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lonely, but too depressed to be around people
June 13, 2009
12:32 am
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Anyone ever feel like this? When I go out and make an attempt to socialize, or just get out and about, it is really hard for me to be around people. Yet I am lonely, so it's a catch-22.

My mind is not working right, that I know. This depression is out of control, I'm really feeling the bipolar part of me taking over. My therapist thinks I may not even be bipolar, just some kind of depressive.

Despite my actions to fight it, I am feeling a darker and darker mood. I got medication, but it's not helping much.

Also, my mood is so low that recently I have started spending time with my ex. I don't know how after three years I got so weak, but I did. That doesn't help matters, but oddly enough, so far it doesn't hurt because I have just been feeling so low my mood is impenetrable.

Everything seems so trivial and every day stuff gets on my nerves and seems pointless. I am trying not to complain, yet I have to stop myself from doing it a lot.

Today I had an okay day at work with the kids, but after I came home I crashed. I can't handle my housekeeping right now... I do it, but it takes a lot out of me, I bought some new skirt... (just to give you an idea of the level of inertia and making a mountain from a molehill), but it doesn't fit and I am obsessing about how I'm going to get to return it to the store (three blocks away). Problems that aren't problems are becoming huge issues for no reason. I'm definitely losing my mind. I can't deal with conflict or disappointment too well right now.

I don't know, it's hard for me to get along with people right now- I really end up biting my tongue a lot. My perceptions are a little warped and I know it, it's not paranoia, but just dwelling on the negative in an extreme way. Sometimes I have the most evil thoughts.

I feel like I am drowning in tar.

Anyone here suffer from depression or bipolar?

-ella

June 13, 2009
12:51 am
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tenderheart
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I get like that often. Most of the times it is when I am hard on myself. I begin to put myself down. I was worse before. But that is the negative in me. There is something to do about it. We often get comfortable being depressed, hard on our selves. I believe in higher power greater than me. I will keep you in thoughts as you battle with loneliness and depression. I will be here to lift you up if needed. Yes we get tired but we need motivation our motivation to say yes I can clean, yes I can take the skirt back I don't like it and I want my money back. Or say okay not today but I will try tomorrow. Keep on believing in your self. This site is a great support. I am sorry if I wasn't helpful. But I was lead to check in on this site and your thread was the first I read. I was beginning to allow old habits come back in but I know that's what holds me back from real joy and peace...

June 13, 2009
1:21 am
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tenderheart-

Thanks for writing back at this time. You were helpful because all responses make one feel less alone, and heard. What are the old habits you were worried about coming back to?

I am not comfortable being depressed. That seems to be a common assumption people have about depressed people. It's okay since a lot of people don't truly understand mood disorders, and their biological and chemical nature... including people who have them. All those who suffer from them can do is try to change their lifestyles to improve things, and get help.

I have been suffering from bipolar since childhood. I have always been a fighter, it's just sometimes it takes over (in the most awful instances, I struggle until I crashed and then self medicated, or attempted suicide). But I don't define myself by those times because they are not the norm for me. I am a hard worker, I have many interests, I am involved with my family, try really hard to meet people, etc... It's just an uphill battle a lot of the time.

Part of what depresses me is a sense of alienation from other people who have not gone through similar things or do not understand things. Actually, it is an illusion, because you don't know what people's pasts or lives are like- but that's just my point. Depression creates this distorted sense of reality, although a lot of it is based on truth. My father says what I have is comprable to Post Traumatic Stress disorder and feeling like no one will understand you because you've been through hell and back. Even though I'm not overtly conscience of it all the time exactly, but it's more to do with stuff that happened in the distant past.

People don't understand that everyday stuff is so much harder for the depressed, not that we are lazy or inept- there is an inexplicable struggle going on (The example I gave, the skirt thing is ridiculous. I will do it, it just shows how depression messes with you and makes you think even the most simple tasks are monumental). Sometimes I get this awful robot sensation that goes on for weeks. I feel repetitive or routine tasks make me crazy so I have to break up the routine.

I indulge myself a lot, I make my life easier in some ways I rather not (some times I spend money because it's easier than not doing it, (ex. taking a taxi, going to the store that is more convenient yet more expensive or buying things on line) but I don't make a lot- not out of mania, but out of the need to preserve my sanity and not get stressed out). But I also work harder than a lot of people on somethings because I feel like I need to accomplish things to feel satisfied with my life which is so lacking in so many areas.

Mostly, I lack a cohesive or ANY real social support. I hang out with only one or two friends besides my sister and HER friends... and this bothers me. I never rebuilt a social circle from the one I left when I left my "old life" behind a few years ago.

thanks to anyone who is reading.

-ella

June 13, 2009
1:31 am
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One positive thing I started doing recently is exercise and dieting. Usually dieting is not something I believe in, but I figured I'd try it to see if it works. It's that Isagenix stuff they actually advertise on this site. I will not offer a testament or criticism of it either way, just to say I'm trying it because I normally eat very healthy so for me to "diet" the traditional way wouldn't help much. I needed to start off with something that gave me a kickstart.

Well it's hard! But it makes me feel good that I am TRYING. Especially the exercise although I fell asleep tonight cuddling my dog and didnt' wake up until it was too late! I will get better. I worked out three times this week, plus one day of a short 20 minute walk. So I'm proud of that. Body image stuff is REALLY getting me down, but taking action helps a little even if there won't be much of a change (even when I weighed my best weight, I still looked much the same... just firmer). It's about how you feel, so I'm hoping I get more energy out of it.

Other things I'm doing is seeking out friends more, different friends from usual and going out when I don't feel like it. Sometimes that doesn't work out so well, but at least I try.

-ella

June 13, 2009
10:00 am
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Lanigirl
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Hey Ella,

I hear what you're saying about socializing. You mentioned that you have a dog so I assume you love animals. What do you think of doing some volunteer work with animals? It's helped me to get out more and do something that Iim interested in.

June 13, 2009
10:28 am
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hi Ella, i am with you, i go thru crazy depressed times, so you are not alone on this.

Keep trying to do things for you, lil' things, yeah, bring that skirt back, get the money back. If you don't feel like doing it today, do it tomorrow. Just don't let the negative thoughts get the best of you.

You are a strong woman Ella, and been on this site for years. And yes, i think we all go thru tough times, depressed times, happy times etc.

Wishing you a better and great day today.

((((hugs to you....Camer))))

June 13, 2009
10:29 am
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hi ella, i feel the same way sometimes. the feeling of depression can be very tiring, i know. you get sick of being sad all the time. and u just wish that you can snap out of it, but sometimes, no matter how hard you try, it just keeps getting you down anyhow.

it does get to be a cycle. u feel lonely. u try to be with people. but u dont feel u belong,u dont feel understood then u r back to ur being sad and lonely.

i am not an expert on this subject. people say that healthy food and exercise does help our body to cope with depression. another is to surround ourselves with supportive friends. choose them well. reach out, and be brave enough to ask for a hug if u need it.

i think what you're doing to make things easier for yourself can be good. it's part of being kind to yourself. you're already stressed up, u need to save all energy u can.

i wish anything more useful, but i dont know much. i just do little things to get by, and i do get by anyhow. if u have to cry, u can cry. seek support from friends at this site when u need it.

my sister encourages me to get into arts. she said that the greatest masterpieces in history were done by people at the height of their emotions, high or low, mostly low. and she said, whatever art or music u make when you're sad will never ever be done again, because you wont have that emotion the same way again. r u into any arts?

June 14, 2009
12:14 am
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Hi Ella,
Old habits that came about were isolation, stopped exercising and caring about my well being. I was making a turn in my life up until two years ago. Something happened in my life and I began soul searching, trying to find meaning etc. I did find what makes me happy and my rock, however I just stopped putting in the effort to care for myself. But I believe it's a transition of breaking away of depending on others to make me happy and it's about being happy with me. It takes work and by coming back to this site I know that I will find my way. I have to get back into the mode of caring about me. I have come along way but if I am not careful I could be hurting my future if I get lazy and stop trying. I sometimes feel like I am on auto pilot.
Thanks for listening!!! I see that I am not alone.

June 14, 2009
2:21 pm
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Ella,
You are very aware of your depression and this is a great asset.

June 14, 2009
3:25 pm
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Hi Ella,

Sorry you are feeling this way. I do understand what you are saying, but don't really know what advice to give you. I just usually get through each day and keep in mind that things eventually change. I know its not very helpful to say that, But I also wanted you to know that you are not alone and that things will eventually get better.

You are in my thoughts.

June 15, 2009
11:09 pm
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Lanigirl-

Volunteering would be a good idea, it's just that I feel a little stressed from my schedule and work related homework, and in addition to that I feel like I could spend more time with my own dog who recently suffered a spinal injury resulting in surgery. I wanted to go to meet-up groups with her, but I'm a little worried about her "playing too hard" and the vet advised against that. So I meet people when I walk her sometimes. Actually, I made a very good friend that way. The only friend of mine that I feel is a positive force on me %100. She is a very kind person. So I guess I just have to let life happen and take it slowly and maybe in the future I'll be fortunate enough to meet more nice people like that.

Thank you for your post, it was a good idea. I do love animals, and someday I will do more for them.

-ella

June 15, 2009
11:15 pm
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(((Camer)))

Thanks for the much needed hugs.

Today I got another skirt, but I had ordered a replacement for the first one by mail so when that comes I'll just get a refund. They were very nice about it so I don't know why I get anxious over these matters. I'm getting into my social anxiety mode I guess.

But I did end up with some nice clothes to cheer me, although right now the experience did NOT help my body image problem.

However I am exercising just about daily, and on a diet. I'm not sure about this diet, or dieting in general as I have a healthy sense of what to eat already. It's just my meds and a lot of time without exercise led me to gain about 20 pounds and that makes me feel lousy. Most likely I FEEL worse than I look according to others, but that is a big deal. I need energy so exercise will help, as will shedding the extra weight.

Somethings can get better when you put action into the picture, and that usually makes me feel a little better, but there are no miracles. These things require patience, there is no instant gratification for what I need and want in life- and some of it, I may have to accept that I just may never have.

Thanks for writing.

-ella

June 15, 2009
11:17 pm
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soofoo-

Yes, I agree with your statement about awareness, but I have been aware of it for decades! I guess I want more and more change. To a degree, depression will always be with me and I can only change how I cope with it.

-ella

June 15, 2009
11:25 pm
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sunshine88-

You are very insightful. Yes, I am a former artist... I kind of stopped producing anything substantial when I went for my masters degree for my job (in another area). This happened because the schedule of work and school was so intense, and then later, I got more involved at work and had to start spending outside time on my job... also, commuting took a lot out of my schedule and my energy level. So to make a long story short, I don't make art anymore.

However, lately, I have had stops and starts of it again... and I hope it will "catch on" for me. Today I went to an art exhibit that was very inspiring. I live in one of the greatest cities for that sort of thing, so there's no excuse for me to avoid it like I have. Some of the reason is because when I am not doing my own creative thing, it hurts to look at the work of people who are. There is a touch of jealousy there- because I have to work in this job that takes me away from those other interests in life (who doesn't though?)

So I think a healthy lifestyle, and doing creative work, enjoying the creative work of others again... well, that might help. That is my plan anyway. Maybe you and I can talk about it because sometimes, I need a little push!

Thank you!
-ella

June 15, 2009
11:28 pm
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tenderheart-

Wow, so you went through similar things with losing your exercise/health routine and now trying to gain it back? Do you have a thread about this? I know there were some now and again about exercise and diet, but that's before I had a good routine going.

Perhaps we could be each other's online support system, there might be a place for us on one of those threads already if they are still going on.

See you around the site, we will talk and compare notes. I am just beginning again really.

-ella

June 15, 2009
11:29 pm
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chelonia mydas-

Thank you for thinking of me. That alone makes me feel good.

-ella

June 16, 2009
9:39 am
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Hi ella,

What you describe in your first post is something that I could have written as well.

I understand EXACTLY what you are feeling and experiencing.

Please know that I along with others here validate wholeheartidly and with 100% conviction and understanding your feelings and experiences, hands down!

Depression is just awful to begin with. Add to that the stigma still attached to it for those that do not understand it - and it is like adding insult to injury - you know?

We feel bad - then it is like feeling bad ABOUT feeling bad on top of it.

But for me, I have realized that I can ease up the pressure on myself by realizing that I no longer have to carry around the burden of trying to explain myself. I have depression - end of story. period. I don't waste my time automatically thinking that I have to explain it to everyone nor feel shame anymore because of it.

Depression IS a very serious medical condition - period.

It's NOT about a lack of willpower or some charater flaw - it is something in our brains that bypasses the pleasure portion.

As I understand it, science is now able to take brain scans which prove this by-pass of sorts.

Aside from that, for me, I understand completely what you say about the skirt issue....and 'making mountains out of molehills.'

I do that all the time on trivial stuff and you can well imagine the almost shut-down for something really major.

For me, what I am starting to figure out is to ask myself when I fret over such little stuff - what's up with this? Why am I really freaking out over this little thing?

What I have come to realize is that it stems from my need for perfection and control to a large extent. Now just WHY THAT IS - well, that takes some serious delving into feelings that I have been denying/repressing for many decades and more likely than not fear and profound disappointment seem to lay at the heart of it.

Again, for me, I almost seek out the opportunity to experience those dreaded old disappointments (a little at a time, mind you) because after it is over with, I do end up feeling better and more connected with myself as a result....and I am plagued less because of it.

On a final note, I think that your taking a taxi and going to the closer convienence store is really a pretty positive thing - you know? Not something to feel bad/guilty about but just that you were taking it a little easier on yourself and there isn't a darned thing wrong in that girlfriend!!!!!

I have this cute, little fat book entitled: "Really Important Stuff My Kids Have Taught Me" by Cynthia Copelan Lewis. In it there are just some really wise saying from her children like.....If the horse you are drawing looks more like a dog - make it a dog. Play, don't watch. If someone else has done it, you can too! Some nights it's not worth fighting over who gets the top bunk. Don't be so afraid of losing your frisbee that you never throw it. 🙂

(((Ella))) Here's a big ole bear hug for you and hoping you have a better day today!!!!!

June 16, 2009
9:48 am
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Hi Ella,

I hope your dog heals. My dog has mange right now and the expense and worry is hard to take.

I read something this morning that you also may consider - progress, not perfection. Perhaps that will help you on your way as per eating healthy, etc. By the way, I found that eating 23 almonds takes the edge of the munchies plus being good for you.

June 16, 2009
11:38 pm
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truthBtold-

Thank you for your post, I really appreciate it and enjoyed reading it. You speak the truth on so many things, and I wish more people had your wisdom- but I certainly appreciate the few who do.

I like so much of what you wrote. Taking the burden off yourself by reminding yourself it's a medical condition. I know this intellectually, but I need to think of it in that context. My problem is also that I have RESENTMENT for having it in the first place and JEALOUSY towards those who don't, which is childish and doesn't help me. But I can't help it.

The thing is I NEED to change because, as any addict will tell you, resentment is a dangerous thing. Maybe addiction is not my primary issue, but I see where that is a valid point.

Yeah, I have the perfectionist streak too. And many say that desire leads to despair, the desire for perfection must mean perpetual despair then as perfection is never reached. Most likely in my case, perfectionism is to overcompensate for all the things that are wrong. As is workaholicism, as is codependency.

Thank you for making me see my seeking of conveniences as a good thing. Actually, you are right, how often do I allow myself to think I'm worth something good anyway?

The book with things learned from kids sounds funny. I think I will look for that one. I work with kids. They are a trip.

-ella

June 16, 2009
11:44 pm
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Lanigirl-

Sorry to hear about your dog's suffering, are you sure it's not allergies? My dog had a food allergy which I thought was mange and then when she got the right food her symptoms cleared up.

Can you or did you see a vet that would consider seeing you on a sliding scale? The aspca?

Sorry, I'm being very codependenty asking questions that are not my business and giving info not asked for.

Progress, not perfection was one of my favorite slogans when I was in NA. Funny how I seemed to have forgotten so much of what I learned there. That's why they tell you to keep comin back I guess! It's important to think that way with the health thing b/c one definitely had their down days (today I got very sick, "car sick" from my commute and felt ill all day. I thought it was from not eating enough so I had a BAGEL at the staff meeting. Turns out that didn't help.) Then I just came home and slept without working out, but you know what, I needed it.

I tend to think in terms of all or nothing, and that's just not a good way to be.

Yes! I called my doc about the diet and she said almonds too! I have some on hand.

Thanks!
-ella

June 18, 2009
11:07 am
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ella,

Awww, thanks for the compliment.

(I don't know so much if it is wisdom as much as it is finally figuring just basic stuff out at a much later age and then being able to articulate it to myself first and then to others in an effort to prevent someone else years of floundering about like I have..)

Boy oh boy, I just have to tell you that I have been thinking about what you said about resentment and jealousy!!!!

That's a real raw nerve and not something that most of us like to fess up to about ourselves.

It's leaving me feeling both off-balance and grounded at the same time - if that makes sense?

Hittin a nerve alright!

Getting past the societal 'negative' connotations surrounding such 'nasty' words as resentment, jealousy, envy, anger etc...and just seeing and feeling and processing them for just what they are - feelings.

No more, no less.

Seems (and feels to me) that it lessens its impact and hold by just feeling and accepting it at face value and then letting it flow for what it is.

I so appreciate your honesty, ella. I really do. It is helping me out a lot!

You know, just yesterday I ran across a quote which might be appropriate here:

"The truth will set you free, But First it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem." 🙂

June 18, 2009
12:35 pm
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mzrella,

Thanks. I took the dog to the vet and it's definitely mange. I've taken my pets to the same vet for years so I'm just going to pay and deal with what I can.

Wow, you sure hit a nerve. I also am jealous and resentful of people that don't suffer from depression. I've always wondered what that would feel like.

I also think in terms of all or nothing. I constantly have to remind myself to do things in small parts so that it gets done and I don't feel overwhelmed.

I've started to eat junk again so I'm going to hit those almonds today and drink some water.

June 18, 2009
11:04 pm
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truthBtold-

It's hard for me not to recognize the jealousy and resentment in myself as it looms so large in my consciousness. It really hinders me in so many ways and is very painful.

For some reason, I'm having a hard time maturing and getting past the fact that I had/have certain obstacles that aren't well understood.

In the past I might have mentioned this, there is a scene in the movie "As Good as It Gets" where the three characters are in the car talking about their lives and past and present problems and there is the following dialog:

Carol Connelly: OK, we all have these terrible stories to get over, and you-...

Melvin Udall: It's not true. Some have great stories, pretty stories that take place at lakes with boats and friends and noodle salad. Just no one in this car. But, a lot of people, that's their story. Good times, noodle salad. What makes it so hard is not that you had it bad, but that you're that pissed that so many others had it good.

That's genius! I LOVE that scene. That's me. I'm like a female Melvin. I'm sad, I have my own miseries... but they don't bother me as much as when I think about how some people get to skate by without these circumstances. It's stupid and useless comparison. (Compare... despair). I know. Then I get all ashamed thinking, well I could be living in Darfur trying to survive hour by hour. But that doesn't work.

I like what you said about recognizing the feelings of jealousy and resentment as feelings, and just that. Feelings are involuntary. If we went out and acted bitchy about them, that would be quite another thing. But if one is aware of where they are coming from, like I KNOW it's coming from myself and not anyone else, then it helps me not act in ways I'll regret. Sometimes it is easier than others.

Also, it reminds me of what you said about depression in general. About thinking of it as a medical problem, that we have trouble experiencing pleasure when depressed... and that makes it easier to understand in ways.

Thanks for writing today,
ella

June 18, 2009
11:11 pm
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Lanigirl-

So sorry your baby has mange... I was just hoping it was allergies like mine because it is a lot cheaper a problem to fix! Let me know how it goes with that... I wish you and your pet the best.

Yes, the jealousy and resentment thing is hard to admit because it makes one feel small and well, not like the best person we can be. Truth is, it has nothing to do with moral character. It's emotional stuff.

Like you I think I wonder what it would be like to live without depression since the last time I did, I was a child. So I've lost perspective.

I also think in terms of black and white, I'm trying to be better with my dietary discretion (today was kind of off...) and exercise (be happy when I go to the gym even if I don't have a good work out). It's hard.

Good for you with the almonds and water. I had A LOT of trouble with water today. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Hope you are well,
ella

June 21, 2009
7:17 am
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hi mzrella. im new here. i have the same problem as u too. i think mine is not so depressing but more to introvert when u said that u cant get along with people. so in my case, my introvert makes me so depress and lonely. people even my own family dislike me and call me geek/ nerd. it hurts me so much. i felt sad, lonely, and helpless...but for ur case, in my opinion, i think deep down inside in ur heart, u really want someone to be with and to fill ur empty heart..(oops, sorry for my english).

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