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lluvia-i think im calling cps...im beyond scared...PLEASE HELP
February 17, 2009
10:41 pm
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chelonia mydas
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Lluvia,

You CAN get through this!!!!! You WILL get through this!!!!!

It is NOT YOUR FAULT this happened. It is NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to fix this!!!!

You should be protected. You deserve a good life. You are worth it.

Your family is messed up, but you are not. That is why you hurt. There is hope for you to get through this and have a great adult life. Your pain is proof of that. You see through the bullshit and want something better. Hang in there and you will get it. As an adult you will be able to make your own decisions and live life how you want to.

Just take it one day at a time. I know life is hard right now. I know you are scared about the changes that will take place with your family. But in time it will be what it will be.

There is an old song that was released when I was going through something similar to what you now face called "Children of the Night" By Richard Marx

There is a phrase from that song that I've repeated to myself countless times that has helped give me hope. It has also become true

"How I long for something better
Than this life I know too well
Lord, I know Im bound for heaven
Cause Ive done my time in hell"

Here is a link to the youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v.....-rtBk2TVwU

I know I'm bound for heaven cause I've done my time in hell has played in the back of my mind, when I was going through hell. And now its something I think of when I realize how far I've come and that now as a 30something woman I have control over my life and for the most part my life is good.

Lluvia, you have much to live for.

Things are going to change, but it will be for the better. It just feels like its falling apart because all you have known is in flux.

Whenever you feel like you don't have the strength, come here a post. There is much encouragement, support and strength here, from women who have been where you are now. You are stronger than you realize.

February 18, 2009
12:08 am
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Lluvia
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thanks

this whole thing is frustrating

i grew up traditionaly mexican. respect elders, family is everything and that kind of stuff.

i love my culture. thats why this was so hard. family is my everything but im the outcast and i never knew why. everyone pointed out i was different from the rest so they joked i was adopted. i thought everyone had my childhood and i didnt realize i was the only one. my cousin (girl not involved) i told and she was shocked she couldnt believe that happened and i felt awful because i knew why i was different. this didnt happen to anyone in my family...just me.

so i feel like i betrayed my family wait i dont feel i know i betrayed my family. family is my everything and we have eachothers backs no matter what. thats why i didnt want to say names.

my family is going to hate me. without them i have nothing but i needed to try to save myself before it was too late

"can you stay strong, can you go on, Kristy are you doing okay? a rose that wont bloom, winters kept you, dont waste your whole life trying to get back what was taken away..."
"Kristy Are You Doing Okay?"-The Offspring, a song about a guy to his friend who was molested as a child

i dont want to waste the rest of my life. i will admit im smart especially in math and i have so much potential but im very messed up in my head.

sincere2myself where are you?

February 18, 2009
2:23 am
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wifemother
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lluvia...

Im not very good at this kind of thing, but I know you are hurting and I do know you deserve better you are in my thoughts and prayers.

February 18, 2009
2:40 am
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Sweetheart if your family is angry at you for this then its them that betrayed you. You have done absolutely nothing wrong here sweetheart I know its hard Ive been through it. I am not sure if they will make you go to court they did not make me it was an option for me and I declined what they did for me was they did a physical examination to see if there was any tearing or anything of the sort documented it all down then I talked with my Defence attorney who was a blessing for me. These people are here to help you sweetheart you will have to tell him everything that's been going on and sweetheart don't hold anything back I know I did and I regret it to this day. This next while is going to be difficult I know but I also know you can pull through this sweetheart they will put you in some counseling which will be great for you. I know life seems too much to handle right now sweetheart but the honest truth is the worst part is over he can no longer hurt you and now he cant hurt anyone else either. You are so strong and brave sweetheart my heart goes out to you. I understand the pain and the confusion and the fear that you are feeling sweetheart although mine was under different circumstances. What doesn't kill us sweetheart makes us stronger and I know you feel weak hunny but you are very strong and I know you can make it through this. (((((((Lluvia)))))))

February 18, 2009
2:52 pm
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Randomwomen2
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((((Lluvia))))

February 18, 2009
10:40 pm
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chelonia mydas
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Lluvia,

I currently live in Mexico, so I do understand a traditional Mexican family. I do know that this is very very very difficult for you. But remember that it is not YOU who betrayed the family but HIM!!!! HE was the one who violated you. HE was the one who broke your and your family's trust. HE was the one that acted against a member of his own family in a most horrible way. HE IS THE ONE THEY ARE UPSET WITH. ITS NOT YOUR FAULT. HE BETRAYED THE FAMILY. You are a victim of his betrayal. By speaking out, you are asking your family to be your everything and protect you from this abuse.

From what I have experienced, traditional Mexican families cherish their children and protect them from harm. You are still their child and they do not want any harm to fall to you. They may be in shock of what they hear, but anyone with reason knows that the abuser is the one in the wrong.

Feeling like it is your fault and blaming yourself for the current upheaval your family is facing is normal for abuse survivors. Please seek help in making sense of this situation. Its not your fault.

If the Fort Worth abuse folks are not seeming to understand the additional difficulties that exist in a culture where "family is your everything" try contacting a support network that is in a predominately hispanic area. McAllen is in right on the Mexican border, they have a resource called Mujeres Unidas. Here is their contact information 1-800-580-4879 or to e-mail them complete this online form http://www.mujeresunidas.org/C.....act-Us.php Please call them and talk to them especially about your concerns related to traditional Mexican culture. They may know of a hispanic domestic violence resource in your area.

Please continue to seek help. You deserve it.

Sending you hugs and support

February 19, 2009
4:07 pm
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truthBtold
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Lluvia,

Respecting elders is all fine and dandy.....WHEN and IF they deserve it.

I know.

Grew up catholic as well.

Family at the heart of everything.

Honor thy mother and father.

That was my credo.

OK. Well and good.....most times.

For most folks.....that actually applies and is probably for the most part, a really, really good thing.

But then there is reality.

There is the reality of a family harboring secrets at the expense of the children.

See then - under this particular circumstance - this loyalty stuff flies straight out the window in this instance.

But 'they' never give you the exceptions to the rule....do they now?

Just a blanket.....honor thy mother and father.

You are so strong Lluvia.

I know you probably feel like you life is all screwed up and you probably wished that you never uttered a word of your real truth.

But believe me, BELIEVE ME honey.....5-10-15-20 years down the line - you will be so happy to have had the guts to expose all of the crap NOW!!!!!!

See - the thing that happens when you don't - is that you blame yourself. And that in and of itself basically scews any chance at all you might have at an honest, peaceful life.

It's like a thorn in your soul.

Better now to remove that thorn now than to let in sit there and fester and accumulate a whole bunch of puss over the years.

Yeah - loyalty is one thing.

But unless it is reciprocated - just how good is it really?????

HAS TO WORK BOTH WAYS!!!!!!

Otherwise, it just pretty much boils down to a one-way avenue of control and manipulation.

You know?

Hang tough Honey.

Have you called the Tx Advocacy number?

February 19, 2009
4:26 pm
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Lluvia,

You are so strong already because you spoke it. You are NOT at fault and you DID NOT do any thing wrong.

You can do this. You are a beautiful young wome and you can do this.

I wish so bad that I could come and get you and bring you to my home and just hold you and let you cry. I too know the feelings of abuse (mental, emotional, physical and sexual). YOU CAN DO THIS HONEY.

Keep us informed. I am here for you. Z

February 19, 2009
5:10 pm
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scary
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Hi guys, I just joined in - I'm not really "scary", scared is more like it.

Lluvia, call someone, cry out to your God. I'm 52, lonely, scared, co-dependent, but life is worth living, and you will be stronger when you emerge.

February 19, 2009
11:00 pm
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Lluvia
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no i havent called.

so after i got the news about my cousin and his wanted arrest or whoever i dont know how to put it i mean hes going to be arrested but hasnt and stuff i didnt go to school. i became even more depressed. i didnt want to get out of bed, i didnt speak, or anything. i was just like a rock.

so my mom worked on my self-esteem that day. went to take me to buy new clothes that showed off my figure, unlike my boyish clothes, and to be honest i liked it it didnt show clevage but showed i had a figure.

then let me buy jewelry and bought this beautiful necklace. and then we all sat down at the food court and ate. my dad was there but then left to an a.a. meeting...

i must admit that day of ME and togetherness was different and my mom actually complimented not put me down so i felt loved there. im hesitant to fully open up though because i dont want to put myself in a vulnerable position.

my mom is fixing our relationship.

so far no one knows yet.

i live in fear now though. ive always had nightmares hed come back and rape me in the middle of the night. it just all feels so real and i hate it. so when my door is unlocked i feel nauscious sick paranoid and scared and i think thats why, cuz of my dreams.

at home im scared when he finds out he will come back and hurt me. especially at school. where id be away from my family and hed find me in class take me out and hurt me or something. i dont feel safe at all.

im scared to be anywhere. my house, school, outside, i only feel safe locked in my room. (i was never molested in that room now that i think about it and i didnt have a lock back then either i dont know why never in my room)
i freeze and theres this fear that overcomes me when i see a vehicle like his, the same color and type, and its horrible i just get frozen in fear and stop breathing, and i look in the window just to check if its him or not...

when i see his sister which i do every weekday at the least, i have this fear, does she know? and i i i just aah!

ive never been more afraid in my life. once everyone knows i know this fear will only grow

i know the worst is yet to come. so im just trying to gain strength before everything comes out. i havent heard anything yet from cps but i think they talked to my teachers cuz theyve been different. usually they ask me if somethings wrong but now they just give me this look like this poor child and they dont call on me much anymore.

i dont know whats going on exactly now.

worst of all since my classmates dont know whats going on they dont seem to understand why im even more distant and stuff. and i dont feel like telling them why.

thanks for being here for me =]

February 19, 2009
11:07 pm
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Lluvia
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im still awake. i dont want to go tosleep. my nightmares have been progressing and have become more violent. it just feels so real...

i just end up curled up at the corner of my bed (which is also the corner of my room) furthest from my windows and away from the door. facing them both.

i dont know why but i start to like talk/whisper/mumble talking fast sometimes repeating stuff/phrases and i start to like not twitch but become even more figity than i already am.

GOSH! im just so scared i hate this

February 20, 2009
4:15 pm
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Zebra
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Lluvia,

Honey it is going to be okay. You are a strong, beautiful, intelligent young women and you will be fine.

I am glad people are taking note now and yes you will have fear in side you for awhile, but this to will go away in time. After every thing is all said and done.

Don't worry...when you have fear...think of me and a life that is going to be good and full of love, not hate, and abuse.

I am hugging you now (((((LLuvia)))). Z

I hope you get into counseling, you will need it and you should do it.

I know it is hard to go to school, but you must get an education. Teenagers/Children are cruel to each other and you can walk away from the ones that are not nice to you.

If school becomes to much of an issue, then there are other ways to get an education. Home School, Continuatin School. This way you get away from the bullies and can concetrate on your education.

Hang in there, you are doing a wonderful job. Z

February 23, 2009
2:18 pm
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truthBtold
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Lluvia,

Honey, how are you doing?

February 23, 2009
6:08 pm
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Zebra
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Lluvia,

Concerned about you....let us know how you are and what is going on in your life.

WE love you. Z

February 23, 2009
7:03 pm
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Randomwomen2
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((((Lluvia)))))

February 23, 2009
9:34 pm
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Lluvia
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update:

(sigh) so to understand the rest of this you must know. i have 2 cousins who ive been close with since forever. we have been a triforce. 1 is like a sister and her family is one of the closest family i have. i love her she is like a sister, she has always stood up and been there for me. lets call her 1. the other 1 is the one ive fought with (verbal) and she picked on me and idk why but we hardly got along but for about a year weve gone without fighting....if youve read the other threads youd know its her family that did this to me...her included. lets call her...2. our birthdays are within a range of 2 months so we're close. i am the youngest of us 3. we do most stuff like homecoming and dances you know what i mean. we are in the same grade and lived near eachother all our lives. my mom has carpooled us all since middle school. we were a triforce...

that up there should help a bit.

so friday 2 (the one who's brother is getting arrested cuz of me) said for my mom not to pick her up. odd. no explination. so lunch i asked my other cousin 1 to ask her why (i didnt want to ask in fear that she had found out about her brother) 2 tells 1 to have her sister call her other sister to ask. so 1's sister called 2's sister.

2's sister told her about the situation and that I AM LYING, 1's sister stood up for me and said she believes me and she is on my side.

once 1 told me this i broke down crying (we were in lunch) the bell rang and i couldnt stop

i was rambling they're mad at me...they're gonna hate me...they hate me...she [2] is gonna hate me... and i couldnt stop so the bell rang and everyone came in the classroom and saw me so i went to the counsilers. everyone knows for sure there is something wrong since i had already missed school before and i was at the counsilers once before and now i went again.

the counsiler helped me out it amazed me how much she helped me.

so back to that up there. 1's mom knows and her fam (that so far knows) is on my side. his fam is on his. so the score outside my small fam but in my big is 1-1...

it hurt...i like expected them to take his side and not believe me...but when it happened and them saying they're mad at me and im lying hurt...it really hurt...they are my full blooded family

(sigh) more infor.
2-our dads are brothers, our moms are sisters

1-our dads are brothers, our moms are cousins

our fathers are brothers and 2 and my mother are sisters, 1 is their cousin

so things are really going to be different once things get out in the open.

my mom was furious when she found out his sisters and family found out and they told my other family. my mom didnt want this to get out.

you see i dont know what is going on most of the time. no one will tell me whats going on.

IM LIVING WITH MORE FEAR THAN BEFORE
i hate checking the mail, his sisters house is across the street. where i can see it. (he used to live there, not when he molested me just years after, he lived with me in our duplex when he did...)
when my phone rings i freeze. when i hear a knock on the door. when i hear a car pass by. i hate living like this. its worse than before. my nightmores have gotten worse and felt even more real. i hate sleeping.

i cant talk to my family. i dont know who knows and that scares me because i dont know who would wanna hurt me and stuff.

my family has some gang stuff. the reason why i go to the high school i go to and not my homeschool is because of gangs. my homeschool would have people who "know" me. for the name and blood i have i would be jumped and placed in gang. i dont know if you get me.

so i get scared that they got their little buddies out there.

i cant stand being anywhere outside my locked room. i dont feel safe anywhere else. i feel awful. beyond awful.

he wants to go to mexico. his wife is telling him to go. so this week i saw his siblings cars outside his sisters house (WHY AT HER HOUSE? SHE'S ACROSS THE STREET WHY COULDNT THEY GO TO ONE OF THEIR OTHER SIBLINGS HOUSE AND NOT TORTURE ME EVEN IF ITS UNINTENTIONAL I DONT WANT HIM NEAR ME ANYMORE) and i dont know what happened where he is or anything...

i hate myself
i hate this

February 23, 2009
9:45 pm
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Lluvia
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the counsiler is actually really helping i mean REALLY i cant describe how much she's helped but right now i dont want to talk about that. i dont wnat to jynx anything and stuff you know.

grrr...i feel better about myself but worse because of the situation and the people around me.

its complicated. i..im so lost scared and confused

February 24, 2009
11:19 am
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Zebra
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Lluvia,

Honey hang in there. Let them be mad and say what they want...YOU AND I know the truth and so does GOD and he will make it all better.

Yes sometimes things get worse before they get better and in this case it will, but rest assured it will get better and YOU will be the stronger, better person for it.

I am sorry you are so afraid and I know about gang stuff and you hang in there and don't give in.

Keep seeing the counselor...I am so happy she is helping you.

You can do this...focus on that and cry as much as you need to.

You were wronged, you didn't wrong anybody and you deserve peace and happiness in your life and to not live in fear and fear of others.

With lot of love and hugs, Z

February 24, 2009
11:23 pm
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chelonia mydas
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Hi Lluvia,

Do whatever you have to in order to feel safe. Tell your counselor your feelings and continue to ask for help. You have a good head on your shoulders, trust your gut.

You are an amazing, strong, intelligent and resiliant person. Continue to do your best and things will work out eventually.

Sending you hugs and comfort

February 25, 2009
5:31 pm
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Lluvia,

How are you today....please let me know.

I love you and sending lots of strong hugs your way ((((LLUVIA))).

Z

February 25, 2009
6:08 pm
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truthBtold
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Lluvia,

Honey - if you know nothing more right now -

KNOW THIS:

You have just GOT TO KNOW that what you are experiencing right now - in this utter chaos in you life right now - all around you - is NOT whom you were meant to be!!!!!

It is just a mere sliver.

This is NOT what life is supposed to be about.

You kind of have an inkling of that - right?

All along - I suppose?

You sort of have a sense from others that this is NOT what life is supposed to be about - right?

Fear and chaos 24/7?

Constantly.

Fear?

No.

Not at all.

Matter of fact, what a bunch of crap!

Not everyone LIVES this.

....Nor do they ever HAVE to.

No, it's not the 'Brady Bunch" at all - but neither it is a thing that you must think to yourself that you could never, ever trust nor feel safe around anyone else either!

You are sooo strong Lluvia.

No one here has to try and persuade you to validate your own truth.

For you already know that already.

It is a god-given talent that you already recognize this yourself.

Do you realize just how much you are 'ahead of the game' already.....at your young years - because of your own persistence and trusting your own gut to simply own and realize and most importantly VALIDATE your own perceptions reagrdless of anyone else's (authority figure's) slant?

Do you NOT realize just how MAJOR this is??????

It's major already.

Down right bottom nitty-gritty.

Know this honey.

Embrace it.

Consider that you have one helluva major player in your corner.

Someone to cover your back.

A safety net straight up and directly and perhaps right underneath you that you never have known could exist.

We are here for you Lluvia.

A safety net.

We've got your back already.

I kid you not.

Trust us.

You fall - we will catch you.

No Doubt.

Arms open wide.

We are here.

Safety net.

(((Lluvia)))))

February 26, 2009
8:14 pm
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sincere2myself
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Hey Honey I am here for you. I hope you had a chance to read my other posts in your name. I am rooting for you 100%. I can understand how scared you must be. I want to give you a big hug so badly. One day we will meet up and maybe take a survivors cruise.

Anyone else want to join us?

I am so proud of you even if you are not.

I am stong for you even if your not.

Im laughing for you when you're crying.

I'm standing outside for you while you are afraid to come out.

February 26, 2009
9:17 pm
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Lluvia
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im going to a psychiatrist next week (a family friend i think)

its not going to do me any good.

i already put one person in jail. well an arrest warrent i guess on his arrest idk whats going on. i cant get help if i dont say everything.

i cant say his sister touched me, my encounter with my other cousin, his brother, and my brother. i can only talk about him.

but my problem is about all of them. that i grew up that it was ok being like passed around like a whore.

i cant get help because i cant talk about everything. i dont want to do anything to the others...

so idk i think when i go im not gonna talk. as much as i want to i know i cant. for the good of the others....

February 26, 2009
9:57 pm
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chelonia mydas
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(((((Lluvia)))))

You are important!!! You are worth it!!!! Its NOT your fault!!!! You haven't sent anyone to jail- they sent themselves to jail by violating you in the first place.

I understand why you want to be silent. I understand why you blame yourself.

But you must understand that your feelings are all mixed up right now. Your feelings of guilt and worthlessness are part of the abuse you have endured.

I encourage you to tell the psychiatrist everything. Just tell the truth. You are precious and wonderful and deserve to heal from these horrible events in your life. You will be able to heal and get the protection that you deserve by telling the truth.

You have no control over what others have done to you. It was their choice and they will answer for their actions, if not now, it will happen later. Its better to let them make peace with their mistake now- rather than to continue to commit it and answer for many other violations later.

By lying to cover their abuse to you, you hurt yourself and you hurt them. They need help, and until they get it they will continue to abuse others until they get the help they need. By covering for them, you deny them the help they need to heal.

If they have done it to you, then they will likely to it to others. If you don't want to protect yourself, then protect the other little girls that will be hurt by them in the future.

Do you want someone else to endure the hell that you are in now? By staying silent and protecting them, you allow them to do this to others. You send the message that what they did to you is OK. ITS NOT OK!!!

You have the power to stop this from happening to someone else!!! You have the power to protect yourself!!! You have the power to heal from this!!! You have the power to tell the truth.

Sending you hugs and support.

February 26, 2009
10:11 pm
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chelonia mydas
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Lluvia,

I'm sorry if my previous post is so strong, but its because I kept silent for a long time. I protected my mother when she traded me to get drugs. I didn't want to get in trouble and I didn't want her to get in trouble. Because I was silent when the social workers came, nothing happened. Then my sisters started to reach puberty and her "friends" became interested in them too. They endured the same hell I did, except they haven't survived it as well. One of my sisters is now an exotic dancer and probably filming porn, but she won't tell me that. Her life continues to be hell because she is all mixed up from the abuse and fell into very dysfunctional patterns.

I now feel responsible for this, because I didn't speak up when I could have stopped it when it first happened to me. So as an adult looking back, I see that it wasn't a choice of my mom going to jail or not... but a choice between protecting the woman who violated me or protecting my innocent and precious sisters. I forever feel guilty because I made the wrong choice.

If they violated you, they will violate others. What about your younger cousins? sisters? nieces? Who would you rather protect? The people who hurt you, or these innocent others that have their whole life ahead of them?

Please, please, please just tell the truth. The guilt you feel for them paying for their actions is less than the guilt you would feel if they hurt others because you covered for them.

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