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lluvia-i think im calling cps...im beyond scared...PLEASE HELP
February 16, 2009
1:54 am
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Lluvia
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not hurting myself and facing my emotions and the pain is aaah! Like someone who quit drugs/alcohol to 'runway' but now are facing reality its overwheling. I know if i dont do anything i will end up killing myself...i need change...i need to leave and get help

February 16, 2009
2:15 am
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Randomwomen2
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When I was your age I was blessed with a friend whos family knew my situation and I ran away to there house and they took me in until I could get emancipated I know its not that easy for everyone But yes sweetheart do and try and find some help Where there is a will there is a way even if its difficult

February 16, 2009
10:37 am
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AQueen
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Randomwomen2-
I really noticed the excellent support you are giving Lluvia, especially since you've been there. I've read about your issue on another thread. You are a strong woman, a woman that's been through hell. Take your power back Random. You can do it. Look at what a great help you've been to Lluvia. I can't even imagine what it would've been like to go through what you and her have endured as kids.

I did grow up in a home with a alcoholic, emotional distant father, who was totally inept at being a father. He was gone working or drinking more often than not. He did provide for us but was very controlling with money. My mother is a recovering codependent. She finally divorced him when I was 16 but still allowed him to live with her for years. She finally said no more three years ago.

I left my son's father in 2007, March 22nd actually. I sought help from domestic violence agencies. I then realized that I was raised in a domestic violence environment. My father had hit me a few times when I mouthed off really bad and he was always verbally and emotionally abusive especially to my Mom. Of course the financial control, that's abuse. I ended up seeking out relationships that caused me pain because that's all I knew about how relationships were supposed to be. I had experienced fighting, arguing, silent treatment lasting for weeks, manipulation, total controlling behavior, all kinds of stuff. No wonder I ended up with men with serious issues. I was seeking out men like my father without even being aware of it. That was scary.

Change is hard for all of us. Whether you are a child in a abusive situation contemplating going to CPS to get out that situation or a women in a relationship that is not supportive, healthy, loving, etc. Change is possible. I embraced change because I knew it was inevitable. I threw myself into counseling, support groups, AA, treatment for my addictions, parenting classes, found new hobbies, and life is good. I'm so happy I left my ex when my boy was only 4 months old. Raising him in a messed up environment would have scarred him for life.

I went back to school. I'm a honor roll student despite being on strong chemo therapy for treatment of HCV right now. My son is now 2 and doing WONDERFUL. I'm still sober, since July 06. i have NO contact with my ex and minimal with my father, only when he's not drinking. That's my boundary. I'm in a healthy, loving, affectionate, compassionate, relationship with a man that is truly a man and treats me as an equal. He's a wonderful father to my son and to his two boys. He keeps his place clean. He's educated, successful, hardworking, determined, he's a winner. He's so caring and shows me how much he loves me all the time. He amazing. He's been through counseling after his wife decided she didn't want to be married anymore two years ago. So he's totally okay with seeking help. He's supportive of my recovery from addiction and he's always on my side cheering me on.

Life can be good. Sometimes we have to take action that seems hard to take in order to make it happen. Personally no child should be put in a situation like that but it happens all too often unfortunately. Lluvia, reach out, seek help. There are people you can trust. Random--counseling, support groups, setting boundaries, finding your passion, antidepressants, all of it works. I'm not ashamed to say I take antidepressants. It keeps me functional and that's all that matters to me.
We all deserve to live in a environment what is kind, nurturing, supportive, and loving. If we are adults in toxic relationships then we need to figure out why. If we are kids in abusive situations we need to seek some help because no kid deserves that. Good luck.

AQueen

February 16, 2009
7:31 pm
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thewall
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Lluvia,

Please go to school tomorrow and talk to the teacher. She can hopefully get the counselor or principal to help with your situation. I am a school counselor and your school should be helping you.

February 16, 2009
9:48 pm
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chelonia mydas
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Hi Lluvia,

Fort Worth is a good area to be in. There should be a few resources out there for you.

Here are a few I found

Child Abuse Prevention Center
http://www.excap.org/
1800-252-5400
2902 Swiss Avenue, Dallas, TX 75204
P-214.370.9810 F-214.824.6901

Tarrant County Youth Collaborative
http://www.tcyc4kids.org
Tacia Torres, Executive Director,
[email protected]

Alice Allison, Operations Manager,

[email protected]

Heather Mancera, Programs Director
[email protected]

TCYC mailing address:

Tarrant County Youth Collaboration

6707 Brentwood Stair Road, Suite 620

Fort Worth, Texas 76112

When you seek help, just speak the truth. If you mom is making an effort, maybe they can work with that. I understand how difficult it is to wonder if you will be believed. My grandfather was horribly abusive and yet because he was a big shot doctor everyone thought he was just such a great guy. Yeah right. I could see where being smart, performing life saving surgery for a very high salary and then giving a very small percentage of that money to charity is nice but is doesn't mean that all the hatred and abuse he slapped on his family is erased by his intelligence, Harvard education, life saving occupation or charitable donations. I continued to tell the truth and continued to try to seek help. It eventually worked.

Your feelings are valid and you deserve to be happy. Maybe this will help you get counseling to deal with what your mother is doing and find peace in your life. Maybe they will have the whole family go to counseling.

You need to seek help. Only you have the power and ability to seek the help you need. If your counselor isn't helping, there are other resources out there for you, but you have to take the first step.

February 16, 2009
10:19 pm
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Lluvia
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so i was with the counsiler for 2 hours (bell rang for dismissal and i left)

i missed 8th and part of 7th period.

well cps wouldnt give her any information for some reason and the report was made january 13th...still long after i spoke. and i didnt even know that they had contacted cps before they just never contacted me and still havent i guess cuz im not an urgent case.

i have a case number now (cuz i had to report it myself)

i dont know what will happen. i am starting to regret doing this. in search of my happiness im going to destroy my family and i feel so selfish...

i feel worse...

grrr i wish id just run away and get killed and left dead in a ditch that sounds great right now...

February 16, 2009
10:24 pm
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Randomwomen2
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Sweetheart it always gets worse before it gets better this next little while is going to seem like hell im not going to lie but after its all said and done it will be easier Dont give up sweetheart ((((Lluvia))))

February 16, 2009
10:24 pm
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Randomwomen2
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I am so so sorry for your pain sweetheart I wish that I could take it for you.

February 16, 2009
10:36 pm
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Lluvia
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thanks. yes thats true. i just dont think im strong enough to hold on before any good comes of it...

February 16, 2009
10:38 pm
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Randomwomen2
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yes you are sweetheart if your strong enough to live through the hell you did your strong enough to get out of it.

February 16, 2009
10:42 pm
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Lluvia
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i think part of it was valentines day.

being surrounded by peppy happy blissful teens made me feel even more of an outcast. when in reality to feel loved i need a physical not just emotional connection and i hate that about myself and since i dont give in i cant have a connection.

i just cant stand being around my classmates anymore

i dont like talking much because im not a cheerful person so most people i guess feel im a downer and i dont want to ruin peoples moods

...hate high school

February 16, 2009
10:44 pm
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Randomwomen2
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I hated highschool as well sweetheart I was also a downer and still am at times But the point is that I have faith that you can get through this sweetheart I just know you can

February 16, 2009
10:46 pm
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Lluvia
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yeah but i cant stop crying. for some reason once im triggered tears begin to leak and im a mess. for some reason im not able to keep myself together anymore and now im just a crying mess. people notice now im even more sad looking and cry during class frequently. i cant stop crying.

February 16, 2009
10:49 pm
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Randomwomen2
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its all the pent up emotions that you were not alowed to feel or to show sweetheart somthing that Im trying to lern for my self is that its ok to cry its not a big no no.

February 16, 2009
10:54 pm
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Lluvia
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i was raised in a dominant male family. i was raised to be a man not to cry, whine, and to be strong. but im not a boy no matter how much i am like a boy. im happy i grew up as one of the boys rather than a girl. im not whiny, label, looks, rep obsessed or anything. which is why most guys like me. im a video loving laid back girl but one of the guys (with the physical body of a girl) so im "perfect"

i just think my mom is not educated about raising a girl. that im not a drama queen im just a bit more sensitive since i do have a woman's hormones even if im boyish.

February 16, 2009
10:56 pm
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Randomwomen2
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Im glad that you can cry sweetheart let them fall it will do you some good

February 16, 2009
11:03 pm
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Lluvia
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yeah its just at school people begin to ask whats wrong and stuff and it gets me irritated that it took tears for me not to be ignored. like having someone vomit blood to be seen and acknowledged to be sick. when peoples ignorace held them back from seeing so much more thats there before things get bad

i realized along high school i showed signs...but no one noticed. before i had a fake smile and seemed fine and even when i quit smiling they didnt pay attention. now that im breaking down crying they see....

here again i cry im always crying i feel a wreck.

February 16, 2009
11:06 pm
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Randomwomen2
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(((Lluvia))) I know it sweetheart I really do. I was ignored all though highschool

February 16, 2009
11:08 pm
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Lluvia
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i think people ("happy" people) or those fine with their lives and stuff dont want to see the bad because it makes them feel kinda down. i dont know how to explain it. i just think people dont want to accept whats there so they ignore being involved to keep going as they already are.

February 16, 2009
11:10 pm
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Randomwomen2
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and some people are so self absorbed that they ignore everything around them

February 16, 2009
11:11 pm
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Lluvia
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EXACTLY!

i wish i could stay and chat but i have to go my brother wants to get on. myspace is my cover up they have no idea im on here.

goodnight

February 16, 2009
11:12 pm
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Randomwomen2
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Ok sweetheart good night and hang in there

February 17, 2009
2:16 am
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Randomwomen2
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and please keep us updated we really care about you sweetheart

February 17, 2009
4:04 pm
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truthBtold
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Lluvia,

You have so been on my mind recently.

You are so intelligent that I have no doubt that you will EVENTUALLY emerge from this with the complete validation and safety that you so deserve.

For one thing, let's talk about loyalty.

Family loyalty.

You see, most families with a secret like this would just love nothing more than to keep all of this....under the rug.

The status-quo.

Don't rock the boat.

Keep it a secret.

Minimiilze it.

Blame it on the victim.

See it for anything....ANYTHING that for that that it actually is.

That is their agenda.

"They' have a motive to try and keep this all under the surface - for to expose it would prove THEM in the wrong - and that is not something which should be tolerated.

Hell, afterall, this shit is against the law!!!!!!!!!!!!

To have no one 'rock the boat."

That way - 'they' are never responsible.

This IS the way that 'they' operate.

Brain-washing I would say.

To twist it around so that YOU feel that you are the one to blame.

That it is and always was your fault to begin with.

This IS the side that 'they' take.

Hell, add being a catholic to all of this (such as myself) and it just compounds the situation 10 fold.

The unnecessary guilt.

But that is OK so long as you recogonize the dynamics.

Secrets.

Lets talk about secrets.

See, no one wants them exposed.

Know why?

Because it puts the adults in charge at risk.

At risk for criminal charges.

And that is afterall, Lluvia, what we are talking about.

Criminal charges.

You don't want to rock the boat.

You do not want it to be known what your older brother did to you - because after all, he is trying to get his life together yada, yada, yada.

See - believe me.....BELIEVE ME.....this type of screwed up loyalty will NEVER SERVE you!!!!!

Not now.

Not ever,

Not in a hundred years.

You may think and feel that exposing what he did will just mess up the whole family system etc...etc....and what he has worked to do hard to accomplidh in his life with the new family and child etc.....but you see Lluvia.....It can never be - nor should it be AT YOUR EXPENSE!!!!!

It just simply can not be at your expense.

You did not ASK for this, therefore, you are not responsible.

More than likely, your brother (probably along with others in your family) have a real problem.

Yet. no one wants to say that the emporer has no clothes......you know?

You Have to speak up.

Even....even if it means being ousted by your family to do so.

let me ask you this - are you not already ousted anyway?

This is not the end of the world.

Believe me, I know, it only takes one real brave soul in a family to really set the record straight and tell the truth.

For you are brave enough to pave the way for not only the next generation to follow - but many, many other generations beyond that.

You will not 'break up the family' as you think that you may be doing.

Conversly, you are exposing the secrets and will may mitigate all of those young souls within your family a lifetime of toil and troubel and confusion.

Someone has to rock the boat.

It just may as well be you.

But do not attmept this, like I said, until you have a whole host of folks in your corner.

Again, I refer back to the Texas Advocacy Group.

Loyalty towards a family just goes so far.

After that, you must realize that loyalty to yourself and all the other generations which follow is much more important thant to keep a secret.

Secrets do not go away.

They just mainifest themselves in other shapes and forms which, in the end, give the abuser an out and to which we sadly, incorporate their mis-givingings as some sort of warped sense about ourselves - but to which is not grounded in reality.

THEY ARE TO BLAME!!!!!

Clearly.

The more that you can exude that very real reality.....the better off you will be.

Loyalty to the 'family' must, MUST be shot straight out the window if you are ever able to obtain some simblance of sanity!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's got to be done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rocking and questioning the familiy boat is NOT the end of the world!!!!!!!!!!!!

It just isn't!!!!!!!!!!

February 17, 2009
9:23 pm
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Lluvia
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she told...

i never intended to say my cousins name but they got to my mom and i guess led her to believe i had said my story when i didnt. all i said was i wanted mental help for dealing with sexual abuse as a child.

so now he's going to be arrested. my familys going to know and im not looking forward to it.

i sense bad coming my way. i foresee or whatever blame and stuff put against me saying that i made it up im beig a drama queen and all this kind of stuff so im not looking forward to this

my fear came true.. i never wanted his name to be exposed but it has.

hes going to jail. hes my full blooded cousin (moms are sisters, dads are brothers)

i hope i dont have to go to court though but i might have to and i am not strong enough for that

...my mom had to tell my dad. my dad was furious and wanted to kick out my cousin (they work together my dads in charge so he has more power, foreman in construction)

im not ok.
theres a language barrior with my mom and i dont know how to say alot of stuff to her beause my spanish is not so fluent in the matter of big words. shes acting nice. tucking me in like a 5 year old hugging me talking to me loving as if i were a kid.

im not saying my mom is not being sincere but it just feels weird...different...i dont want to open up much because i dont want to let my guard down and feel vulnerable.

im in no mood to deal with my classmates tomorrow after this and i dont want to go to school and i dont know if im being silly but i just dont want to be surrounded

i feel worse...i just want to be dead in a ditch somewhere...i didnt want this to happen...if i have to go to court i know im not going to make it

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