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Looking for some tough love....
May 14, 2004
12:41 pm
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acj
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Do you think he could be feeling guilty about something? Maybe he ran into the "ex-bestfriend" (girl) over the weekend and that is why he's being an ass.... He's confused or something or feeling guilty!

acj

May 14, 2004
12:48 pm
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Zinnie
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This big change is kind of sudden isn't it?

May 14, 2004
1:03 pm
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acj
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Yeah, we were seeing each other almost every day. Then he goes home for the weekend, and doesn't call or anything. Comes home on Sunday, jumps down my throat. Then Monday we have a big argument. Then he's talking about needing some space.

He's been distant and almost rude since coming back from home.....

What do you think could be his problem?? I ask him directly and he just says he's been a little depressed or he's tired. Some excuse... He says that maybe he's not getting enough sleep but he was out until 12:30 last night!

Help Zinnie... Give me some perspective here even if it means he's a lying dog....

acj

May 14, 2004
1:05 pm
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acj
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I know his ex-wife and "ex-bestfriend" are down there. I'm almost positive that he's not married and doesn't still love his ex wife. I don't feel so sure about the ex best friend... I know his exwife had a problem with the bestfriend too.

acj

May 14, 2004
1:10 pm
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Zinnie
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Whoa! You are not sure if he is divorced yet? Do you think he still loves his ex-wife?

May 14, 2004
1:31 pm
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acj
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Well, I asked him straight up about the wife. He said he would get me a copy of the divorce papers. She really screwed him over but everytime he visits his little girl, she apologizes for everything and wants to try again. He's mean to her and everything. She doesn't know about me. He says that she would create a big stink if she knew and he didn't want to have to deal with that right now.

His parents don't know about me though, which worries me. He says that he just really doesn't have a relationship with them.

I'm wondering if he's wrestling with his feelings for his ex-best friend. He had wanted to date her at one time but she was dating a few other guys. She called him about a month ago and told him she had feelings for him. He said too late that he was with me. Supposedly he had ended the friendship. But a week or two later, she called him supposedly just to tell him about an officer that had passed away. If he was as mean to her as he said he was on the previous phone call, why did she even bother to call him??

acj

May 14, 2004
1:35 pm
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toutou
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Like Zinnie says,it seems that there is a sudden change in him. He was just talking about marriage not so long ago,now he is talking if we ever brake up.And i don't like the part where he talks of breaking up and still have sex.This brings a big question mark about him.

The important thing is that you are identifying alot of important issues, very early in this relationship.So you can reflect, analyse and set your boundaries.

Toutou.

May 14, 2004
1:38 pm
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Zinnie
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How long ago did he get divorced?

Something here is not sounding right. The whole thing about his parents not knowing that he is dating someone? Why would he not simply say "I'm seeing someone"?

You know, normally I would say perhaps you are jumping to conclusions, but something here is just not ringing right.

Not only that, here is another thing to ponder. He is mean and hateful to his ex-wife, he then ended his friendship with his friend because he could not date her. Not saying that he should be his ex-wife's best friend, but I always wonder when people are that hateful to their ex's. What will they treat you like when things cool down? Know what I mean?

May 14, 2004
1:40 pm
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toutou
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Acj sorry if i have come in between you and Zinnie.It's not my intentions to interupt but i would like to share something.Can i do it now or a little bit later.

May 14, 2004
1:40 pm
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acj
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But what could all of this mean and why won't he talk to me about it? It is a guy thing in not wanting to seem tied down? Peer pressure? Guilt??

I just don't understand and he won't tell me. Is there something that I can say that won't make him defensive but will tell me??

He was telling me on Tuesday after we had that huge argument that he just thought I was too good for him. I'm just bedazzled and confused!

Should I just give him time or let him go?? I can back off and let him deal with whatever he's dealing with but I'm not going to have sex with him again until he's done with whatever problems he's having. I won't be a booty-call.

acj

May 14, 2004
1:41 pm
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acj
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Hey toutou

May 14, 2004
1:41 pm
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acj
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Hey toutou

May 14, 2004
1:41 pm
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acj
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Hey toutou

May 14, 2004
1:42 pm
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acj
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Hey toutou--

I'll take ANY input I can get!! You're not interrupting...

Zinnie--

He's been divorced for three years. He's supposedly on speaking terms with all of his ex's (which is only 4)

acj

May 14, 2004
1:44 pm
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acj
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Yeah, when he and I get into arguments, he can get pretty mean. I thought it was because he doesn't have respect for women. Could be, but there is something else here that is going on below that...

acj

May 14, 2004
1:46 pm
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toutou
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Ok, i'll start typing.

Thanks.

May 14, 2004
2:00 pm
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Zinnie
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He has four ex's? Four ex-wives? Or four ex-relationships?

If you are really questioning his being divorced check the county divorce records.

You have only been together for two or three months right? Do you argue alot?

Z.

p.s. - Hi Toutou! Glad to see you... of course you are not interupting - this is all about being an open forum, all opinions count.

May 14, 2004
2:15 pm
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toutou
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Sorry i've take all this time.

My ex of five years had two kids.But the first one was never a problem because he was old enough, had a gilfriend and a child.But the little one was the issue even if i tried my best to say that it was not.He was not married to the mother of the little girl but they were together for some years.He would always go there to visit her and always say that i should not worry because he has no feelings for her anymore.He goes there because of the little girl.And if he gets her somthing on special occasions ,he does it on behalf of the child.During our relationship,this behaviour was normal to me.But now i don't think i will be able to accept such kind of relationship again.

After sometimes together i found out that the ex did not want the child to have any contact with me of any kind.She told him if she knows that the child has been in my company,she will stop him from seeing the child.I told him that he could go to the family tribunal and ask for his right to see his child.But he did not want.It has go on for five years until i finally made my decision to quit.And guess what!Now they are together again.But he used to say that even if one day we seperate one thing he will never do is to go back to her.And this is exactly where he is now.

Not all men are the same but i always wonder.......and think....and try to compare.....

Toutou.

May 14, 2004
2:27 pm
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Zinnie,you know sometimes when i see that a 'rythm' has been established i feel wrong just to jump in between.But that's me,and everybody is wonderful here.By the way still praying for Z.

toutou.

May 14, 2004
3:24 pm
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Zinnie
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Thanks Toutou, I keep your poem with me in my wallet.

You know my first husband had five children, and by the time I came along, a different type of relationship had been worked out with his ex-wife. We ended up buying a house right around the corner from her so that we would have equal time with the kids. Ultimately, I guess it should always be like that, but I know it's not, each case is different.

But, it never bothered me for her to call him, as 98% of the time it had to do with the kids. There were a few times she stopped by or called to talk with him about something else, a mutual friend, or family member on either side. But, the conversations always ended up with them asking me to include myself. When he died, she was my greatest shoulder of comfort.

May 14, 2004
4:06 pm
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toutou
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As for me ,i was never really bothered by them communicating or seeing each other.I was trusting him 100%.Because the child was so young and i felt that she needed the father.As i was so much inlove ,i did not want to lose him.So i build that trust and allow him to spend as much time with her daughter as possible.After sometimes, he did bring her daughter in my company and we will do alot of things together.But i did not know that the ex object.And most of the time she was not aware.But when she knew there would be big arguments between them.If she calls and i answer the phone, she would just hang up.I've always wanted to be friendly,i was never mean at her.But somehow she never wanted to be on good terms with me.Sometimes i felt bad thinking that i had brake a family.But my ex would keep telling me that it's not me.Anyway, now when i sit down and look back,there's so many things for me to learn from that relationship.

May 14, 2004
4:26 pm
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acj
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Zinnie--

He's had four intimate relationships. So, he's rather naive in that department. But he's older than me by two years. He's only been married the once. The county that he lives in does not have any divorce records on public display on the internet. I found his mortgage and his marriage license.

Get this... He called me at work and I wasn't at my desk. He left me a message that he's going away on some kind of safety training somewhere on the coast of Florida. He said he loves me. He said that he would be home for just a few more minutes but then he had to leave. He said I could try to call his cell phone but he wasn't sure if he would be within pick up distance. I guess they are going by boat. He then told me he loves me again. He sounded a little anxious. I didn't call him back. I know I will feel guilty if he gets killed or something.... He always calls me before he gets on a boat for coastal inspections and calls me again when he gets back to let me know he is okay.

I'm going to give him his space. If he calls, I will answer some of the calls and let the answering machine take the rest. He needs to remember what life was like without me. Yes, he may realize how much happier he was, but if he does, then we weren't meant to be. But if he does realize how much I mean to him, then he will stop taking me for granted and let me in. I know it sounds like I'm playing a game but I'm tired of being pushed and pulled. He didn't call me all weekend last weekend and I'm not going to call him this weekend.

Should I do this?

acj

May 14, 2004
4:31 pm
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acj
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I actually wrote him a long email one time about a month ago. It was basically telling him that no matter how he feels about his wife that he needs to have a relationship with his daughter. He had told me before that she was a momma's girl and that since she didn't want to see him that he wouldn't push himself on her. I told him that she is a three year old little girl that doesn't know any better and to not take her actions toward him personally. She doesn't know that it hurts him.

I've been in the daughter's shoes and I told him that one day she will be an adult and he will have to explain why he didn't go see her very often. He's gone to visit her twice since I wrote him that letter. Maybe I've pushed him back there by that. But I told him that two people that are unhappy shouldn't stay together for the children. It teaches the children that its okay to be unhappy. They need to see what real love looks like.

So, I just have to have "blind faith" that whatever is bothering him will work itself out with time. If we end, then he didn't love me enough.

May 14, 2004
4:31 pm
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acj
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He divorced three years ago....

May 14, 2004
4:32 pm
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acj
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And, no, we've only had three arguments but they've been doozies.

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