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Looking to find out what is wrong with me :(
March 11, 2001
8:06 pm
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Rake
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Hello,
I didn't really know where to start, so I decided to turn to the web. I don't know what type of problem I have but I know I have one and need to seek some help/therapy. I keep everything inside of me, all my emotions. This has just about ruined my relationship with my girlfriend because I do not express myself to her the way I should. If we have a fight I don't say much, its all inside me. I have always been like this since I was a child. I am 24 now and still doing the same. I think this has something to do with my father being an alcoholic all his life. Never any physical abuse just mental that I witnessed and I think this has taking its toll on me. I kept telling my girlfriend over and over for a 4 month period I would change and I honestly thought I could, but now I have learned I can't do this alone. I need to get some help because I do not want to loss her. I love her too much, even though it may be too late I have to try and show her that I care enough about her to get some help. I want to change and be able to say whats on my mind, even stupid little things to her make it hard for me. Simple compliments that I think of in my mind do not come out of my mouth, like wow you look great today, or I love your hair today. I think them but nothing comes out of my mouth for some reason. Please point me in the right directions, is this a known disorder? And what type of counsiling should I look for?? I don't want to be in a room with 20 other people like this, I just want to be one on one with someone to find out what is wrong with me and what I can do to help this.

Thanks for you help in advance and look forward to finding out the answers to my questions asked.

Keith

March 11, 2001
9:00 pm
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thats very good. u r taking initiative. i hope u can find a good counselor and start talking about ur problems and learning to express urself more.
next time when u keep a feeling inside you, try to detect it when it happens. and then keep asking urself WHY u are hiding ur feelings. are you afraid of letting ur feelings known? if so then ask urself why. hmmm
counseling should help a bit.

March 16, 2001
8:37 am
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azza
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getting yourself to be counselled is one of the best thing u can do...now Rake...if you dont want to express yourself...its find with you...but what if its too late to say beautiful things to your loved one if she leaves you just for your unexpressive attitude...its not worth it Rake...i can see that you are very affectionate but it is still remain right there in your heart....let it out Rake...

March 16, 2001
12:17 pm
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Ladeska
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Sounds to me like you've had alot of verbal battering as a child growing up. That kind of battering "bruises" us inside and it takes a while for that to heal.... And it takes you realizing that you have this bruising inside of yourself. When a child is yelled at, talked down to and confused three ways from Sunday about every little thing that goes on in a normal day - then yes, this child is going to have trouble communicating, especially on an intimate level.

You just flat get wounded and crippled to a large extent. But, you are very young and if you realize now what has happened to you and how you've been beaten up - then you can start to heal and actually love yourself..... As children, we just end up thinking we are bad when verbal abuse happens. It comes at us and we must have earned it. It plays heck on our self esteem. We learn to stuff and hold things in and to question everything that might come out of our mouths because for so many years we've always been wrong or blamed. It's time for you to honor yourself and be good to you. It's not about you not being able to perform here. It's about you taking time out for healing....and listening to that little boy that's locked up inside of you. He has things to say to you.

March 16, 2001
6:07 pm
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Rake.

Either ACOA (Adult Children Of Alcoholics) or ALANON may be able to help you. Both are 12 step programs that have helped people such as yourself, who've been affected by the alcoholism of a close relative or spouse. Anyway, it costs very little to give them a go. You've nothing to lose but your time.

March 16, 2001
6:12 pm
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Eloise
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I have a similar problem with expressing myself, but it does not seem to be quite as severe as what you describe because I usually eventually do express myself.

I know that for me, I think of things I want to say, but can't seem to say them. For example, with two of my old boyfriends, they used to complain they would have to PULL things out of me. They would literally be yelling at me "I love you. How do you feel?" and I would just clam up; I would just freeze.

For me, part of this was fear of rejection, I think. Fear that I might say something, put myself out on an emotional limb only to have it yanked away. The other possible cause may be fear of giving up control. When someone else needs something from you verbally and you don't give it, you are in a serious position of control. What that means, I don't know.

I'm sure a regular therapist would have some ideas for you. Good luck. Hope this helps!!

March 17, 2001
12:01 am
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nrp
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