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lonely, but too depressed to be around people
June 21, 2009
11:54 am
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blueriver-

Hello! Welcome to AAC. By the way, your english is fine!

Sometimes it is good to hear that others understand how I feel, on the other hand, these are usually nice people offering to reach out... and I am sorry that they feel bad as well. So thank you for writing, but I am sad that you (and others here) go through this kind of pain as well.

Do you think maybe your family are trying to be affectionate and tease you? Are they just insensitive or do they truly dislike you? Either way, it hurts.

You are correct when you say that I want someone to be with, and that my heart has emptiness. It does feel like there is a whole in my life, no matter how hard I try to love and be a good person, my efforts don't bring me friendship... this is hurting me, and I feel I am becoming a smaller, not-so-nice person. I need to change quickly.

Thank you for writing.

hugs,
ella

June 21, 2009
12:42 pm
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hi again mzrella. thanks for the reply. so u think that ur still in not interested with friendship??i think the way we talk/chat here is same like u(me and all of us) are not only having a chat and sharing thoughts, but in the other side of it, in my opinion, we are kind of developing a relationship/friendship..i think u might try to make friends via internet (chatting/YM/FS/MS). maybe someday u might find ur perfect mate..

June 21, 2009
2:32 pm
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blueriver-

Oh, I DO think of my AAC friends as friends, who I have valued over the years. They have helped me through a lot. I appreciate it so much when people write to me. But as far as "off-line" I don't have much of a social circle or support system.

I am on facebook and I hate it. It makes me feel lonelier than ever... everyone writes about their family life and the fun things they do with their friends and their achievements. It makes me feel like a loser. I'm having a hard time putting on "the happy face" wherever I go... and believe me, that's all most people I've met are interested in seeing.

As far as finding a mate, I have given up hope for that.

-ella

June 21, 2009
3:52 pm
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chelonia mydas
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Hi Ella,

Just thought I would drop by and say hi! I've been thinking of you lately and sending positive thoughts/energies your way.

June 21, 2009
10:50 pm
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chelonia-

Hi. Thank you for your sweetness. I wish we could hang out in "real life" and have a cup of tea or something! I truly count you among one of my long time AAC friends and value the comfort you have offered me over the years.

Today I called a friend and neighbor and we went to lunch, a street fair, and then did a little shopping and then walked our dogs (how we met). It's always good to see her. So that cheers me a bit. I wish I had more friends like her, but I don't think there are many like her out there! That's what makes some people so special. I am not used to having someone be so kind to me. I'm used to hanging out with my sister after all.

Now I have to do something to keep busy for the rest of the night. I do have a good book.

-ella

June 22, 2009
3:17 pm
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Ella,

You said: "For some reason, I'm having a hard time maturing and getting past the fact that I had/have certain obstacles that aren't well understood."

Ohh....I SO KNOW what you are talking about girlfriend! Like it is 'emotional arrested development' or something.

Yep - I know exactly the scene you describe about the noodle salad. I think about that same scene from time to time as well. (Funny hoe certain scenes from a movie or a particular lyric from a song can really hit the nail square on the head isn't it?)

For me, one of my favorite scenes is from the movie: "Shawshank Redemption" in which the Andy Dufrasne (sp?) character is on his hands and knees in the sewer line literally crawling inch by inch, foot by foot, yard by arduous yard....and he EVENTUALLY gets to the end - then stands up, rips off his shirt and lets the rain wash him clean (the poster shot for the movie...) Yep - I get that one alright!!!!! 🙂

Bottom line, I am thinking getting back to the anger/resentment thing....life isn't fair.

(I've kind of toyed with that idea/notion little bits and pieces at a time over the years. Not easy.)

Life isn't fair. I think what makes it especially hard is what someone else posted here about 'magical thinking' on another thread.

Not only is life not fair, but it seems to me that we have been 'brain-washed' to a certain degree with most songs/movies which always taut a 'happily ever ever' mindset...now that I think of it, probably why you and I and I suspect others as well really hone into those rare instances in movies which address real, honest (sadly rare) stuff!!!!!

Anyway, I feel a tangent coming on so I will stop for now. To tell you the truth, I really do think that alot of my depression could be lifted/eventually alliviated by simply getting in touch with mountains of my repressed/denied anger - and giving myself the 'green light', sort of speak for venturing into such a societal, taboo subject without any type of personal censoring myself....TO myself....you know?

In closing ella, take a look at your initial post about being too depressed to be around people and compare that against your last about a experiencing a lovely day in which you reached out/risked calling your neighbor and had lunch, went to a street fair, did a little shopping and walked the dogs.

THESE are the things to keep in mind, I would suppose.....in a positive retrospect.......so glad to hear about your great day with the neighbor lady!

June 24, 2009
1:52 pm
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(shameless bump because this thread is what has led me to my other post about the role of TV and depression/anxiety.)

Also, have been wondering ella, how have you been doing lately?

June 24, 2009
3:39 pm
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Hi Ella,

I too consider you a good friend who has been there through all the joys and sorrows of life.

Glad to hear you got out with your friend. She sounds like a great person to hang out with. I wish we could hang out in real life too. We have a lot in common.

How have you been?

I've been real busy with my new job- but loving it so much. I'm still with the same organization, but more removed from the folks that used to bring so much drama to my life. Also much of their gossip has played itself out and now is old and moldy and most folks are tired of it. Its been a learning experience for me to see how this has played out, to just keep going day after day and stay true to myself while those around me do their thing. At one point I thought it was a huge crisis and they would completely destroy me. But the storm has passed and no lasting damamge was done.

Why don't you stop by the Coffeehouse and we can have some tea there. We are planning a Disney vacation (my vote is for a cruise) where all the coffeehouse friends will go on a fantasy trip. You are definately invited if you are interested. Even if it isn't your cup of tea, stop in whenever you feel like chatting. I'm usually there several times a week.

June 25, 2009
12:08 am
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truthBtold-

Hi and thank you for such a well considered post.

You are SO RIGHT about us being brainwashed by culture to think there will be some magical solution, that we can arrive at happiness. It is as if the western message (esp. American) is if you really try, you can achieve happiness. Oh wait... ISN'T that the American Dream?

Another movie reference, even though it had a happy ending (it was a true story), the Pursuit of Happyness with Will Smith playing that gentleman who was a genius and became homeless and then a very wealthy entrepreneur. The whole idea was that he knew it wasn't just hard work, although he did work hard... he KNEW he was gifted... however, he lost a lot (his marriage). He realized that the American Dream was NOT a promise of Happiness, but only a promise of the pursuit of it. And one can argue, that some can pursue it more easily than others- that only their children will have a chance at it, etc.. But it was an interesting point.

Talk about a tangent, sorry. But it sort of fits what you were saying about fairness.

No, life is not fair. I don't know, it seems to make me pretty miserable that I don't accept that... on the other hand, it could endow a person with some good qualities too if they do not accept that notion. Unfortunately, I am not endowed with greatness or a role of greatness in life, but I believe (when I'm not a hormonal bitch or completely cranky) that my pain has made me a more understanding person than a lot of people I know. Some people are understanding without it, granted, but who is to say what experiences in their lives have made them compassionate. I remember my first boyfriend was such a sweetheart and so understanding of the plight of women because he watched his mother and his sister go through such heartache... he never wanted to hurt someone like his father or his brother inlaws hurt the women he cared about so much. So some people just are compassionate from what they see around them. I don't know.

So unfairness, well... it's hard to look at the big picture when you are hurting... and you are not outside of it. I can't talk spiritual here, but I think that is the realm that one gets into when you talk about the unfairness of life to a great extent. It's hard to rationalize sadness, much less the great suffering and atrocities in the world. Hard to comprehend them in the face of people taking it easy.

You are right, I can make my days at least a little better if I consider how I spent this past weekend. So I made plans with an old friend to visit a museum next weekend. I think that will make my day happier.

I want to look for your TV thread! It definitely relates to depression! I've cut down on anything but nature, science or pbs shows lately. I've been doing a lot of reading and that pleases me.

Hope you are well,
ella

June 25, 2009
12:14 am
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Chelonia mydas-

Hello. Lately I have been stressed, bitchy at my coworkers, and feeling bad about it. Work is a pain, but I think I like my job when I am feeling better so I'm not so sure it has to do with any events going on there, it may be my mood itself.

I'm glad to hear you are loving your job. That is truly a rare and fortunate thing to have in life- a job one loves.

If I am not too exhausted before I turn in, I will say hello in the coffee shop. I do have a sink full of dishes and need to shower.

Thank you for writing to me, it makes me feel thought of.

-ella

July 25, 2009
1:24 am
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This is a thread I started a while ago, but I just keep feeling worse and worse.

Lately I am afraid that my loneliness is contributing towards suicidal feelings and vice-versa. It's just really difficult for me to get through my days. I'm okay when people are decent, but I work with the public and as anyone else who does knows, people are often challenging to say the least. I used to be better at dealing with conflict because I would bottle everything up, which works in the immediate situation if not in the end. Now I have trouble diffusing things with a difficult person and get caught up in it. This sort of thing leaves me feeling like "the bad person." And makes me feel worse about myself, like no one would want to be around me and I am unworthy of friends. Regardless of the circumstances.

I'm working on stuff like this in therapy, it's just that it takes so long to change... I'm trying, but in the meanwhile it's soooo hard to be angry and not know how to handle it well. I mean, countless things happen during a person's day that they could or couldn't decide to react to. I think the first step for me is NOT TO REACT no matter what I feel, and the ultimate goal is to change my thinking and not get angry at the small stuff.

What I am REALLY angry at inside is being lonely. I could whine about not having a man, but that is so far from being a real problem for me when right now I barely have any friends. I have four people I hang out with, two are my sister's friends when it comes right down to it. The other two are good friends, but I am so petrified of having them see the real me that I walk on eggshells because I do not want to lose the friendships. I feel like no one really knows me well enough or cares. Honestly, I have a love for so many things, but I am losing my love for life if that makes sense. Life is not about what you do, or what you have, but how much love you give. I feel my capabilities are compromised and it's a vicious circle. I also feel I don't have the opportunity to be the giving person I used to be and this sucks. So the whole "you have to give friendship in order to get it" doesn't work when no one wants it to begin with.

I have a new therapist which is hard because sometimes I feel like bursting but I don't feel I can call her. I don't want to be the girl who cried wolf because I feel like ending my life sometimes, it doesn't mean I am going to do it. I just want people who care around me, they don't necessarily have to talk about my problems- just enjoy things together would be nice enough.

Sorry this is long I just hurt so bad.

i hope someone is awake.

-ella

July 25, 2009
9:38 am
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Hey Ella,

I'm sorry you're in pain. How awful to feel like you can't be yourself in front of the people you consider to be friends. Hard to step in other peoples' stuff and feel bad about it.

On another thread, I had the same question. When should you leave stuff to other people if it involves you?

I'm so glad you're seeing a therapist. Tell me, do you trust yourself? Do you trust others?

I'm learning to trust that other people speak their truth. If crazy says he's crazy, acts crazy = HE IS CRAZY and cross the street and leave him with his madness. I don't always see it because my own stuff stands in the way but I'm getting better at it.

Hugs to you. What good thing can you do for yourself today?

July 25, 2009
9:40 am
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I feel your pain. I am also down to four friends in real life. I hang out here a lot and on another site. My personal space has been invaded by a relative and I wrote about it on What do you do about an icky feeling.

Last night, my daughter was with her father since I had to work at the beach yesterday and today. A friend called and just as I was pulling into the garage she called and wanted to know if I wanted to come over. She promised dinner. She asked if I would stop at wal mart and pick up cigarettes for her and her husband and a couple of bottles of wine. Rather than be home and alone I went and spent the evening with them. She is helping host a brunch for a couple who are getting married and is having guests in from out of town tonight. I am comfortable enough in their house that after she got tired stirring the roux for gumbo she had me stir it a while. She asked me if I would like to come Sunday night for leftovers then realized what she said and got a little flustered. I told her not only did I have thick skin I had a thick skull and didn't even think to be offended. She kept telling me that I could come to dinner tonight. I laughed and said I would really rather come for leftovers. I wish I had more friends that I was that comfortable with.

I have always known deep down inside of me that I would be the one that really didn't put forth the effort to get out and meet people. I have always depended on whoever I was dating to be the social one and plan that part of life and I willingly went along and had a great time, but I am just not the one to do it.

Since I am in this house that I am staging to sell, I could plan a big party and have people over and consider it a business expense. I may fiddle with that idea....

In the end I am rambling and not really addressing your issues. ...Just know that I am here and I understand how you are feeling. There have been several points in my life that I have thought of ending it. Not to the point I would actually do it. I do truly believe suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but sometimes....

The best advice I can give you is to stick with therapy. Keep posting here even if it feels like no one is reading or cares. Take care of you.

Bitsy

July 25, 2009
10:08 pm
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It is so hard to make good friends. I've moved twice in the last three years, and every time, have found myself friendless, in a new area. It's so incredibly depressing.

*hugs* Hang in there.

July 26, 2009
8:04 pm
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Hi Ella,

I'm so sorry that you are having these feelings. It sounds very painful.

I consider you a friend and think that you are very worthy of friendship just as you are with no dancing or eggshells involved. There are so many things about you that are wonderful and most people would enjoy having in a friend.

I know I've said this before, but I really think that you just live in a tough place to find friends. You should keep that in your thoughts when you are upset with yourself that you have trouble finding friends. Not to say that there aren't good folks there, I'm sure there are lots- but just that its not as much of a lets-make-friends kind of place as some other places are.

But I also understand what you are saying because I have felt that way myself. About not being tolerant of the public and still having to deal with them.

There are some books/cds by Pema Chodrin that have helped me a lot in seeing things differently and being able to better deal with and love who I am and work with my situation however painful it might be. Among the books I've read are "When Things Fall Apart" "Getting Unstuck" and "Start Where You Are". All have been great. My local library doesn't carry her books, so as I get a little extra $$ I try to get a book and she has several titles on my wish list.

Can you take a vacation to some other part of the country? Maybe getting away for a bit from the current cycle of your life will help you break out of this pain.

I am here for you Ella and hope that things get better for you soon.

Love ya sister

July 27, 2009
10:52 am
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Lanigirl-

One thing I have to do is stop contact again with my ex, who really is disturbed and whose addiction is worse than ever. No denial is deep enough to prevent me from realizing that. If as you can say, he can act crazy, I need to trust he is and recognize that it is something I can't deal with- as I did before.

It's just now I am much more lonely so it's harder.

Yesterday I went to the movies with one of my two friends, and chatted with the other online to plan another get together. That friend is a longtime friend, but I'm still trying to keep conversation light. The one I went to the movies with understands a lot, has a lot of problems herself, but that's exactly why I don't want to dump on her. This is fine normally.... it's good to have a good time with your friends, not to always be talking heavy stuff... but when you don't have many you want SOMETIMES to feel like you can. It's not them, it's just me being afraid to lose them.

So it was nice to go out. Today I'm getting my dog groomed, then myself! I'm going to get manicures with my sister.

That should be good enough to get me through the weekend, but what about the work week? I have been spending too much money lately in shallow efforts to pick me up.

thanks for writing,
ella

July 27, 2009
10:59 am
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Bitsy-

What did your friend do, invite you over to shop for her and then PREPARE the dinner and then to eat the leftovers? Do I have that right? WTF? I would have been so confused myself. Then I would have been PISSED. Sounds like you handled it well.

Your idea about the party sounds clever. I wouldn't even know who to invite to one, it helps to have parties and ask people to bring people. I would steal you idea except I live in too small a place.

I've been in therapy longer than some people I know have been alive (27 years). It helps. But it doesn't work miracles. It's not going to get me friends. It helps to have a place to cry so that I don't cry to my few friends though!

thanks for writing,
ella

July 27, 2009
11:05 am
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Life and Luck-

Yes, my troubles began mostly when I moved because I did have to give up my friends because of the lifestyles they led, in addition to the geographical move which would require an extra effort to see them even if I didn't (only a small one since I live in the city, just a bus ride).

But worse than that, there is the shame that comes with my illness and related behaviors that makes me never want to go back and keep in touch with people. Not everyone understands mental illness- and even if they do, it's hard for me to erase my bad memories and feel good enough to maintain friendships through psychotic breaks, suicidal episodes and drug dependencies. Friends themselves also become bad reminders of that history. There are entire places that I love in my city that are too painful to visit because it reminds me of how sick I was when I spent time there. It's like starting over over and over again.

I've been stable for seven years and without drugs or alcohol. So I guess I feel the emptiness more than I would otherwise. I know the difference, and I don't like it.

Thanks for writing,
ella

July 27, 2009
11:22 am
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Chelonia-

Hello, thank you for saying hello. Yes I do consider you a friend as well!!!

I have seen Pema Chodrin speak before. Someday I will try her books. I'm still slowly reading Melody Beattie books which I am slowly getting through because I read books for work and also for pleasure. Right now I am reading a long one that is over 600pp long so... you know how it is "so many books, so little time." I'll see if our library has any Chodrin books. I have to stop buying books. I have no space.

My city is a tough place, but everyone I know seems to have friends so I believe it is me that is the problem. It would be easier if I had kids, give me that to share with people who would take me more seriously, places to go with them and other moms, etc. Also, not being married is hard. Every decent guy out there is married, and the women that are married with families are too busy to make friends.

My coworker had said to me once "You just have to wait a few years until all the good men divorce their bitchy wives, then you will definitely meet someone." Not nice, not true, but funny I guess.

A vacation is out of the question. I can't even get two days off in a row to go to the doctor for a procedure I need. I'm thinking of just calling out sick, if they won't let me take it in advance by being considerate and letting them know- just calling in and saying, "I had a procedure, can't make it." My boss is really getting on my last nerve making me feel completely unappreciated, trying to take away my time off that I planned and need and allowing another person to have it who have less seniority because he is difficult. She's "nice" but inconsiderate. A little spineless too. I think I'm going to have to make MY difficultness work for me in this situation if that's all that she responds to.

So work sucks as always. The kids are cute and funny though. They give me drawings and notes that say they love me and I am "#1" so I have that on my fridge at home to cheer me up. They are why I am there, not to make my boss happy. I just do my job the way I am supposed to, and I need to learn that just because the boss doesn't give me validation... doesn't mean I can't give it to myself or recognize that I get it already from the parents and children I work with.

Some people are difficult, and it's hard to remember at times, but they really are the few and far between. They just have an impact I can't deal with sometimes. I'll try those books and put them on reserve at the library. If I like them, Melody Beattie can wait (I own her books).

Thanks for writing, as always I appreciate your thoughts.

-ella

July 27, 2009
6:10 pm
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Today is one of those lonely days. I was supposed to go with my sister to get a manicure but we had to postpone it. I'm on a diet, off for a while because I was sick, on again... so now I have to get on it and I HATE it. Also, I was going to the gym and my routine got cut because I was sick. Tonight I hope to have my first night back. I am tired, but maybe I will perk up after.

What I am dreading is the diet shake that i have to drink after my next load of laundry. I am starved but still don't want it. It's so boring. I put fruit and all in it but it doesn't help. My body image problems are so bad now, even if I lost 15 lbs I'd still hate my body. So it's hard to get motivated about that.

Doing the laundry keeps me so isolated and that's what I'm doing now. I took my dog to the groomer already, that was a relief to get overwith. She won't let me brush her now for some reason, since her surgery. I don't know, maybe they tried in the hospital and she associates it with that. So those dog worries are a little eased today. She was fine with the groomer.

For some reason my dog isn't making me feel better. I'm really resisting the urge to curl up and go to sleep.

I feel so empty, sad and lonely. My friend posted something on FaceBook and we got into a discussion about it and I don't think she liked what I had to say. (It was about older men and younger women). Whatever. I guess some of us people on facebook are not supposed to have minds of their own. It was one of my least favorite topics, and a provocative one so what did she expect? I don't think I was obnoxious. I'm just sick of always being the "wrong" one, the "bad" one, the "unpopular" one. It's like I might as well apologize for my existence.

Well, I can't apologize ENOUGH to MYSELF for my existence. Sorry for existing, self.

I miss everything I ever did that made me feel better, even when it was bad for me. Nothing I do now seems to be enough.

If anyone has time, please just say hello. It means a lot.

Thanks.
-ella

July 27, 2009
6:38 pm
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Ella - Hello! You have been 7 years without drugs and alcohol! That in itself is a huge accomplishment. You should be proud of yourself! I would think you have made it through the toughest part. I hear you sister, lonely days suck. Mondays for me are always bad. I am unhappy with every aspect of my life including myself. I know it is hard to put on a happy face and keep going sometimes but I guess that is all we can do. Try and do things that make you feel happy or content. Know that you are not alone and we are here to make the dark days brighter! Take Care.

July 28, 2009
12:14 am
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laughalot-

Yeah, it's supposed to be a big deal I guess. But it's not like I got high everyday of my life anyway so it doesn't feel like I did much except give up something that made me feel better at times. Basically I self medicated when I was depressed, it only started to develop into an addiction at one point- the last year I used. Not that I'm trivializing it, and I guess it was really hard for me to stop when I look back on it, but right now... my views are distorted by depression and loneliness. I really feel like screaming sometimes. Tonight is one of those times. I'm in my apartment and I just want to have a primal scream and say "What's so wrong with me? Why doesn't anyone care if I live or die?" Because really, besides my parents, no one really does. I know people are thinking I"m just saying that for effect, but it's true. I'm kind of in the loner circumstance right now.

I went to the gym tonight, but it sucked. I'm out of shape and I hate how long it is taking just to get through a workout without getting disgusted with my body. The wierd thing is, I'm about the same as I was almost ten years ago. It's just the notion that I turned 40 and it's not gonna get any easier.

Thanks for writing.
-ella

July 28, 2009
11:26 am
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Hi ella:

Sorry you're feeling so down, my friend. Being sick doesn't help either.

Somehow kiddo ( I can call you that because I am older than you- ha!), we've got to get you out of this slump.

I have hardly any work right now so I've spent more time than I should thinking, and my thoughts drift to some of the things you say since I pretty much feel the same. At least when I have work I am busy and don't have time to deal with it.

I finally said to myself that I have to find something else to be interested in, something to occupy myself. I did end up getting an itty bitty job for 8 hours a week, and at least it takes my mind off of things while I am there.

Maybe think outside ot the box- think of something crazy you never thought you would do and make a goal to do it. I know we've discussed travelling, or taking a short trip by yourself. You said you can't do it right now but maybe think of somewhere you've always wanted to go and make a plan. There are travelling groups of just women that might be fun for you- no "coupledom" to make you feel bad.

As far as the gym- there MUST be women there that have bodies not as nice as yours (RIGHT??). I'm not in the best of shape either and am certainly no twiggy but I see others and think OK, I look better than her. SURELY you can say THAT, right?

I'm pulling for you ella, just like I always have!

((((ella))))

sd

July 28, 2009
12:42 pm
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September 27, 2010
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Sorry you are having a crummy day. No the bit about my friend was that she had this big social weekend planned in which she was having out of town company and was hosting a wedding shower brunch on Sunday. My point is that it is good to have friends that you are comfortable enough with to say, hey this is what is going on in my life, care to jump on the ferris wheel a while. We drank wine, had BBQ chicken for dinner and I helped her make gumbo for Saturday night. There was nothing there to take offense in and she was cleaning house and would have had to stop to run to the grocery store and it was on my way to her house. What is key here, is that she would do the same for me. It is one of my truest friendships. She had issues with her mother growing up. Her mother was crazy mean to her as a child. She swears in another century she would have been locked in an attic and no one would have known her parents had her. Yet, somehow she came out all right. She always laughs when I make my comment about therapy that I bought and paid for this personality...it's mine.

Bitsy

July 28, 2009
8:50 pm
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chelonia mydas
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September 24, 2010
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Hey Ella,

Just checking in to see how things are going for you today. You are in my thoughts.

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