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Losing friend
September 17, 2001
9:06 am
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ms. T
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I feel like the loss of a best friend is inevitable. She chose to dump all the negative energy between her and her old boyfriend on me, and now that she's talking to him and probably on the verge of getting back with him, she's avoiding me. I am very hurt, as I have bent over backward to help her every time she's feigned interest in moving her life in a positive direction. Anybody who's experienced this, please give me some helpful information. Thanks.

September 17, 2001
12:51 pm
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Molly
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September 30, 2010
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Same old story different day. Look at the thread regarding the sister who is fearful of the other sister, who allowed her husband to beat the mom, and lied for the abuser. I think that is why police have taken the stand of arresting both partners. domestic abuse is such a strange disease, with so many different issues. it is so sad to watch our sisters, friends, and other females slide all the way down, there are just some lessons they must learn, the hard way. Understand its not personal. shame, guilt, anger, depression all play into this.

September 17, 2001
2:23 pm
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pg lova
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ms. T,

please clarify for me, is her boyfriend abusing her?

September 17, 2001
5:47 pm
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Ladeska
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Alot of what you are experiencing is codependency. Feeling like you are responsible somehow for - her actions. And you're not responsible. She's a big girl and sometimes the only way we learn - is through the pain of consequences. She's addicted to the treatment she's getting from him for whatever reason and you have to back out of it, unless of course there is something you feel you need to report to the police, but even in that - she'd have to own up to what's what and alot of times - abused women - won't.

You can't help someone who doesn't want help. She probably only wanted a temporary fix all these times, but desperately wanted to get him back. You needed to have seen that one coming. Too many times, we assume, wrongly, that people think like we do, see things like we do....and we get into major trouble for that one.

If you want to assist - first of all, you do it when they ask for help. Secondly, you give them a little advice and see if they follow it. If they don't, you stop giving advice or you get - is sucked into the tornado.

You need to have your own boundaries, which means not allowing her to jerk you around as well. She's making her choices, so let her make them. Words may not work right now, but pain might. Don't be her shoulder anymore, just say hey - if you want to change the pattern of what's up here - you will and when I see that you are really moving in that direction, I'll be there, to a certain extent. But, don't be someone she uses just when she feels bad and yet does nothing to really alleviate her pain. That's your responsibility to yourself and to her.

September 18, 2001
6:57 am
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ms. T
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I'll clarify. He hasn't physically abused her that I know of, but he has bilked her out of a great deal of money and self-confidence. She has had a string of bad relationships and is still trying (has been for three years) to get a divorce. Thanks for the message about her jerking me around; that's exactly how I feel. We finally talked about it yesterday, and I told her that I couldn't be her ear while she's trying to work things out with him, that it's not healthy for me right now, but if she needs me down the road I will always be her friend. Do you think I've done the right thing? I love her very much and care about her to the point that I've lost sleep worrying. The last thing I want is to push her toward him.

September 18, 2001
9:45 am
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pg lova
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yes, yes, yes 1000x yes you did the right thing. Your priority is you and if she is pushing you off for someone who treats her so terribly, then you did what was correct. Also, it seems to me that she's not a "friend". She's just using you so she can feel as though she can go out and do what she knows she shouldn't and then, somebody's going to always be there for her. So you did right.

PG Lova

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