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Lostagain27 Friday night alone
September 5, 2008
10:57 pm
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lostagain27
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I have to say this is the first Friday night I have spent alone in probably 4 months. I thought I would write about it and share what I am thinking.

I felt like I needed some time to be by myself and not make plans. I have been all over the place with traveling and going out with friends to pass lonely times. So far so good. I have mainly read threads, shopped on the internet and watched some TV.

My brother and his 2 girls stopped by to see me by surprise. My youngest neice was selling raffle tickets and asked if i would buy some. I love my neices. they are still so sweet and innocent. One is very girly girl (Cheerleader) the other one is very sporty and intelligent. I wish they could stay innocent forever. Looking at them i don't want them to struggle in life with men like I have. I wish once I figure all this stuff out i can teach them about self worth and love.

They invited me over for pizza they don't live to far from me. I declined b/c tonight was going to be a night for me on the weekend. I pretty much stay in my home at night during the week but still have to go to work.

I have to say though sitting here makes me think of my X. I can remember when were together I would just pray that we could stay home for one night. Just one fun relaxing night at home. Lounging in our PJ's watching movies or TV and vegging out. But i could never get that. It was something I always wanted just some simple mundain thing like that to spend quailty time together that he could never give me. He always had to be on the go. we couldn't just sit and relax. Even if we did stay home he would just pout basically. To me i want someone who will sit beside me and love it even if we are not out partying or visiting friends. It's just that simple to me.

My X had to go out somewhere on the weekends. It was like wasted time to him if we didn't go to a bar or to a friend's home to drink. It was things like that that bothered me. It always had to be alcohol related. For me i like to drink but not every night where i waste my weekend. He didn't have fun without his friend in hand. It's sad to think about how you can't live your life without your Best Friend mister Alcohol. Alcohol was way better than me and more fun to him. It's like he had an affair with it. lol... i know that sounds funny but that is how i relate it. It actually makes me really angry. I just never got his thinking on things and why we he always had to drink to be happy or have fun. To me the small simple things in life are some of the funniest things in life!

To me weekends are about having fun but relaxing and doing things that need to be done as well (grown up in me) 🙂

What i am getting at is. I would pray to have some peace and quiet and now that i have this peace and quiet. No one to worry about, no one to entertain, no one to cater to, no one to make happy... but the funny thing is it makes me miss him ten times more. It's weird to me actually. You would think i would love this time i prayed for but i don't it makes me sad. I miss having someone to go and do things with or having plans when i got home on a Friday night even if it was to go to a bar. It's not a normal feeling for me I guess, this peace and quiet and not always on the go. It's alien as some would say. Just out of the norm.
I need to get used to it, used to this time with myself. It's so hard for me. I believe this is something a lot of us here struggle with. Being here all by myself makes me feel so lonely and unimportant. My animals enjoy it and they are great company but not enough.

September 5, 2008
11:39 pm
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helpplease
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hi lost!

I just posted a very similar post on my threat, which i called something about 'getting rid of a mean boyfriend.' I too, was having a hard day today thinking about the weekend but now it went away. i feel better. It seems to me that we're always wishing we were the ones on the other side of the fence. no? i think we always know deep within our hearts if something's not right. there's a reason for that and if i were you, i wouldn't worry about it!!

September 6, 2008
12:26 am
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PreciousG
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Lost,

Ask yourself this...Do I miss him or the thought of him?

I understand where you are coming from though. Part of you knows that you would not enjoy spending the evening "his way" but it sure would be better than being at home all alone! To me this is selling myself out, short, self-neglect whatever you want to call it. No matter how you look at it, it would still be all about him and what he wants not what at all about what you want.

I was in a similar situation. We always had to do things on his term, his way. HE would make think that we were going to do something that I wanted or my way. But, in the end he would cancel or come up with way to do it his way. I fell for it almost every time too. All I wanted was to be with him, so I thought. I am beginning to think it was like I didn't want to be alone and not so much him. I knew it too. To some degree I knew I was selling myself out. I would get so angry but would recover quickly because at least we were together. Can you say DENIAL!!! I know this know and go back to that.

His drinking was his best friend and you were the other woman. That is how many women who are dating or married to persons who are alcoholics describe it. It so very hard to compete with any additiction. Just please knwo and accept it that his drinking had absoloutley nothing to do with you. He drank becasue of his own demons not out of anything that you brought or took away from the relationship. I guarantee you this.

Yeah, Fridays seem to seek up on ya that way. All week you are busy and then whamo Friday is here and you ask yourself now what do I do? It is definetly alien. With the quiet comes the thinking and that is scary. I think more so now becasue everything is new and raw. We have had some insights and realizations about ourselves and the X's and we are stunned and saddened by this inaddtion to grieving the loss of the relationship. It is a lot to deal with.

I went to a high school football game where my nephew was playing in the band. It was difficult to see the couples there and not be with somone. I was missing my X or at least the thought of him anyway. I ask myself the question I asked you above all the time and I get varying answers. I am struggling with this. UGH!!! But as I ave said before I know some ugly truths and know that I cannot go back. It is realy a strange place to be.

I think that we are saddest about the realization that we didn't get our needs met and we settled. That is realy sad when you stop and thionk about it.

I think that I rabbling cuz I am so tired. I wil stop now cuz I think I stopped making sense long time back.

I understand everything that you have shared. I feel this way every weekend. I think that when I have some better handle on things it will improve.

((((Lost)))

Precious

September 6, 2008
9:33 am
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lostagain27
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Precious

I hope you got some good rest last night since you said you were tired. I love Highschool football games. Takes me back to highschool. The smells are always what takes me back and the sound of the band. I hope you had fun watching your nephews game. Couples also remind me of the fact that I am alone and being with friends b/c all of my friends have someone but I have to say sometimes looking at their drama makes me happy I am not in drama anymore. 🙂

That is a hard question for me to answer do I miss him or just the thought of him? I guess it is idea of him and what I wanted and what he couldn't give me. I get off track on this notion. I know I am better off without him but it's b/c i am so lonely without him that makes me question myself.

Precious I understand where you are coming from on the being mad and then recover quickly b/c you were still with him. Yes I did this too. Sounds like your X did some manipulation on the part of going back to what he wanted to do. My X did the same dang things. He would think he was compromising when in reality i was just say yes to them to make things peaceful not to make myself happy but to make him happy. That is all i ever did made sure that he was happy so i didn't piss him off. B/c i thought if i pissed him off he would leave me. Can we say abadonment issues on my part!!!

I am starting to come to the realizatin that yes his drinking was his own doing and his own actions not my fault. I thought about his childhood which i was apart of! And he drank just as much then. So yes it is not about me it is all about him. HIM HIM HIM. It was always about him. Everything!!!

when you said we didn't get our needs met and we settled makes me sick. When my X left he said he wasn't settling. Makes me upset. He wasn't settling what about me??? I put up with all his shit and he said he couldn't settle for me. That was a huge blow to the ego and something that still hurts and i can't get over.

Now i am rambling b/c it is 8 am here and i am still tired!

(((Precious)))

Lost

P.S. Kick off is only 6 hours away for you and 10 hours for me. 🙂 happy times

September 6, 2008
10:48 am
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Dear Lost -

Your ex left you for one, single reason: he had to have his "#1 Fix." Sure, sex and being loved are great for an alcoholic/addict. But their REAL, bottom-line need is their daily fix. You got in the way, so he had to leave. It was the only way he could continue to indulge in his addiction of choice with less hassle. You did not lose him to lack of love (he doesn't love anyone...not even himself). You lost him to his addiction. And once you understand addictions, you will also understand that there was never any contest. Booze was always going to be the winner. You were facing impossible odds. He is an alcoholic.

My heart goes out to you, but I am really glad that you are free from him. Someday, you will be with a great man who is NOT an alcoholic/addict and can really love you...and you will see and be grateful for the difference.

- Ma Strong

September 6, 2008
12:40 pm
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Hi Lost,

I did get some rest. Thank you.

I agree about he drama with couples. There was a couple sitin behind me in the stands and th ewife wa talking about going to the Keys to see Jimmy Buffet in concert. Her husband was such a jerk. He was saying no you are not and will fordid you from going! He was saying all of this in front of his daughter too! I was so angry! I wanted so badly to turn around and jerk a knott in both of them. Imagine what the duahgter is learning from that interaction between her parents? She doesn't stand a chance and I blame both of them.

Part of the reason that I trying so hard to heal myself is like you said in an earlier post about being there for your nieces. I have 5 nieces, 2 nephews, 1 great niece and 1 great nephew, and one great somthing on the way. I wnat to be a good role model for each of them. Like you Ican't stand the thought any of them growing-up and going through what I have. It would really break my heart. I think of them when I have a week momment and ask myelf what would it look to to them and what massage would I be sending if I did whatever it was I was thinking of doing. WOW!!! I go through an aray of questions before I act! Well st least where the X is concerned anyway.

You wrote:
"I am starting to come to the realizatin that yes his drinking was his own doing and his own actions not my fault. I thought about his childhood which i was apart of! And he drank just as much then. So yes it is not about me it is all about him. HIM HIM HIM. It was always about him. Everything!!! "

You are getting it Lost!!! When you forst wrote that you were the cause of his drinking I just screamed NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Then I thought it is going to be a great day when she finally gets that it was not her and it was all him. And, today is that day. Now I am screaming WOOOOOOHOOOOO!!! YES! YES! You got it! You are getting it!!!! I am so proud of you. High 5 to ya girl! Hug yourself! YES!!!!

It makes me sick too that I went so long it such great denial about getting my needs met or not met rather. It made me sick to write about it cuz I wasfacing yet another truth. Wow!

You wrote:
" When my X left he said he wasn't settling. Makes me upset. He wasn't settling what about me??? I put up with all his shit and he said he couldn't settle for me. That was a huge blow to the ego and something that still hurts and i can't get over."

OK!!!! Now I know that you are getting it! The first time that you wrote that he was settling and you new it was true I just cringded! And Agin SCREAMED NOOOOOOO!!!!!!! I was just like she can't realy believe this with everything else she just shared? I said to myself man onday this girl is going to wake up and get this and I hope that I am there when she does cuz man wont she be relieved and how happy will she be! I love to see other poeples light bulbs go on! The most important sentce in that entire paragraph that you wrote is "what about me??? " EXACTLY!!!! He wasn't settleing you were.

Again I am really proud of you Lost. You mut be feeling pretty good right about now? Keep up the great work!

Wooooo 3 hours to kick-off for me and
51/2 for you!

May te best team win!!! 😉

GO DAWGS!!!!!!!

((((((LOST))))))

Precious

September 6, 2008
9:20 pm
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WHO LET THE DAWGS OUT!!! WOOF WOOF!!!! CMU 17 UGA 56!!!! WOOOHOOO!!!! Although, UGA didn't look that good. I am a little worried to tell you the truth. THe defense look really weak. Yikes!

Last I checked Bama 13 Tulane 0!!!

Hope your party is going wild!!!! Mine was very quiet! Anywho it was nice to see a UGA game though. Beats being by myself!

GO DAWGS!!!!

((((Lost)))))

September 7, 2008
3:01 am
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ROLL TIDE ROLL!!! 20-6 Wahoo! We played like crap not the same team that played last week that's for sure! I have no idea what happened. Maybe egos??? Who knows.
I caught some of the UGA game. I thought they looked great! Knowshon Moreno made a beatiul leap over the central michcigan player. It was beautiful!!! I am so glad that both of our teams won! Yes it does beat being alone that is for sure. It is almost 2 am and everyone has finally left. Nothing too wild tonight. "All my rowdy friends are starting to settle down." lol...

Thanks Precious it does feel good to finally see some light about him. Now if i can just keep the focus on me now and not on him like i have been for months things would get better for me. I feel like I have been on a thinking overload lately. All i ever do it think, think and think some more. Sometimes I scare myself about the things I can pull up and remember!!!

I walked away years ago from a 7 year unhealthy relationship and felt so good about it and about me b/c i knew i deserved better. I want that feeling again. It was the most liberating and peaceful feeling the whole world. Of course i was devastated but at the same time i got through it.
I often thought several times with my current X that i did deserve better but stayed into b/c i didn't want to be alone and face myself when i was alone and the dating world. I have see that now too. I guess this breakup just made me stop dead in my tracks and say "why is this happening to me again" there has to be a reason. That's why i started counseling from the day he left but not until about a couple of weeks ago have I let myself really admit my flaws. Either I didn't want to believe it or seeing that others too had these issues helped me say hey you know what that is me I do have issues. I was in DENIAL!!!
For me I can think on it and I see that i was spending all my time trying to figure him out and still do but I want to focus more on me b/c i am the one who will be with ME for the rest of my life!
It will be hard b/c like I said it is very alien to me but by God i am going to do it.

Thanks for being proud of me and thinking things through with me. It really helps a whole bunch!

(((SUPER Hugs)))

Ma thanks for posting. I love when you do post. You have so much knowledge. Yes I don't really understand all this addiction thing. but i am starting to realize it wasn't about me and it was about him. He couldn't have possibly loved himself!!! I did nothing to make him do the things he did. It was his choice and i didn't make him do them.

Others have often told me many times that I should be thankful and one day I will have a sigh of relief that he left b/c it was the best thing that happen to me and I might just actually thank him. It is my goal to get him out of my head and move on and make me better for me!

(((MA)))

September 7, 2008
1:27 pm
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What a night!!! Both teams won. Well for now I will celebrate both wins cuz we both needed some fun. But! I can't promis this same kindness throughout the remainder of the season! We will each be on our own eventually you know. Every man for himself! The SEC title, and bowl games and all. 😉 HEHEHEHEHE

That leap that Knowshon Mereno made was AMAZING!!!! I thought UGA looked good but the defense has a lot of work to do.

Lost, you have really come a long way sense you first started posting. Your willingness to face those things that you once seemed to be so frighten of is inspiring. Keep up the hard work girl!

((((Lost))))

September 7, 2008
6:26 pm
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Yes eventually we will be going head to head. LOL!!! I love football!

I need to go back and write down all of my moments where i have shared my thoughts and feelings and where i admitted things i have done that I belive are not healthy and want to work on so i can share them this week with my counselor. I am looking forward to meeting with him. I haven't seen him in a month!

September 7, 2008
7:06 pm
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lostagain27
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Sundays are so hard on me. It's when everyone is taking it easy and relax at home with their significant others. So basically it is me by myself. It's so lonely and usually the worst day of the week for me. I am not going to dwell on it. I am going to just acknowledge this feeling and move on from it. I just had to post about it here to get it off of my chest.

I am currently watching "my best friends wedding". I love love story movies. Makes you dream of something like that.

September 7, 2008
7:20 pm
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Hi Lost Again--I know exactly how you feel about Sunday's. I can include Friday's and Saturday's also. Today I laid in bed forever before I got up. I could see it was a nice day out, but not enough to roust me out.

I recieved a phone call that rousted me out of bed and motivated me to shower. I took my bike out and got on it which was a mental struggle. Ended up going to a friend's to visit unannounced for a bit, then road to my brothers and his house needed major help so I did a bit there. Then on to another friend's house to let her three dogs out--they are traveling.

Came home and made a sad dinner and on line to see how all my friends are.
What did you do with your day?

It is all I can do to get out sometimes.

September 7, 2008
7:24 pm
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Yay Sundays are the worst. Actually it is a toss up for me between Fridays and Sundays.

The absoloute worst for me is a beautiful sun shiny day with nothing but blue skies. OMG! That is when I miss my X the most. When we first started dating we would go to the lake aand sit it the grass anad talk for hours. It was the best time ever. It was a great beginning for a relationship. One that I couldn't wait to tell my kids about.

Anyway, I have seen that moving. I wish someone would run after me like that. Or maybe not. Well only if it were genuine love and not some crazed idiot! HAHA

You what Lost. I am so sick and tired of people telling that i have to learn to be by myself. I don't want to be by myself. I mean I like my space don't get me wrong. BUt I also like to have someone there to share things with and to cuddle with ya know? I mean if share that we others there like that's cuz you are sp-depenedent it is not healthly to want to not enjoy being by yourself. Just I want someone around that is not healthy. Is it? I don't know. My best friend would always get on me about that. You have to enjoy being with you he would say.

Thanks for letting me vent. Enjoy your movie. You are not alone. Hug yourself.

PreciousG

September 7, 2008
7:51 pm
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lostagain27
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Sad about it
Good for you for getting up and moving can't say the same thing for myself. I too laid in bed longer than usual thinking of what I could do. Go to the store and buy much needed groceries, go to the bookstore and pummel through the self help section, or go shopping for a dress for an upcoming event. I didn't do any of that I was still tired so I moved to the couch slept the day away and order junk food to be delivered and am now watching this movie. Now i feel bad about not getting out but couldn't make myself.
So good for you for finding the strength to do so.
I guess Friday, Saturday and Sunday are always my worst days it just depends what day it and if i am alone or not.

(((sad)))

Precious

I too don't understand why everyone says you have to learn to enjoy being by yourself. It gets old quick b/c I don't really get it. How can you do that? I struggle with this. I am the same way I love having the company of someone else to talk to and to cuddle and share things with. It always seems so much nicer than being content by myself. Maybe this is something we both need to work on figuring out. Maybe others understand this concept but we have never had a chance to do it but now we do have the chance to figure this out.

My X and I started our relationship at the lake. We sat up for hours each night talking about our dreams and what we wanted out of our lives and relationships. We ended up dating two weeks after this trip. Makes me smile to think about. Those were are the days that i miss about him. That is what I miss not the person he became.

Hang in there Precious!
Hugs!!!

September 7, 2008
8:15 pm
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YAy, I miss that person as well. Definetly not the person he bacame. Then I ask myself was he always that person and I just missed the red flags.

See this is where I got stuck and left off in counseling before going to my sister's to help her with her surgery and then staying awy beceause of the hurricane.

I have spoken with my counselor once since I have been away. I was struggling with contacting him. I also struggle with my counselor saying that what I experinced when I saw him was familiarity and not love. I saw hi in July at his parents house. The emotions that I experince were amazing. I mean I was there to let him know that he had beeter come through for my Mom regarding court. He has to testify. Then we ended up spending the day together talking. We could always talk for hours at a time. I have never had that with anyone else before or since. He said that he felt the same way. So my question to my counselor was how does she know that it is familiarity and love? I just get it or don't want to get it I guess.

When I asked her about it when I spoke to her she said that she thought I was dealing with love addiction or something to that effect. That really pissed me off. She gave ne a website to visit and I looked only once. I have been basically avoiding it until I see her again.

As I have said before I have a long way to go. I have handle on the no contact but it is the other stufff that I have to work on now.

I can't wait to see her again. SHe is the bomb. I can't believe it has been a month since you last saw your therapist. What happened that you have gone?

Man this brings up some stuff. I really miss him now. I hope that I have not brought you down.

((((Lost))))

September 7, 2008
9:44 pm
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lostagain27
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Precious!!! No you did not bring me down. I have my own ups and downs thanks to this wandering mind I have! I feel like I have brought you down now! You have been so upbeat and I don't like to see you down but it happens.

I think I missed the red flags I can pin point them... all of them!!! But at the same time I knew who he was since we were friends for 10 years. I knew it was a challenge when I began a relationship with him but he made me feel so good about myself and I had a connection with him that I never had with anyone in my whole life so I went for it.
I know what you mean you could talk to him for hours. I felt the same with my X.

I don't have any advice on the familiarity that your conselour speaks about. I can't comment on it. It makes me think about my own experiences. I saw my X back in July too but we didn't speak. We were at a party and stayed on opposite sides of the room. That hurt me. But anyways back to you. I wish I had some advice on this topic but I don't. I hope she can clarify some more on this topic for you and I would love to hear what she says.

Sounds like you have a lot going on with going to court b/c of your mom and then your X testifying and having to deal with the break up and codepency. That has to be a whole lot to deal with! My thoughts are with you and I send you lots and lots of support!

I am afraid to say that I too am a love addict. Another concept hard to grasp for me.

I haven't gone in a month b/c i was pissed at him. I felt I needed a break from all of it. Now I feel like I can go back and talk to him about this codependency thing and actually face it and talk about what i have discovered. And when i say pissed b/c he called me out on this stuff. He said that i knew what I wanted and who I was b/c i talk about it so much but that i just don't want to believe it yet. It made me think and made me angry. So i am going back this week to discuss stuff.

I miss my X too. A lot actually. I struggle with no contact as well. I debate in my head on calling or emailing him just to say hey. But i stop myself b/c i know it would just make me ten times more sad.

Hang in there!!! keep your head up. Keep venting I know how much it helps!

(((Precious)))

September 8, 2008
12:25 pm
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So today I am just cranky as all get out! Not sure what is up with that. I don't like it but I am in a bad mood. I am tired, don't want to be here at work... working that's for sure and people are getting on my nerves. Two people have asked me today if i am alright. I guess it is showing. I want to say " no i am not, my life sucks and has fallen apart" that's what i really want to tell them but i don't. I just say i am in a bad mood today. I am usually never this way and i hate when i am.

I want my life back.

September 8, 2008
2:49 pm
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Lost,

I got mad at my counselor at first when she said I was codepndent. I wanted to run hard and fast. But I thought I would try something different. When I would angry with someone I would run or bottle things up inside. So what I did was tel her that I was angry and we worked it out. I was really glad that I didn't run. Plus I got great practice in facing my anger and confronting others. But I am angry again about the love addiction thing. I will disscuss this with her when I see her again. I will definetly let you no what she has to say about the familiarity love thing.

Yay I have wanted to contact my X too. But I do not want to be rejected anymore and deal with that pain. Not to mention the fact that I would be doing it to myself. How bad would that suck. Once you know the truth there's go back.

I am sorry that you are having a cranky day. It comes with the territory though. I find that I get cranky when I have some light bulbs turn on and I feel better for awhile then the crankiness kicks in. I think I know why this happens but not well enough to put into words just yet. When I can you will be first I tell. HAHAHA.

I hear when you say that you want your life back. I feel that way sometimes too. But what life would we getting back? Ya know? Man this sucks don't it?!!!!!! So frustrating at times too!!! UGHHHH!!!!!

I hope that you have a better evening! Hug youself.

((((Lost))))

Precious

September 8, 2008
3:49 pm
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Let's make a list of everything that is wrong with them. R wore tidy whiteys and his cats ate off the kitchen counter! YUCK!!!!!

Bitsy

September 8, 2008
4:18 pm
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Precious

I too am really bad about not stating that I am angry or saying that I am and backing down from it in fear that my X would leave me. I never stayed mad at him long b/c i always felt I was overeacting about things and since they were no that big of a deal to him then why should they be to me. I hate confrontation and I am scared to death of it. I also need to work on this as well.
Also what is so sad to say is that when we got into fights i would always worry he would leave me over it. it would send paniac through me and would last for days on end.

I asked myself that question after I posted. what life do I want back??? Not sure. A very disfunctional one? It stuff is so rough sometimes!

I hope i have a better evening as well.

How are you today Precious???

((( Precious)))

(((Bitsy)))
that made me laugh! Tidy whiteys are the worst!!! My X wasn't very well endowed. I can at least complain about!!!

September 8, 2008
4:25 pm
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suzieQ_85
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how are you now lost, did your day get better?

September 8, 2008
4:29 pm
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lostagain27
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SuzieQ,

My mood has lifted some. it wasn't until after lunch when i ate that I actually started to feel a little bit better. I must have been hungry. Plus I have PMS which never helps. lol...But not as ill as this morning.
Thanks for asking.

How r u?

September 8, 2008
4:58 pm
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PreciousG
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Lost,

Today I am mostly frustrated, and little angry, and sad.

The saddest thing to me is that when I was with him and we had an argument I would get angry and yell and try to stand my ground and he would walk away and I would go chase him! And all the while I knew exactly what I was doing. I was too scared to try anything different because I didn't think that he would come back. How CRAZY is that?

I am trying to figure out what I so scared of. Was I really scared of losing HIM or being alone? I mean I look at him now and think he really was not that great of a catch. I guess. I do know that I do not want to be involved in helping someone tear me down anymore just so they can feel better about themselves. I am done with that!!!!

You are right sometimes this stuff is so heavy. What day do you see your therapist? I can't wait to get home and see mine.

((((lost))))

Precious

September 8, 2008
5:11 pm
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lostagain27
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Oh Precious! ((())) I know exactly what you are thinking and how you feel.

What you just described and questions yourself about when you got angry at your X is exactly what I would do! exactly I can't give you any advice b/c i can't answer that question for myself. heck i have never admitted this to anyone until now. I am ashamed of myself.
It's not crazy to me b/c i have been there and done that. But I have to say at least you are thinking about it and aknowledging it. it's a step in the right direction! Everything that you think about and question yourself on and ask why and try to figure it out is growth. If you can figure out those answers and then work on them you will become a better person.

You do deserve better than being with someone who tears you down just to feel better about themselves. that is postive and great thinking there. You are figuring out what you want for yourself!

I wish I could give you better advice and sound reasoning. you always give it to me!!!

I go to the counselor On Wednesday.
Do you know when you are headed back home?

(((Precious)))

September 8, 2008
5:48 pm
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PreciousG
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Lost,

I have not admitted that to anyone either until now. You have truly helped me to open up. Thank you. Sometimes it is not the advice that others have to share but their courage to look at themselves honestly that is important. I sense in your postings how scared and sad you are but from the beginning you have been brave and extremely honet and just put it out there. You really inspire me to do the same. I am so glad that you are here.

You may not have the advice or answers but you being you is HUGE support. I can't thank you enough. ((((LOST))))

I think that sometimes that the acknowledgement of things is hardest part. Cuz when you do finaly have a light bulb go off you want to run and hide. Well at least do. Like now, just admitting it out loud is making me want to run. But I wont. It wont do no good! HEHEHE!

My counselor just called me. How strange is that? I am hoping to go home tomorrow or Wednesday. I have court Thursday, supposedly. I have not yet heard from my lawyer. Guess I will be calling first thing in the morning. i am scheduled to see my therapist next Wednesday. I am so not ready to go to court. I want to this end but I am not ready first to deal with my sister and secondly I am definetly not ready to see my X. This is going to be so emotional he wont be hugging me or anything. In one way I am ok with it but in another it truly SUCKS! UGH!!!! I want things to go back to the way there were. But I know the truth now and I know that would be so self destructive. Why does he have to be that way? Why can't he just be normal? Whatever that is right? Why i do have to be this way? Sometimes, like at this very minute I shake my self and SCREAM GET A LIFE PRECIOUS!!!! UGH!!!!! I can be so silly! But at least I am being honest with my self. If I do not acknowledge ny feelings they will back up on me and I will explode. Oh My!! Some days this is so exhausting!!! Is it not?

I rammbaling again so I stop for now! 🙂

((((Lost))))

Precious

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