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Lost and alone
July 19, 2004
1:57 pm
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cardinalred
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I'm feeling lost and very much alone. SOmeone I care a great deal for has some serious problems. I've offered my friendship but she says she doesn't need me or anyone else. I don't know what to do. I feel helpless. I feel so sorry for her and also feel rejected cause I want to show support but I know I can't make any difference so feel like giving up. My true concern is that she find her way to contentment and happiness. Should I just pull away or keep trying? She seems pretty clear about not wanting or needing anything from me. I love her and have for many years.

July 19, 2004
2:24 pm
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fairy99
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Welcome, first of all.

It's always hard to recieve help from anyone. The best you can do is let her know you are there for her if she needs you. Unfortunatly we can't force help on anyone, she has to wanna help herself. What kind of problems is she having?

Don't feel helpless and rejected, let her come to terms with whatever it is that she needs help with. Does she know how you feel about her? What does she say about it?

July 19, 2004
5:04 pm
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cardinalred
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fairy 99: Thank you for your response. She does know how I feel about her and her situation. She says it doesn't make a difference to her. She said noone does. I don't know whether to believe that noone does. She's suffering from deep depression. She is getting professional help. I sit and worry and want to help but know there is nothing I can do. I'm continuing to send her supportive e mail but she's made it clear that she doesn't want me to visit. I need to let go but I haven't been able to.

July 19, 2004
5:08 pm
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cardinalred
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fairy 99- I have let her know that I'm here if she needs me. She says she doesn't NEED anyone but her dog and her daughter.

July 19, 2004
5:23 pm
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fairy99
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All you can do is be supportive. She has to realize the problem and stand on her own two feet and face the monster. Don't take any asuse over this though. Go on with your life as you should and try not to dweal on her depression. In time you will let go,and yes it's hard but for your own sake you must. If you don't it will consume you in a way you don't want it to. Is she getting any help besides meds? She needs to if her depression is that bad. It will help her cope to talk to someone. I know you love her, and you know she knows. You can't do much else, and I know it hurts like hell to watch someone you love go thru that. You don't deserve the feeling of being rejected or helpless. I know you will worry about her but you should go on with your life, and hope things turn out for the best. Who knows, when you go thru deep deep depressions, once you begin to come out you realize you pushed away alot of people who love you, hopefully when she is ready you will know. My heart goes out to you, and I'm sending you many hugs!!!!

July 19, 2004
5:35 pm
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fairy99
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Sometimes when we say we don't need anyone, we really do. Let her come to you sweetie.

July 19, 2004
7:42 pm
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cardinalred
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fairy 99- Thank you for your advice. I know it's what I should do. I need to let go right now. She has seen a counselor. I hope she will continue to do that. Thank you so much for the hugs!! I needed that. I so appreciate you taking the time to talk to me about this. I can't talk about it to anyone else because I won't break her confidence. I pray for strength to just let her come me, someday. I doubt she will but I can'ts make her as you said. She has been a good friend in the past but seems like she wants that to be over. She helped me so much through my divorce, years ago. We were apart for years, her choice. We had started e mailing each other a couple of years ago. I saw her sometimes. That all stopped a few months ago. She was upset with me over a misunderstanding. I don't believe she trusts me or anyone. It made me feel good when she let me back into her life. Now, all the sad, bad feelings are back, no matter how hard I try. I'll try to just leave her alone. If she ever decides to come back. I'll be here.

July 19, 2004
7:50 pm
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Anonymous
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Hi Cardinal,

I agree completely with fairy...She has given you some great advice. Sometimes we just have to sit and wait, bide our time and wait for things to happen. I'm a true believer in everything happens for a reason. We may not know why, like it or understand it, but somewhere down the line it will all come into place. I wish you the best in finding some time for yourself so that you aren't so worried and stressed.

Be kind to yourself!!

Sunnygrl

July 19, 2004
8:32 pm
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cardinalred
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Sunnygrl- Thanks for reminding me about things happening for a reason. I'm pretty codependent and have a hard time just waiting. I'm going to try and take care of myself and leave things alone. Hopefully, I won't worry as much as time goes by. It's all just kind of a shock. I didn't know things were so bad for her. I want so much for her and I to be close friends but I don't think that will happen again. I'll never mean a fraction to her compared to what she means to me. The sooner I accept that, the better.

July 19, 2004
9:25 pm
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CAMER
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cardinalred: I agree with fairy99 and sunnygrl....you have done so much and offered yourself to this girl...and she is not willing to take any help, even though she suffers depression, you cannot change
her or what she feels...your friend knows you are "in her world" and hopefully soon enough she may need your help, but for now, i could offer you the advice of "Let go, Let God"....where you can focus on your own life and everything else will come into play. You did your best, you tried and hopefully your friend
will come around to terms and may
need your help someday, for now, give yourself a hug and know you did your best!!!

July 19, 2004
9:47 pm
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cardinalred
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Camer: Thank you for telling me I've done my best. I guess I have. I do need to "Let Go and Let God." Thank you for reminding me.

July 19, 2004
10:15 pm
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Anonymous
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Hi Cardinal,

I know where you are coming from..I'm about as co-dependent as it comes and have had extensive therapy to try to overcome this, and it is not easy. (Sure would love to know who first coined that phrase). FYI: My ex, who just helped me out of a bad situation, well suffice it to say that he "feels" he always has to worry about me. I do not know how deeply your feelings run for this person, nor all the circumstances, but I do know that my ex and I went through the same things and it just did not work, because I could not take his excess worry and 24/7 time together. I'm not saying that is the way it is for you and your friend. It just kind of sounded a bit like our situation at one time. I'm sending strength and hope and a hug your way and hoping you will vent here and feel welcome any time you need to.

Sunnygrl

BTW: Never compromise yourself. You sound like a very special person to me. Take care!

July 19, 2004
10:33 pm
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cardinalred
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Sunnygrl: Very good observation you made there. I may indeed burden her more with my worrying. She knows I'm worried. I don't want to add to her problems. I've been sending her cards by e mail, just today and yesterday trying to encourage and support her. I think I should stop now, after reading your note. You made a very good point. I don't want to smother her. Thanks for the advice. Maybe I've been trying too hard. I'll let things go. She knows I care. The next communication will have to come from her. If nothing comes then I know I've done all I could do.

July 19, 2004
10:52 pm
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Anonymous
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I think that is wise. She knows you care and when she is ready, she will contact you. I have two grown daughters and I always said that I would never "make" my children do anything (like push them into a certain religion, for instance)Instead, I waited until they were grown to make their own decisions. The reason? Because if I could not place myself first, just after them of course, where would they be now? I figured it was better that I made sure I was alive and able to be a Mom, instead of a worrier. That may not make much sense to you (I'm kinda tired) but I hope it makes some sense! Bottom line is this: I now know I did the right thing. I have two very happy beautiful daughters.

Best Wishes!

Sunnygrl

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