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Lluvia
May 8, 2009
1:59 am
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sunshine88
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hi there girl, hope you're reading this, and am thinking of you.. sending lovely and positive thoughts for you.. hope you are well.

please do let us know how you are, sweetie.

June 2, 2009
8:27 pm
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Lluvia
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September 27, 2010
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(((sunshine88)))

June 3, 2009
8:52 am
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sunshine88
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Lluvia, my darling dear! i am so glad to see you here! come, come, how have you been?

(((Lluvia))) love you sooo much, girl!

June 3, 2009
10:32 am
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Randomwomen2
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(((Lluvia))) How are you sweetheart?

June 3, 2009
9:45 pm
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Lluvia
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today is the last day of school.
school starts, my senior year, on my 17th birthday

dont know what to say. alot has gone on since i shut off from everyone.

more family drama blah blah blah idiocy and ignorance of my family members has led me to a point where i realized i could quite care less. senior year is coming, im going to be 17, i have one more year to deal with this. one more year.

a good thing is i have come to love myself for who i am. i am a food, anime lovin gamerchick and aaaah im proud of it sooo...I HAVE FRIENDS they are guys gamerguys who i have alot in common with (growing up with 3 brothers and as a boy made me awesome nongirly oh yeah)

it took me awhile to open up. they saw i was always alone at lunch and all and they took me in. after awhile meeting them i realized i didnt want to be alone anymore and ever since then i havent been..they wont let me anyways =] & they make me happy because they made me realize family ISNT everything so friends are good to have. haha they had a plan to move in together all of them and have a game room and everything (halo lovin, gamer peoples dream room) and so they see i have some problems so they volunteered to help and plan to add me in their plans so we can all have eachothers back like a family. all the guys have known eachother since elementary/middle school and live in the same neighborhood so they are so close. anyway they showed me there is life outside family and theyve been protective of me which is funny... they're like a family to me

when i find myself sad i turn to them and they make me happy. i have a reason to smile now.

aaargh. i've been able to seperate my home life from school its not perfect but at least im not breaking down like before. so teachers and students have pointed out i seem happy now =]

my sleeping is barely getting adjusted (summer started haha worse timing)

i have not been hurting myself much just everyonce in awhile some guys (not my gamerfriends) play around and and touch me sometimes aggresively which idk why but i freak out and i begin yelling to STOP TOUCHING ME repeatedly but idiocy leads them to believe it means to keep going even if im in tears until i push away and run. then they say i'm being dramatic and they dont want to talk to me until i quit acting like that WTF WHEN A GIRL SAYS STOP IT MEANS STOP gosh guys are idiots i dont mean to freak out some days im more sensitive to my surroundings and triggers are more sensitive and i cant help it. working on that too though.

aaargh. dont want to get into my home situation cuz well ive been seperating that and dont want to go to it unless needed. best left untouched.

i have changed for that better. i love myself for who i am, im not the fake perfect angel girly girl but weird gamerchick (yay)

i have not returned to my church. that step will just take me awhile longer i went once and i felt eyes striking through me, my fellow church people dont understand why i stopped coming and why im different. again i could quite care less.

i have a i could quite care less attitude. i didnt want to continue being a pushover so im somewhat defensive now but only because i dont want to be taken advantage of anymore ugh people call it rebellion.

my split-personality. been working on it, the 2 have mixed so i found a fine line in the middle with a good balance which im happy with. im not too sexual, too defensive, too much of a pushover, too conservative and etc. every once in awhile i find myself off the line and on a side but i attempt to control myself.

im not trying to please my family as the perfect angel they had, my family has loosened the leash, and loosened the shackles, they are actually thoughtful to my feelings and making sure im "happy" i know this is only so i can continue keeping my mouth shut but im still used as their dolled up trophy child in their social events to continue my parents image going. i only do this because my younger brother has no idea what is going on because my refusal for anyone to speak to him so i must continue normally so those who dont know wont know. i cant handle more added to what i have.

aaaah. dont know what to say, i have alot to say but dont feel the need to open up and tear up. i am focusing on my friends and my happiness, when i cry i find laughter turns those tears into tears from joy, when i hurt i find it turn into pain in my body from laughing so hard.

i still suck at relationships. the guys know that and are patient and understanding that it will take time and patience. amazing that i have guys waiting but i just cant be a girlfriend. working on it too

i have found reason to smile and a new life to look forward to.

sorry for not coming. i went through a time without contact due to frustration and just went away to heal. i doubt i will come here for my problems only because aaah too much to write and i just.... (im survailanced like crazy like now so its too risky)..and idk im scared to open up like that again. i dont want to feel the pain thats why i have an i dont care attitude. i dont want to cry anymore im tearing up a bit just thinking of opening up i just dont want to think about it i just want to play and be happy. i dont want to ever go back to what i felt months ago. i dont want to open up how i truly feel and what i truly feel because i honestly dont like feeling. id rather be numb. aaaah ima get off that cuz im tearing up

thanks to all of you who have helped in for that what felt like forever period of time where i was at my worst. without you all here id be alot alot worse.

(((((everyone)))))

June 3, 2009
9:53 pm
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Lluvia
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September 27, 2010
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true laughter and happiness is a good way to cover up the hurt and heal quicker

also there's this quote i read i think here that has helped

"Each morning when I open
my eyes, I say to myself

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be.
Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet.
I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it."

Groucho Marx

im going to be happy in it and im enjoying everyday (attempting to) and avoiding the hurt and sadness coming my way. i focus on happy and good so my i dont care attitude has helped give me a shield

June 4, 2009
1:02 pm
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sunshine88
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September 24, 2010
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oh Lluvia, you do sound so much better, and am so proud of you (((Lluvia)))

i'm sincerely wishing for you the best, for you to conquer your dreams, get away from whatever drags you down, and be the best you can be.

i love you dearly, young girl, and i hope that i will be here whenever you need to vent or just to talk. it's ok, you dont have to write here all your problems, like how you did before. sometimes, i write in here just to feel that i'm not alone, and i do find friends who are around to cheer me up, and just infect me with their positive attitude in this neverending struggle called life.

glad you're enjoying being a gamergirl. i used to be a gamergirl too. but my eyes give me such a strain, that i decided to quit.

surround yourself with people who accept you for whatever.

see you around, sweetie. take care of yourself and remember to always believe in yourself. 🙂

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