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Losing your marriage
September 24, 2000
5:56 pm
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weasel44
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I am married to a man who is a master at evasion. He will only talk about what he wants and cut off any other topic. We have been separated for over a year but we cannot resolve anything because he will not talk. Yet he argues and fights and is terribly criticle. It has only gotten worse. I am always at blame and now I am devastated again because I allowed myself to believe and to hope. I am on a saw horse. Up down Up down. I try to make sense of his actions. Now his words do not make sense. I feel I have waited and prayed and hoped and tried to focus on the positives and the bad just won't go away. I have seen that it is not true if you treat someone good that he will treat you well in return. Just the opposite.
If you actually take the steps to marry doesn't it make sense to try? I am in a fogg just now and nothing makes sense.

September 24, 2000
8:14 pm
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Molly
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You did not say how long you have been married, so its hard to tell how high the walls are up. It is tough, and you'll get that there are many other women who endure the same, or have ended, or are beginning the relational difficulties that you are, and we all end up in a fog. The only way to get off the horse , or the see saw, is to just let go, and focus on you , go to a group for women, go exercise, and disconnect from the drama for a while, come up for air, and smell the flowers. Right now the emotional is starting to evidence in you the physical so cut it loose, give the heart, and mind a break. after a rest, then resume the exploration into what you want and what you are really going to get, and what you need to do to make it different. Love and light to you

September 25, 2000
3:49 pm
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weasel44
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We lived together for 5 years and were happy. We got married and moved back from out of state. We live now in the same town as his mother. He moved out and back in with his mother after a year. My husband is an only child obviously very used to control.
He was always so good to me and loving and then everything changed when we got near his mother. His mother has not excepted me. Not because she knows me or dislikes me but because she did not want her son to marry. Anyone he married she'd ignore. She never calls the house but only to his work. This has been the way she has been for the whole relationship. Since He left I may have spoken to her three times. She has not called or anything.
The walls that exist for us are the anger and grudge my husband holds against me. He cannot forgive me that I was out of work for six months when we moved back. This was a difficult time. But he made it worse by not understanding the difficulties in finding a job. I got a good job and a week later he was gone.
Now we are trying to get back financially but it isn't an overnight thing. Either way thes are things married people weather and It appals me he would throw away our marriage because of lif's hurdles. We are paying our bills and are enjoying a decent life style. His issue he should be further ahead. I am holding him back. Always able to have immediate results he cannot underestand having to wait for something. Even a year is to long. Now I think he is a very selfish and illogical person. I often wonder if he has had a mental break down. He went off the other day because I got a little confused in a huge, New Mall we were visiting. I had to listen to his lecture on how it irritates him when I do something so stupid as go left rather than right. Now he is just plain cruel in the things he says. He has'nt divorced me just hurt me.

September 25, 2000
4:42 pm
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eve
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Hi weasel,

you wrote "I have seen that it is not true if you treat someone good that he will treat you well in return. Just the opposite." I think if you treat yourself good the others will also treat you good. But if you treat yourself like a doormat - others will join you. Don't take such abuse - it's not about going right or left in the supermarket - it's about power in your relationship.
I don't understand: you live separated but still you go shopping together? What is your situation?

September 25, 2000
5:46 pm
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weasel44
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Hi!
Yes we live in separate homes. We have a bizzarre relationship. He is over three times a week easy and on my days off. He sleeps some but not all. Our money has never changed his check goes in and so does mine. I write all the bills. He takes cash out of our savings. Some people say I have the best of it because I have the good parts and I do not have to put up with living together,but I want a marriage. He calls me every day. I keep wanting to scream why don't you come home. When we argue he might not call for a day or so. For the longest time after an arguement we'd just pick up and like it hadn't happend. Now I want to talk and resolve and I can't not force it. We are getting nowhere. If we were he'd surely have been home before now. He won't go to a counsilor. All I know is that I want a close loving trusting marriage. Someone who will love me just as I am. He wants to change me but the things he stresses over make no sense. Does it really matter that I do not close the toliet lid? Or that I do not give direct answers. He says when he asks me a question I give to much information. Like a yes or no will do. I have not changed and have always liked conversation. He must like his own because I'm not allowed to have one.

October 2, 2000
10:33 am
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board
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i have been married for 30 ywears and my wife thinks that i ve been out on her but i ve never been out on her what can i do to change her mind?

October 2, 2000
6:30 pm
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Molly
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Boared, your handle says allot, go to counseling, she is feeling left out and you might see a md. both of you. you may be blocking her out and she feels it.

October 2, 2000
6:33 pm
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Molly
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Weasel44, you didn't say, but I bet if you cut out the sex, things would change, talk about best of both worlds, he has a mommy, cut it loose the fantasy that is, and get on, you might get a real marriage, I know my guy wants what you have I made a mistake of giving it all up to come back to really make amarriage, and all he wants is mommy, I want a partner, and guess what????????

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