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lost self
October 1, 2002
7:00 pm
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big v
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__________________________________

i have been going to therapy for depression and have been on meds. as i have been getting better i got to a point of feeling very calm, loving, tender, in tune with the world. this was great because this is the person i really want to be. however, in another discussion, i got to the point of too much pain that i had an emotional shutdown that voided all those feelings.instead of going back to the point of where i was in my depression (soft, nonjudgemental, quiet,timid, vulnerable)i needed up with my old personality that has shut down emotions in the past..very tense, anxious, happy to cover up true sadness. question is how can i get back to the quasi depressed state with the person that i want so i can continue up the ladder to a point where i can feel truly happy? i am in pain with my person. my husband says of your back to normal,,, your good old self...i don't want this one i want the new one. people have told me that when you get back to normal you are yourself only better. somehow this old self got in here and wiped out all my soft good loving feelings. any suggestions

October 1, 2002
7:10 pm
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Molly
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Listen to your heart, when your heart, and head are together, your there. Be careful where you get your advice, there may be an agenda. If you feel good celebrate, if your not there yet keep working it, but don't ever let some one take away your natural high.h

October 1, 2002
7:47 pm
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mossrose
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My news years resolution for this year was to "listen to my heart and follow it no matter where it took me"
I have been doing just this and it has taken me out of a VERY abusive and destructive marriage and life style and into a life that is also painful but i am free and my heart is rejoicing. It hurt so much to pull free of those bonds that were bonds of flesh and blood that i had to a mate who was so controlling, manipulative, deceitful and uncaring but i took myself and my children into a wonderful future free of the cycle of abuse and pain.
Listen to your heart and your when your head is in sync with it, you are who YOU are meant to be.
Great advice molly.

October 1, 2002
9:37 pm
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I'm sure your husband loves you very much....... but isn't true that men have trouble with change? Which doesn't mean your responsible for keeping things tidy, unchanged, in a box.

I take meds and felt super cool for awhile. then I actually found out that the meds doping up. I'm on a new one now, but it isn't a typical antidepressant.

October 2, 2002
8:43 am
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beenthruthat
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Hi big V~

Meds help you get BACK on track, so that you can get some focus and some good feelings coming back. This should then allow you to work on the triggering factor(s) that caused the depression in the first place.

It's pretty normal to have times when you discover something upsetting about yourself or in your situation. The tendency is to shut down, as you described. But, by glimpsing these revelations, you can begin slowly resolving the issues. Certainly your husband might like you all steady and happy looking from the medication. But that could not be a sustained happiness unless you go through the processes needed to resolve the depression INSIDE of yourSelf.

Your journey here is a very private one. Your husband is not in the spot you are now, and so he has a hard time understanding where you are at. You can try to explain to him, but he is not in your shoes. It is important for you to be introspective right now. If he can support you that makes it that much easier. If not, that doesn't mean you have to stop discovering so that you can get over the depression once and for all, and also keep it from coming back in the future. You know, give you some 'tools' for handling stress and for getting in touch with your inner thoughts and feelings.

Good luck to you. Don't worry so much right now what others, even your husband, think. You need to tend to yourself as much as you can right now. Though it is tough right now, I think you will benefit in the long run.

If you get a chance, maybe look at some of the stories on this board. Some of these people are truly amazing!

🙂

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