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Lost my sweet little dog yesterday....
October 25, 2006
12:29 am
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veggiemom
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I just have to get this all out. My little 4 pound dog got run over by a car yesterday. He is gone. He slipped out the door the night before and it took me awhile to realize he had gotten out. I looked up and down my street for him, he never wandered unless he was scared by something, but couldn't find him. I had to wait until morning to look further, and while I was posting "lost" signs, I found him on the highway, it was obvious there was no hope.

The most horrible thing is that since I have been having a hard time with life for the past year or so, I really lost patience with him. He was always peeing all over the place, and since he was left alone during my long workday, he scratched at the door, tearing it all up, as well as the blinds, trying to get a peek out the window. And I was constantly complaining, griping about him and how I couldn't take it anymore, that I didn't have time or energy to keep up with all the messes he made.

I feel like complete sh** for acting like this, for losing patience and not giving him the love he deserved. I was not always like that, I did give him love, but his love to me was unconditional, and constant, and mine wasn't. I feel so evil. I hate myself for this and I do not know how I can live with myself and this guilt.

I just needed to get it out. I am having a hard time with this. If only I could have one more day I would show him how much I really did love him. I did not deserve his unconditional love.

October 25, 2006
12:45 am
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revelation
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Ah no, this is so sad. I remember coming here when I lost my lovely cleo-baby, our shih-tzu. And he knows you loved him veggiemom...he really does, so don't be worrying about giving him a hard time.

What gave me great comfort was reading about rainbow ridge...have you read about that?

When Cleo passed away, a very kind soul from this board, told me about rainbow ridge and gave me this poem...so now I'm passingit on to you:

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

Author unknown...

October 25, 2006
1:17 am
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Travlin_lite
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veggimom,

Your dog loved you unconditionally, this has to be so hard for you, I send you angel hugzzzzzzzzz He will watch over you always!

October 25, 2006
1:32 am
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veggiemom
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Thank you both...

rev, that is so beautiful, I have never seen it before. You have to know it got me crying all over again. Thank you so much.

October 25, 2006
3:36 am
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Zinnie
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Veggie Mom,

As Mom to three pups, and the loss of many others - the Poem, actually based on an old Nordic belief has always brought me comfort.

There is also a most wonderful site, run by an awesome lady - and they do have a "grief support" moderated chat on certain nights I believe. I found solace in the site and stories, but, never took part in the chat - but the again... the site is comforting.

It is: http://www.rainbowsbridge.com

Much love,

Z.

October 25, 2006
10:38 am
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caraway
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Veggie,

I am sorry to hear about your pup. I lost my cat a few years ago, he was 8, and a loyal friend. I had ended a realtionship and moved to an apartment and after two months began to let him out at night.

I still miss him and feel some responsibility but I have some fond memories. Try not to be so hard on yourself.

Cary

October 25, 2006
11:01 am
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Rasputin
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Oh vm I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet dog. I have a kitty which I adopted 5 years ago and I love her so much and she actually sleeps beside me on my bed. When she gets diarrhoea, I start to pray for her till she gets well.

I will keep you in my prayers sweetie.

May his sweet soul rest in peace!

(((Hugs & Prayers)))

October 25, 2006
11:37 am
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smarterone
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I truly understand your pain. My Henrietta of 13 years, stuck by me thru a bad abusive marriage, drug addicted attiutudes, running away, from one home to another. Never left my side and I know she understood every pain i experienced. During the last months, during tough days, i would say the same bull as you. We had just moved to start hopefully a new life, in a new apt. I was walking her, and it was evening. In my left eye i saw something coming, a germanshephard had broken off a leash and attacked her, another dog that was with the shepard joined in. I tried screaming, hitting them with a cane. We finally grabbed her and she was in shock. I couldnt handle it and my b/f and son took her to the emergency room. I later followed. Like a daze, i listened to all the life threatening wounds and although i would not be able to afford it agreed to surgery. The doctor returned in 5min. to tell me she died on the table of a heart attack. I didnt leave my bedroom for over a week, i swallowed sleeping pills like candy, i wasnt proud of that, but she was all i had left of a bad marriage, life and anything i touched. The only good thing. I received her ashes from the hospital, cuz they knew i couldnt afford it and there was no legal options. Here is the poem that accompanied her ashes:
"Farewell, Master, yet not farewell.
Where I go ye too shall dwell.
I am gone, before your face
A moment's time, a little space
When ye come where i have stepped
Ye will wonder why we wept"

I hope it brings warmth and some condolence to you.

October 25, 2006
12:06 pm
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Rasputin
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Funny and ironical how our pets can be our best friends!!!

My condolances to all my cyberfriends who lost furry ones.

(((Veg & smart)))

October 25, 2006
12:30 pm
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veggiemom
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Thank you all for your kind words and hugs....

smarterone, thank you, that is another beautiful poem. As always, it is so comforting to know that I am not alone, that there are others out there that understand the pain. Thank you for sharing your story.

October 25, 2006
12:39 pm
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taj64
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When I was sixteen, My little dog was hit by a car right in front of me. I was devastated. You took very good care of your dog. Dogs accept love when it is given. They are not selfish. They love you for who you are. Unfortunately dogs do get hit by cars. But you get over the loss. Last week, my dog got out of the gate and we live near a very busy road. I was so worried he would find his way there but no he went to the field where he always does his thing so I was lucky. I made sure the gate was locked this time. It was rather windy day and the heavy door did blow open and I was careless. It is locked now. Your dog, he was good dog. He will be just fine and I know it is sad time but it does get better.

October 25, 2006
12:43 pm
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feelingfree
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Veggiemom~

I am so sorry to hear this.. I too have a little dog who drives me crazy and I scold way too much, but I love him, and he knows it.. I know yours knew you loved him too. So, don't beat yourself up.. you're only human. Thinking of you..

October 25, 2006
2:58 pm
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needtoheal
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Veggiemom---
so sorry to hear the loss of your pup...
My cat just died a few weeks ago (right after my father's best friend who I only knew as an uncle died.. and the now ex-b/f was so nasty with me the night of the funeral..).I had to tell the boys when they got home from their dad's house that the cat died the night before at the vet hospital. We had adopted him the year after their father & I became separated.. the year I met the now ex-b/f.....
So I have had some losses in the last few weeks..
Your puppy knew that you loved him and took care of him..
Rest in peace and here for you during this difficult time.

with love, friendship & respect,
NEED

October 25, 2006
5:38 pm
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veggiemom
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Thank you all again. Does anybody know what to do with the guilt? I understand that I can learn from this and do better in the future, but it makes me so sad that this little innocent creature had to die, and in such a terrible way, for me to learn a lesson.

More than the grief and pain and loss (which is almost unbearable) is the terrible guilt that I should have been much more to him. If I had paid attention he wouldn't have even gotten out. And if I hadn't been so focused on myself and my problems, I would have been more patient and loving with him.

Please help if you have any experience with this.

October 25, 2006
5:51 pm
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smarterone
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Veggie
Hang in there, i cried forever, put all her pictures up, wrote a poem about her. Then one day a friend called and asked if i wanted to save a puppy, NO WAY, i would never love another or betray my honey. I found out this mini pin was abandoned. I gave in, said it was for my b/f.
We have MAX a couple of months, in the beginnning , i couldnt hold him, felt like the pictures were watching me. Yep, that bad. Then i started thinking maybe henrietta didnt want me to hurt so bad and be alone, so i gave it my best shot. He is so totally different than her in looks, personality and he is crazy. I feel like she put him in my life. But i dont feel the same. I never will and i dont ever want to. I will treasure her forever in my hear. So let yourself cry, mourn, show pictures, get it all out, i told everyone i met, my dog was killed, so everytime i said it, the repetition made it easier. God bless you.donna

October 25, 2006
6:26 pm
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veggiemom
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Donna...xoxo thank you.

October 25, 2006
9:33 pm
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chelonia mydas
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{{{{{Veggiemom}}}}},

It is normal to do what you did. You weren't cruel- you always loved your pup, but you are also human. He knows you love him very much. Dogs are good like that.

I love the rainbow bridge story and used to send it in all the sympathy cards I sent to my clients whenever my patients died when I was a vet tech.

One thing I have done whenever I lost an animal and couldn't say goodbye (especially when I worked in the animal shelters and one would be euthanized that had been trying to save but just couldn't find a home in time...)

I would go buy a scented candle that reminded me of them- sometimes it was by color, sometimes by scent, sometimes I would just grab one because I was too upset to think about it. I would go home and light the candle.

While it burned I would think about them- remember all the good times, send them my love and caring, think about all the hopes and dreams I had for them (especially true for the shelter pets I couldn't save)- I would do this as long as I needed to.

Sometimes I would continue about my day while the candle burned on. I imagined that the flame sent all my thoughts, love and compassion to that animal- so they would know that at least someone cared for them- that their life meant something to at least one person. There are many animals out there who don't even get that.

I also imagined the flame as their spirit and when the candle went out on its own- their spirit was free to go on and I had been given an opportunity to say good bye.

Well I am typing this at the library as my computer is on the fritz and I am starting to get all teary so I will stop now. I will check on this thread when I am back online at home and see how you are doing.

Two very helpful websites are
http://www.griefhealing.com (or it might be org)
and there is one with a Monday Night Candle Ceremony- just google it and see if it comes up. If you can't find it I have it in my favs on my computer at home.

Hugs,
Chelonia

October 26, 2006
12:34 am
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Zinnie
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HI Veggiemom,

I talked to a friend of mine today - who just lost her cat a few weeks ago. I referred her to the same web-site that I listed above (www.rainbowsbridge.com) - she DID partake in the "chats" - she said they are moderated; and that she found comfort in talking with others. She did tell me that the people she "chatted" with there on-line were all kind and understanding, and able to help each other through their grief.

Oh - she also did tell me that you can use a nick name - she used her kitty's name - so you can remain anonymous if you like.

You might check it out...

Much love,

Z.

October 26, 2006
12:53 am
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jewel
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Veggiemom,

I am so very sorry to hear about your poor dog. Know that he/she is up in doggy heaven watching over you. Animals know when you love them. They can sense it so try not to beat yourself up over this. I feel bad how I sometimes treat my german shepard. He is so excited to see me when I get home from work and sometimes I just about ignore him. I think everyone does that at some point or another not deliberately though. It is just frustrated when they have accidents in the house or they destroy household items. Honey, just know that you were a good dog owner and you gave your dog a safe place to stay and you didn't starve your dog. You are a good person. Sometimes I wonder why bad things have to happen to good people . Sending you many many hugs your way at this difficult and hard time.

Love from Jewel

October 26, 2006
9:19 am
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smarterone
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hope today is just a little easier
with love
donna

October 26, 2006
10:44 am
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CAMER
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Veggiemom...soooo sorry to hear about your pet....and I too have gone thru the times where I didn't care about my dog, cuz it was mis behaving, and wished the dog would run away, etc...just feelings I had at the time.

I lost my many pets in the past, and its hard to deal with, cuz all my pets were like "family".

My last dog that I lost, the place that took his body for creamation, had a lil' funeral for him, where that layed his body in a box with
on a big quilted dog bed and had I had 4 family & friends come with me as we paid our last respects to him.

It was a nice way to see him, b4 he was taken away...I was strong at first, then couldn't stop crying.

I read the book "chicken soup for a pet lovers soul" was a great book, some stories made me smile, others made me cry up a storm.

Sending you ((((Hugs)))) and more ((((Hugs)))) during this difficult time.

love, camer

October 26, 2006
11:40 am
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veggiemom
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Today is a little better..I cannot say thank you enough times to all of you for your kindness and hugs and for sharing your own stories.

chelonia, I love the candle idea, I am going to go after work today and get a special candle just for that.

Camer, we are going to do a little funeral with my ex-husband (funny, he and I have stuck together through this since Chaz was his dog too)and the kids, I think the idea of paying last respects is important and will help a lot...closure and all that.

Hugs back to all of you. Your words mean more than you can know.

XOXO...Veg

October 28, 2006
7:30 pm
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thedogsmom
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oh dear veggiemom:

I'm so sorry to hear about your little dog. I know that it hurts so bad to lose those little friends who love us unconditionally. I'm sure you were a great NORMal dog mother..who loved her little dog to smitherines on some days...and yelled at him in frustration on other days.. thats normal.. you know you were not horrible to that little dog.. just human.. He knew that you loved him. I'm sure he knew that.

for whatever reason ...guess cause we are the dogs mothers...that the guilt rears its ugly head when our animals die... regardless whether it was an accident...like in your case!...IT was NOT YOUR FAULT... the dog got out and got hit by a car. sad..very sad..but not your fault. You did all you could to take care of that little dog of yours. He was curious...wanted to explore and hopefully died a quick death. only a fraction of the time of his entire life..... a life that was filled with YOUR love....your HUMAN love...which includes...being sweet, being lazy,, being frustrated, being angry, being loving,.....Your dog was lucky to have had you to give him attention and food and a nice home to live in...
don't start beating yourself up with those horrible guilt-ridden thoughts of what you "didn't " do right with him. It doesn't help anything.. makes it harder to get through the grief of the loss of your little friend.
I bet it is a rare person that goes through life without ever getting frustrated or angry or saying or doing mean things to people... people forgive us...just as animals do... you need to forgive yourself for being human...
you have been going through alot of turmoil this year..and maybe you didn't give as much of your attention to the dog this year...but you were still there for him and I'm sure he knows you loved him.
I know its hard... I was there in your shoes a few years ago. I lost my little deaf and blind 13 year old dog as she drowned in my pond. I was so sad...guilt-ridden and depressed for months.. I too had a dog that peed in the house..I used to get SO angry and scream sometimes..and she would shake out of fear.. I always felt bad afterward...I never abused her.. I also felt responsible for her drowning. I couldn't get over it... so I ended up finding the petloss website and posted there...and some wonderful people wrote to me and helped me leave the guilt behind and try to focus on the good times we gave each other.. I know the feelings dont go away.. it will take you some time to get there..past the grief...the guilt ...seems to be a part of that..as there is always SOMETHING we could have done better...but I hope that you will just DROP the guilt and focus on the funny things he used to do to make you laugh and smile... I know he knows your love for him was true!
take care.
thedogsmom

p.s. thats where I got my name...going to that site for help... then found myself in turmoil with my marriage..and ended up coming here for help... kept the name..as I feel it applies here... ha ha..
TDS

November 3, 2006
12:35 am
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veggiemom
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TDS,
I just looked back on this thread and found your reply which I had not seen. I hope you read this because I wanted to say thank you for all of your kind words. It has been a week and a half and every day is still so hard. I keep thinking he is beside me or in the house or even on my way home from work I think for a moment he will be there to greet me then I remember...

Anyway, just wanted to thank you because what you said and shared about your own experience with this makes me feel a little better.

XO

November 3, 2006
9:48 am
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bel
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Veggiemom I am so sorry for the loss of your little dog. They are truly special pets and you do get attached to them. They are there always waiting for you and playing with you no matter what mood you are in.

I hope the days are getting easier for you and hopefully when your up to it you can get another sweet little friend.

Bel

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