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Lost Respect and Found Obessive Thoughts
November 8, 2006
12:10 pm
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ShortCake
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I am reading lots of books and doing great with my recovery. However, I keep doing little things that set me back and upset me.

First, I have not learned to stand up for myself. I am a pleaser who will do anything to please another person. After a while those people I please take advantage of me and start showing me disrespect. Is there a way to earn back respect in relationships and friendships? Can a person re-establish respect?

My ex and I are trying to be friends, and this is an up and down roller coaster ride. The big problem blocking my recovery is my lack of believing I deserve more respect and my obsessive way of thinking. I keep looking at my exs (current friend) myspace website and I end up looking at their friends to see what they are doing and saying. Really its little stuff, he works with teenagers and people in their early 20's and I see how they all connected together and include him in their invites and plans to hangout.... Its normal drama for his job (He works at a restaurant with lots of younger people) but after reading things and digging in places I don't belong I end up angry and my mind races with theories of its own. I am trying to learn to not look at the site, keeping in mind I have no control over what he is doing, but it is still hard. He knows I look at times because I am on his site too (as a friend) and he knows I like to profile people, so sometimes I feel he is using his website as a way to control and upset me.

Throughout my recovery I am learning a lot about myself and my main problems. I am a pleaser who will always take second place. I don't demand much respect if any. Plus, I get obessive over his profile, but I never tell him what I see or read, I keep it all inside. The pleaser in me does not want to rock the boat and upset him or our friendship.

As for my friendship with this ex, I am not ready to let go... I know I will be as time goes on, and as I become stronger, but right now I am not at that stage yet...

Does anyone have any advice on how to stop obessing about someones myspace profile, or someones life other then their own. I start to feel my recovery books are working, and my codependency is getting better ever day, until I do something like this... I have cut back on how much I look, but I still look at least once a day and during that time, my heart falls and I am sad for a long period of time. I am only upsetting myself.

Any advice on how to control silly obessions? I can't stay off the computer since I work on it all day, plus the stuff I read is not horrible, its just upsetting to me, because I put to much thought into everything....

I know I have a long journey ahead of me. I know my recovery is going to take a long time. As I study, I cry and greif for all the time I have wasted allowing others to take advantage and control me... I feel broken at times!

Shortcake

November 8, 2006
1:06 pm
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jjt1
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This may hurt, but this is what worked for me recently- like within the last month. I told my ex (trying to be friends) to take me off of his friend list and to make his myspace profile private. I cannot see it at all, all i can see is his little picture. I also asked him to delete all posts from my account that were about our relationship etc. It hurt, and i felt like it was such a mistake for days, but now- i feel so much better knowing that i can't check it..that i can't see who he is flirting with, who his new friends are, where he is going to be this weekend etc.

I am having a hard time cutting my cord with him too. it isn't easy.

jjt

November 8, 2006
5:34 pm
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ShortCake
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jjt,

Thank you! His myspace profile is already set to private. Our friendship is tough because we are super close and he truly just wants to be friends right NOW because he can't deal with his emotional feelings. We are ONLY friends, no benifits (he does have a high level of respect for me). I am also super close to his family. I am close friends with his mom who said to just give him some space and time. She said, he is going through a lot... My friends keep telling me she is just saying that because she wants him and I to have a happy ending. She keeps telling me how good I am for her son... I think all codependence have heard how great we are for the person we are trying to recover from... I guess I laugh at that statement... maybe my recovery is finally working.

Therefore, when I get to the point where I am ready to stop the crazy and inforce no contact, I will delete him as my friend from mysapce and the wall will go up. With his profile closed, I will only be able to see his picture... I like what you wrote, it makes me feel like I can find some control when I am ready to let go... I have OPTIONS!!! Thank you for sharing, at least I know I can put a full STOP to the crazy... I just need to keep reading my books and prepare myself for that next move!!! Its tough with Thanksgiving and the holidays approching. I am going to his familys house, we are going away for the weekend... OYE!!! I am working on giving him and I more space, and he is taking the space I offer... I feel myself wanting to love me enough to change and respect myself... I am getting there slowly.

Thanks to this great website!!!! I feel like I have a support group that understands me and my crazy thoughts... Thanks everyone! Thanks for always writing and offering advice. I will get through this a stronger person!

November 8, 2006
6:52 pm
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gracenotes
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Shortcake,

I used to be obsessive about someone else's website, but I just am not anymore. I also used to obsessively want things to be different between this person and I. Not a romantic relationship, but a mentoring type of person very important to me.

Interesting that one of the issues between this person and me was that she felt that I did not respect her, and thus, I had a lot of behavior thrown at me that I considered disrespectful.

I did many things to get out of this obsession. Saved my life. I read Pia Mellody's book Facing Love Addiction. That helped me to identify what the problem is. Love addiction does not just occur in romantic relationships, it can be a friend, teacher, even a son or daughter. I then did work to empower myself. I created my own myspace website, I started spending more time around people who saw my strengths, not my weaknesses. This has meant, for now, a moratorium on spending time around my formerly closest friend, but that's okay. Maybe we will hook up again, but it will have to be different than it was. I also began to develop my talents and my interests and found that I am really good at some things. We all are. I developed more of a sense of my own identity, instead of trying to get all wrapped up in someone else's persona. I also have seen a psychotherapist for short-term trauma related work with EMDR to help me end this belief that I am less than, not as good as others and heal some old traumas. So far, just three sessions have worked miracles.

I also made a commitment to No Contact with this person, and it has been almost four months. I have also been here at this site almost every day and all of you have been so much help.

Believe me, my life has changed so much. My life has been an absolute joy today. And, this joy has nothing to do with other people, it is an inside job that has to do with how I feel about myself.

Those are my answers. I would just try to work on improving yourself. After awhile, when one feels better about oneself, what other people think or don't think really does not matter. And this is from someone who, less than six months ago, almost built my whole identity on the opinions of others.

November 9, 2006
11:15 am
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gracenotes
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Wow, I too am wondering if this site is right for me. There was another thread about this recently.

I am so happy with the positive changes in my life, and after a day, no one has any comments??? That's really too bad.

November 9, 2006
11:44 am
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ShortCake
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gracenotes,

Thanks for you thoughts. They make a lot of sense. I need to really focus on me. Right now I am reading my books and I reliezed last night I am really ANGRY. I am at this weird stage in my recovery where I am angry at certain people who control me and then I am mainly angry at myself for allowing it.... This step in my recovery is new and kinda scary... On the other hand its a relief to relieze I deserve more... I am finally getting that.... I need to stay focused on my recovery and myself. I have some obsticals to face and I hope I face them knowing and requiring more respect!

Thank you so much to everyone! This site helps me a lot, and opens my mind to knowing I can do this and I do deserve better. My recovery books are great, but this site reminds me everyday that I am not alone!!!

Shortcake

November 9, 2006
6:26 pm
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gracenotes
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Shortcake,

Thanks for your thoughts!

I think that its perfectly normal to be angry at a certain stage in recovery, especially at people who are trying to be controling. Anger is a good thing felt and used constructively. Its a mobiling force to get going to the next step, and it sure sounds like you are doing a lot of growing!! To me, it is also a way of defining what I do and do not want.

I have absolutely been through this stage. In fact, I was so angry at my former (?) closest friend that I walked out of her house, stated I was tired to being defined so negatively by her and I had had enouh. That day, I had gone over to say hi and was so full of energy and excitement about some things and she felt it was her job to squash me and define me negatively.

But, this is kind of amazing to me now... Now that I am not spending time with her, I find that I can begin to appreciate little positive things people do and say, and actually believe that they might be true. I am also rethinking what friendship is, who exactly is supportive towards me, who I feel supportive towards, who I would like to know better, and I realized I missed, just could not really "take in" some kind things that had been said and done. Hmmmm. I think my own belief system is kind of changing and I am seeing myself as a more valuable person. Today, I could truly appreciate what a wonderful gynecologist I have. I went in for my yearly checkup, and it was even a pleasure to have this appointment. She said some great things to me about how care so much about good health, am doing the right things, and it is showing. Today, maybe because I really feel better about me, I could take this in and feel good, because I am working on all aspects of good physical and mental health.

Of course, the answer is not always about ending relationships with other people, and I don't want that to be the outcome of all of this, but I had to get mad at her as a way of not accepting her negative attitudes towards me. Hope this makes sense.

November 10, 2006
3:49 pm
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ShortCake
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gracenotes,

Thanks so much for everything you wrote.

I was surprised by this angry stage I have entered. I have stopped crying and started looking at my true self, friends, family and relationships. If I cry, I cry because I am angry at myself for allowing people to treat me badly. Then I tell myself to self love and forgive myself. I would forgive others, why is hard to forgive me??? However, I am even starting to just accept its time for me to move forward and stand up to ALL who treat me bad. I want to be treated the way I treat others. I want respect, love, and openness to now have to always agree with people. I am my own person.

I can relate to a friend treating me badly and negatively. If anything, I am more mad at her then anyone. I have discovered how badly she used me and when things did not go her way, and she could not control me she hit the road and ditched me and our 2 year friendship. I am mad at how she could do this to me... how she could use me until I was no longer her puppet... I am learning and I am studding everyday!!!

I allow this guy to use me and control me, but he is really not even the main source of all my angry, I am learning my codependcy is beyond just this man, its all around me... my friendships, family and men!!! I guess its a time for self discovery and that alone can be scary... But with this website I don't fell alone... this helps!

Thanks for the support!
Shortcake

November 11, 2006
8:03 pm
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gracenotes
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Shortcake,

Sounds like you are doing a good job hanging in there. What is happening to me these days is that I feel a little lonely, after all this friend was a big part of my life, and no word from her for weeks about anything. I guess she does not feel sorry for her beahvior.
But there are gifts in everything. I am simply noticing how kind people can be, paying more attention to the healthier people in my life, and also thinking about and working on my plans for the future, and doing things to ensure a better and different future.

Take care. We are all learning.

November 14, 2006
3:14 pm
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ShortCake
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gracenotes,

Thanks!

One of my girlfriends has done the same thing to me. She walked away and never looked back at our friendship. However, with her negative energy away from my life, I have found more peace and self control. I just need to figure out how to get more self control over this MAN in my life!!! I will keep studying and learn to love myself.

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