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Looking for help....
April 16, 2001
5:58 am
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kab8
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I'm turning 40 soon and taking a look at my life. I'm not your average codependent! I have been indepentdent all my life, I think to a fault! God blessed me with a child 5 years ago(dad is a friend, we were together one night)but I feel like a freak because relationships just don't happen in my life. I am a very nice person but I have been overweight all my life and that is why I feel men don't ask me out. I just dont know anymore! I've been really depressed lately and I dont like it! I want to be a happy, positive role model for my daughter.

April 16, 2001
12:46 pm
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Molly
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There has been alot of research regarding weight and emotions. My second husband is overweight, and came from an overweight family. When he hit 43 his weight and depression really effected other health issues, htn, and diabetes, the medication made it worse. Once he started to change his eating patterns, and work out on a regular basis, everything about him changed. He also did lots of work with a counselor, realized how he used his weight to controll, as well as food for comfort. It was like what the heck, not like a candy bar is going to make a difference, but it did, and the workouts, oh, my gosh. He said fat hides feelings, what does that mean to you? I only mentioned this as you related being over weight in your post. Wanting to be different is the first step, we only change when we are ready, or sick and tired of being sick and tired, so congratulations.

April 17, 2001
5:11 am
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kab8
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April 17, 2001
5:23 am
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kab8
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Dear Molly, Thanks for your imput! I would be curious on what you think about a codepentdent being alone most of her life. I mostly hear of codependents going from relationship to relationship. And your right I am sick and tired of being sick and tired!

April 17, 2001
4:32 pm
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Molly
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I don't really care for the pop psyche term to be honest. I think its a great label for those of us that have gotten lost in the evolutionary changes of the self centered society. We are not supposed to care what people think, or be dependent on others, and have strong boundry lines with what is and is not acceptable to us. That is supposed to be healthy, of cours that is a real big generalization, so watch the comments from the peanut gallery. You know this was never a diagnosis prior to 83 or so, sometimes I think it is or was a catch all for the growing number of therapists, however for every action there is a reaction, and how else could people blame and disconnect from their families of origin?Good excuse for divorce etc. I have theories, šŸ™‚ My immediate take on you, intuition, is that some how some way you were hurt, or maybe terribly dissapointed, or from the get go, have distanced your self from future pain, don't let them get close enough to hurt you?????? Chubby little girls get lots of rejection starting from the very first day of school, and maybe that is all it took? Just a big guess here on your independence, and lack of relations. We can subconciouslly put up walls, and maybe its time for the walls to come tumbeling down? The weight could be your first line of defense, I mean my God, what kind of changes could you expect if you were not overweight, had more energy, you might ????????????????? It serves depression too. It is also time for you to get your hormones checked!! I started menopause at your age, and I am watching my sis start,and its hard to not be a science project so do your homework, as you embark on your changes. I just got back from the md, and not at all surprised, as I try to keep up on things, and can't believe how it is all interrelated. I have personally gone through a couple of rough years, the last 2 I tried with out hormones or antidepressants, the md just told me, that high cholestrol triggers low thyroid, estrogen controlls cholestrol, low estrogen also lowers resistance thus colds and flu, also raises histimine, which is why I have allergy, the stress of fighting depression causes low adrenal glands, thus problems with resistance,Which I guess sums up the returning hot flashes, low interest in anything šŸ™‚ sick all the time, 25 lbs weight gain in 1 year despite exercise, and why I'm tired after 8-9 hours of sleep. Not that this fits for you, but there are lots of women like me, that put off going to the md, for what ever reason,and continue to not feel good. So go to the md, and get checked out, as you change, your relationship with life changes, and when you feel good you attract people. I don't think you are co-dependent because you want a relationship, or love in your life, you just must be really ready to let it in. We all get to that sick and tired place with different things at different times. šŸ™‚

April 18, 2001
5:34 am
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kab8
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Thanks again Molly! Your words are insperational. It is nice to get imput from other people. I really think just talking about things brings them to the surface and I'm starting to do this. The last time I was truely happy was when I was in a suppot group and brought everything to the surface. I have been stuffing and pushing down emotions for the past ten years. I think I'm ready to try to capture inner happiness again. Please write me back.

April 18, 2001
5:07 pm
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Molly
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It is so easy to just get into a rut, accept accept, low energy, why bother, then one day we wake up, and realize that life is short, and we are not getting our fair share!! There is a book called I think the Path of the Artist, or the Way of the Artist, should be in the self help section, but it outlines a way to discover you, sorry I sold it and having a brain fart. I would also recommend Oprah's show on Mondays. I think the woman that she has on the show has a couple of books out, and they go over womens make overs. Its real main stream, but some good examples and motivations. Also good reading is the 4 agreements, a good start. Lots of good reading, but all require effort, I think your up to it.If you can get back into that group then do it. I prefer a group process for growth, its to easy one on one to bs the therapist, or for the therapist to milk you for their mercedes payment. In group as I am sure you discovered they call you on your story and make you face the sometimes ugly truth. but hey no pain no gain.

April 20, 2001
5:36 am
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kab8
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thanks once again. It is so weird how just talking with you has made me more aware of myself. Yesterday I went out and got my hair done, bpught a couple of new shirts and even a little make up! This week has been very tough, lots of waves in my river if you know what I mean. But I did put myself first. So I'm making progress!!

April 20, 2001
12:51 pm
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Molly
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We gotta crawl before we can walk, or in your case, hold on to that life saver. There will always be changes in the tide, and as we gain stregnth, learn to tread water easier. But at least you decided to jump in. Each day as you do this or that, it builds your self love, or self esteem, the trick is to keep doing it, even when your mind says, no I just want to go back to my old habits. So keep on keeping on, that is all we can do. It gets easier. Or it just gets more familiar, and when we get knocked on our butt, it dosn't shake us up as much, and teaches our children how to endure.

April 23, 2001
3:12 pm
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kab8
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thanks again for your kind words......

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