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losing wife
April 26, 2001
12:47 pm
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spo
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Hi, I'm 28 and have been married for almost six years to the mother of our two young children. I have been very selfish over the years in almost everything I do. I have hurt her a lot and she now can't stand to be around me. When she is around me she just gets angry and says hurtful things. I can't blame her. A few days ago she saw me looking at another woman. I'm not looking to cheat on her, in fact I'm still very much in love with her and still very attracted to her. How do I begin to make things up with her? She is ready to end things. Help?

April 26, 2001
12:58 pm
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Molly
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Go buy two copies of Phil McGraw's Relational Rescue, and the work book, give it to her with a dozen roses, and a bottle of wine, get a blank card with a pretty picture on it, and tell her on the card, What ever it takes, I am yours forever, Love you, and don't want to loose you, signed in the dog house. Then do the book, it is an eye opener. Limit discussion time, keep it nice. Oprah has him on every Tuesday, and this is one pop psyche guru, that I respect.
I don't see how that won't take off the chill, she will see effort, and not talk, suggest taping the show, not many women wouldn't even consider a husband looking to oprah or suggesting it. Should work, confident enough to not charge you for this session. Now do it, and report back. This is a good site for coaching.

April 26, 2001
1:04 pm
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spo
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Molly,

Thanks for the input. I'll give it a try. I have nothing to lose. I've already starting reading a personal growth book because I want to become a better person. I agree that we both need to work at. Any suggestions if she shoots down the "Rescue" book? I have a hunch she might not be so willing. Thanks.

April 27, 2001
12:00 pm
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Molly
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In these cases, your persistance, will effect her resistance. She is pissed at something, and it will take time for her to come around. If she sees you reading the book, and if you put into practice, some of the suggestions, she will soon be motivated to understand the miracle. It takes two, you didn't do this all on your own, but it can take the actions of one to change the dynamics. If you present, love , respect, honor her wishes, what is there to toss a fit over, your to perfect. So just get the one book, but I would send it to her as a message, I want to rescue our love and relationship, she may be sarcastic at first so give it time, and be focused on you, as the book suggests. My guy hasn't read it, but with the changes in me, my approace, it works. b

April 27, 2001
1:15 pm
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spo
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Thanks again for your thoughts. I've been trying to convince her that I am going to be a better person - for me and for our relationship. The problem is I've said this before and didn't follow through. I am committed this time to understand my/our problems and really work at them. I hope that you are right about her seeing my effort and will give our marriage a chance to turn around.

April 27, 2001
5:10 pm
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Molly
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You don't have to language it, show it, now is the time for action. If you are truly willing to suck up for a while, in the process of discovering what you lacked in the relationship, with out any focus on her. Things will change. Do the book, I promise you will learn about you.

May 1, 2001
10:37 am
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spo
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Well, I've bought the book and started reading. And I finished the personal growth book. I already feel like I understand myself and our problems much better. She still isn't interested in reading yet. She thinks I'm spending too much time reading and not doing. I suppose she's right. The book will help in the long run, but I think she needs immediate action in order for her to feel good about sticking with me. She is really hurt and wants me to do something about it now. She deserves that, but I'm not sure where to begin. Flowers and candy aren't going to cut it. Any suggestions for what to do?? Help!

May 1, 2001
12:13 pm
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Molly
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Ask her and this will be hard, just what does she want to see? More time, more affection, more help around the house? Ask her to be specific. Let her know thatyou know that you have hurt her, and that, you understand it takes time to heal, and regain her trust, but that she is worth the wait.How could she resist?

May 2, 2001
12:34 pm
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Molly
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We are not neighbors are we, the woman across the street came over and said today is my anniversery with an attitude, I know that they have had their problems. She said can you believe for the second time in 8 years I got flowers, with an attitude. I said he is trying, isn't he, what do you want the poor guy to do? She said I don't know. So I can't tell if its a show to be the abused neglected wife, or if it is going to take consistancey from him to get it all back. Your not alone, unless you are my neighbor. So, just ignore the retoric, and keep focused.

May 2, 2001
4:29 pm
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malaikau
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Dear Spo,

I don't know for sure, but I have the feeling that if you have been married for 6 years or so, you already know a lot about your wife. If you will take the time to relax and think about things, I'll bet you will gain a whole new insight into what is making her angry, and what she needs from you. I think a lot of times women get even angrier when they see their partner "trying". I think it can insight more anger because she might be thinking "I want him to be this way because he WANTS to be, not because he thinks it's what I want, or because he feels guilty, or because he's afraid of losing me."
If a woman thinks you're doing something because you're afraid or guilty, she might perceive your reasoning as self centered. Does that make sense? It doesn't mean your reasoning is self centered, it's all about the perspective of the person. So it's probably pretty important for you to do whatever you do without attaching any expectations to her. In other words, don't expect her to be different because you are different. Just be the person you want to be, the person who will make you happy. When she regains her trust, she will begin to soften toward you.
I know it must be hard for you to be patient. Also, it must be hard for you to tolerate the constant anger when you are trying so hard. You have a lot to be proud of for being willing to hang in there through the anger!

Best of luck to you and your family!

Mal

May 3, 2001
6:50 am
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janes
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Do you have to ask what will make her happy?

Start doing things men traditionally don't help wives with....pick up your socks from in front of the tv.
Dust, take the garbage out Before it's overflowing, Vacuum, Tidy up. rinse your milk glass...better yet do the dishes. It doesn't have to be big.

If you are getting a snack or just a glass of water ask if she needs anything. change the shetts on the bed and then remake it .

Got kids? Take them out for a trip with DAD and give her some time alone.
Always speak respectfully. be kind.

Good luck.

May 3, 2001
10:44 am
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spo
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Thanks for the input Mal and Janes! Things are slooowwwly starting to get better. It will take a long time, but well worth it. I think I'm starting to understand the cause of some of our problems and hopefully we can work them out. At least she is still willing to hang in there for the time being.

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