ummmm...Who let them DAWGS OUT? 2 teams both Bulldogs! What are the chances?

I wont contact my EX ethier. But you are right it does susck. YUCK!!! I miss the jerk! Why I am not certain?

I am sorry about your friend's birthday party. I really am beginning to wonder about your group of friends. I mean one ,minute they seem so supportive then WHAMO they are with him? I don't know about that. I would really love to ask them WTH is going on here? I mean were these people you were friends with before you met your EX or after? Was he friends with these people before you wer? I just can't imagine treating one of mine friends this way. Are these the same people that you were with last night?

By the way I was so glas to hear that you were out lastnight. Again congrats on the selfcare. Expecially since it was > 45 mkinutes away from where you live. That is huge. I think that I am ready to venture a little bit once I return home. I have been hanging with family and my best friend since the break-up. I think that I am ready to go out with some other people now. Baby steps though. I mean I see you doing it and I feel like i am missing out here. You go girl! I can't wait until I can post here about my nights out! HEHEHE!

Well I hope that you get some good rest! I am SOOOOOO PROUD of YOU LOLST!!! You didn't given in into missing your EX and you went to the game!!!! AND!!! You enjoyed it!!! Taht is huge! Do not kid yourself or minimize it for one minute. You are really do an AWESOME!!!! Keep it up!

Give Yourself a HUGE HUG!!!!

Precious

September 14, 2008
1:10 pm
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lostagain27
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Precious

I am not sure why I miss the jerk either. It's hard to say at times. I can't wait until the day i can go a whole week withouth thinking of him.

YOu are an all around Dawgs fan. Must be something about them bulldogs that you love! 🙂

I am starting to question my friends as well. I can't make them choose so i have decided to slowly break my self free from them and let them have my X. I just can't keep letting them hurt me like that. They were so supportive in the beginning and now in the past month it seems to be a different tune. I am just going to have to find new people to do things with. It will be hard but I will do it damnit! They haven't been the best lately.
It's hard to say whose friends they are b/c we all grew up together. I would say the guys are more his and the girls are more mine. and the girl will go with whatever their men say. It's frustrating really.
And yes the girls I hung out with Friday night are the same ones from last night's birthday party. It is rather strange. I think i know who is behind it but i am not going to assume anything. I have decided that i am goign to tell my friend who's birthday party it was for that I didn't appreciate it and I would like for her to tell me up front instead of the night of that he was going to be there. I have to start standing up for myself somehow or other.
I am also in that girls wedding and I am about to tell her I don't want to be anymore b/c at this point I don't.

Also I would have thought she would have called me today to apologize but i haven't heard a word.

I am really down about this right now. Not only did i lose my BF i am losing my friends too. It;s just too much for me right now.

I haven't even gotten out of bed yet. I might just sit here all day. It's comforting for me right now.

I called a friend of mine who is no way associated with them. She is married and has a baby so it is hard for us to hang out but i called her to vent. She said exactly what you said. She even said you know if you have to come and hang out with me for awhile to get your feet back on the ground and find new friends then I want you too. She said i know i might be boring right now but I will not treat you like them. She also said that she thinks I give and give to them and all they do is take. I agree with her. I have been very helpful with all their wedding stuff and have gone out of my way to be there for them and they treat me like this and it sucks.

How are you today? Are you excited about going home? I hope you have a safe trip home tomorrow.

Thanks for being proud of me. It helps a whole lot!

I am proud of me too for going to the game.

(((Precious)))

September 14, 2008
1:35 pm
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lostagain27
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Precious I forgot to add that I hope you start venturing out more! It does take baby steps. I have gone back to square one but I am going to try a different route this time!

I can't wait to hear you post about going out! Just take you time with it.

(((Precious)))

September 14, 2008
4:35 pm
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((((Lost)))

Loosing your BF and friends at the same time has got to be so overwhelming for you. All of safety and security that you knew is slowly disppearing. I am so sorry. I know what that is like. It truly puts us in position of totaly telying on ourselves. Something that is completely foreign to us.

I am all about learning and branching out but to be thrown to the wolves?! Ummm....is a bit much!

I think that you have earned a day in hte bed. You went our both nights. That's alot if you ask me. I hope that you are not feeling quilty about it. I think it is a way of hugging yourself if you ask me. I mean you put yourself out there and now you can back to your safe place and recharge.

I will start to venture out. The friend that I told you that I spoke with recently, we have plans to meet up when I return home. She, her husband, and I all met in undergrad and went out together all the time. I never felt like the 3 wheel ever. They were great. They both know about my sistuation and were very supportive from the beginning. So i think that would be good starting place. I just have to make it clear that I do not want to be set up on any dates right now. They were constantly trying to set me up back in the day. I am not ready for that right now. I have much work to do before I am ready to start dating again.

That friend that you called seems to wonderful. I am glad that you have to reach out to. That would give great comfort.

I still have not heard from my best friend and that has me really angry. I mean if wanted to take a break fine but I think that he should have told me about. I mean to me it the same as what my Ex has done. He leaves and really has nothing to say about it just stops calling and leaves me wondering. I am tired of be left like this. I am done. Friends, and poeple who supposedly care abut you do not treat that way. I will not be treated this way again. Well there you have it just went and got myself all upset.

All of sudden I am realy down. I am missing Mom a lot today and feeling really alone.

Things around my sister's house have gotten stressful and I am seeing that I am reverting to hold behavior and running. I do not handle her sometimes. It is really strange. We are really close but she can be really intense sometimes and that spooks me. I just want to crawl in a cave and hide. UGH!!!

Thank you Lost for letting me vent. I guess I am not having such a great day after all. I am looking forward to going home but not the drive. YUCK!!!! I think that I will driving home Tuesday. No later than Tuesday cuz I have an appointment with my therapist on Wednesday, thank goodness. I can't wait to talk to her. It has been way to long.

Anyway, enough of my belly aching! Enjoy veging out today!

(((((Lost)))))

Precious

September 14, 2008
7:35 pm
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lostagain27
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Precious

I have been in bed all day. lol... only get up to eat and let my dog out. I don't feel bad about it. It is actually quite comforting and feels safe at the moment.

That is something to look forward to when you get home going out with your friend and husband. It is nice to have someone you can hang out with and not feel like the third wheel. I don't know what that feels like really. I understand about not wanting to be set up on dates. I am the same way. People try to and I decline. I am just not ready and it makes me sick to think about.

I am sorry your other friend hasn't called you. I agree he should have told you what was up and if he needed a break. I know this has to be upsetting. Maybe he will come around but i agree you do not need to go and try and chase him down. Friends are not supposed to do you that way. they should always be there for you no matter what.

I am sorry you are seeing old patterns in your sisters home. Hang in there until Tuesday! I know you have to be excited about seeing your counselor! Hang in there and just try and hold your ground!

I hope you have a good night and don't get down Precious! You are a great person and have been a great friend to me on this site!

(((Precious)))

September 14, 2008
8:37 pm
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Good for you Lost for staying in bed all day!

What spooks me about dating right now is that I feel like I bring to much baggage to the table. I have not worked in 31/2 years anad feel like I really do not have a life or much to share.

What makes me sick is the idea that my EX is already in a relationship. That's sick. Sometimes it is really gut wrenching to think of him with someone else in every way. That I have a dificult wrapping my head around. I try not to dwell on it but every once in awhile before I know it my mind has taken me thre without any warning. ACKKK! I just crienge!

Anyway, I digress. You know what I admire about you and others here is that you are able to work. I have not been able to work. To me that is huge. I realize I have been through much in the last 31/2 years besides the break-up but emotionally I was just able to handle it. I really commend you for getting up and going to work everyday and doing what you have to do. You have said in previous post that you think that I am light years ahead of you. Well, see I think just the opposite. Yet I guess we all have to go at our pace. Right?
Lost, you have been a great friend aas well! I am really glad that you are here.

((((Lost)))))

Precious

September 14, 2008
9:10 pm
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lostagain27
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Precious

I forgot to say earlier that I am sorry you miss your mom. I couldn't imagine not having mine. I can't talk to her about this stuff but would still be tough not to have her around.

I've had a rough year with deaths in my family as you have too. My grandmother passed in Jan and my uncle 6 weeks later then another couple of months my X left. at that point i was tired of people leaving me! I miss my grannie her birthday is this thursday she would have been 86. Makes me sad. I ask her for guidance and strength and I am hoping she is sending me all she can. She was a very strong woman.

I wish I didn't work!!! I hate having to go through this and work at the same time but i have to to pay for my house and bills and my animals. I would soak up not working.
I wouldn't worry about you having baggage. Everyone has there own issues I ma starting to find that out. Also i wouldn't worry about not having a job. U have reasons why you haven't had one like taking care of your mom and if you really don't need one then it shouldn't be an issue. Don't get down on that!!!

Being sick that your X is in another relationship is understandable. I know how you feel. It does creep up on you and Wham you can't get rid of hte thoughts or feelings that go along with it. It is normal. I have to say though he isn't very healthy for already being in one. I mean how much can he have to offer after a 14 yr relationship coming to an end???

(((Precious)))

September 14, 2008
11:28 pm
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I am so sorry for what you have been through. The more we talk the more we have in common. It is just amazing to me all the similarities in our stories. Things that make ya go HMMMM?

My Mom was the best. She was the most patient, kindest, and giving person I know. She wouldn't like to talk too much about this stuff either but she would at least ask about it and was always there for me with hug. Oh and did She know her football!!!. She Knew the players, teams, coaches and I am talking from way back to the present. We had a big Super Bowl Party in January in her nursing home room she died in June of 2007. She really had a blast. She is my special Angel. She is always with me. It is just not the same. 🙁

Once again you are right! How much can he offer after being in a relationship for 14 years and supposedly with the woman he still claims to love?! Yet for some strange reason I miss the JERK! Well, maybe what is really going on is that I am beginning to truly realize how much I was duped. I mean I think that perhaps I am grieving the dream as I am now slowly becoming aware of the truth. I don't know at least to me it feels like I am missing him. Who knows. He doesn't deserved my attention but there it is. Well, at least I can say that I have not contacted him. Right?

Did your ex go to the funerals with you? I seem to remember reading a post of yours in which you said that he didn't? Maybe it was someone elses post.

I would think that working would help keep your mind occupied to some exstent? I mean I know it has to be tough but at least you have somewhere to go everyday and some sense of a purpose. I have been looking but not as vigalantly as I should. I did have one interview. However, the minute that I met the Director I knew it wasn't a fit. Thus I really did put my best me forward. Oh well. I still see it as a success cuz the last job that I had I ignored my gut and got burned and I wasn't about to go that route again. Especially not after everything I have just been through you can forget that. I learned a lot about myself in the last 31/2 years that I see slowly being interwoven into my life as of late. So I guess in a way I can pat myself on the back for that! Way to go me.

Anyway, I am just rambling here.

I hope that you are able to get a restfuls nights sleep.HAVE A GREAT DAY!!!!

((((((Lost)))))

Precious

September 15, 2008
6:50 pm
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lostagain27
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Precious

It is strange the similarites we share in our lives. It does make you stop and think.

Your mother sounds like a wonderful woman! I love a woman who knows her football. I know she is with you... and no it is not the same but we have those sweet memories that keep us going.

Yes you can be very proud of yourself for not contacting him. I am not sure why i miss my X either but I do. You are like me is it him or is it the dream of what we thought we would have and always dreamed of having with them? I hope that one day we see this stuff clearly and look back on it and be thankful for what has happened. I just keep praying.

I believe your X will jsut do the same thing with this new girl as he did with you. He won't commit. And for him to keep talking to you a secret and say he is on the up and up with her is just wrong. YOu know the truth and that poor girl doesn't. It will not last. Too me it seems he didn't work things out before jumping right back in there. I do believe in Karma my friend!

My X went to my grandmother's funeral with me and supported me through all of it. But he didn't go to my uncle's. That was really hard on me as well. That night when I got home he went out and didn't come home until 6 am drunk as a skunk. I didn't feel much like socializing and wanted to stay at home. I was worn out from 6 weeks of grieving and going through my uncle passing. He wouldn't even stay home with me that night. Then he left me 3 weeks later. It makes me cry to think about all that i have gone through this year. I always ask why this is happening and when the pain will end. Maybe I wasn't built to with stand all of this like some people. I see so many move on without the pain and hurt like some of us have and I am envious.

I am sad today. I just realized that my friends really do suck and i have no man in my life. It's like i don't know what to do with myself. I talked to an old friend today through email. She asked me about how my X and I were doing. She didn't know. I had to tell we were no longer together. It brought back a lot of anxiety and embarassment and made me miss him some more and feel like i couldn't make it or survive withoug him there. I just so wanted things to work out between us and him be the one. It sucks.

Work does keep me busy. All thougth I have been slacking lately. I feel like i am really behind on my work b/c i am so damn depressed. My job brings me down too.

Just keep looking for a job that fits you and where you will be happy. It will happen when it is supposed too!

How are you today? Are you looking forward to returning home?

(((Precious)))

September 15, 2008
7:38 pm
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Hey Lost,

I am so sorry you are sad today. I know how you feel though. In away you do want things to work but on the other, least for me, you know the truth so that keeps you from pursuing the relationship. And as you said my dignity.

I have been curious about those that break up and seem to just pick-up and move on. I mean not move to another relationship but just mnove on in life and dwell on the break-up and let it bring them down some much. What do they know that I do know? What do they have that I do not have? What I have learned is that there more people out there that go through what we have, men and women alike, than those that are able to just move on with all the aftermath. That does give me some comfort, saddly. I mean it is good to know I am not a freak of nature! HEHEHE! I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

You words are comforting. I think that you are right that he won't committ. I mean I hope that he doesn't. I have been worried lately that I am going to read in te newspaper just any day now, that he is engaged. I will lose it! I can't til the day that nothing he does, says, or thinks matters to me anymore. UGH!!!!! I do feel bad for this new girl sometimes becasue she has know idea what is ahead of her. On the other hand I think that I know who it is and we have met serveral times in the past. That would really suck if I knew her. OMG! I am not going to dwell on this anymore. I have just been wanting to say that out loud. Whew! Oh yeah I do to believe in KARMA! I hate it for him but he better a hang on tight! HEHEHEHE!:)

The reason that I aksed if went to the funeral with you is because my EX didn't go t my Mother's funeral. Instead he called the day of the viewing telling me his anxiety was so bad that he could drive. I had tried to contact him all day but he would answer his phone. He said that he would be there, I tried not hold my breath but I did. He was so conviencing. I mean he was going come to move me from Texas back home. Well that didn't happen either. Well anyway he calls the day of the family viewing 30 mins before the viewing complaining of anxiety. It was crazy! He was/is so selfish. He kept saying that he would the next day for the funeral but I told him no! He wanted to continue to argue with me! 30 minutes before I am to be at the viewing of my Mother and Best Friend he wanted to complain abut himself. I was like I am done the universe does not revolve around you. Ut he just kept going on and on and just look I am hanging up and he said I will call tommorrow. It was so nuts! Writing this out makes see just how nutzy he can be. WOW! And saddly I wanted things to work out with this guy! What was/am I thinking!!! ACKKKKK! HAHAHA ! I swear sometimes all I can do laugh at myself and the sistuation cuz it is that crazy.

Anyway, it has to be te dream that we are missing because there is no way I will go back to that.

What is that you miss the most about your EX? I kow that it hurts that he wasn't there to support you and my EX wa s not there t support me. It really hurts deep inside. I really describe feeling but it definetly hurts.

Sometimes I wonder if I hurt so much because I am disappointed in myself or the things that he did or didn't do?

I am looking forward to going home. I will be leaving Wednesday. I have to have my car serviced before I can leave.

I really am sorry thtat your friends have been so thoughtless and selfish. I wish that I could jerk a knott in them!

When you begin to really heal you will start attracking really healthy people that will truly be your friends and stick with you and respect you. You have such a warm caring heart and that combined with all the self-exploration that you are working on you will be a force to be wreckoned with.

Oh my goodness! what about your Yoga class? You were supposed to go tonight? How did that go? What about your walk did you go for a walk? I want to here all about the Yoga class! 🙂

Hug Yourself!

(((((Lost))))))

Precious

September 15, 2008
8:37 pm
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lostagain27
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Precious

I hate to report that I didn't make it to my yoga class. 🙁 but i did walk so I still feel like i did some kind of activity. I couldn't make myself go to yoga by myself but next Monday a friend of mine said they would go with me when they got back in town. They couldn't this week b/c they were out of town. I am the worst at doing things alone. But i am trying to make strides. This friend is someone from work so not from the friends i am mad at right now.

I read once that fear the worst possible thing to happen when in reality that fear my never come true so why worry about it? I thought to myself that is easier said than done my friend. I too worry about hering about my X having a grand relationship! UGH! But do you really think that will happen or just one of your worst fears you worry about coming true? Him getting engaged b/c you had hoped that to be you one day?

I know I am guilty of in the past of thinking that I could start a new relationsip and things would be better and I am the first person to tell you that is not going to happen unless you look at yourself and your actions and work on them! I see that now and I wish I would have figured that out 3 years ago!!! SO What i am getting at is your X will not have a great relationship with this woman b/c the same selfish things he did to you like your mother's viewing nad funeral he will do to someone else until he finally realizes everything doesn't revolve around him and you have to give and not take all the time in a relationship. There has to be some kind of balance somewhere.

I have to say reading what he did to you makes me ill! I can't believe he did that to you and I am so sorry my friend! Did you ever tell him how hurt you were by his actions? I can't believe he couldn't just put his own issues aside for a couple of days nad just come and support you. You do deserve better than that Precious. You really and truly do. As kind as you are nad thoughtful he doesn't deserve you! AHHH is right when you think about what you put up with sometimes i do the same thing.

What do I miss the most. It's so hard to answer but to be honest I miss the caring and compasionate person he was in the begining of our relationship. That's what i miss the most. And i do miss him sleeping next to me and his smell. I can walk into a department store and smell him and even if someone around me is wearing his cologne it takes me back. Ahhh.... but it makes me sad to think about it.
What about you? what do you miss the most?

Are you going to be able to make it to see your Therapist this week?

I hope you are having a great night!

(((Precious)))

September 15, 2008
9:54 pm
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Lost,

I completely understand about the yoga class. I have learned to do things alone, and it aint easy. Good for you for going walking though. I think that is awesome. I also think that is great that you found someone to go with you next week to your yoga class. This all takes time and patients. I think you are doing a great job.

I know that you are right about being healthy before really having a great relationship. But in this case I think about all those peolpe who that were in longterm relationships and broe up and 6 months later one of them was married. It is one of my worst fears. I mean I would be devestated Lost. That would mean that I was the reason that he left. I mean I know on some level that is not true but I do have that part of me that stirs and says "see it was you".

I have to admit it is very difficult for me to accept compliments but I do thank you for your kind words Lost. I am slowly beginning to realalize and believe this. I think? It is so hard for me. This what I struggle with the most.

I miss the exact same things that you do. Every once in a blue moon I will smell his cologne and panic. I panic because very few men wear his cologne. When I smell it I freeze because I think I am going to turn around and find histanding there. It was like this cologne was made just for him. Well I have to be honest and say that at first I missed him sleeping next to me but after awhile I realized that is a huge boundary for me and he lost all privilages and aint getting past that boundary that I have set. I draw my line in the sand there. He doesn't deserve my effections either.

Yes I will make it home to see the counselor. Iam just dreading that drive. YUCK!

Well, my friend I hope that you know that you deserve so much more than what your EX has/had to offer. You truly are so kind and understanding. I know that you will find a person that is just as kind, compassionate, and loving as you are. Not mention fun an loves football. We will get there my friend. It will happen when we are ready.

(((((Lost)))))

Precious

September 15, 2008
10:26 pm
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Oh Precious I too have a hard time accepting compliments. They say it's a codie quality. we need to both start taking those compliments and store them for our self esteem and growth! We are going to be some kick ass chicks before this is said and done!!! 🙂

Ok I know what you mean by that fear. I cried for the first two weeks when he left thinking that same exact thing would happen with my X. It would devastate me as well .But we can not think that way or dwell on it. It wouldn't be fair to you I agree on that since you spent so many years with him. But do not dwell on it. Just think about how much better you are goign to find. And how soon you will wonder what the hell you ever saw in him and he was jsut apart of your life for that long and you can be thankful he isn't there anymore. I will pray for this.

I know that has to be a very long drive. I love taking road trips. Gives me some time with my thoughts by myself. Sometimes my best thinking is driving somewhere for hours.

You too deserve someone better and will find that someone when you are ready as well. I hope that I am here to hear about it!

Have a good night I ma going to bed soon.

(((Precious)))

September 15, 2008
10:36 pm
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I hope that you have a restful night sleep. Dream sweet.

LOL! You are right we will be some HOT kick ass chicks when this is all over! 🙂 I hope we are both here when we meet are special someones. I am looking forward to it.

Thank you for listening Lost. I tell you what it means to have someone talk to who understands what I am going through and doesn't judge.

HAVE A GREAT DAY!!!!

((((Lost))))

precious

September 16, 2008
3:22 pm
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Precious

I hope you have had a good day so far. I am quite distracted with my thoughts today and can't concentrate to work. I just looked a the calender and I have three weeks until the wedding. It has sent me into panic mode thinking about it. I fear that wedding and dread it. How will i get through it? I don't want to face him.

I just wonder what he will say to me and how he will act towards me and if he brings a date with him.

I feel like i have prepared for this at all. I wanted to lose a bunch of weight i had gained to look good when i saw him and i wanted to be happy with myself but i am not.

Ugh!

Lost

September 16, 2008
6:13 pm
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((((Lost)))

I am having an anxious day. I have not prepared the papers for my lawyer that I was supposed to have for her last week. I do not know what my problem is but just keep procastinating. I asked my sister to help me and she agreed. Whew! But still it is a lot of pressure. My other sister is such a jerk. She just wont back off. And I so exhausted. This entire trial as sort of kept me truly grieving my Mother's death. She Just doesn't get it. She is very selfish I guess. Ugh! I really do not like talking about one of Mother's children that way, ya know. It breaks my heart. I just want to scream. I mean what she is really doing is hurting my Mother and Father. It just kills me. I try not worry because I know that I am telling the truth and she is lying but I can't help feel but feel so bad for my Mom and Dad. It is sooo sad.

Well, 3 weeks is actually a lot of time to preapre to see your EX. What is your greatest fear in seeing him?

I wish I knew what to say to help you get through this but I am just as lost as you are right now. What I try to think of is that I am being true to myself by being honest about my feelings and working through them. I know your situation is different in that it is social and mine is all business.

Please do not allow him to get to you this way hun. He is soooo not worth the energy expend on him. I promise. He doesn't live in the real world in the sense that he is capable of having real feelings at this point in his life. In his life is trying to escape all the feelings that he can with his drinking. It leaves no room for any real living.

Just work with your conselor in prapering to see your EX. You do have the option of not going. I know that you are a bridesmaid but you also have a responsibilty to take the best care of you first and formost.

Did you speak to your conselor about the meds. yet? Or did we talk about that after your last visit?

In regards to losing weight be fore the wedding 3 weeks is really a long time to do that. You have already been walking and will begin yoga classes next Monday. In te mean time just step up your walking and try to eliminat any unnecessary calories in your diet. I have found that the low carb diet worked best for me along with eating several small meals throughout the day.

Just take a deep breath and concentrate on today and worry about tomorrow when tomorrow gets here. Take a walk with your dog and do some deep breathing exercises as you walk. You will feel better.

((((Lost))))

precious

September 16, 2008
7:31 pm
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lostagain27
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Precious

I am sorry you have had an anxious day. They can really wear you down. It is sad that you sister is being this way and making you go through all of this. I really hope things work out for the best for you and you can finally end the grieving of your mother. You are really going through a lot lately and you should be proud of yourself for handling it so well.

My greatest fear in seeing him is all the emtions that it will bring to the table for me and what he might say to me really. And how I will feel the Sunday that it is over with and also knowing that might just possibly be the last I see of him for a good while until I have another social event that i have to attend with him there.

You are right he isn't worth my energy and i should not let him affect me but he still does.

THe last time i had to see him my counselor and I walked through every possible scenario that could arise. The only one we didn't talk about was the one where he didn't talk to me. So that upset me pretty bad. I called into work two days sick after seeing him b/c i was so crushed about him not speaking to me. It really hurt me and I was devastated.

Haven't spoken about the meds yet I will my next visist. We talked about it after my last visit. It is up on my list along with preparing for seeing him.

I wish i could say or do something to bring him back. But I know in reality that things wouldn't be the same or change. 🙁

I think I can shed a few pounds before then. I just have to really put my mind to it. It might be a good thing to focus on and get my mind off of things.

As far as not being in the wedding i am thinking about not doing it. I have to do the pros and cons of it really. If i don't do it it is truly for my own well being. but someting in me wants to so tha i can prove that i am ok without him and have moved on. I just don't want to fall apart in front of him or anyone.

I did take my walk today. It is so nice outside right now. the weather is plesant and not too hot! I love the fall.

I hope you are having a better eveing and not so anxious.

Have a safe trip home tomorrow.

(((Precious)))

September 16, 2008
8:00 pm
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lostagain27
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I just had a paranoid thought. A friend of ours is in town visiting for the week. I know she is here. I was always jealous of her b/c my X liked her before we started dating. So now i am all paranoid he will be around her and they will hook up and have a great realtionship and he will move to her city and they will get married. I can't get this out of my head. UGH! I hate when I get these thoughts in my head.
I would just be devastated if this were to happen.

See Precious you are not alone in those thoughts.

It's gut wrenching for me right now.

September 16, 2008
8:19 pm
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OKAY NOW! Take a really deep breath and calm down.

September 16, 2008
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How ya feelin now?

September 16, 2008
8:25 pm
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lostagain27
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I'm feeling better now. I just got carried away there for a moment.

September 16, 2008
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🙂 Good. Now. If your gut could talk what would it say?

September 16, 2008
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lostagain27
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It would say that there is no possible way that could happen and I am overreacting.

September 16, 2008
8:46 pm
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How are ya feelin now?

September 16, 2008
8:49 pm
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lots better! 🙂

Thanks... this is were my anxiety kicks in!

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