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looking for insight and support
May 8, 2009
11:59 am
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mezzo3
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Today is my ex's birthday. I called him in the morning - whether I should have or not doesn't matter because it's done. I did it because I knew it would be on my mind and wanted to get it over with. I might have made matters worse, but what's done is done. Regretting it now will only make me feel worse.

The problem today is so simple that I almost wonder if I should bother posting anything: I miss him. Right now, I'm not thinking about the things that went wrong or the ways in which he was not a good partner. Today I just miss him. And it's not companionship that I miss; I have started to enjoy being single and have even been dating. Things have gotten progressively better in my life since I broke up with him. Whatever his faults and mistakes, he is still someone I loved.

And I know it's normal, but it feels so intense, his absence. The space left behind - I know someone else can fill it, and I know that loving myself and others is what makes me happy. But for a while there was a place for him in my life that was his alone. I feel that space keenly today, and it hurts, and it's hard not to be drawn to that feeling. I can't ignore it, but I don't want to be carried away by it. It's hard.

I miss him so much, I forgot what it felt like. It's a measure of my progress, I suppose. I remember that I used to feel this way every day last summer, when I could only go minutes at a time without crying and couldn't imagine a future. I know that I had to break up with him because of his unhealthy habits and neglectfulness - to me and to himself. But I just miss him, and it hurts a lot. I am trying to breathe through this and hope to make plans to be around people tonight. I don't know what else to do.

I am grateful for this site, for all my growth this past year, and for the kindness that is in the world. Any feedback or encouragement is welcome. Thanks for letting me lay my burden down.

May 8, 2009
12:19 pm
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cancer
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Hi Mezzo,

I guess it is quite normal to be overcome by our emotions on given occassions, the memories flood out thoughts and we long for those moments, but you have to know what you want out of this and how it will benefit you. Hang in there, it will pass.

May 8, 2009
12:23 pm
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mezzo3
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Thanks! I believe that. I know that it will pass, as it has in the past.

May 8, 2009
1:07 pm
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atalose
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What was his reaction to your call?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

May 8, 2009
1:12 pm
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mezzo3
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He was friendly; we were cordial. It felt a little formal, not like when we were intimate. I think that's what made me get sad, too, realizing that I don't have access to him like I used to. When we have spoken a few times this past year, it feels like I'm not really talking to him, like he is putting up a front of "everything is ok."

And, oddly enough, he invited me meet up with him and his friends tonight, where they will be out drinking. It kind of baffles me that he did that because he knows how I feel about his drinking. I just told him I had other plans.

May 8, 2009
1:43 pm
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atalose
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You did what you had to do. It sounds like with each of these interactions more and more of you realizes what a terrific decision you have made. Feeling sad for what could have been is normal, it’s grieving our dreams we had with some people that takes a while to heal.

The great thing is, we can still have those dreams and life achievements we’ll just have them with healthy people when the time is right.

Hang in there I think your doing terrific…….

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

May 8, 2009
4:13 pm
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mezzo3
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Thanks for your words of encouragement, atalose. I believe in them! It's just a hard day, and it will end.

May 9, 2009
11:07 am
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sunshine88
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atalose, you've always been a source of wisdom for me. hi mezzo3, your post is inspiring. i see myself like you someday, already enjoying being alone, have gotten over a broken relationship.

the only thing i can relate to now is that sense of longing for somebody we used to hug and care for. oh, i know that feeling very well.

May 9, 2009
1:03 pm
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It No Longer Matters
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Hope today is better for you

Bitsy

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