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LL's File of Favorites
November 7, 2006
10:07 pm
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lovinglife
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I'm starting a thread here with postings I have came across that I really liked and sometimes want to share with others BUT I often have to dig up, search for, try to remember where I seen it around here...and it just gets frustrating & time consuming. This way I will just have to remember my name : )

{Matteo if you read this I'm looking for S.W.I.R.L and another posting about abandonment- so if you see this could you please led me to the right place - OR if you have it handy could you please post it in here?}

Alrighty- off on my search I go...I found the first one that took me 10 minutes to find- couldn't remember the thread title-but low and behold I found it! My exact point with this thread...

November 7, 2006
10:11 pm
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Thread Title: The Right to Say "No."

Worried_Dad
13-Sep-06

On The Right to Say ”No”
Every person is a unique human being. We cannot truly be ourselves, or even be fully human, unless we are free. We need to know that we are free, and we need to be allowed to be free. Each one of us has the right to comb our hair the way we like, dress as we please, attend the church of our choice, pursue the career that most suits us, and to associate with people who we enjoy. And every one of us, even you, has the right to say “no.” A person who does not respect your right to say “no” is not only being disrespectful, they are being downright abusive.

That is especially true with regard to sex. Sexuality is a very sensitive and personal aspect of our lives. There are as many ways of expressing human sexuality and given that we are honorable and keep agreements with intimate partners we each have the right to choose what is right for us.

You have the right to remain chaste until marriage, or to choose to explore premarital sex. You have the right to remain faithful to one partner, or to have several partners. You have the right to develop sexual relationships with men, or with women, or with men and women.

And when it comes to sex, especially, you have the right to say “no.” When a person refuses to respect your right to say “no” regarding sexual matters, that is an attack on a very vulnerable part of your psyche, and constitutes sexual abuse.

Even the “mildest” form of sexual abuse known as sexual harassment is always distressing, and often devastating to its victims. Unfortunately, a person who refuses to respect your right to say “no” regarding sex will also be prone to escalate to stalking, threats, or assaults. People like that are not only much more likely to make a habit of assaulting their intimate partners, and also of mistreating children and other defenseless people.

And there are other, more insidious, but just as destructive methods available to a person who wishes to get around your “no.”

Of course there are exceptions to this rule-of-thumb. We have the right to say “no” to unreasonable demands made by people with unreasonable expectations. But some expectations are reasonable. We have the right to expect that our spouses and lovers will love us, for example. Or, a bill collector might make repeated attempts to collect a balance due and quite rightly ignore your “no.” Or consider the case of a police swat team demanding that a terrorist put down his weapons and release a hostage—certainly we wouldn’t want them to take “no” for an answer. And of course, when a professional is being asked, or directed to do his duty “no” is the wrong answer.

Be wary of those who refuse to respect your right to say “no,” for they are likely to be disrespectful in many ways, and may also turn out to be just plain dangerous. Teach these things to your children. From respect grows affection and then love. Without respect, no meaningful human interactions are possible.

November 7, 2006
10:13 pm
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Thread Title: ********LL********

SingleBeachDad
5-Nov-06

MAYBE…God wanted us to meet the wrong people before meeting the right one so that, when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift.

MAYBE...when the door of happiness closes, another opens; but, often times, we look so long at the closed door that we don't even see the new one which has been opened for us.

MAYBE...it is true that we don't know what we have got until we lose it, but it is also true that we don't know what we have been missing until it arrives.

MAYBE…the happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

MAYBE...you should dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go, be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you dream of and want to do.

MAYBE...there are moments in life when you miss someone -- a parent, a spouse, a friend, a child -- so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real.

MAYBE...the best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.

MAYBE...you should always try to put yourself in others' shoes. If you feel that something could hurt you, it probably will hurt the other person, too.

MAYBE...you should do something nice for someone every single day, even if it is simply to leave them alone.

MAYBE...giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they will love you back. Don't expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart; but, if it doesn't, be content that it grew in yours.

MAYBE...you shouldn't go for looks; they can deceive; don't go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile, because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile.

MAYBE...you could send this message to those people who mean something to you, to those who have touched your life either positively or not, to those who can and do make you smile when you really need it, to those who make you see the brighter side of things when you are really down, and to all those whom you want to know that you appreciate them and their friendship.

November 7, 2006
11:38 pm
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Thread Title: kousin kroika's kitchen

kroika
6-Nov-06

re-posting here for easy reference:

...a story from my life that may relate. About 15 years ago I went on an Outward Bound course... 3 weeks of hiking up and down snow-covered mountains with a 50+ pound pack on my back, with a group of 7 other people (plus 2 instructors).

At one point, one member of the group started lagging, and the rest of the group kept getting further ahead. Finally the instructors stopped us and read us the riot act -- the gist of which is that no group can go faster than the slowest member. If you accept that you are a group, then whatever needs to be dealt with, has to get dealt with. And when you're out in the middle of the snowy mountains, leaving the group is not an option.

It gave me a really visceral understanding of a few important truths. [to be expanded upon later...]

November 8, 2006
2:55 am
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Thread Title: NO CONTACT CLUB NEW PHASE - (continued)

StronginHim77
27-Jul-06

I wrote this on another thread and thought it might be helpful to some of us on the No Contact Thread:

My heart goes out to you. We have ALL been in your shoes. The pain is terrible and resisting the urge to have contact with the "ex" is overwhelming, at times. Deep in our hearts, we nourish this faint hope that somehow he will change, he will see the error of his ways, he will feel deep remorse for having hurt us, abandoned us....

So, let's talk about that "Hope." There are two kinds of hope: faith (or trust-based) hope and FALSE hope. Faith/trust-based hope comes from having our faith or trust in that individual JUSTIFIED by past performance. I have great hope that my older son will continue to do well in his current job BECAUSE he has consistently demonstrated a good attitude, reliable attendance & excellent performance. Therefore, my HOPE that he will continue to succeed within his field is reasonable and justified by a track record that has established my trust in his character, etc.

Now, let's look at FALSE hope. This is the kind which codependents desperately hang onto, despite all evidence that the object of their love does NOT deserve that love, WILL fail them (because he has failed them in the past) and "leopards simply do NOT change their spots." Don't get me wrong. Most of us on these threads have deeply loved men who failed us, abused us, betrayed us...and we kept on nursing that FALSE HOPE that somehow, someway, the guy who was tearing our hearts out would miraculously change. We pleaded. We dragged them to counselors, therapists and psychiatrists. We enlisted the support of their families, coworkers and friends (who could see how GOOD we were for them). We forgave the abuse. We forgave the betrayals. We forgave the mistreatment, the devaluation and even the final "discard" (when they would dump us for whatever reason...frequently, for no reason at all). And we still kept nursing that FALSE hope that he might change, if we just waited and prayed and maintained contact.

Here is the Truth. False Hope KILLS. It NEVER pays off. It is just what it is: FALSE. The longer we nurse it, the longer we suffer. By initiating No Contact, we begin the recovery process sooner and shorten the length of our agony. Because it is certainly AGONIZING to be abandoned, left behind, dumped by someone we care about so deeply.

We all understand how much you are suffering right now. But I would encourage you to resist each and every attempt he makes to contact you on any personal level. ANY attempt must be met with silence. Block your home phone number. Do not take his personal calls. Do not respond with any "let's be nice and leave the door open" chat to his business IM's. Be cool. Be succinct with your words. NO PERSONAL ANYTHING. Because this is the only language this guy will understand. Silence is your strongest weapon right now.

And then ask yourself, "Do I really want a man who was willing to discard me?" If he did it once, he will do it again. This man has some serious character issues. Certainly, he has commitment issues. I bet if you talked to his ex-wife, who must now struggle to raise his child on her own, you would get an eye-opening earful about his commitment issues.

Each of us recovering codependents walks into unhealthy relationships, convinced that OUR LOVE will change these guys...make a difference. That their lifelong patterns of screwing over women will stop. Because of us.

That is the illusion of codependency. When our very happiness and peace depends upon having "that man" in our lives.

- Strong

November 8, 2006
3:18 am
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Thread Title: GG, this one is for you

ScaredinMichigan
30-Oct-06

I posted this on our thread too, but I wanted to make sure that you saw it...
GG, this one is for you babe.

For so long you kept it inside, The pain and the tears, that you felt you had to hide. I made you feel like it was ok, I waited for you, with whatever you wanted to say. You told us about when you were young, Pain you held in, hurt that stung. I hope you know that it was alright, Hope you understand you are not alone in this fight. I will be here, I will go the extra mile, Just to hear you laugh, or to know you’ve simply smiled. I wanted to help you carry the pain, Hope you can see what there is to gain. I love you with ALL of my heart. To see you hurt tears me apart. Wanted desperately on Friday night, To cover you with the afghan and hold you tight. I can not possible explain in words, how much I care, Want there to NEVER be anything you can’t share. I love you so much, and I will till the end, Foremost you have become my sister, and even more you are my FRIEND.

I LOVE YOU GG, WITH ALL OF MY HEART.

October 30, 2006

Mandy (ScaredinMichigan)

November 8, 2006
11:53 am
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Thread Title: NO CONTACT CLUB Resurrected-new thread

garfield9547
14-Jul-06

From the Cut and Paste Queen
I think Alicat baptised me looong ago. LOL

Let it Go Author: T.D. Jakes

There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you LET THEM WALK.

I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone!

When people walk away from you, let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. LET THEM GO.

And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person, it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead
You've got to know when it's over.

Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift. I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay. LET THEM GO

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for you in your life, then you need to LET IT GO.

If someone can't treat you right, love you back and see your worth LET IT GO

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains LET IT GO

If someone has angered you. If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge. If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction. If you have a bad attitude. LET IT GO

If you keep judging others to make you feel better you are stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him. If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship. If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves. LET IT GO

If you're feeling depressed and stressed LET IT GO

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to LET IT GO

Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new thing for you!!! LET IT GO!!!

Get Right or Get Left.....think about it, and then
Let it Go

Sam's Site

November 8, 2006
12:09 pm
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Thread Title: NO CONTACT CLUB Resurrected-new thread

garfield9547
12-Jul-06

Hello to everybody
Back from my mini holiday. Lots of washing to do and VERY tired. Will catch up later,

Something for everybody.

Enough

The Awakening

by Virginia Swift

A time comes in your life when you finally get it. When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH!

Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening.

You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter). and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you, and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect, and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are and its OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself, and in the process a sense of newly found confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop bitching and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that not everyone will always be there for you, and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers, and you begin to accept people as they are, and to over look their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.

You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the crap you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, how much you shouldn't weigh, what you should wear, where you should shop, what you should drive, how and where you should live, what you should do for a living, who you should sleep with, who you should marry, what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children, or what you owe your parents.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing, and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with, and in the process you learn to go with your instincts. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility, and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry, and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving, and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable, or important because of the man or woman on your arm or the child that bears your name.

You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations, and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love. and you learn that you don't have the right to demand love on your terms. Just to make you happy. And, you learn that 'alone' does not mean lonely.And you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up." You also stop working so hard at putting feelings aside, smoothing things over, and ignoring your needs.

You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK. . . and that it is your right to want things that you want. and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands. You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity, and respect, and you will not settle for less. And you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you, to glorify you with his or her touch. and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect.

And you learn that your body really is your temple. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water, and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear, so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul, so you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that, for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve. and that much of life is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for, and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success, you need direction, discipline, and perseverance.

You also learn that no one can do it all alone and its OK to risk asking for help. You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time: FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears, because you know that whatever happens you can handle it, and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms.

You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve, and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening. And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state - the ego.

You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy, and resentment must be understood and redirected, or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.

You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself. by yourself, and you try to make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart's desire. And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

http://aboutyourbreakup.com/aw.....ening.html Love to all

Garfield

November 8, 2006
12:42 pm
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Thread Title: NO CONTACT CLUB Resurrected-new thread

garfield9547
3-Jul-06

...

Let me tell you something about Ns Something you never see in books..........

They need like no one else needs. They need so far beyond what is humanly possible, you can't even get a sane mind around it.

They hunt as close to Nirvana as they can find. If you are here, if you were hurt by an N... It is proof in itself of how capable and amazing you are. It's not about being blind, stupid, weak, messed up, crazy, a victim, broken or any such nonsense!! It's because you can give, love, and forgive in a capacity rarely found. Because you are especially attractive, especially good in bed, especially bright, especially funny, especially successful, especially patient. It means you have more of all the good qualities there are.

Look back. Ns don't hunt the average women in looks, qualities, or anything else. They zero in on the best because they believe they are God and they deserve her. We have to work, run homes, raise kids, manage money, make all the decisions, undo everything they screw up, figure them out, chase after their needs that don't end, hide it from everyone, cope with abuse and violation in every sense of those words, and live on eggshells.

We do all that without anything from them, emotionally starved, on no sleep, with families alienated and friends driven away, our stomachs in knots, our hearts in our hands and our hands tied behind our backs while they monopolize all our time and energy. Each and every one of us did it too. No doubt, some weight was gained, nerves were frazzled, hearts broken, souls drained, possessions lost, and lots of mistakes were made.

But ask yourself this... when you were at the end of your rope, your least capable, your most afraid....You still held up 90% of it didn't you? What kind of woman stands in the face of all that, still loves, and goes on so full of heart and emotion in the end? The best kind. If you were so bad, you'd be N free. Deep down I believe it's equal and relative. You are as amazing as your N is heinous.

I assure you all this is true. They make poisoning self esteem an art form. Their survival depends on the level they can succeed in devaluing us.

I'm telling you....you are awesome. If you had an ounce of crazy in you, or selfish, or ugly, or worthless, dumb, or weak, you'd be blissfully happy, off someplace far from the N board, with some guy that lived to save you and take care of you lol. You are here and that means you are rare and capable of the best things.

My theory was threatened because I've seen N's (mine included) take up with bottom of the barrel women. Ouch!! What is worse than that? Not much. But note: that is if and only if emergency supply is needed. Noooo N effort required, no time for charming etc. And if and only if they know you'll see it. It's a devaluing tool, not unlike the rest.

See an N work a new supply for keeps, she'll be someone you wish you could warn. Someone good, someone you'd likely would have been friends with in a different reality. N's leave women for one reason only, period. End of supply. They make it about you, age, looks, emotion, and / or anything they can lol. It's crap! It's because you have needs, you are smart enough to create boundaries, because you have the nerve to want to matter, be heard, exist? how dare we?

Have you not talked to infinity and argued everything under the sun 3000 different ways? They hear one thing... less supply! Less supply?? What the Hell do you mean less supply? And they freak out. You'll never be able to give actual N supply required. No one can. There is absolutely nothing else wrong with any of us.

Christmas is a beautiful time. We all have people that care about us. Maybe we let our N's damage our relationships but that can be fixed. There are children to think of, old friends to find, strangers to meet, sisters here to be with, and there is us. Don't spend the holidays alone or sad. Close your eyes and throw a stick. Chances are you'll hit another person that needs some company. Get dressed up, do the make up, go out, invite people in, just don't worry about "him."

My N trashed every holiday, every year, no matter if we were "fine' or in break up Hell anyway. What are we so sad for? (Correction, every holiday except his birthday lol. Unsuspecting...Relax and study on Christmas if you can't face festivities. Pass the bar, use it to keep your N away from you with everything the law allows. Do it for you. Do it for us lol. Look how many women here can't get the legal help or information they need. Look how many can't find a lawyer to grasp the concept of an N. It's funny. When you're in school and you put your all into a test or project, you fret until it's graded. No one ever hands it in simply believing it's worth an A+ and walks away. We all wait until someone else deems it an A+. We all go along with it if it's a C-. It's built in all through our lives and relationships. Our actual qualities and successes and our opinion of their value, hangs in wait until someone else grades them.

We all N dip and hope and torture ourselves over this silly human nature trait. You don't really feel bad about yourself. You know you're great and not any of the crap they say you are. You just cannot stand that they refuse to see it or admit it to you. It's very frightening to think what if no one ever does? We're not so addicted to N's. We're addicted to A's. All people depend on some amount of seeing themselves through the eyes of others. N's shove that fun house mirror in your face and it just stuns you. You feel so bad because they rip away every other mirror in the world. If you look in the bathroom mirror, you just see how tired and hurt you are. Connect with sane people everywhere you can. Look in those mirrors. You will pretty quickly say "There I am" "Whheeeww" No one can see it alone in tears with only the N popping in to tell you what is. I'll shut up soon lol. I'd just like to say that even if we are not perfect...So What? Who the Hell is? I know all kinds of unattractive, mean spirited, people that are not too bright but have partners loving them to the moon. Hostages and POW's live better than a lot of us do. We all just experienced insane you can't measure. You a little rough around the edges?? So What? It's amazing to me that we aren't all catatonic in a home someplace. So much less snapped them into N's. You know?? All things considered, it's good to be us girls

I've really had it with thinking "What's wrong with me?" "Why can't I stop crying" "I should be doing so much" "I must be a wreck because I can't get a grip" "Why do I love him" I ask you all...How in the world could anyone live this and react any better? Cher dates an N's and gets dumped. Haley Berry, sex addict husband that's an N. Elizabeth Hurley, Hillary Clinton , nuff said (lol, Poor Hillary) .......Help me make this list. If we were in worse shape, the same, or ten times the women we are... we'd still be objects to N's and still be devastated in the carnage they leave behind. It's wrong to take it personally. So very hard not to, but so important. Love your kids, love yourselves, then think very carefully about who else is truly deserving of your love. Make sure your N is not on the short list. No good can come of it. I've lived through so much.

I've lived a long time. I cannot ever remember running into people as warm, wise, selfless, kind, caring, honest, and strong as I see here everyday. Lord knows I wish I'd never set eyes on my N. However, I'm proud to be one of you. Each and every one of you is welcome at my house for Christmas, New Year's, and all the days in between. I have no idea how close or far you may be. If you're up for a road trip, my door is open) I'm a complete post N mess but the food is great and the bar is full lol. Seriously, we have 3 days. How hard would it be to make little groups close to home and make it a little better for each other. Can anyone analyze my mood? haha.

My world is a mess. I should be weeping and spent. Instead, I'm so sick of it all, I feel like exploding. I want to make all Ns burst into flames and make all of us happy and take on the world or something. I've got few emotions today, all closely related to angry indignation. Is this a phase too?? I really thank you all. It's one thing to look at your own personal Hell. It really does something to me to look out at the big picture... to see so many lives ravaged by Ns, Ps, BPD's. I never knew these people existed or how epidemic this kind of hurt was. It makes me want to react and in that, I see small things that I can do. Do in general, do for others. I think I forgot that I can do anything. Sure feels like being dragged through a nightmare with no control sometimes. The small things lead to bigger things and I do remember that I can do them all.

How do I thank you all for that?

(With gratitude to our member: Madmanspuppet for this message) December 2003

November 9, 2006
6:52 am
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snowlover
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Lovinglife,

This is a GREAT thread idea. I had forgotten some of these posts. How wonderful to be able to read all these powerful, profound words all in one place.

I hope you'll continue posting here, or that others will post some that they find (if thats okay)

Thanks LL, I really needed to read all of this today. Youve touched my heart.

Snow

November 12, 2006
12:29 pm
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Matteo
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http://www.abandonment.net

S.W.I.R.L. is an acronym which stands for the five stages of abandonment: Shattering, Withdrawal, Internalizing, Rage, and Lifting - introduced in JOURNEY FROM ABANDONMENT.

1: SHATTERING - Your relationship is breaking apart. Your hopes and dreams are Shattered. You are devastated, bewildered. You Succumb to despair and panic. You feel hopeless and have Suicidal feelings. You feel Symbiotically attached to your lost love, mortally wounded, as if you'll die without them. You are in Severe pain, Shock, Sorrow. You've been Severed from your primary attachment. You're cut off from your emotional life-line.

2: WITHDRAWL - painful Withdrawal from your lost love. The more time goes on, the more all of the needs your partner was meeting begin to impinge into your every Waking moment. You are in Writhing pain from being torn apart. You yearn, ache, and Wait for them to return. Love-withdrawal is just like Heroin withdrawal - - each involves the body's opiate system and the same physical symptoms of intense craving. During Withdrawal, you are feeling the Wrenching pain of love-loss and separation - - the Wasting, Weight loss, Wakefulness, Wishful thinking, and Waiting for them to return. You crave a love-fix to put you out of the WITHDRAWAL symptoms.

3: INTERNALIZING - you Internalize the rejection and cause Injury to your self esteem. This is the most critical stage of the cycle when your wound becomes susceptible to Infection and can create permanent scarring. You are Isolated, riddled with Insecurity, self- Indictment and self-doubt. You are preoccupied with 'If only regrets' - - If only you had been more attentive, more sensitive, less demanding, etc. You beat yourself up with regrets over the relationship and Idealize your abandoner at the expense of your own self Image.

4: RAGE - the turning point in the grief process when you begin to fight back. You attempt to Reverse the Rejection by Refusing to accept all of the blame for the failed relationship, and feel surges of Rage against your abandoner. You Rail against the pain and isolation you've been in. Agitated depression and spurts of anger displaced on your friends and family are common during this turbulent time, as are Revenge and Retaliation fantasies toward your abandoner.

5: LIFTING - your anger helped to externalize your pain. Gradually, as your energy spurts outward, it Lifts you back into Life. You begin to Let go. Life distracts you and gradually Lifts you out the grief cycle. You feel the emergence of strength, wiser for the painful Lessons you've Learned. And if you're engaged in the process of recovery, you get ready to Love again.

A word of caution: When you Lift, it is important to take your feelings with you. Otherwise you Lose connection with yourself once again, creating an internal barrier to others.

You S.W.I.R.L. through the stages over and over within an hour, a day, a month, sometimes a period of years - - cycles within cycles - - until you emerge out the end of the funnel-shaped cloud, a changed person, better able to find love than before.

November 12, 2006
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WHY DO WE CARRY A TORCH FOR SO LONG WHEN SOMEONE HAS BROKEN UP WITH US?
NEW SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH EXPLAINS WHY HEARTBREAK HURTS SO MUCH. Someone who leaves you becomes very powerful to your emotional brain. They become powerful simply by being able to inflict so much pain. Being left is perceived by your mammalian brain as an attack upon your personal being. It etches an indelible impression in a primitive part of the brain that acts automatically to protect you. It conditions your mammalian brain to react with fear each time you encounter the person whom it perceives as dangerous to your well being. Acting beneath your conscious awareness, it maintains a constant vigil on your abandoner.

You experience this as being temporarily obsessed with the person. Your nerves are set to 'go off' if you should unexpectedly bump into them later on or see them with a new love. This enduring emotional reactivity is known as 'carrying a torch.' You are confused into thinking that if the pain can last that long and feel so strong, the person must have been very special. But this is not so. You can feel this way over anyone, even someone who had nothing special to offer. It is just your mammalian brain efficiently trying to warn you not to make the same mistake again.

UNRESOLVED ABANDONMENT

Unresolved abandonment - - the source of our insecurities, addictions, compulsions, and distress.

Unresolved abandonment - - the insidious virus invading body mind and soul - - the culprit for the anxiety we are forever trying to self-medicate with food, alcohol, shopping, people and a host of other self defeating behaviors.

Unresolved abandonment - - the roadblock to reaching our potential - - the invisible wound that drains self esteem from within - - the hidden trap that keeps us stuck in patterns of self-sabotage.

Unresolved abandonment - - the chronic insecurity that becomes the scourge of human relationship.

Unresolved abandonment - - the internal barrier to fully connecting to others. Fear short-circuits our attempts to find love - - we struggle to find and keep relationships. We become abandoholics.

Unresolved abandonment - - the elusive grief so many seek therapy for and can't seem to overcome - - an undifferentiated emptiness often mis-diagnosed as depression and inappropriately medicated. Sometimes its stress and agitation are persistent enough to create chemical imbalances that do, in fact, respond to drug therapy.

Unresolved abandonment - - simplistic methods like 'positive thinking' or just going to therapy do not deter it. Programs like Co-dependency, Alanon, and Adult Child have attempted to assuage the erosion of energy and self worth caused by unresolved abandonment. But for all of their positive 'affirmations', they have not been able to address the system of drainage that lies buried within.

Likewise, Alcoholics Anonymous, Alanon, and Over-eaters Anonymous, etc. have been extremely effective in dealing with the addictive and co-addictive problems secondary to abandonment, but are unable to go beyond the symptoms and treat the underlying abandonment wound itself.

Self-help books have tended to have a placebo effect. They offer reasonable enough sounding advice, like "Find happiness from within." But these truisms are easier said than done. Many abandonees feel inadequate when they try to perform them and are not able to "Just let go" and "Move forward."

Unresolved abandonment - - people continue searching for one more tape, one more lecture, one more book that will finally free them. But all of the self-medicating and soothing words in the world will not eradicate the distress, disturbance and dysfunction caused by unresolved abandonment. For that you must go beyond insight. You must take action.

Abandonment survivors need more than symptom management and feel-good relief. They need an approach that facilitates not the illusion of change, but real change.

This can only happen when you realize that the magic bullet is not in any book or program. It is within you. It is your ability to integrate awareness with action.

November 12, 2006
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from http://www.abandonment.net/aba.....frame.html what is an interesting and helpful in my opinion explanation about pursuing unavailable partners:

" What is abandoholism?

You’ve heard of food-oholism, work-oholism, shop-oholism and, of course, alcoholism. Now here comes another, most insidious, addictive pattern – aband-oholism.

Abandoholism is a tendency to become attracted to unavailable partners. Many abandonment survivors are caught up in this painful pattern.

Abandoholism is similar to the other ‘oholisms, but instead of being addicted to a substance, you’re addicted to the emotional drama of heartbreak. You pursue hard-to-get partners to keep the romantic intensity going, and to keep your body’s love-chemicals and stress hormones flowing. What makes someone an abandoholic?

Abandoholism sets in when you’ve been hurt so many times that you’ve come to equate insecurity with love. Unless you’re pursuing someone you’re insecure about, you don’t feel in love.

Conversely, when someone comes along who wants to be with you, that person’s availability fails to arouse the required level of insecurity. If you can’t feel those yearning, lovesick feelings, then you don’t feel attracted, so you keep pursuing unavailable partners.

You become psychobiologically addicted to the high stakes drama of an emotional challenge and the love-chemicals that go with it.

Abandoholism is driven by both fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment.

When you’re attracted to someone, it arouses a fear of losing that person. This fear causes you to become clingy and needy. You try to hide your insecurity, but your desperation shows through, causing your partners to lose romantic interest in you. They sense your emotional suction cups aiming straight toward them and it scares them away.

Fear of engulfment is at the opposite end of the spectrum. It occurs when someone is pursuing you and now you’re the one pulling back. You feel engulfed by that person’s desire to be with you. When fear of engulfment kicks in, you panic. Your feelings shut down. You no longer feel the connection. The panic is about your fear of being engulfed by the other person’s emotional expectations of you. You fear that the other person’s feelings will pressure you to abandon your own romantic needs.

Fear of engulfment is one of the most common causes for the demise of new relationships, but it is carefully disguised in excuses like: "He just doesn’t turn me on." Or "I don’t feel any chemistry." Or "She’s too nice to hold my interest." Or "I need more of a challenge."

Abandoholics tend to swing back and forth between fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment. You’re either pursuing hard-to-get-lovers, or you’re feeling turned off by someone who IS interested in you.

What is Abando-phobism?

Abandophobics are so afraid of rejection that they avoid relationships altogether.

Abandophobics act out their fear of abandonment by remaining socially isolated, or by appearing to search for someone, when in fact they are pursuing people who are unattainable, all to avoid the risk of getting attached to a real prospect – someone who might abandon them sooner or later.

There is a little abandophobism in every abandoholic.

For both abandoholics and abandophobics, a negative attraction is more compelling than a positive one.

You only feel attracted when you’re in pursuit. You wouldn’t join any club who would have you as a member, so you’re always reaching for someone out of reach. How do abandoholism and abandophobism set in?

These patterns may have been cast in childhood. You struggled to get more attention from your parents but you were left feeling unfulfilled, which caused you to doubt your self-worth. Over time, you internalized this craving for approval and you learned to idealize others at your own expense. This became a pattern in your love-relationships.

Now as an adult, you recreate this scenario by giving your love-partners all of your power, elevating them above yourself, recreating those old familiar yearnings you grew accustomed to as a child. Feeling emotionally deprived and "less-than" is what you’ve come to expect. Why does the insecurity linger?

Recent scientific research shows that rather than dissipate, fear tends to incubate, gaining intensity over time. Insecurity increases with each romantic rejection, causing you to look to others for something you’ve become too powerless to give yourself: esteem. When you seek acceptance from a withholding partner, you place yourself in a one-down position, recreating the unequal dynamics you had with your parents or peers. You choreograph this scenario over and over.

Conversely, you are unable to feel anything when someone freely admires or appreciates you.

This abandonment compulsion is insidious. You didn’t know it was developing. Until now you didn’t have a name for it: Abandoholism is a new concept. Insecurity is an aphrodisiac.

If you are a hard-core abandoholic, you’re drawn to a kind of love that is highly combustible. The hottest sex is when you’re trying to seduce a hard-to-get lover. Insecurity becomes your favorite aphrodisiac. These intoxicated states are produced when you sense emotional danger – the danger of your lover’s propensity to abandon you the minute you get attached.

At the other end of the seesaw, you turn off and shut down when you happen to successfully win someone’s love. If your lover succumbs to your charms – heaven forbid – you suddenly feel too comfortable, too sure of him to stay interested. There’s not enough challenge to sustain your sexual energy. You interpret your turn-off as his not being right for you. How about following your gut?

If you’re an abandoholic, following your gut is probably what got you into these patterns in the first place. Your gut gets you to pursue someone who makes your heart go pitter pat, not because he’s the right one, but because he arouses fear of abandonment. And your gut gets you to avoid someone who is truly trustworthy, because he doesn’t press the right insecurity buttons.

Enrich your mind. Follow your wisdom. But until you overcome your abandonment compulsion, don’t follow your gut – it will only get you into trouble – because your gut tells you that unavailable people are attractive.

November 12, 2006
5:52 pm
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🙂 thumbs up!

January 7, 2007
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Thread Title: Hurtful Comments

Matteo
7-Jan-07

mj ~ thank you so much for your thoughtful post. I agree, seeing people cheering each other and themselves to hurt others and keep going until they win is deeply troublesome to me.

As SC said, only each and every us of us knows what our issues are and what needs to happen, when, and for how long it will take to get better. It is only up to each and every one of us to figure out what our issues are, how we name them, and if and how much therapy we need, not to anyone else, no matter how well trained that person might be as a professional, or how many years that person might have spent in therapy. It is not up to anyone who has different issues or is further in recovery to point out to others what they do wrong and what they should do to get better.

I’ve made the same mistake; I gave an advice about a decision made by someone whom I cherished, a decision which was what I saw clearly from my position, a mistake. I did it having the best and purest intentions in mind to spare her more pain that she already went through. It seems like in the end I was right, but so what? I lost her trust and was perhaps seen as someone who didn’t wish her well; but first of all it wasn’t my place to tell her that her choice is not the best one, because it is about her personal growth, not about me seeing what I see, and leading her by her hand. She needed to go through what she did in order to understand a little bit more about herself and the world around her, and my attempt to protect her from the pain she experienced during that teaching, only would hinder her growth and self-discovery.

I think it is very important to keep in mind that we are all different, our backgrounds, experiences, personalities, life paths and the roads to self-discovery and self improvement are different and are for nobody else to judge correct or condemn. We are the only ones who in the end have to live with the decisions we are making and trying to change that might do more harm than good.

I think it is important to remember that our issues here vary a lot and that what is good for one person, or even a hundred people, might not work or might not be an issue for another person, we are all individuals, having different perspectives and understanding of things. We might often disagree, because in reality there is no one objective truth or objective reality, including that objectivity claimed by science, as biased and set in particular circumstances as everything else. A 100 people might witness the same event and there might be a 100 different interpretations and memories of that event.

Let’s remember that each and every one of us has our subjective truth, set of values and morals, etc, which is very dear to us, and which doesn’t mean that it’s the only right one. Each of is a micro cosmos, complex and mysterious, for no one else to truly discover and understand.

Let’s remember that none of us is able to understand what is going on in anybody’s mind and we are not to correct them, judge them or send them on to the straight path, and that each and every one of us is a brilliant individual who always has our own best interest in mind, given the point of view and perspective available to us at certain time. This point of view might be frustrating for those who think that their horizons are wider, because they climbed the mountain higher, but first of all they might be standing on totally different mountain, and even if that’s not the case, it is up to each of us to check what is going on the top of the hill in our own time, if we desire so, without others condemning our decisions of not wanting to run to the peak.

Naturally, there will be groups of people who will create stronger bonds with each other, simply because their issues and stances are close to each other. I think it is great and it is really helpful for those involved, just like a real life support groups: they work well only if the group members can closely relate to each other, not only in regards with issues they are struggling with, but also in regards with how far they are in their recovery. Nobody has a right to judge others how far or slowly that recovery goes, and my advice for those who are frustrated with others, is to concentrate on our own issues instead Life, being as it is, always gives opportunity to do so, I believe.

I am not for the “tough love” approach: it doesn’t work for everyone, and for many is simply hurtful, it just adds to the pain they are already feeling. I think it is always important to make sure, if someone cannot afford gentle feedback without pushing in front their own agendas about “knowing it” and “showing the right way”, to simply abstain from posting. As WD said long time ago, there is a difference between being “always truthful” and being “trustworthy”, and that might be a difference between being hurtful to someone who hurts already and being helpful to that person. Unless we know someone very well, and unless we know that this person is strong enough to take a dose of criticism, in my opinion the tough love approach simply hurts; tough approach with new or highly distressed posters is especially tricky. Again, it is not about the one who gives this tough love being right, but about the healing of the one who hurts.

So much so many times was said about the lack of empathy in those who hurt so many of us. I think an exercise in empathy, in really trying to put yourself in other person’s situation is always advisable, and I understand it might not always be feasible. It is up to us to examine our own shortcomings in being able to empathize with someone who seems to be from different planet instead of judging them and decisions they make.

I think it is very important to try not to get wrapped into our own agenda and not to choke on knowledge and understanding gained on the road of self-discovery and try to apply that knowledge to everybody else: they might not need it, it might not be appreciated, and it might not be necessary, and it is not – not for us, and not for those who we are trying to “make see” the way we do.

I think that the astonishing beauty of the world, our world and the World around us, is that it is so multifaceted; it is in its’ depth, growth, and hopefully progress, in its fluidity and constant changes. For me every answer I have brings 10 more questions to answer, and it goes on and on; it never ends. No one really knows how anything is for sure. Let’s remember that.

January 7, 2007
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Thread Title: my thoughts...g

ggfred4

7-Jan-07

I have a voice, I want to be heard

Silence is golden, though still like a bird

Observing and flying here and there

Stopping on posts, and wanting to share.

The sounds aren’t forthcoming that are in my mind

Yet others have theirs flowing freely and oh so kind

I admire their honesty, their bravery, and their growth

And wonder when mine will blossom or change or both.

So here I perch and wonder and wait

Is there still time, or am I too late?

January 7, 2007
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Thread Title: dedicated to my sisters....

ggfred4
27-Nov-06

Every day, in the world around us, real-life angels are doing the things they do and bringing more smiles to the world around them.
Real-life angels build bridges instead of walls. They don't have hidden agendas. They tend to be the only ones who understand what you're going through.

If they sense that your're hurting, they do whatever they can to help you. Real-life angels understand difficulties and always give the benefit of the doubt.

They don't hold others up to standards they can't live by themselves. They are what "inner beauty" is all about.

They don't hold things against you. The only thing they hold....is YOU....

They take your hand in theirs when you could use some reassurance. They walk beside you when you could use some guidance and direction in your life.

And they support you in your attempts to do what is right. Real-life angels multiply your smiles and add to your integrity.

If you come across an angel, you are one of the luckiest people of all. If someone in your life is like an angel to you, it's important to thank them...for the blessing... Douglas Pagels

SO THANK YOU MY ANGEL SISTERS......gg

January 10, 2007
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Thread Title: NO CONTACT CLUB - -Revelations

garfield9547

27-Aug-06

Hi Strong and everybody on here
I have not have the time lately to share sooo here goes for all of you

Remembering

If you could just remember what you saw in my heart If I could just forget what I saw in your eyes

If you could just remember how special I made you feel If I could just forget how empty you made me feel

If you could just remember how safe you felt If I could just forget how frightened I felt

If you could just remember how kind I was to you If I could just forget how cruel you were to me

If you could just remember how much I showed you If I could just forget how much you hid from me

If you could just remember how I touched you If I could just forget how you pushed me away

If you could just remember how much I did for you If I could just forget how much you did to me

If you could just remember how happy you were If I could just forget how much I cried

If you could just remember how much I gave to you If I could just forget how much you took from me

If you could just remember how I made love to you If I could just forget how you used me

If you could just remember how it felt to kiss me If I could just forget how it felt to be at your mercy

If you could just remember how much I loved you If I could just forget how much you betrayed me

If you could just remember how much I made you forget If I could just forget how much you made me remember

If you could just remember... If I could just forget...

...from our member Sanewoman

GRAPHICS BY ©SweetDesign Love

Garfield

January 10, 2007
10:11 pm
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Originally posted on: NO CONTACT CLUB - - Revelations

"It's surprising how many persons go through life without ever recognizing that their feelings toward other people are largely determined by their feelings toward themselves, and if you're not comfortable within yourself, you can't be comfortable with others."-- Sydney J. Harris.

“If we could learn to like ourselves, even a little, maybe our cruelties and angers might melt away." -- John Steinbeck”…

January 10, 2007
10:18 pm
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You are such a blessing, LL. I miss ya so very much. I was so glad to come here and see your thread! I'm with ya all the way and I so admire your ability with how you do what you do. I'm sendin ya lots of love and hugs!!! ((((LL))))

January 10, 2007
11:39 pm
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Thread Title: LL's Ramblings

sininho

6-Aug-06

Desiderata -- written by Max Ehrmann in the 1920s -- Not "Found in Old St. Paul's Church"! (?)

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

January 11, 2007
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Thread Title: I SO don't get this

Brynnie

5-Sep-06

I found this......wondering if anyone would mind taking a stab at "interpreting" it for me.......

THE BROKEN HEART

By Unknown

That internal rending called the Broken Heart, is the especial lot of all sensitive people. No such person lives long in this world before he has his heart broken. And as live goes on the heart gets sundered into smaller and ever smaller pieces.

However, These people also come to know without any question, that the important thing is to let the world break the human heart.

For one thing, there is room in the broken heart and only there, For all the sorrows of the world.

The broken heart and only it, Is curative, redemptive, of the wasteland around.

Moreover, it is the very raw material necessary for a strange and important alchemy which has been described in the words…

"Your sorrow will be turned into Joy".

January 14, 2007
3:35 pm
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Thread Title: The "New Direction, new adventures, take no crap, on a blaze of FIRE, back on the trail and back in saddle, above the ground, no looking back, riding off into the sunset, with DUST IN THE AIR!!" Club! Any takers? (Jen, here...)

sininho

22-Jul-06

Hey, what the heck!
It may rain again tomorrow but Say, aint it fine today? ...

...Otherwise just taking the poem along for reading by the camp fire.

Ain’t It Fine Today? ~ Douglas Malloch

Sure, this world is full of trouble,
I ain't said it ain't.
Lord, I've had enough and double
Reason for complaint.

Rain and storm have come to fret me,
Skies are often gray;
Thorns and brambles have beset me
On the road -- but, say,
Ain't it fine today?

What's the use of always weepin',
Making trouble last?
What's the use of always keepin'
Thinking of the past?
Each must have his tribulation -
Water with his wine -
Life, it ain't no celebration,
Trouble? I've had mine -
But ain't today fine?

It's today that I am livin',
Not a month ago,
Havin'; losin': takin'; givin';
As time wills it so.

Yesterday a cloud of sorrow
Fell across the way;
It may rain again tomorrow, but
Ain't it fine today?

January 14, 2007
4:03 pm
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never leave the one you love for the one you like, for the one you like will leave you for the one they love.Try to forgive and forget, but don't let they use you over and over!!!BE STRONG!!!!!!!!!

January 14, 2007
8:34 pm
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ty S&U (hey like your name) as the more that can be added here - the better.

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