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Lord...let the healing begin. I finally did it!
June 2, 2005
2:33 pm
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dustygirl
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Well, I ended it last night with my b/f after I found out that he is still looking for women off these internet dating sites. That was just the final kicker - I am just tired of being the dirty little secret and no that I deserve more. I just don't know if I can handle this pain.
He didn't even say a word to me so obviously he doesn't even care. Thats what hurts the most. He just let me leave.

June 2, 2005
2:43 pm
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kc30
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Dusty...pack up your shit, get in your car, and get the hell out of that man's radar! You've got a new life waiting for you and a whole lot of healing and self-discovery to keep you more than busy.

And please get this (I'm trying to get it myself so it bears constant repetition) his actions are about HIM not you. If he "doesn't care" that's because there is something wrong with HIM...not with YOU.

Please get this...may we all get this please...it's not about US!! It's not that, if only we were prettier, smarter, nicer, hornier, not so pretty, less needy, less provocative, less shy, clingier, not so clingy blah blah, that they would suddenly and miraculously change into the prince charming we WANT them to be.

Kissing a frog in the real world doesn't turn him into a prince. A frog is a frog, no matter who's kissing him.

When we get caught in thinking "He doesn't even care", what we are REALLY saying is "I am not worthy of love" which is a load of crap. Getting caught in that thinking should ring all the bells...DING DING DING...and we should hear a voice screaming

"I don't feel good about myself!! I need to fix that. How? Why? Where do I begin?"

If we like ourselves....we wouldn't get soooo hung up on guys that treat us like dirt.

Oh...my stbx just [email protected]!!! Need a new post.

Dusty...you rock girl!! I'm so very proud of you...if I could, I'd be over with a bunch of flowers, a bottle of wine, and we'd be up all night talking this thing out!

go girl
kc

June 2, 2005
2:48 pm
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dustygirl
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Thanks KC - I can't seem to stop crying. It's weird as I am 35 years old and all I want is my Mom and Dad right now. I don't want to call him, but wish he would so I knew he cared - but like you say - it's not about me - he's the FROG (and a short, balding old one at that!)

In my SLAA meeting, they say the withdrawls are like heroin detox - there are moments that I wish I could die and I am just in the beginning stages.

I just hate the I gave everything up for this man and all I got was crapped on.

June 2, 2005
2:50 pm
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2bstrong
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dustygirl--

I'm squeezing you with the best cyber-hug I can muster. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and your favorite cd is in the car waiting for you to start your new life!

Listen to kc--(I'm just following her around today). Let him wallow in his own s**t. Disgusting idiot.

I am so glad for you!

2b

June 2, 2005
2:57 pm
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kc30
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Dusty, I can relate to you so well in many ways. Last year, at the height of my addiction to my husband, most of my friends were pissed and I stopped talking to a couple altogether. My family was great but I know they just didn't get it and were frustrated wtih me behind the scenes.

My dad told me later that all I had done along was make excuses for him...it was always "poor xxx" without a second thought for myself. He said that he couldn't understand why I would take so much crap.

But he also understood that I had to get there my own way, in my own time. He also said that when I got tired of being a victim, I would stand up for myself.

He was right. I did get tired of being a victim. You'll get there too, I swear it.

kc

June 2, 2005
4:17 pm
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dustygirl
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I can't believe how much this hurts and it hasn't even been 24 hours. He hasn't even called me - that hurts because I now know that he just didn't give a shit about me - after 3 years. He was probably happy I ended it so he didn't have to do the dirty work.

I so much don't want to falter - he's no good for me and I deserve better, but I need to know he cared a little.

How pathetic am I! 🙁

June 2, 2005
4:31 pm
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sdesigns
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Hi Dusty: I am so sorry you're feeling badly. I read once that men will behave badly when they want to break up so that we will break up w/ them- as you said- because they are too coawrdly to make the move themselves or in a kind way. So just remember he's a coward and not good enough for you. You deserve SOOOOOOO much better. SD

June 2, 2005
4:32 pm
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2bstrong
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Dusty--You are not pathetic! I know exactly how you are feeling! He is a selfish person--he treated you like an object, not someone that he cared about, or even loved for that matter. Love doesn't act the way he has toward you.

And yes, he did care for you--a little--like you said, but not enough. Not good enough for you to make a fulfilled happy life with him. Just like kc said--it is not you, it's him.

It hurts so much, I know. I was engaged to the ex--together for ten and a half years. It's been over 2 months and he has not tried to contact me once. It really, really sucks.

But the good thing is, the longer you can go without contact, the easier it gets. Pleeassse listen to me, I am living proof. I invested my entire life in that man. Oh sure, he took me on expensive vacations, he bought me nice things, he took me out to dinner, yada yada, yada. But he could not tell me that he loved me. He couldn't caress my cheek when I cried. I could go on and on.

I'll bet you are a gorgeous, fun, intelligent woman. Find yourself again. Think of how addicted you are to him and break it, I know you're trying. It isn't going to be easy but you can do it.

Love to you, 2b

June 2, 2005
4:35 pm
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2bstrong
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btw--sdesigns--

that is exactly what happened with my fiance. He was too cowardly to even tell me to my face, after that long of a time together! He curled up in his bed in the fetal position when I gave him back the ring! I wish I had kept it. I still mad about that.

June 2, 2005
4:50 pm
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sdesigns
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Yeah, 2b. Thats how mine finally got rid of me- didn't call for nearly a week just to piss me off. So I finally called him and let him have it. Oh course he was glad cuz he had a couple of new ones lined up to try. I wasn't even worth him making the effort to break up- he just wanted me to go away. Ugh.

June 2, 2005
5:16 pm
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dustygirl
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Yeah - I think he's got a few "hopefulls" lined up off the internet. What a pathetic loser! He's 57 (im 55)he's short (i'm tall),and he's balding - God - what was I thinking...
The only thing he has to offer a woman is his money and trust me, he's not all that generous. Never told me he loved me - never tells his own kids he loves them. I was just his "trophy" girl (he even told me that once - duh!)
I just wish it wouldn't hurt - he's not deserving of my heartache.

Thanks so much KC and 2B - you both are an inspiration to me to know that you were able to continue on after being so crushed - I hope I am as strong as you are! Lots of Love to you both!

June 2, 2005
11:27 pm
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angel4U
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kc30 - You said it all! How true, how true!

dustygirl - Hats off to you for taking care of you girl!!! Give yourself a HUGE pat on the back for not settling for this crap (or crumbs as others call it).

Every time you tell yourself "I guess he was just not that into me" ... say back to yourself: "Am I REALLY that into him?" Why in the world would you want to be into any guy (especially at the age of 57)that lies, cheats, that's hooked on internet dating sites (meaning he's not confident enough to get out and meet someone in real life so he has to settle for cyber dating), who's short & balding, that's cheap, and has no compassion in his heart for anyone but himself? Seriously now, think about it ... What does this guy really have to offer you or anyone if he can't even show his own kids love? Maybe the sex was good? ... but don't you want the WHOLE package???? Keep plugging these words in your head .. I AM SO WORTH MORE THAN WHAT HE GIVES ME!!! And once you see that, you will NOT settle for anyone that offers you this nothingness that this man gives you. You will see them for what they are ... emotionally unavailable slugs going nowhere, while you are running right past them onto better things! I am there right now, and I promise you, it feels WONDERFUL!!!!!

2bstrong - I have a fun story to tell you ... When my ex-fiance and I broke up (after he turned into a verbally/mentally abusive ... excuse the language a$$hole), I kep the ring for awhile ... knowing that this cheapa$$ would eventually ask for it back. He finally did, and everyone yelled at me NOT to give it back to him after the way he treated me. Me, thinking it was the RIGHT and HONEST (shmuck that I was) thing to do, said I have to. Well, now hold onto your chairs ... the night before i was going to bring it to him I was doing a project with Super Glue ... and I had the ring still on my finger (it was a 4 1/2 year relationship and I had a tougher time letting go back then than I do now). Well, wouldn't you know, I accidently poked a bigger hole than I intended to in the end of the Super Glue tube. And when I went to use it, it came pouring out all over my hand ... AND THE RING!!! If you have ever used Super Glue, you will totall understand how impossible it is to get out. The ring was literally soaked in it, as were the nice diamonds. My friends and family laughed hysterically, of course, while I was panicking. All I could think of is that he would never believe me and would think I did this on purpose. I am so NOT a vengeful person, so knowing that he might think this really bothered me.

Well, I never did get it all out (and I am sure the ring was pretty much trashed). The next day I went to bring the ring back to him and basically just told him the truth and said (with concern) "maybe a jeweler could get it out?" I never offered to take it in myself though, and I am sure it was because, underneath it all, I felt like he deserved this.

I could have never done this on purpose, so I told myself from that day forward ... "God works in mysterious ways sometimes" ... and I let the worry about what he might think about it go! ... =))

June 3, 2005
12:31 am
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angel4U
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I forgot to add to my long list of why you don't want him that "he ribbits, for God's sake, and plays in mucky swamps, and has big BULGY eyes, and hops on 4 legs ... and has WARTS?!?!?!"

YEEEEEWWWW_EEEEYYYYY!!!!!

I say throw him back in the swamp, and go get yourself that prince!!!!!! ... =))

June 3, 2005
6:53 am
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Liamo
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Oh! thank you all so much on this page alone. I am in the process of losing a frog, funny thing is I sometimes have to catch my thoughts wandering to the "I have lost a prince feeling" but now I just pull myself back and now I can actually giggle. This particular frog was giving me less than nothing I was even paying when we went out, and as regards being emotionally available, he thinks thats some sort of rare meat used in indonesian sausages.Well to be honest I did all the trying not to call, the "was it me" s***t,?? all of it, but when you start to see the truth of it all it gets to feel good, so now Im going for a long walk in the park, to sit by the frog pond and eat my lunch, and get a kick out looking at those ugly little guys jumping up and winking at me.(I have to admit sometimes I stupidly wink back)

June 3, 2005
7:09 am
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InPainZHT
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Dustygirl,

Sorry I haven't responded to your thread earlier, but I agree with the others... take off, disappear and don't look back.

It does hurt to find out they don't care if you leave; when I packed my stuff up and left, she had her ex, which you would have THOUGHT a few days prior was satan himself if you had listened to her, come right back in. Even gave him my keys to her house. I think it could have been spite, personally, but that shows you how shallow a person she really was; if true, to get back at me, she allowed a substance-using, morally bankrupt, physically abusive and terroristic person back into her house with her two kids.

And to be the "dirty little secret", I understand this totally... I was the same way. I was "hidden" from certain people, including her ex. When he wanted to come by to "visit the children", I was made to leave (mind your, a 3 and 5 year old, and he'd always want to come see them around midnight). She would pull all my pictures off the walls; hide my coffee cup; throw all my clothes into the corner of the room and cover them up with a blanket; tuck my laptop computer away into a bottom drawer of a cabinet... so he couldn't see any of it.

InPain

June 3, 2005
7:15 am
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peacesoul
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Dusty.....Congrats to you !
My ex was also addicted to internet dating sites. Of course he never told me, I had to snoop to find out.
My ex is also a drug/booze/sex addict.
Now here is why you are not pathetic!
When I discovered my ex on S&M web sites in full gear(Dog collars, leashes, masterbating and looking for ROUGH anal sex), when I found him on a dating web site and broke into his profile and found he contacted over 400 women...I STAYED !
I confronted him, he lied, I denied and then I stayed!
Now that is pathetic!
What you did was so brave.
I take my hat off to you.
I've been broken up with my MONSTER for 4 1/2 months now and thought it was going to take me at least a year to get over his sorry ass, but you know what? After a good solid two months of crying, reading and therapy, I was over him!

I know this hurts like hell, and when the dust settles, you will see you made the BEST Decision of your entire life.

I somehow suspect he will try to come crawling back, the pathetic sickos always do, and that is where you'll have to keep strong and not take him back.

Dusty these men are not well. It had NOTHING to do with you. I thought for so long that I was not giving my ex what he needed for him to go seek sex elsewhere, but in restrospect, I see that his addiction had nothing to do with me nor could I try to stop his additive cravings.

KC...you always know the right things to say.

Dusty stay strong.....trust me girl, this gets sooooooooooooo much easier and better

June 3, 2005
8:07 am
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kc30
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Just checking in today Dusty...how are you doing girl.

And to clarify...you're 35 aren't you? Or are you 55?

June 3, 2005
9:04 am
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2bstrong
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(((((angel4u)))))

Ho ho ho! That's a good karma story! Super glue, huh? The higher power does work in mysterious, and sometimes sticky ways. Good for you!

2b

June 3, 2005
9:57 am
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artist 2
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SLAA is great. Use that phone list! Make calls... don't be ashamed or shy. We know what you're going through.

June 3, 2005
12:28 pm
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dustygirl
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Hi everyone and thanks for all your support. Made it through the night okay until about 3:15am as that was when he would usually get up to go work out. I started having the panic attacks and crying as to why he hasn't called me and what's wrong with me - I obviously didn't mean anything to him, blah, blah, blah.

It's been a rough morning but after reading all your posts, I feel stronger. This is the longest I have gone with no contact - a whopping 37 hours. Was thinking of excuses to call him this morning but I really don't want to fall back in the same pattern with him again.

I saw my therapist last night - I haven't gone in 4 months and it was good. He reminded me that I am in the first phase of my recovery from mmy addiction and that the withdrawl process will be hard. (to be honest - not as bad as I have been expecting, but it has only been 37 hours). I am going to another SLAA meeting tonight and visit my parents and ride my horse over the weekend.

I'm scared because I know it's over and part of me wishes he'd come running back, but I don't need the slimy little shit that he is. He's nothing but an emotionless asshole who didn't know how to have a relationship with his wife, his kids or even his own mother. Why would I think he could have it with me.

I guess the biggest thing I keep struggling with is why he hasn't called or maybe if I wasn't so needy - but I am who I am and there is someone out there who will appreciate me for what I am and what I have to offer.

Just wish the pain would end!

Oh yeah - KC - I am 35 and he's 57.

June 3, 2005
12:36 pm
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kc30
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Good Lord Girl!! You are kicking ASS. YOu've gone longer than you've EVER gone before...wouldn't it suck to have start right back at hour 1.

You know what gets me really excited?! You sound PISSED! YEAH DUSTY! Denial is breaking through and you're getting MAD MAD MAD. There is a healthy place for anger in a breakup...hold onto it. The self-righteous indignation will keep you from feeling like a victim!

Of course he hasn't called...he's waiting for you to do that, remember? Just wait...in a few months, he'll be going..."wait a minute...she never came crawling back! What the phuck?"

Then he'll go looking for you, but you'll be off in your new city, with your new apartment and your new life...probably a new haircut, new wardrobe, and maybe some tasty 25 year old who's happy to help you while you rebound? You're ONLY 35....good luck to HIM to find a hot young 25 year old!

GO DUSTY GO DUSTY

June 6, 2005
1:01 pm
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dustygirl
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well, I have made it to Monday without contact. He sent me a text message last night telling me he was very very angry with me but concerned about my medical condition (have a lump I need biopsied). Wants me to let him know how I am.

I am not angry with him, but not sure if I should just send an email to tell him I don't know anything yet.

Help - any advice would be helpful!

June 6, 2005
1:32 pm
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2bstrong
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Good job Dusty! You're awesome!

Now why would he be angry with you? I don't understand that. Is that a hook? I probably would not send an e-mail, only because I know myself and I can't stop at just keeping about the business part.

Thank you for sharing what your counselor said. I consider myself in the withdrawal stage, too. It has been so hard for me, and I called him today. He is going to call me back later today. I'm just going to tell him I was looking for an excuse to call.

2b

June 6, 2005
1:37 pm
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Dusty, good work for getting rid of the Frog. Don't let the frog get in the way of finding a real prince.

And a tasty 25 year old alog the way is usually fun.

June 6, 2005
2:00 pm
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kc30
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Dusty!
OMG I could tapdance on my DESK!!!! I am so very very happy and proud of you! You did it...and HE'S the one who's contacting you now?

That's a load of crap...telling you "I'm angry but I care so YOU contact ME"...puh-leeeeez. It's definitely a hook...the angry part lets him off the hook, but gee whiz what a nice guy...to be mad but at least still want to know how you are?
Whatever.

don't respond. People who break up don't check in on each other. As soon as you reply, he'll be gone again. He's just making sure you're still at the end of his line. Don't take the bait!

kc

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