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Looking for advice, thoughts or suggestions.......
July 12, 2007
3:23 pm
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Lisa Ann
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I recently broke up with my boyfriend because I need to work on my co-dependency issues. We have talked a lot and decided that we want to work on these issues together, as a couple. Everything is going great. We are both so happy.

He is moving out of his house this weekend and has a few very good friends coming over to help him move. When we broke up, he was devastated and he seems to talk to his very good friends a lot about what is going on in his life. They always want to know how he's doing and stuff like that, so I know he talked to them a lot about life and what's happening. Anyway, I have not seen any of these people since we have decided to be a couple and work through this together. He asked me to come with him this weekend and help him move, and originally I said Yes. But, now I am not thinking that this is such a good idea. I am feeling a bit anxious about it because I just feel like everyone is going to look at me and judge me - think to themselves, holy crap, this girl can't make up her mind. They probably want something better for him. I don't know. Anyway, I have a lot of those thoughts in my head, which may or may not be true. So, obviously I'm a little bit anxious about it.

So, I sent him an email today - we have both been in meetings all day and we are seeing each other tonight, so we can talk more about it tonight. I just wanted him to know what I was thinking. So, I told him that I just feel very uncomfortable around most of those people right now. I don't feel that they understand what I'm going through, nor do they need to. It's my life and I don't need to try and explain my life to anyone. I just don't want to feel like people are upset with me or anything like that. I think I will just feel awkward and out of place. So, I told him that this was not me being difficult or mad that he talked to people, it was me trying to protect my feelings, since I would not have a mode of transportation to leave, if I started to feel very uncomfortable. Plus, I don't want him to feel like he has to explain anything to anyone.

I'm sure that these feelings will go away and get better as time goes on, but for now I'm feeling a bit anxious about them and I would just rather avoid dealing with that anxiety right now. I know I can't feel like that forever, but maybe start to hang out with them one at a time, instead of 5 all at once. Who knows.... Anyway, I know he will understand where I'm coming from, but I was just curious to see if anyone else has had something like this to deal with early into recovery (from alcohol and co-dependency).

July 12, 2007
4:32 pm
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It No Longer Matters
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Lisa Ann,
I have come back to your post several times today to see if anyone else responded to you. I am not sure how to respond but know what it is like when you are feeling frantic and no one will respond...
Could you be over reacting? Is it possible that his friends know how he feels about you and would be glad to see you there?
I personally am working on seeing the glass half full so that is the reason for my line of thinking.

Bitsy

July 12, 2007
5:01 pm
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turnabout
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It's ironic. You fear feeling judged by them, yet by presuming to know their thoughts is judgmental as well.

It's also a bit judgmental to presume knowing how he spoke to them of you if he himself hasn't told you and neither have they.

Your wariness is understandable, though. That's a natural fear, but what it is, really, is fear of the unknown. You don't know how their opinions of you may have been affected by your breakup, so your substituting your fears for what you don't know... treating them as though they were facts instead of speculation.

The only productive way around it is to go THROUGH it and confront it.

DO talk to your boyfriend about your fears, but have an open mind about options he may present. Don't make your decision until you have talked with him. Confront your fears with him and let him be a partner in confronting them with you. Surrender some of that need to be in control of all circumstances, including the tendency to avoid any situation where you don't feel in control. That's codependency.

But for now, it's too much to say go or don't go. Just keep your options open and suspend your decision until you've talked with him.

July 13, 2007
12:54 pm
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lostgirl
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When I was married, some of our original friends merged with and into mutual friends. After the divorce, we were inevitably thrown together in a mutual "get-together." I was terrified that his friends would hate me and judge me, but they were genuinely glad to see me, and we had a great time. In fact, they invited me out several times since (when he was not included, of course). So I think you should give them the benefit of the doubt, because if you're to remain a couple, you will need to interact with them again at some point.

July 13, 2007
2:07 pm
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turnabout
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You know, kind of going off of lostgirl's thought, if you're going to be involved with your ex again, and having to be around his friends again at some point, you don't want to get off on the wrong foot.

I read once that when we avoid facing our fears, we actually make them come true.

Going by that, it seems to me that avoiding that day and trying to control how you can start associating with them one on one later could really backfire on you. It could make them think you're stuck-up and needing to do things all on your terms. Instead of making the situation safer for you, it could make it less safe.

Something to think about.

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