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Lolli needs help.....and this could help you too
November 9, 2006
9:54 pm
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lollipop3
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Thank you everyone.

This deserves a group hug....

(((((((((((GROUP)))))))))))))))))

I wish every single one of you happiness and peace.

Love,
Lolli

November 9, 2006
10:14 pm
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lollipop3
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(((Lalasgirl))),

I"m so sorry that you are going through this. I read your other thread and my heart breaks for you.

If I had to choose a catagory for you...it would be FEAR. Fear is what you have been conditioned with and fear it seems is what you live by. Fear of abandonment. Fear of embarrassement. Fear of facing the shame you feel. Fear of failure.

Having said that.....fear is not always a bad thing.

Fear may be what is keeping you there but fear is also what brought you to the halls of AA. Fear is what brought you here. And I'm so glad you're here.

I know how difficult this time must be for you but please don't drop the charges on your husband. Change is very difficult for anyone and nearly impossible for an abuser unless he really and truely gets it. After reading what your husband has said to you....placing blame on you for destroying his reputation, blaming you if he loses his rights to carry firearms, giving you conditions as to whether or not he will get therapy.....I can guarentee with 100% certainty that he WILL NOT CHANGE. Just those 3 examples makes me believe with every fiber of my being that he doesn't get it....and he won't get it unless and until HE begins to accept the consequences of his actions.

Do yourself (and him) the biggest favor you can and let him suffer the consequences of his actions. It really is the most loving and healthy thing you can do for both of you.

Good luck and thank you for sharing.

Lolli

November 10, 2006
1:39 pm
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bevdee
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From reading Sleepless' post, I am thinking of her statement " Because he picked on the little things that I knew I was bad at, I ended up believing him, accepting that I was hopeless, accepting that he was right in that and would be right in everything else. "

and "And he didnt do that to me on his own....I helped him. "

It makes me think that even if my ex- who I call Lucifer- had not ever whooped up on me, there would still have been damageinflicted, because there was verbal, mental, and emotional abuse. Because when I decided to "love" him, what did I entrust to him? Maybe I believed I needed him to validate me? Was this need so great in me that I just handed it over?

This has made me very very cautious since I got out.

November 10, 2006
2:41 pm
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turnabout
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lollipop3:

To me it is less about "strength" and more about self-love. We do not lack strength but love for ourselves.

Excellent, excellent observation, Lolli.

November 10, 2006
2:54 pm
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Lolli,

I finally have had time today to sit down and read this thread. I really hope you will consider posting your paper on the libs side the way I did with my pornography and women's sexual health paper. I want so much to read what you write about this!

Thank you so much for putting this thread up, and to all the women who have participated so far --

katiescarlet 8-Nov-06 . southgoingzax 8-Nov-06 . lovinglife 8-Nov-06 . mj 8-Nov-06

cammyjo 8-Nov-06 . 2alone 9-Nov-06 . bevdee 8-Nov-06 . free 8-Nov-06 . armyleo 8-Nov-06

revelation 9-Nov-06 . sleepless in uk 9-Nov-06 . lettingo 9-Nov-06 . Jimcy 9-Nov-06

lalasgirl 9-Nov-06 . and anyone who may have posted while I have been writing this. You are brave, caring, resilient women and I am proud and humbled to "know" you through this website.

sincerely, kroika

November 10, 2006
3:12 pm
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Hi Lolli

Hope you are well. I had to copy and paste Ellie's story for you from Sam's Site. It makes so much sense.

what a remarkble women.

WHY DID I STAY???

I have wrestled with this question for a long time. While with him, I sometimes wondered, ‘what on earth am I doing here’? I refused to believe my life was such a mess, that he was lying -- and in my refusal to accept reality, I trapped myself in my disbelief. Since gaining my freedom, I have looked back on those 4 years 9 months and wondered, ‘what on earth was wrong with me that I stayed so long’? In my acceptance of reality, I let go of my disbelief and accept I was a victim, long before I met him.

I know there are the physiological/psychological factors that compounded my convoluted thinking causing me to accept my belief that I was incapable of leaving him and would be lost without him. I know these factors contributed to my inertia and the resultant trauma bonding that held me pinioned in his unholy embrace. But none of these factors explain why an intelligent, well-educated, articulate woman did what I did – before the trauma bonding, the Stockholm Syndrome, the depression, the pain.

Why did I stay?

I stayed because in the process of burying my truth beneath his lies, I turned off my inner voice of reason. I quit listening to myself telling me that regardless of what he was saying, what he was doing wasn't adding up. I gave into despair, helplessness and confusion and gave up on me. I wanted the rosy sunrise of his promises, the gilded cage of his castle in the air and gave into the magical thinking so that he could make my dreams come true.

I stayed because I didn’t want to take responsibility for what was happening in my life, my daughters’ lives and to me.

I stayed because it was easier to stay than to leave. It was easier to take the coward’s way out by staying locked into his machinations than to take the leap into the unknown by leaving him and his lies behind.

I stayed even though I knew he was lying. I knew he was deceiving me. I knew he was manipulating me. I knew all of this but I refused to look at the truth because to look at the truth meant having to look at me – and I was too frightened to do that.

I stayed because I was a victim and I didn’t want to admit it.

As I write this I think about those who might say – but you can’t blame yourself. You didn’t know who he was when you first met him. You went into that relationship with your arms wide open in love and expected to have your love reciprocated in equal measure.

And all of that is true.

None of it matters though when I look at the reason’s for why I stayed.

I could walk into a hundred relationships with my arms wide open and still find them empty – because my arms wide-open were filled with my own empty promises that I would treat myself with love and respect, truth and honesty. My lack of clarity in my beliefs, my values, my principles trapped me in his lies because I didn’t know what I stood for.

I stayed, not because of him, but because of me. My weaknesses brought me to my knees. My weaknesses kept me locked inside the web he wove around me.

Two and a half years after gaining my freedom, I am willing to stand in the naked light and state, unequivocally, I stayed because of me.

He abused me. He lied. He deceived. He used terrifying stories to hold me silent. He manipulated my mind and smothered me with his untruths.

But I am the one who chose to believe him. To let go of reason so that I could accept his unreasonable words and actions. Accept his unacceptable behaviour and compromise on myself – not because of who he was, but because of who I was and who I refused to be – independent, strong, uncompromising in my belief in me and what I deserved from love and life.

I stayed because I did not have the courage and strength of character to stand up for me without fear.

In my world, post P, I am 100% accountable for me. Post P I cannot hold him accountable for what happens to me today –Just as he is accountable for what he did, I am accountable for what I did, and what I do today.

Today, I let him go, in peace, without shame, blame or pain. Holding onto resentment, bitterness, anger keep me from living the beautiful life I deserve. I let him go because I have the courage to take charge of my life today, to be 100% accountable for me today and to make choices that love and support me every step of the way.

I leave him behind because I know that the past is gone, today is alive and tomorrow is just a dream away. A dream that will come true as long as I walk my path with dignity, grace and ease, 100% accountable for me.

From Sam's site

All my love

Garfield

November 10, 2006
3:42 pm
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November 10, 2006
3:45 pm
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lalasgirl
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wow garfield. these words are those of deep consideration and an evolved spirit of strength. thank you. God grant us all the serenity to accept the things we cannot change (abusive people) to change the things we can (our outlooks that we deserve better) and the wisdom to know the difference (God's mighty plan)...thanks

November 10, 2006
3:56 pm
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lalsgirl

I cannot agree more with you. We need wisdom and strenght to see right from wrong and to act on it.

Garfield

November 10, 2006
5:43 pm
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lollipop3
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Hi everyone and thank you all for your continued participation. I hope that you have gotten as much out of this thread as I have. And thank you Garfield for posting Ellie's story here. I think many of us can relate with her.

(((Kroika,)))

I was afraid somebody would ask me to post my paper. I will think about it but being the insecure, perfectionist that I am..... I hope that you will all understand if I don't.

Love,
Lolli

November 10, 2006
5:47 pm
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Hi (((lolli)))

hey, no pressure. But I will say that I was afraid I would get kicked off the site for posting mine... and it was a really nice reality check that not only did I not get kicked off, but I received some very encouraging responses and feedback. (And some not so encouraging... but I always try to consider the source 😉

Or, you know, you could just post your favourite paragraphs one a time on the "desperately seeking kroika" thread.... no one will see them there :0)

hugs and a heartfelt cheer to you, love kroiks

November 10, 2006
6:11 pm
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lollipop3
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Hi Kroiks,

I mmmmight be able to post a paragraph or two if I get some good feedback from my professor. If not....I may just have to set it on fire.

Hugs back attcha!

Lolli

November 13, 2006
4:48 pm
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wow garfield..
i had to print that one to save in my file.. to re-read and re-read. as it applies and hits home with me.
I too am very responsible for my own shortcomings. for lying to myself and accepting the way other people treat me and making excuses for them INSTEAD of letting them create their own destiny and being true to myself by standing up for what I truly believe in.
Thanks for sharing. ALl of you.
TDM

November 15, 2006
1:00 pm
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mj
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Hi Lolli,

How did your paper turn out?

November 15, 2006
1:15 pm
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I've been reading, and reading, and reading, and haven't known how to answer the question for myself. The truth is so ugly. I think the real reason I've stayed is because I think it makes me look good -- it makes me feel superior. He's an addict; I'm a person who has conquered drug addiction. He's a liar; I am honest. He's angry and mean and discouraging; I am kind, gentle, patient and encouraging. I seem to have a superiority complex.

jill

November 15, 2006
4:53 pm
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thedogsmom
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i stay because I love him and I don't want to hurt him and I feel sorry for him and will worry that he won't survive and be happy without me. is that a superiority complex? or a lack of love for myself?

I think I am a good, smart attractive good catch for anyone.
???
TDM

November 15, 2006
5:01 pm
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bevdee
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dogsmom,

I know about this!! " he won't survive and be happy without me."

I had thesse thought, too. He survived and even had the nerve to flourish!

Bevdee

November 15, 2006
11:45 pm
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lollipop3
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Hi ladies and thank you for continuing to post.

To answer your question MJ....my paper is still not done. I'm burning the midnight oil at this point. It's 11:42pm, my paper is due tomorrow and I'm about half done. I've taken tomorrow off as a personal day so I can finish it. I also have to go to a wake for a friend that died, but that's for a different thread. Drugs....ya gotta love 'em. NOT!

Overall, it's been a nightmare...but thanks for asking.

Love,
Lolli

November 16, 2006
9:55 am
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mj
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You can do it! Love to YOU

November 16, 2006
10:20 pm
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Hi Everyone,

Well....I finally finished my paper and handed it in tonight.

I couldn't have done it without all of you sharing your personal stories and giving me the direction that I wanted to take.

I still don't know if I am going to post my paper or not but I would like to share that in my research I have found that "hope for change" appears to be the #1 reason women stay in abusive relationships.

Unfortunately....they very rarely do.

The upside is that most women DO ultimately leave these, often hopeless, situations.

Thank you all again for your help and don't ever stop looking deeply within yourselves.

Love to you all
Lolli

November 16, 2006
10:23 pm
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Thumbs up! I'm proud you finished it!

Bevdee

November 16, 2006
10:28 pm
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lollipop3
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Thanks (((bevdee)))

November 17, 2006
2:52 am
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Yay, way to go Lolli!!!!!

I vote for you to post it..... big surprise, eh?

Congrats on getting it done, and I hope you get a great mark :o)

big hugs, kroika

November 17, 2006
3:56 am
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bevdee..
ha ha.. thanks for the reality check.
i have no doubt of course..that he truly will survive and somehow flourish out there with or without me..
guess i keep forgetting this. thanks.
TDM

November 17, 2006
4:54 am
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sleepless in uk
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Well done Lolli...only hust caught up with this thread again. I am so pleased for you...you deserve a big big pat on the back.
And of course as in so much, I echo Kroika's sentiments but absoloutely NO pressure

Bevdee...thanks for your comments and for understanding what I mean. Sometimes I feel so unsure of my own perceptions that I still question my judgement or 'take' on the situation. It really helps me when someone undersands a remark or a feeling

thank you ladies

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